This is how my thoughts are going today. I feel sad and tired and hopeless and ready to give up. I don’t like my life right now. Nothing circumstantially is that bad. It just has to do with me, my body, my mind, etc.
My hopelessness comes from the fact that I don’t feel good. My body hurts and my head hurts and I never want to go to work (or do much of anything else, for that matter). But I know it is not something where taking a couple of days off because I don’t feel good is going to help. This is my life, and if I don’t change something, this is how it is going to be. Even then, I don’t know for sure that losing weight will help as much as I need it to, but making changes myself is my only hope.
The way I see it, here are my choices.
- I can give up and substantially stop living; sit in my chair in front of the TV, doing only what I have to do to survive, for the rest of my life. I have to go to work to have the means to live on, so I have to do that. I have to have food to eat, so there are the tasks associated with that. You get my drift. This has been my life for the last year, for the most part.
- I can wait for God to “zap” me and magically make me feel better or wait for my mind and motivation to kick in and get back to working on things again. Doesn’t seem to be happening.
- I can live in this perpetual “I’ll get started tomorrow mentality,” which is where I am right now. I know things need to change and that is my only hope, but I have all kinds of excuses why today is not the day, so I put it off, once again, until tomorrow.
- I can realize that nothing is going to change until I change and I know I am going to have to do all these things eventually, even though it is not comfortable (to say the least), so I might as well get going now.
Here are my excuses of late. (1) I have a headache – I’m going to wait until I get through this round of headaches and then I will get back to business. (Still hasn’t happened. Going on 3 weeks of a fairly constant headache. It might not happen for weeks.) (2) It’s an ice day and it’s cold and I just want comfort food. I live in Texas, so thank goodness this doesn’t happen often, but it has been the temptation the last few days. It’s a good thing I don’t live in the Northeast! (3) I’m so sleepy. (Being tired and sleepy makes me want to eat.) (4) Danged candy bowl. Why do people have to leave this stuff around to tempt me all the time? I’ll just eat until this is gone. (What happens when they fill it back up again? One is never enough so one is always too many.) (5) Someone brought bunuelos today. I’ll just have that for breakfast instead of a MF shake. Etc., etc.
I’ve got to think up responses to these excuses and put them into practice. Bottom line is, I’m going to have to do what I keep putting off if things are ever going to change. I might as well get going now. I will feel better in so many ways. (So why is it always so hard to get going?)
I had a bunuelo for breakfast. That’s done. But I can have a MF shake for lunch and just go on like that did not happen. No more procrastinating. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of feeling like life is never going to change. I’m not magically going to wake up some morning feeling better, wanting to go to work, ready to get some exercise in whatever way I can do right now, etc. I just have to do it anyway. Sigh.
I also get lonely, off and on. Steph is keeping herself pretty busy (good for her). I need to get out and find my own friends, and I hope someday, a husband. That would be nice. I don’t mind being alone most of the time, but sometimes enough is enough. And ultimately, I do want to marry again if I found the right guy. But I certainly don’t want to settle for the wrong one. No sir.
So it’s afternoon now and my pep talk did me some good. I have stayed on track since the bunuelo this morning. I have a plan for dinner, so I think I will be fine. I WILL be fine.
One thing I have been procrastinating about is sending back some of the MF shakes and replacing them with something else. I got that done today, so that is good. I need to decide what I need to order to get me through to my trip on March 4. If I’m going to do this, I need to do it and stop being wishy-washy. And I do need the fast weight loss. I’ve messed around the last 3 weeks and gone backwards and I am hurting again. I had been feeling better.
Now, clean slate. I am going to do this through March 3, with one day off a week. And I need to make the decision about getting off sugar. Either I am or I’m not. But history tells me that’s what I need to do.