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Thursday, May 10, 2018

When I Don't Know What to Do, Do Nothing

I am amazed at how adept I am (and I suspect, most people are) at putting things – important things – at the backs of our minds and not thinking about them.  I guess it is good that there are vehicles to push them to the front, whether it be internal (like pain) or external (like a FB post or a documentary).  Today it is the latter (although, it is also the former).
A post came up on the fasting support FB page I am a part of about a documentary called Obesity:  The Post Mortem.  It is actually the autopsy of an obese lady who donated her body to science so it could be learned how obesity ravages the inside of our body.  Of course, I knew that it does, but it is always good to have a graphic reminder.  This lady died of heart failure.  But she could have died of other things that resulted from obesity.
It is not that I don’t think about weight loss every day.  But I am a champion at talking myself out of doing the good thing – “I will deal with it later” – very soon after I decide I simply must start doing the right thing.  Sometimes I know, deep down, that is going to happen.  I know when I am in the zone and when I am not.  But I can’t give up, just because I am not “feeling it” on any given day.  It’s not going to get done if I wait until I am “in the zone.”
All I know is, I want things to change for the long term.
I was struggling today.  In fact, I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast because I wasn’t prepared.  I wrestled with myself a good part of the morning about lunch.  I was about ready to dump my efforts until after the weekend.  But I kept fighting in myself.  I guess that is good.  I finally decided that, sometimes, it may be better just to do nothing.  The “right” thing to eat just isn’t what I wanted.  But I struggled with the thing I did want since I already didn’t feel good and I know that one time is too much because, most times, one is never enough, when it comes to a bad habit or an addiction.  (As in, you can tell yourself to have just one cookie, but it most often leads to more and more cookies.)  So I kept putting off the decision until I decided that doing nothing was my decision.  I just didn’t eat.  I don’t know what will happen tonight, but for now, I’m in a holding pattern.  (It is late afternoon now, and I feel much better having done that, and like I can do what I need to do when I get home, instead of eating what I wanted earlier.
Towards the end of that struggle, I watched the documentary and that pushed the desire for change to the forefront.  So that’s where things stand right now.  I don’t want to be that woman on the autopsy table.  I don’t want to be that woman on any table – operating, hospital bed, or even my couch!!
Another motivation is having security cameras that show me going about my business, cleaning the pool, watering the plants, etc.  I don’t want to be that woman either.  At least I want to be a thinner version of that woman.  It’s not so much self-rejection anymore.  It is wanting to feel better in every way, and wanting a longer and better quality of life.  I see on those videos the way I walk because I am limping or hurting; I see my hand constantly going to my lower back as I am walking around; I see the struggle of getting down on my knee to clean out the pool strainer, and the huge struggle to get up again.  That is not what I want.
So, all of these things put a hold on negative behavior.  Now if I can just remember that the next time.
You know, I said toward the first of this year that this could be my year.  And it still could.  If I will stick to what I know to do, it will happen for me and it will happen fairly quickly.  I need to keep my eyes on how different my life could be in a few short months if I will just do what I know to do.

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