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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Trying to Hold It Together

I keep writing posts and not getting them finished.  I have one going at work that will fill you in on a lot of things, so I will try to post that tomorrow instead of rewriting it again.

Today, I need to do some venting about my emotional state.  It's pretty tricky right now.  I got injections in both knees a little less than a week ago, and since then I have had these very sharp headaches.  I don't know if they are related, but that is when they seemed to start.  It is always very hard for me to tell, but they seem different than the headaches I always had.  Sharper.  If my head hurt like that all the time, I think I would shoot myself.  I can't seem to figure out what is causing them.  I was having one yesterday at work and I had a meltdown.  I am so tired of dealing with all of this, ALL THE TIME, and yet I have no choice but to keep going.  Of course, the crying didn't help.

I always feel on the verge of tears. All the physical stuff I am dealing with is overwhelming, and yet I must continue doing my job.  It is difficult.  VERY difficult.  You might think, maybe I need to get on an anti-depressant for a while.  But I really want to get away from throwing pharmaceuticals at everything.  I am even trying to get away from taking ibuprofen and BC powders for headaches.  They mess with the gut and the gut is where inflammation begins.  Even if it provided temporary relief (which is doubtful, anyway), because it is messing with the balance in my gut, it can actually cause more inflammation in the long-run.  So, other than my pain meds, I am trying to not throw drugs at everything.  Getting free from those will come later.

Today, I had an epidural injection to hopefully help with the sciatica.  I have not had much luck with them in the past, but since there is nothing else to be done right now, I felt like I needed to give it a try.  I only hope it does not set off more of the headaches, because I can't deal with them and working.  I say I can't...I will, but it makes life so difficult.  And I already feel so fragile emotionally.  I don't want to be crying all the time.  So I have to try to hold it together.

Before going in for my injection, I was talking with my sister (who was my driver -- you have to have someone drive you home after these things because you have been sedated).  I was talking about how alone I feel at times, even though I live with my daughter.  I am ready to find a man who cares about me and I enjoy being with, and someone to go through life with through the ups and downs.  Someone to lean on during times like this, and have fun with at the same time (and I, of course, would be there for him when he needed it).  When I woke up from sedation (I didn't realize I was already back in my room), that is what I was thinking about and the tears started flowing.  I felt so emotional and I couldn't get a hold on it.  The nurse said that most women are emotional after this kind of sedation and men are flirty.  I told her I'd rather be flirty.  But the truth is, I am so on the edge of tears all the time, it doesn't take much to make them start flowing (like now).  And that does not help the headaches.

I am living for my next appointment, which is July 2.  That is when I see the functional medicine doctor.  I hope to get to the bottom of some issues of why I am not losing weight.

It was funny, but after all my reading and my current diet, etc., I was talking with a nurse today about something, and she said, "you need to stop eating wheat" (or something like that).  The subject came up.  We got into a discussion about thyroid issues, etc. and everything I have been talking about and reading about is what she said.  She said your doctor needs to check all your thyroid levels, not just the TSH level, which is the standard test.  I said that is exactly what I had been reading, but the PCP I had been going to did not listen and would not do that.  She recommended her endocrinologist to me, and for the second day in a row, I was talking with someone about finding a doctor who would actually listen to me.  Yesterday I made an appointment with an internist who was recommended to me; the trouble is, I cannot get in to see her until August.  It doesn't look like I am going to be able to get in with the endocrinologist anytime soon, either, so it seems I am in a waiting game.  Waiting for the next appointment where hopefully I will get some answers.  If I could just get my weight moving, plus deal with the other symptoms low thyroid causes, it would help my state of my mind immensely.  At least I would feel more like I was getting somewhere.  (I do actually believe I am getting somewhere, but I am ready to see more results.)

I will try to get my post done tomorrow and update on my knee situation.  It is all very overwhelming, but I just need to go forward with doing everything I can to feel better.

Over and out.

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