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Thursday, March 27, 2014

Accountability

Just a quick post.  I'm struggling.  My emotions are so up and down and out there and I am turning to food to deal with it.  I have also still been tired, although not as bad as last week.

Today I felt bigger than I have in a while.  I haven't faced the scale.  I did a little blog reading during lunch and that helped a little.  Tonight I am watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss to hopefully get some motivation.

My daughter is sick with a stomach virus and asked me to stop by CVS on my way home to get her something.  This is the first time I have been in the store in a while that I haven't come away with something sweet, so that was a little progress, anyway.  I picked up a Cobb Salad for dinner.

I'm hoping a little accountability will help.  I don't want to keep going in the wrong direction.  That's it for tonight.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Trying to Get Back To It


I messed around last week and didn’t follow through on getting off sugar, etc.  I was inordinately tired and I used that as an excuse.  I do feel better today, after trying to rest up more over the weekend, but regardless, I need to stop using that as an excuse.  Today is the day.

 

It is 1:45 p.m., and so far today I have done what I intended.  I am feeling a little “porky” right now.  I’m pretty sure I’ve put on some weight the last two weeks with the sweets I have been eating.  I want to nip that weight gain in the bud, so I am drinking Atkins shakes at least some of the time.  It is also a method I use to get off of sugar.  I have had a shake for breakfast and one for lunch, and have one available for mid-afternoon, if I need it.  I am supplementing it with some fruit, a few almonds, and some celery.  If I need to eat a little more of other things while I ward off the sugar cravings, I will do that, but I am trying to hold it in check.  So far I am okay.  I will eat a regular low carb dinner.  The plan is stuffed pork chops and some kind of veggie – probably roasted Brussels sprouts.

 

I went to church yesterday (for the first time in many weeks).  My daughter went with me for the first time.  We walked, since it is right downtown and we can walk in less time than it takes to get out of a parking garage.  Anyway, we were running a little later than we wanted, so we were hurrying.  I was having to work to keep up with my daughter and I was getting very out of breath.  It let me know how out of shape I have gotten.  I am not being critical of myself.  It is understandable, since my back issues and then recovery from the two surgeries has kept me from doing much of anything in a while.

 

My plan this week is just to do something every day.  It may be just walking my dog, but I want to just get up and move more.  There is time to get back to “real” workouts.  I can build up to those.  I don’t want to do too much too soon.  Since it was pretty nippy this morning, but is supposed to be quite warm this afternoon, I decided today I would walk my dog for 30 minutes after work.  My dog can use it and so can I.  Although it was not part of planned exercise, I got some yesterday with walking to church and back.  I have also been doing more chores the last 3 days, trying to get my loft back in shape after the mess from the wedding (we brought a lot of stuff in and just dumped it and Steph and I were both too exhausted last week to get it all put away).  That’s what I did this morning – I did at least 30 minutes worth of chores.  I think that, coupled with my eating plan, should have good results for me.  I haven’t faced the scale, so I won’t be able to tell how much I lose.  I want to give myself a couple of weeks of getting back on track before I face it.

 

There are some things in my life I have been thinking about.  A couple of things I want to overcome, some things I want to not just plan to do in the future, but actually get to the doing it, and other ways I want to move forward in my life.  I spend my time making plans for the future and things keep getting put off so that I am not really living life, just planning to live it (if that makes sense).

 

One thing I want to overcome once and for all is my phone phobia.  I hate to talk on the phone, but it is not just that – I kind of have a phobia of it.  So much that I don’t do things that need to be done because of it.  I think the phobia comes from the fact that I associated the phone with bad news for many years.  It seemed like every time the phone rang, someone was telling me something bad that happened (usually related to my son being in trouble at the time).  Whatever caused it, there is no reason for it now and I need to “just get over it.”  Time to nip it in the bud.  I just have to face it when it comes up and do what I need to do, even if it makes me uncomfortable.

 

One thing I have wanted to do in my weight loss/fitness efforts is to participate in some events.  I think it is time to do that.  I can do a 5k, even if it is just walking.  Our church is participating in some kind of walk/run event and one option is to do one mile.  That would be a challenge for me right now.  The event is in April, so I think I will do that one-mile walk.  I’m pretty sure I could plow through it even if I didn’t train for it, but I want to be able to walk it as quickly as possible without huffing and puffing so much.  So I am going to work on it.

 

The other way I want to move forward in my life is that I am ready to find a man.  I am never going to meet anyone if all I do is go to work and go home.  It’s time to branch out in my life.  I have gotten back to church, and I plan to participate in events our SS class plans.  There is a certain man I am interested in (I went out with him in December).  I don’t know if that is ever going to go anywhere (he lives in El Paso), but I wish it would.  Only time will tell.

