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Monday, July 18, 2016

Keeping On Keeping On

What do you know, two days in a row.

This has been a tough day, in some ways.  No temptations to break my fast.  I've just been in quite a bit of pain and that made it tough.  But I have a theory about that.  The added back pain I have been experiencing the last 2-3 days has been different.  For the last 3 days it was lower back pain and I have had pain shooting down the sciatic nerve more than I have in a while, even while sitting or trying to go to sleep.  There has also been pain in my back, but it has been different somehow.  I really believe it is the reparative work being done on my body as a result of the fast.

I have been having upper back pain the last few months, also.  It usually feels like something is kind of out of place and the pain results from that.  But I don't feel like that today.  I have increased pain in my upper back -- pretty bad, actually -- but it's like something is zoned in on that area -- kind of like a surgeon taking a scalpel to that area, but no anesthesia.  I believe it to be reparative work also.  We will see in a few days, but that is my theory.  Not very pleasant, but then the life I have been living with all this pain the last few years has not been pleasant, either.  If this helps like I hope and believe it will, it will be worth it all.

My energy is good.  I did struggle with wanting to get the day done and go home this afternoon, but that was more about the pain than being excessively tired.  I do feel sleepy at times, and when I sit down to read, I often doze off.  But I am working 9-10 hour days (or more) most days and doing fine.

My mood is good, too.  If it weren't for the pain,  I would be feeling pretty darned good.  I know that sounds funny, but depression has been an issue and it has been all about the chronic pain.

It helps that I am losing weight and feeling better about how I look, but honestly, that wouldn't bother me so much if it were not for the health issues.

I have been examining my body more than usual lately, and the area that bothers me the most is my belly, and more particularly, the pouch below the belly button level.  I was thinking last night that if that would trim down, that would take an enormous amount of pressure off my lower back.  Hopefully that will begin to melt away soon.  I am sure it already is, but much more is needed.

Tomorrow I will be wearing a dress I bought a couple of months ago, but didn't feel really comfortable about wearing it until I lost a few pounds.  Since I have been losing weight (although I have been stuck for a while), it makes no sense to buy clothes that fit you perfectly now or they will be too big in no time.  I could have worn this dress already -- I see plenty of people wearing their clothes much tighter than this -- but I would not be comfortable.  I think I will give it a go tomorrow.  :)

Things I am thinking about:  I will be happy to feel good enough to walk my dog again.  I feel so bad for him, just being in the apartment all the time.  He gets carsick, so it is difficult to take him anywhere, but I haven't felt up to walking him much in the last couple of years.  I also see my bike on the terrace and would like to get to feeling good enough to go riding at White Rock Lake.  I need to take it to the shop for a couple of things, but it would be easier than the walking.  I need to finish up some therapy from my knee replacement -- I do not have the quad strength I really need to be back to "normal," but it was causing such a flare-up on my back all the time, I had to give it a break.  I want to get to where I get comfortable wearing a little heel every once in a while, but would not right now.  I am ready to get back to dating, but haven't felt up to it.  I go to work and I go home.  Sometimes I do something with my kids, but that's about it.  I'm ready to have a life again.

If this fast (and more to follow, if necessary) and the subsequent weight loss does not do the trick, then I need to be at a weight where I can safely have the back surgery I need.  I am not willing to keep living like I have the last few years.

One thing I can say for myself -- I do not give up.  I can't.  If I quit trying, I might as well go on to heaven.  And I certainly would never try to make that happen.  There is no giving up.  I have to keep trying.  And I do believe I am on the right track.  I am just undoing a lot of years of the wrong kind of eating/living.  And ignorance is a big part of that.  If I had known then about what wheat would do to my body, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache.  But you have to go from where you are now and that is what I am doing.  I will keep plugging along and look for answers everywhere I can find them.

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