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Saturday, June 27, 2015


I seem to come here when I need to vent, but hopefully one of these days this will get back to a true weight loss blog.  Actually it still is.  I am documenting my struggles and the things I am going through in my quest to be healthy again.  That being said....

I live with my daughter.  Although she is rarely home, right now she is away for two weeks house-sitting.  She is in "town" (the Dallas Metroplex is big), but still a good distance away.  For some reason, this bothered me more than usual.  Actually I know why.  I do not mind being alone; that is not it.   But I have no car right now.  My son has been borrowing mine forever and I finally decided to sell it to him.  I have a plan for buying another one, but I want to get my other debts paid down first before adding a car payment on again (although I plan for it to be a small one).  However, because of this situation, I feel kind of stuck while my daughter is gone.  I really cannot go anywhere without her either coming home to take me, which I hate to ask her to do, or getting on the train with my scooter and trying to do it that way.

I needed to buy some groceries today, and I gave thought to doing it that way -- to the train with the scooter -- exert some independence.  (That really would not have worked today, I couldn't have gotten what I needed and been able to carry it, etc.) But my daughter said she had to come down this way to get her oil changed, so she would take me to the grocery store while she was down here  So that's what we did.

As it turned out, she couldn't get in to get her car done this morning because the line was so long.  They told her if she would come back at 2:00, they could do it then.  So, the plan was to go get my groceries and she would drop me back off and she would go do that.

 Not only is she house-sitting, but she is also dog-sitting.  I had two grocery stores I wanted to go to (Sprouts and Kroger), so, since she was worried about the dog being cooped up too long, she said why don't we go to Kroger and then we can go to the Sprouts up near where she is staying so she could pick up the dog and get him out for a while.  In the midst of that she washed her hair and dried it because she had plans tonight.  By that time, she got worried that she wasn't going to make it to the car place by 2:00, so she decided that she was going to have to do that first and then take me home.  "It will only take 30 more minutes, Mom."  Yeah right.  I showed my displeasure, although I felt bad about it because she was doing me a favor.

Here's the thing.  That caused me a LOT of anxiety.  I wanted to go to the store and get right back home.  So instead of being away for like 2 hours, I was away more like 5+ hours.  I actually came near to tears.  I just wanted to be home.  (As we were turning off  to head that direction, I saw a sign for a Park & Ride Station for the train and thought about stopping there and getting out and taking the train home; wish I did!)  Anyway, the reason for my anxiety is, I have felt so overwhelmed by everything, and so worn out with the constant pain, that I guard the time I can be at home.  I think if I was feeling better (I am, but still am coming down from the recent "trauma"), I wouldn't feel so anxious.  I am just so tired, I want to be home as much as I can when I am not working so I can get the other things I need to do done and rest.  So wasted time (for me) like this, really makes me feel anxious.  I don't like that.

Sure enough, her oil change took much longer than expected -- over an hour and a half.  On top of that, I needed to pick up my pain prescription and the pharmacy (right next to my loft) did not open until 11.  We left before then, so I took the one I had and had to make do with that until I got home more than 5 hours later (about 6-1/2 hours since I had had medicine).  Plus,  I didn't cook myself anything for breakfast, thinking I wouldn't be gone that long, so I just had a few almonds and figured I would eat when I got home.  So no breakfast, then no lunch, and I finally got home at about 4:30.  I was feeling pretty grouchy (although trying not to show it) at the car place.  I finally had to get something out of the machine (the least destructive thing seemed to be peanut M&M's), just to try to stay less anxious and grouchy.

So, all that was very stressful.  Looking back to a number of years ago when I started this journey, I was working out 1-3 times per day and I was dating (gone all the time) and it didn't bother me at all.  Because I was feeling so good at that time.  I think that if I can get to feeling better, I will feel that way again.  It won't be so traumatic to be out and about a lot on the weekend.  But right now, I just want to be home as much possible when I am not working.

What with the cooking required to eat the way I need to, then the cleaning up from that, and the other cleaning that needs to done (which is never done well enough), it takes all I can do on the weekends to do that, try to get some rest, so I can get through my work weeks.

This week I will have my thyroid testing.  I truly hope I find an answer there.  I feel fairly sure I have low thyroid.  I think if I can get that corrected (and possibly hormonal stuff, too), I will have some more energy to work with and things like this won't be so hard on me.

I was talking to my daughter during all this -- she has other kinds of anxiety issues, so I had to let her know, that just like her stuff, this was causing me a lot of anxiety.  I knew the way we did it is how it turned out it needed to be done, but I still could not help feeling the way I did.  I was trying not to be mad at her -- she had gone out of her way to help me -- but I needed her to understand why I was reacting the way I was.  She said she felt like she would be wasting her life if all she ever did was stay home, or spent much time at home.  I said, "Well, right now, I have no life.  I am working on it, because I really want one, but that's just where things are right now."  Such is it when you are living with chronic illness.

All this made me know, even more, how much I want to get better.  I know I am on the right track, but I also know I am going to have to fight and scrap for it.  It is not going to come easy.  But that is the focus of my life right now.

The next two weeks are going to be challenging.  My backup at work, Ruth (and I am hers, also), is going to be gone, out of the country, for the next two weeks after Monday.  So I will have my load and hers.  And to be honest, the other assistants we have at the office are not much help.  One of them is young and green and she is just learning.  Another I think they should have let go a long time ago because she does not seem to have the "smarts" it takes to do this job.  Her  bosses will not allow her to work on some cases (my boss's cases -- he won't allow her to because of mistakes that have been made and he doesn't trust her) and so that falls on me and Ruth.  The other one is somewhat capable but does not know litigation and is not that helpful -- she is not going to offer.  So I know most of it is going to fall on me these next two weeks.  Probably more OT than I have been having to work, and it will probably be push, push, push all day.  I kind of like it that way at work, but after being so overwhelmed with these pain issues, I am a little wary of this.  However, I will get the job done.  But that is another reason I felt so guarded about my time today.  I need to rest up.

I have had several weepy sessions lately because I am so tired of being single.  I am tired of facing the world and its challenges alone.  Of course, it is much, much better than being in an abusive relationship.  I can't imagine trying to cope with this and what I had to cope with back then.  I still had to carry all the load and then the negative treatment on top of it.  NO THANKS.  But I would so much like to find a man to go through the ups and downs of life with.  Another motivation to feel better.  The world is a scary place these days and it would feel so much better to have someone to be with.  I don't care about sex and all that (although, of course, that would be nice).  I don't care if he is not the best looking man in the world.  I had a very nice looking husband and he was so critical -- well, it just is not worth it.  I just want someone who I enjoy being with and he with me.  One who doesn't mind just staying home and cooking and watching a movie, or when we felt like it, going out for dinner and a ballgame or play or to be with friends.  Companionship, support and mutual love and respect.  Even in my current physical state, I have a lot to offer.  I have a good job, I am a positive, loving person, and I am pleasant to be around.  Surely there is someone out there for me....  I want to find him.  :|

But here I sit....

Time to get up and do some of those things that need to get done.  Over and out.


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