 

I have made it through the afternoon okay, although I was hungry and I ate more almonds than I planned.  But today the only rules are no sweets.  As long as I do that, I will feel like I have accomplished something.

 

It has been a busy day and I have had to do a lot of walking back and forth to the conference room.  I did not take a lunch.  This is the first day I have worked through without taking a break since I have been back to work.  I’m tired, but I still want to do that 30-minute walk.  Hopefully I don’t have to stay much longer.  It’s 6:00.

 

That’s all for today.  I will report back tomorrow on how I did.

 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

More Wedding Happenings and Over the Hump


I pretty much ate as planned yesterday (except for some hard candies out of the candy bowl).  Today is not starting out so well.  I’m just so darned tired.  I don’t know why I’m not sleeping well right now, but I think I will try some melatonin tonight and see if that helps.  I just want to get caught up.  One thing that is happening is my cat is waking me up.  Usually it is early morning (like around 5:00 a.m.), and I get up and give him some wet food and he settles down in not too long.  This morning it was about 1:15 a.m.  After that, I slept very fitfully.  My covers, sheets and mattress pad are coming off the bed, I was so restless.  I just need to get caught up.  The weekend cannot come too soon.

 

Some more happenings at the wedding:

 

My ex was there.  We were a little nervous that he would make a scene.  He had texted Bethany the week before wondering why no one had talked to him about walking her down the aisle.  She had to tell him that he would not be doing that.  I kind of expected that he would be okay – his mother hates any kind of a scene and he was always very aware of that.  He behaved very well.  I talked to him for quite a while, mostly about memories of our kids’ childhoods (his current wife was in on the conversation).  I felt very confident and made it a point to talk with him.  No matter what he has done, I can still be gracious and polite.  I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel insecure about.

 

Another thing that happened is after the wedding, my family left – most of them had a drive and had to be at work the next day.  Both of my sisters and their husbands had helped with setup, as well as Tom’s family and extended family.  After the wedding, Tom’s mother came up to me and said she was going to need me to get my family to come back because we were responsible for tearing everything down and cleaning the place up.  No one had told me that ahead of time.  Of course, I expected to help, along with my son and daughter, but I did not feel like I could ask my family to stay when no arrangement had been made ahead of time.  However, I knew that Tom’s family had worked very hard and I was not taking what they had done for granted.  I think Penie was just stressed about having to have her extended family help even more than they already had.  She came across as kind of rude, but I don’t think that was her intent.  I knew that there was no way I was going to call my family and tell them to turn around and come back.  I had just made up my mind that I would do all the work myself, if I had to.  My son had assured me that he would be there to help for the duration and, of course, I can always count on Stephanie to help.  As it turned out, Tom’s extended family was very gracious about staying and helping.  Everyone was just happy to give Tom and Bethany their day and no one complained (except one uncle who had gotten rip-roaring drunk – even though we served no alcohol at the wedding).  Because of all that, I did more than I should have.  I didn’t carry anything extremely heavy, but I folded up chairs and carried them and loaded stuff I could manage in the car.  I know my doctors would not approve, but I wasn’t going to sit around and let everyone else do the work.  I just couldn’t.  I felt pretty stressed and bad about it, but there was nothing else I could do.

 

Speaking of the uncle who got drunk, that was pretty bad.  Maybe their side of the family felt so bad about him, they were trying to compensate.  He kept trying to get Stephanie to hug him.  She hugged him once, but that was all she was going to do.  She doesn’t go around hugging just anyone (because of some things that happened to her when she was a child).  This guy told everyone who was around that she was the most “frigid” woman he had ever met.  My son told him to leave the ladies alone – that they didn’t like it – but he wouldn’t listen or stop.  There were some pretty stony looking faces around there (not at my son, but because they were embarrassed and mad about what the uncle had done).  Lol.

 

Stephanie and I have to go tonight and finish cleaning out a storage unit.  It’s the job that just won’t quit, and we can never find any help.  I’m so tired and don’t want to do this, but so is Steph, and it will go much quicker if we both do it.  I seem to have the never-ending headache right now and this is the last thing I want to do.  Ugh.

 

I’ll probably go on to bed after that.  I need to get rested.  At least we are over the hump of this week.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Time to Get Moving

I’m starting to get myself together a little after the surgeries and the wedding.  I was so tired yesterday, I didn’t feel like focusing on much of anything, but today I am trying to get back to it, at least a little.

