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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Toxic Shame

Just a quick post.  I'm doing a lot of studying about shame.  Shame is my big problem, I am seeing, and a lot of my behaviors are ways of coping with it, or ways of escaping those feelings.

I'll share what I am learning as I get it a little better in my head and heart, and put it to practice.  But I recommend you search on the internet about this subject if you think you have this problem.  A large majority of us who struggle with compulsive behaviors have a big problem with toxic shame, I would dare to guess.

That's all.  I'm here, working on things and hopefully it will start making a difference in the practical things like my eating habits, very soon.

More about this another day.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Baby Steps

Just a quick post to try to keep things going.  I had a decent weekend -- better than I've had in a while.  I didn't feel so down and was mildly productive, instead of sitting in front of the TV all weekend.

I have continued my efforts with eating only when my stomach is hungry and that is going pretty well.  I eat what I want to when I do eat, but I have been good about stopping when I was satisfied.

It would be nice if my weight would begin to respond, and it may a little, but I know I will have to do more than this to make much progress.  My back is hurting me and I am quite sure part of it is from the gained weight.  But I feel better for the progress that has been made the last few days.  It's nice to be feeling a little better.

When I say my back hurts, it is just a backache.  None of the really bad radiating pain I was having before surgery.  I know getting my weight down would help.  It also helps to keep moving a bit instead of sitting too much.  Baby steps, but at least I am taking some.

Have a great week everyone!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Life is About Choices

I've known this for a very long time, but right now I need to bring it to the forefront of my mind.  Life is about choices.  I can make good choices and I can make bad choices, and the choices I make have a great deal to do with my happiness.  Yes, there are addictions to contend with.  An alcoholic has a strong addiction to contend with, but still, it really boils down to choices. I have felt so powerless over the events of the last few months, and my appetite, but the truth is, I could have made different choices and I would have been much happier with my life right now.  So, even though I have a lot of ground to make up and sometimes it seems like an insurmountable hurdle, everything boils down to the choices I make on a day-to-day basis.

I went to CVS a few minutes ago, which is only a few yards from the door of my downtown loft, to pick up a prescription.  Very handy, yes.  But having a store that close creates some challenges.  I can choose to not keep certain foods in my home, but it is such a small thing to walk over to CVS and get them, it can be very challenging indeed when I am not in the right state of mind.

So as I walked through CVS after getting my prescription and happened (really) to walk by and see one of the candies that continually trips me up, the temptation was there.  I usually buy this candy (fruit slices -- kind of like gum drops) in smallish bags, but this time I saw these little bins of them and that was very tempting.  I wanted to get the bin just because I never have before.  But I know me -- I will keep eating until they are gone, and then I would feel awful, in more ways than one.  I reminded myself that I would not be happy after making that choice, and I really do want to feel better.  The prescription I just picked up was my antidepressant.  I got back on the antidepressant because of this powerless feeling I have had the last few months.  Sometimes I just need a little help.  But I still have to make the right choices.  So, the good news is, I passed up the candy and did not buy anything detrimental while at CVS.  The day is not over yet, and I have often started out on the right track, started a blog post, and totally gotten off track by the end of the day and never posted my entry.

The "good" thing is, my reclusive tendency usually wins over my sugar addiction these days if I am not required to make an extra trip out of the loft for some other reason (this morning I had to go to the office to pick up a check that came in for my daughter), so if I passed it up on this trip, I am much less likely to get out again and go get it.  That doesn't mean I won't make myself something at home, but I will take my victories as they come (and I have no plans to make myself anything).  I really do want to get on a better track.  Even if I am not on a weight-loss plan, as such, I just need to find some normalcy in my eating.

My daughter had a young girl staying with us last night, a girl she used to nanny whose family has broken up and Stephanie feels like she needs a friend.  So I did make waffles for the occasion this morning, but only ate two squares of waffle with only a little syrup (we only had enough for us each to have a little), and then ate another plain square later.  Not the greatest choice, but certainly not outside of normal.  Sometimes I just want to be normal.  Usually I am either consciously working on my weight (to lose it), or I have fallen off the wagon and out of control most of the time.  I feel like I need to find a normal for now.  So, I don't know what my next meal will be, but I will wait to eat until my stomach feels hungry.  I am thinking about making homemade pizza, which means I need to start the dough so it will be ready when the time comes.  Homemade, whatever it is, is so much better for you than store-bought because of the preservatives and stuff they put in everything.  I have a little whole wheat pastry flour I will mix in with the white flour and that will make it a little better.

Since the young girl stayed with us last night, Steph and I got up and did some cleaning together before she came over, so the loft doesn't feel like it has as far to go as it did when I got home from work yesterday.  My daughter is taking her young friend out shopping, so I will have some solitude this afternoon.  I have not had much of that lately since my daughter has been recovering from her latest surgery.  I don't think I posted that she did finely go in and have surgery, but I will talk more about that another day.  I don't think we are done yet.  Anyway, I tend to clean more when I am alone (I don't know why), so I will do some cleaning and some more reading and relaxing this afternoon.  The loft already feels better because it is tidier than it was and that makes me feel more at peace.

