I was trying to figure out the crux of where my problem is coming from. Why am I having so much trouble? And what is behind that?
All day, every day, I feel in many, many ways that something is wrong with me. If I am doing things that I have labeled as indicative of something being wrong with me, I get down on myself. But if I am being more successful, doing positive things that counter those labels, that helps keeps that feeling at bay. I’m proving that voice in my head wrong, that I am really okay. Or at least working toward being okay. But at times like these, when I feel powerless to keep up with those efforts, that feeling wants to take over me. “See, you’re really not okay. Something is wrong with you.” It is called shame. Guilt is feeling bad about something you have done or not done. Shame is feeling like you are a terrible person because you did or didn’t do those things. I don’t feel like a terrible person. I just feel abnormal, supremely flawed, like there is something wrong with me, and I don’t measure up to what I think I should (and to what mostly nameless and faceless people think I should). I constantly feel watched and judged.
I have defined my worth by my actions (or my inactions). I know it is not true – that that assessment is faulty – but I can’t make it stop. Hopefully something that has been inside of me all my life is coming to a head so I can deal with it. If I could deal with it and truly get past it, it will be worth it.
Anyone reading this could tell me, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.” I know, but nevertheless, I do. Is that what I would think of you if you were going through my current struggles? No. I am only this uncharitable to myself. To others, I am loving, patient and understanding (for the most part). To myself, not so much, I guess.
Perhaps my current struggles have everything to do with these unrelenting expectations I have of myself. I can’t live up to them, so I quit trying. I avoid people. I escape. But I can’t stop feeling bad about myself.
I will get past this. I just needed to get it out of me.