The wedding went well.  We had one scare in that we were supposed to be given access to the venue at 2:00 p.m. for a 5:30 wedding.  The ones who were there doing the set-up called us at about 2:15 and said no one had showed up yet to open the building.  Bethany began trying to make phone calls, but no one answered because it was Sunday.  It was a city-owned building.  After a while she was in tears and you had to wonder if there was going to be a wedding.  They showed up a little before 3:00 and said their paperwork said to open the building at 3:00.  They showed them our paperwork, which said 2:00.  We will have some haggling to do with them.  Not only should we not have to pay for that hour, but I think she should be given a bigger discount because of the emotional roller-coaster they put her on.  This wasn’t some smaller thing, like a family reunion or something.  This was a wedding and we had a lot to do in a short amount of time to get everything put together.

We were not able to have the ceremony outdoors.  The high was in the 50’s and dropping on Sunday and the wind was blowing hard and cold.  There is a screened porch around two sides of the building.  We entered the room from that porch to walk down the aisle and it was freezing!  All the ladies had on sleeveless or strapless dresses, so we were cold!  The room was hard to heat too, but it was okay.  The wedding was beautiful and the bride was beautiful.  I don’t have many pictures yet, but here are a couple taken with our phones.

Stephanie and Bethany - Maid of Honor and Bride
(My Beautiful Girls)

Mother and Bride

Mother of the Bride
One sweet thing was that during the reception, they called me up to the DJ stand.  Bethany said a few words about me as a mother, that I was her rock, etc. (very sweet and humbling things), and then I danced with Jacob (my son) while someone sang Mama’s Song by Carrie Underwood.  I shed a few tears during Bethany’s vows, and quite a few more during that song, but managed to hold it together the rest of the time.

I was still very tired this morning, and I am sore.  I did more than I should have Sunday, but tried not to do anything too extreme.  However, I was folding up and carrying chairs, among other things, two weeks after a hysterectomy and four weeks after back surgery.  I just didn’t feel like I could sit around and let Tom’s family do all the work.  I don’t feel like I have injured myself or anything, but I am sore.  It mostly feels like it is sore muscles from using some I haven’t used in a while, but my abdomen is a little sore too.  Except for work, I didn’t do anything yesterday.  My loft is a pit right now, but I am going to get rested up before I worry about it.  I was still quite tired this morning, but have felt better as the day has gone on.  I still plan to take it easy tonight.  I was so tired and sleepy last night, I forgot to take any medication before bed and slept rather fitfully.  I won’t do that tonight.

My goal today, eating-wise, is to stay away from sweets.  I need to get off of sugar again.  I am trying to eat fairly healthily otherwise, but mostly trying to stay away from sweets today.  I had a ham, mushroom, egg and swiss sandwich on wheat bread from Potbelly this morning.  Lunch was a Farmhouse Chicken Salad from Potbelly for lunch.  My daughter is bringing home some rotisserie chicken from Boston Market for dinner tonight.  We need to buy groceries and do some meal planning.  That won’t be happening today, though.  Rest, rest, rest is my plan for at least a couple of more days.

One thing I am using for motivation on getting off sugar is an article I read about how sugar affects your arteries and leads to heart disease, among other things.  It said it was like sand paper to your arteries, which roughs up the walls of the arteries, which is what causes the plaque to build up – not cholesterol in your food.  Sometimes just the effect it has on weight loss is not enough to keep me from eating sweets when I really want them, but that information helps me a little more.  It is worse for you than anything else you can eat, in my opinion.

Now that the wedding is over and my back is so much better and I will be able to start getting more exercise, I feel the need to get back to more of a lifestyle mentality and less of a diet mentality.  My thoughts this morning were about drinking Atkins shakes, etc. for breakfast and lunch when I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to do what I could before the wedding without being able to get any exercise, but things have changed now.  So my focus will be on healthy eating, with a reasonable amount of calories (probably somewhere around 1,500 per day).  I hope that with the hormone replacement therapy, my body will be a little more cooperative about letting go of weight, but that remains to be seen.  After I feel rested, I plan to start walking more and more.  Then, after a couple of more weeks, I will start on some strength training, starting slow and building up.  That’s the plan.  Now that I am doing so much better, I have no excuses.  Time to get moving.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Back to the Real World and Wedding Coming Up

I was back to work starting yesterday, so time to get back to blogging.  I have not had weight loss on my mind much at all while recovering, so didn’t think much about blogging.  I am trying to get everything going again today.

My recovery has been good.  I am 13 days out from the hysterectomy and a little less than 3-1/2 weeks out from the back surgery.  Compared to what it was before, my back feels awesome.  I walked my dog for the first time since November yesterday morning.

