I've known this for a very long time, but right now I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind. Life is about choices. I can make good choices and I can make bad choices, and the choices I make have a great deal to do with my happiness. Yes, there are addictions to contend with. An alcoholic has a strong addiction to contend with, but still, it really boils down to choices. I have felt so powerless over the events of the last few months, and my appetite, but the truth is, I could have made different choices and I would have been much happier with my life right now. So, even though I have a lot of ground to make up and sometimes it seems like an insurmountable hurdle, everything boils down to the choices I make on a day-to-day basis.
I went to CVS a few minutes ago, which is only a few yards from the door of my downtown loft, to pick up a prescription. Very handy, yes. But having a store that close creates some challenges. I can choose to not keep certain foods in my home, but it is such a small thing to walk over to CVS and get them, it can be very challenging indeed when I am not in the right state of mind.
So as I walked through CVS after getting my prescription and happened (really) to walk by and see one of the candies that continually trips me up, the temptation was there. I usually buy this candy (fruit slices -- kind of like gum drops) in smallish bags, but this time I saw these little bins of them and that was very tempting. I wanted to get the bin just because I never have before. But I know me -- I will keep eating until they are gone, and then I would feel awful, in more ways than one. I reminded myself that I would not be happy after making that choice, and I really do want to feel better. The prescription I just picked up was my antidepressant. I got back on the antidepressant because of this powerless feeling I have had the last few months. Sometimes I just need a little help. But I still have to make the right choices. So, the good news is, I passed up the candy and did not buy anything detrimental while at CVS. The day is not over yet, and I have often started out on the right track, started a blog post, and totally gotten off track by the end of the day and never posted my entry.
The "good" thing is, my reclusive tendency usually wins over my sugar addiction these days if I am not required to make an extra trip out of the loft for some other reason (this morning I had to go to the office to pick up a check that came in for my daughter), so if I passed it up on this trip, I am much less likely to get out again and go get it. That doesn't mean I won't make myself something at home, but I will take my victories as they come (and I have no plans to make myself anything). I really do want to get on a better track. Even if I am not on a weight-loss plan, as such, I just need to find some normalcy in my eating.
My daughter had a young girl staying with us last night, a girl she used to nanny whose family has broken up and Stephanie feels like she needs a friend. So I did make waffles for the occasion this morning, but only ate two squares of waffle with only a little syrup (we only had enough for us each to have a little), and then ate another plain square later. Not the greatest choice, but certainly not outside of normal. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Usually I am either consciously working on my weight (to lose it), or I have fallen off the wagon and out of control most of the time. I feel like I need to find a normal for now. So, I don't know what my next meal will be, but I will wait to eat until my stomach feels hungry. I am thinking about making homemade pizza, which means I need to start the dough so it will be ready when the time comes. Homemade, whatever it is, is so much better for you than store-bought because of the preservatives and stuff they put in everything. I have a little whole wheat pastry flour I will mix in with the white flour and that will make it a little better.
Since the young girl stayed with us last night, Steph and I got up and did some cleaning together before she came over, so the loft doesn't feel like it has as far to go as it did when I got home from work yesterday. My daughter is taking her young friend out shopping, so I will have some solitude this afternoon. I have not had much of that lately since my daughter has been recovering from her latest surgery. I don't think I posted that she did finely go in and have surgery, but I will talk more about that another day. I don't think we are done yet. Anyway, I tend to clean more when I am alone (I don't know why), so I will do some cleaning and some more reading and relaxing this afternoon. The loft already feels better because it is tidier than it was and that makes me feel more at peace.
That's all for today. I will try to post again tomorrow, no matter how much "success" I have today. I just want to practice self-care in different ways, for the most part.