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Saturday, August 5, 2017

Learning From My Sister

My sister started a blog and I have been reading it some today, and that reminded me I am not posting.  (Check hers out -- I have it listed in my blog list -- www.babystepstonormal.blogspot.com).  I am learning a lot of things about my sister I did not fully know, and that's a good thing.

I also recognize some struggles in what she writes about as some of my own.  Like hating to talk on the phone.  That's a big one for me.  She talks about it as an anxiety, and you know, I have never thought about it being an anxiety -- just a quirk in my personality.  But it really is an anxiety.  I have to fight it because I have to make phone calls as part of my job.  I have to admit, if I can send an e-mail and get the job done, that's what I do!  But phone calls are necessary sometimes.  And I often have to work myself up to make certain ones.  I even hate checking voicemails.  Ugh.

I am very much of a home body and I suppose that is an anxiety too.  I don't know why.  Once I get there, as in a social situation, I do fine.  I am not shy.  It's just making myself get out of the house.  I think part of it is that home is the place (especially if I am home alone) that I feel no pressure to live up to someone else's expectations.  I say that -- sometimes I will be at home and I will tell myself (critically) that I need to do such and such -- and I find myself actually saying to myself, "I want to go home."  So home, in my mind, is the place where there is no criticism.  I often feel "watched" and "judged" as falling short.  The problem is, the majority of the criticism comes from me toward myself.  Definitely something to work on.

Since I have a full-time job, with quite a bit of overtime, at times, I really don't have the luxury of indulging my desire to be a complete home body.  But I have great difficulty in making myself do anything I do not absolutely have to do, and I am not being very successful with that a lot of the time right now.

I do think the thyroid support supplement I wrote about in my last post is helping.  I find myself wanting to get up and clean and get things done around the house.  I am still struggling A LOT with my eating right now, though.  I am trying to do things to break the pattern to see if I can get back on track.  It is way past time.  I have gained weight and it is taking its toll on my back and knees.

My physical issues are also a big part of my not wanting to get out.  It takes so much more effort dealing with pain all day, every day.  Most times getting through my work days are all I have it in me to do.  I do manage to spend time with my kids at least every couple of weeks.  Have to see my sweet grandbaby.  I don't want to miss anything in his growing up.  I want to be the "Nana" to him that I never really had.  And I want to be present and close to my kids.  It's very important.  They have an absent father and that affects them, even as grown adults.  I want to be present in their lives -- not just in seeing them, but emotionally and spiritually.

Today I found a journal that one of my kids had kept about 10 years ago.  (For privacy, I won't say which one.)  I did not read much of it, because I felt that would be intruding to read it without their permission.  I was involved in a task of cleaning out and purging stuff.  I leafed through it to tear out "junk pages" where the book had been used to write other things down, and saw some statements here and there throughout the journal.  I never knew the extent to which this child struggled with the situation with my kids' father.  This child talked about the desire for having that father figure in their life and struggled a lot in trying to forgive, etc.  It got me to thinking about my own father.  I was not close to my father.  He was always there in the physical sense, but I did not feel he was there for me emotionally, etc.  I did not feel approved of and a lot of the confidence a girl needs, I think, comes from the father approving of her.  I didn't think about it much as a child/teenager (and I do not write this to be in any way critical of him; he had a much tougher childhood than I did, I am quite certain).  But I have realized in more recent years there is hole there that I wished my father had filled.  I have never really had a man in my life that I have felt truly loved and supported by or had unconditional approval from.  Certainly not my husband.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  I think if I had felt those things from my father, I would have saved myself a lot of grief in my marriage.  But I also try to turn it around and make sure I am who I need to be with my kids.  I want to be present for them not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, etc.  I can be a hider, so that takes a little more effort for me.  That is something I want to watch for and work on in the future.

Well, that was a lot of this and that.  Just thoughts going through my head today.  I want to start being more intentional with my schedule (as my sister talks about in her blog).  I have some goals there for the coming days.  Blogging more often is part of that.

Over and out..