The whole time I was off work, it was like all I wanted was sweets and I had no willpower at all.  I expected that I would have gained quite a bit.  Although I haven’t weighed, I haven’t felt like I have gained and when I put on my work clothes yesterday and this morning, they felt the same.  In fact, I am wearing a blouse I only recently got into (before surgeries) and it seems even a little looser.  Now that I am back to work, it’s like my willpower turned back on and, so far, I am back to business. J

We are counting down to my daughter’s wedding, which is this coming Sunday.  It has been extremely stressful, especially last week.  The girls were not getting along.  Beth thought Steph wasn’t helping her enough and Steph felt like Beth was being unreasonable.  I saw both “sides,” but I don’t think Beth realizes how much Steph has been doing, particularly for me while I was recovering.  And I think Steph could have been more willing to do whatever Beth needed help with, instead of just things she feels like she is good at.  I was extremely emotional last week (hormones).  I cried for days in a row.  I knew I was not being reasonable about what I was crying about, but I couldn’t make it stop.  I am now on HRT (estrogen), and am starting to feel a little better.

One of the big stressors for Bethany and Tom concerning the wedding is that they have been waiting on some money to come in.  Tom was taking money out of his 401(k), but based on what he was told, it might not get here until after the wedding.  However, I found out that his parents are helping him with a credit card, to be paid back when the money comes in.  So that is a big load lifted.  I (thanks to my boss), am able to offer some help too, but am waiting on an AFLAC check to come in.  It could come any day.  If it does not come by Friday, I will use money from my paycheck and cover bills with the AFLAC money.  I have two checks coming, but I only filed one claim yesterday.  The other was filed on Feb. 27.  They also have gotten a couple of good-sized monetary wedding gifts, and those are helping.  So I think the wedding will go forward as she hoped.

I think I have mentioned that my son is managing a nice restaurant in Arlington.  His restaurant is doing very well, largely due to his efforts (it is a new restaurant and was struggling until he took over as manager), and the fact that they have amazing food.  He has been instrumental in getting more people in the door, and once they have dined there, they want to come back.  His restaurant is catering the wedding.  So it will be delicious food for the wedding, and good advertising for the restaurant.  If you are in the D/FW area, you really should try Chop House Steaks & Seafood in Pantego (basically, Arlington).  My son will take good care of you and the food is absolutely awesome.  Note:  it is a higher end restaurant, so if you are expecting prices like McDonald’s, or even like Chili’s or someplace like that, it is higher than that.  But not nearly as high as many high end restaurants.  And the food is as good as anywhere I have been.  My boss has taken me to some very nice restaurants, so I do have something to compare it to.

I bought my Mother-of-the-Bride dress Saturday.  My daughters each gave it two thumbs up.  Stephanie likes it so much, she wants to wear it sometime.  Here are pictures from the website.  I will post pictures of me in it after the wedding.
 
 
 
 
Sorry the back is blurry.  The picture from the website was really small and I wanted you to be able to see it a little better.  It is kind of see-through and has a lot of beading.  It is really beautiful.  I am hoping to be able to pull it off without a bra, since I am not very big-chested anymore.  I don't want my bra showing through the back.  The color is a dark (but somewhat bright) purple.  I look good in purple.  :)
 
I'm going to get my color done on my hair today, and have some "swoopy" bangs cut, to go with how I plan to do my hair.  It may be kind of an up-do, or at least pulled back from my face with lots of curls.  But I like to have a little bang going over my forehead.  And we cannot have MOB with roots showing and gray hairs showing through.  :)  I am quite young-looking anyway, and I don't want my hair to detract from that.
 
Of course, I had hoped to be a lot further along on my weight loss efforts by now, but I think dealing with the health issues (particularly my back) was absolutely critical for me to be able to continue, so I am okay with it.  As soon as I recover some more, I will begin stepping up my workouts.  My back doctor said I should start some core work, but I did not tell her I had the hysterectomy, so I will have to wait a couple of more weeks to do anything about that.  My doctor note from the hysterectomy doctor says I can return to regular duty on 3/24/14.  But I doubt that means doing core exercises.  Probably I should wait six weeks for that.  We will see.

 My kids’ father figured out Sunday that he will not be walking Beth down the aisle.  I almost feel bad for him (merciful person as I am, and I am not being sarcastic), but he has done nothing to be her father in 10 years.  My son is walking Beth down the aisle.  Beth just did not feel she had the relationship with her father that made her want to have him do it.  I do know he plans to be there, unless he bows out because of this situation.  I have not lost as much as I would have liked, but I know I look enough different where there is a huge difference.  He didn’t recognize me when I saw him in October.  But he is very strange that way.  He didn’t recognize Bethany either.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.

 That’s all for today.  I just wanted to get a post up, now that I am somewhat back to normal life.