In trying to work my way through this huge storm I have been in, I decided journaling would be a good idea. It’s a way of getting things out of me. I used to blog, which was a form of journaling, but went into hiding 3 months ago. That’s why I haven’t been posting, because I am hiding. Something I do. Especially when I am not doing well.
I decided maybe blogging would be a good way of combatting this tendency. Even if I am not doing well. I need to get my thoughts out of me, and doing it in my blog will confront the hiding tendency and will hopefully be therapeutic. So, even though I am not doing well on my fitness, these emotional things are supremely relevant, and maybe if I post them, they will help someone else. However, if you don’t want to read and they are de-motivating for you, I certainly understand.
I am not happy right now, obviously. But I think a lot of my problem is that I know it is going to take some work to be happy again and I just don’t feel energetic enough to do what it takes, so I escape. Then I don’t have to think about that I’m not happy. But I’m either going to be unhappy the rest of my life, sitting on my arse in front of the TV, or I am going to have to find the motivation to do what it takes to be happy again.
If I am to be completely honest, this really started when the guy I was interested in and with whom I thought there might be a chance of a future, told me he was dating someone. We had not been talking much, but I thought there was another reason for that. (We have an ongoing relationship outside of the one I hoped was beginning for us.) So when he told me that, it kind of threw me for a loop. It was not because I had let my heart get attached to him, `but because I was back to square one and it is such an effort to develop any kind of dating relationship. I was back to no prospects and feeling like life will never change for me.
One of the things I started doing a couple of days ago was to try to make some different choices in other ways. I have been watching TV constantly the last few months, and for me, it has been an escape mechanism. I have also been addicted to online jigsaw puzzles. Not bad in itself, but it is part of my hiding. So I am trying to do less of those things. I started a book – just an enjoyable piece of fiction – and have been reading some during the evening, interspersed with some cleaning. The reading provokes different thought processes.
This next bit may seem weird to you, but this is how my mind works sometimes. This was something I journaled the last couple of days: I was thinking that if I were writing a book about my life (as in fiction, but I was the main character), what would my character do on a normal day after getting home from work (how would I write that?). For some reason, it helps for me to think of myself in the third person -- like I am acting the part of the person I want to be. Everything I wrote down had to do with self-care. Even cleaning the loft is a form of self-care. (I have to see that cleaning is a way of taking care of myself, because it helps my mental state so much.) I realized how much I do not practice self-care, especially right now. For some reason, if I look at myself in the third person, it seems much more motivating for me to do things, than seeing myself as, well, myself. That shows I have a long way to go in learning to love myself. I often tell myself, “I’ve GOT to stop doing…” or “I’ve GOT to start doing….” I am not responding well to that right now, mainly because the motivation is all wrong. It is not out of love for myself, but out of a lack of acceptance of myself.
So, I got to thinking, I need to do these acts of self-love – e.g., preparing myself an attractive meal and sitting down at the table to enjoy it, doing the exercises the doctor gave me to do for my foot (not sure I have told you about that), maintaining my home (because I deserve a lovely, peaceful environment), little grooming tasks – and consciously think that I am doing them as an act of love toward myself. I need to do some more thinking and reading and praying about overcoming my lack of self-love. It is the root of almost everything I struggle with.
As far as my foot, I can’t remember if I posted about this (I have written posts many times and not posted them), I finally went to the foot doctor. My heel had been bothering me for a long time. I thought it was probably plantar fasciitis. It seemed to have been brought on by the hard, concrete floors in my loft, day in and day out. I have to be very careful to wear supportive shoes all the time. But even then, my heel has been bothering me because, inevitably, I will get up and go to the bathroom or something every once in a while without my shoes on. Turns out, it was a problem with my Achilles tendon and the doctor put me in a boot for at least 4 weeks (I have been wearing it for 3 weeks, now). I am also supposed to be doing some stretching/strengthening exercises and icing it every day, but I haven’t been very good about doing those things. I have worn the boot, and stretched a little and iced it a couple of times, but that’s all. It is still hurting, but maybe a little better. I need to zone in on the stretching, etc. this coming week. I kind of hope he will give me an injection when I go in, but I know there is a worry of the tendon rupturing, and we wouldn’t want that.
The only weight-loss method I used today was to tell myself to eat only when stomach-growling hungry. I can eat what I want when I get there, but should stop when I feel physically satisfied. That’s not such a bad method. I am just not doing well with too much restriction right now.
That’s all for today. Just wanted to try to come out of hiding a little bit.