That's all for today.  I will try to post again tomorrow, no matter how much "success" I have today.  I just want to practice self-care in different ways, for the most part.


Friday, June 13, 2014

Trying to Come Out of Hiding

In trying to work my way through this huge storm I have been in, I decided journaling would be a good idea.  It’s a way of getting things out of me.  I used to blog, which was a form of journaling, but went into hiding 3 months ago.  That’s why I haven’t been posting, because I am hiding.  Something I do.  Especially when I am not doing well.

I decided maybe blogging would be a good way of combatting this tendency.  Even if I am not doing well.  I need to get my thoughts out of me, and doing it in my blog will confront the hiding tendency and will hopefully be therapeutic.  So, even though I am not doing well on my fitness, these emotional things are supremely relevant, and maybe if I post them, they will help someone else.  However, if you don’t want to read and they are de-motivating for you, I certainly understand.

I am not happy right now, obviously.  But I think a lot of my problem is that I know it is going to take some work to be happy again and I just don’t feel energetic enough to do what it takes, so I escape.  Then I don’t have to think about that I’m not happy.  But I’m either going to be unhappy the rest of my life, sitting on my arse in front of the TV, or I am going to have to find the motivation to do what it takes to be happy again.

If I am to be completely honest, this really started when the guy I was interested in and with whom I thought there might be a chance of a future, told me he was dating someone.  We had not been talking much, but I thought there was another reason for that.  (We have an ongoing relationship outside of the one I hoped was beginning for us.)  So when he told me that, it kind of threw me for a loop.  It was not because I had let my heart get attached to him, `but because I was back to square one and it is such an effort to develop any kind of dating relationship.  I was back to no prospects and feeling like life will never change for me.

One of the things I started doing a couple of days ago was to try to make some different choices in other ways.  I have been watching TV constantly the last few months, and for me, it has been an escape mechanism.  I have also been addicted to online jigsaw puzzles.  Not bad in itself, but it is part of my hiding.  So I am trying to do less of those things.  I started a book – just an enjoyable piece of fiction – and have been reading some during the evening, interspersed with some cleaning.  The reading provokes different thought processes.

This next bit may seem weird to you, but this is how my mind works sometimes.  This was something I journaled the last couple of days:  I was thinking that if I were writing a book about my life (as in fiction, but I was the main character), what would my character do on a normal day after getting home from work (how would I write that?).  For some reason, it helps for me to think of myself in the third person -- like I am acting the part of the person I want to be.  Everything I wrote down had to do with self-care.  Even cleaning the loft is a form of self-care.  (I have to see that cleaning is a way of taking care of myself, because it helps my mental state so much.)  I realized how much I do not practice self-care, especially right now.  For some reason, if I look at myself in the third person, it seems much more motivating for me to do things, than seeing myself as, well, myself.  That shows I have a long way to go in learning to love myself.  I often tell myself, “I’ve GOT to stop doing…” or “I’ve GOT to start doing….”  I am not responding well to that right now, mainly because the motivation is all wrong.  It is not out of love for myself, but out of a lack of acceptance of myself.

So, I got to thinking, I need to do these acts of self-love – e.g., preparing myself an attractive meal and sitting down at the table to enjoy it, doing the exercises the doctor gave me to do for my foot (not sure I have told you about that), maintaining my home (because I deserve a lovely, peaceful environment), little grooming tasks – and consciously think that I am doing them as an act of love toward myself.  I need to do some more thinking and reading and praying about overcoming my lack of self-love.  It is the root of almost everything I struggle with.

As far as my foot, I can’t remember if I posted about this (I have written posts many times and not posted them), I finally went to the foot doctor.  My heel had been bothering me for a long time.  I thought it was probably plantar fasciitis.  It seemed to have been brought on by the hard, concrete floors in my loft, day in and day out.  I have to be very careful to wear supportive shoes all the time.  But even then, my heel has been bothering me because, inevitably, I will get up and go to the bathroom or something every once in a while without my shoes on.  Turns out, it was a problem with my Achilles tendon and the doctor put me in a boot for at least 4 weeks (I have been wearing it for 3 weeks, now).  I am also supposed to be doing some stretching/strengthening exercises and icing it every day, but I haven’t been very good about doing those things.  I have worn the boot, and stretched a little and iced it a couple of times, but that’s all.  It is still hurting, but maybe a little better.  I need to zone in on the stretching, etc. this coming week.  I kind of hope he will give me an injection when I go in, but I know there is a worry of the tendon rupturing, and we wouldn’t want that.

The only weight-loss method I used today was to tell myself to eat only when stomach-growling hungry.  I can eat what I want when I get there, but should stop when I feel physically satisfied.  That’s not such a bad method.  I am just not doing well with too much restriction right now.

That’s all for today.  Just wanted to try to come out of hiding a little bit.