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Monday, August 8, 2016

Talking Through Temptation

Having a little more temptation today.  I’m not sorry I took a break for a few days of vacation, but that made me have to go through this part again.  The first 3 days are the most difficult.  This time, more than last time, I am trying to talk myself into chunking the idea.  But I really do want to finish and know that I have given it every chance to do its work.  So, as of 1:50 p.m., I am still fighting the fight.

It hit me again an hour later – more fighting with myself.  But if I wait it out, I get back to knowing I want to finish.

I felt so good on vacation.  My back did not bother me much at all and I did so much more than I had been able to do in a long time.  Sunday morning, after the first night spent at home in my bed, I woke up hurting again.  I tried last night to arrange my pillows and bolsters the same way I did on vacation and that seemed to help a little, but I was still hurting more than I ever did while on the trip.  I bent over this morning to brush my teeth, etc., and I felt things popping in my lower back.  That may have been a good thing, but it was definitely very tender in that area.   I did notice a few times in the car that if I would try to sit with my legs crossed, it seemed to want to pull something in my spine “out of place,” so I finally made myself stop doing that.  It may be what set it off because the popping this morning felt more like something popping into place instead of out, with residual soreness after that.  I’m going to see how it goes for a few days and see if it improves.  No more trying to sit with one leg crossed over the other knee.  My massage therapist has told me that is a no-no anyway.

I got on the scale, and as I would have expected, my weight was up.  But less than 10 pounds.  I was actually pretty happy with that because you are going to gain a few from just going from the state of being totally empty to that of having food in your system.  And I did not pay much attention to how much I ate after the fast.  I was on vacation and had not eaten for 25 days, so I wanted to enjoy it (although I did not eat sugar or wheat, of course, except for Saturday night when I had decided to resume my fast).  I think after the third day, I will probably be back to where I was before vacation and can continue from there.  I wish I could get to where after I break the fast, I never get above 215, but not sure that will happen in that length of time.  I say 215 because that is the weight I needed to get to, to be able to have back surgery, if I ended up still needing it.  Of course, I am not going to do that this year, anyway, so I have plenty of time to continue weight loss.

Again, I do not want back surgery.  I want the weight loss efforts, etc. to make that unnecessary, but it remains to be seen whether that will do the trick.  I think I mentioned this before, but I have done a lot of examining my body.  I have an exaggerated arch in my back and I see the fat under my belly button pulling that part of my back into that arch.  I know getting rid of the weight I carry there has to help some.  Plus I hope for continued work on scar tissue, thickened ligaments and maybe even bone spurs (don't know if it will work on that).  I am hopeful that part of this pain is just brought on by the extra activity, which created some soreness.  And from so many hours spent in the car.

I realized when I got home from vacation that it is only 2 months until my grandbaby is expected.  My upper back is trying to hurt me again now that I am back at my desk all day again.  Surely there is some kind of strengthening I can do to keep that from happening.  I feel like a lot of it has to be muscular in nature, since I had no problem with it while on vacation.  I am trying to make sure I sit up straight and tall to help with that.  And lean back into the support of my chair.

Later

I'm home from work now and went through another big battle in my mind.  I was craving, of all things, potato salad.  I wanted some so bad!  I had a kind of "gourmet" kind with the barbecue I ate on vacation and it sounded so good to me tonight.  I am trying to make it a goal that if I decide to break the fast this time, I have to think about it for 24 hours before I decide to do it early.  I did that the first time.  Right now it is just hunger talking.  I should be feeling better after tomorrow.  I expect the benefits to begin more quickly this time since I don't have nearly so many toxins to work out of my system.  Or so much stuff clogging up my colon, so it should switch on over to fat burning very quickly, I would think.

I admit, a big motivation, besides pain, is my grandbaby.  I want to be able to hold Carter and have enough energy to keep him.  I have felt like such an old woman in my body the last two or three years.  I already have a lot more energy and I think that will increase as I finish this.  I also want to start getting a little exercise -- walking on the treadmill and riding the recumbent bike, as well as some strength training to help with targeted areas.  My knees are a little swollen right now, so I want to give them opportunity to rest a little.  I will ice them to help them along.  I asked a lot more of them last week than I have since surgery and several months before.  They will get strong again.

Okay, I think I have talked myself through this round of temptation.  I can do this.  And I want to finish what I started.

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