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Thursday, February 4, 2016

Empty Cup

I’ve been “journaling” too much on FB again.  I do that because I often do not have anyone to talk to and I need to vent.  But then I remembered, I had this outlet.


It has been a rough 2-1/2 months.  I shared in my last post that I had had double knee surgery, including a knee replacement.  Things were/are moving along with that.  I am still doing therapy twice a week, plus the exercises I have to do at home.


I spent a lot of my “recovery” with the move, doing things I shouldn’t do, and then this:


I did not share that my daughter also had double knee surgery in December. Hers was worse than mine, in some ways, although she is now much further along to being back to normal than I am, I think.  (Oh to be young again.)  I spent time nursing her when I should have been recovering myself.  She hasn’t been able to drive, so she has been staying with my cousins since the first of January, who live on the way to work for a couple of her co-workers.  That way they can stop and pick her up and get her to work.  If I had to take her to work every day – it is the opposite direction – it would just be too much.


Her being gone means I have not had to nurse her, but I also have no help at home.  I did not get much help at all with the move, although it was my daughter’s idea and she was supposed to be responsible for all the moving, since we knew I would be having the surgery.  He surgeries were a surprise.  Somehow this always happens.

Getting settled is going slowly in the new place.  In fact, it has stalled.  I had just been back to work a week at the time of my last post.  I began to feel extremely exhausted along that time.  I was barely making it through my workdays.  So I had to do only what I had the energy to do, and that left nothing for getting settled.  I remembered they were giving me iron while I was in the hospital, and I read my medical records and discovered it was for acute anemia from blood loss.  I was supposed to follow up with my primary care doctor after I left the hospital, but I didn’t.  (I know, that is bad.)  Anyway, I started taking iron.  I also started taking this other supplement a friend recommended, so I don’t know which one helped (or both), but I am slowly starting to regain energy.  Or I was….  More about that in a bit.


The other thing that happened in December is my son had a significant auto accident.  He and his girlfriend were pretty banged up (though not hospitalized) and it took them three weeks to get to feeling well enough to go back to work.  The accident was not his fault, but right now it is a he said/she said swearing match.  Anyway, there has been that to deal with and, of course, I have been worried about my son and his girlfriend (who lives with him, so pretty much is like my daughter-in-law).


If that wasn’t enough, here is the tough part.  A week ago yesterday morning, I did one of my therapy exercises and then took a shower.  I had gotten out of the shower and lifted my strong leg up to a chair to dry it off.  My weak leg gave out and I fell.  I spun around trying to catch myself and landed hard on my ribs on the side of the bathtub.  I was sore, but thought I was okay (my knees were fine).  I ended up going to the doctor Friday just to make sure, since you have to have seen a doctor within 72 hours for AFLAC to fully cover the accident, and my upper back was bothering me a little, so I wanted to get that done in case anything cropped up.  They didn’t take x-rays, since I felt I wasn’t hurt that bad at the time.  The following Monday, the ribs took a turn for the worse.  I missed Monday and Tuesday at work and ended up having to go have x-rays.  I am waiting for the results of the x-rays.  The fall was traumatic – quite scary – and I have been avoiding things, skiddish, etc. since then.  It feels like PTSD (I think a build-up of things over the last months).  My doctor’s office supposedly sent a note to my employer that I was excused from work through Tuesday.  Turns out, the PA put the wrong date on there and said I was excused for Monday.  So my office administrator was mad at me about that and I guess thought I lied.  And I should have called (I did call for Monday, but didn’t for Tuesday since I knew he had received the doctor’s note; just didn’t know it was wrong).  I knew calling was the way it should be handled, but I was so overwhelmed with everything, I just could not make myself talk to him and hear the negative connotation in his voice (he is a pretty negative person).  So I decided to just let the note handle it.  Just the throwback from that and knowing I screwed up really messed with me yesterday and today.  I have already been emotionally fragile, but I cry at the drop of a hat since the fall.  That is one reason I didn’t want to call – I knew I would cry.


With all the things I have been through in the past several years, my own health issues, my daughter’s issues, etc., etc., I have felt really alone.  It has been a lot to handle with no one who ever really takes care of me.  I want so much, first, to get stronger and completely back on my feet.  But I also want to find that certain someone to go through life with.  Someone that not only can I enjoy being with, and vice versa, but also someone to fall back on during times like this, and he would have the same in me.  As soon as I get a little further along in my recovery, I plan to get out there and give myself more opportunities to meet someone.


My eating has not been great the last few days.  Never wheat, but I’ve been eating sugar.  It makes me achy all over, so I need to get my act together.  I haven’t felt well enough to do a lot of cooking, but I need to have things ready that are healthy for me and I can enjoy.  I also know I have been using food for comfort.  I have to stop that.  Just the immediate achiness I feel when I am not eating right should be enough to show me.  Let’s see if I get it together now.


Just had to let all that out.  I need to get my hope built up again.  Hope for a better life, and hope that I will find someone to enjoy life with.  And I need to finish this journey.

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