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Friday, May 23, 2014

Not My Usual Optimistic Self, But I'm Trying

I made a decision yesterday that “today was the day” I would get on a better track.  And I did.  I have tried so many times before, but had that wishy-washy feeling most times that let me know I was not fully committed to it.  I don’t know how much stronger my resolve is “this time,” but it was stronger than that, anyway.

Stephanie had surgery yesterday for another blockage and is in the hospital.  I knew there would not be time for cooking and planning.  Plus I wanted to do something that would help me have a good initial loss, which will encourage me and motivate me to keep going.  I thought about doing Medifast again, but I really hate the Medifast foods.  So my plan is to have protein bars (20-23 grams of protein) for breakfast and lunch (and snack, if needed), supplemented by fruit, and then have a reasonable dinner.

That is what I did yesterday.  My timing was messed up in that Stephanie didn’t get back to her room after surgery until around 7:00, so it was too late to get anything from the cafeteria.  I wanted to stay with her a while before heading home.  (I need to sleep at home for my own physical health.)  I ate more fruit than I probably would have otherwise, because I had not had dinner.  Then, when I got home between 9:30 and 10:00, I cooked me some sausage, eggs and cheese and had some popcorn.  So, not the greatest day, but much better, anyway.

Besides being at the hospital for Stephanie’s surgery, I had two doctor’s appointments yesterday.  The first was a follow-up with my back doctor.  Things are going okay there, but not great.  The really, really bad pain from before the surgery is gone, unless I do something stupid like lift something heavy.  But I still have significant back pain and pain down the backs of both legs (just aching – not the electric firing like before).  With pain meds, I am coping okay with that.  I know the weight I have gained (haven't weighed, so don't know how much) is adding to that

The other appointment was with the foot doctor.  I’ve been needing to do this for a while and finally did, since he was on the same campus as the hospital where Stephanie had surgery.  I've been having a lot of heel pain, so thought I probably had either plantar fasciitis or some tendinitis in the Achilles tendon.  It was the latter, except it wasn’t just mild tendinitis, from what I gather.  I am still waiting to hear back on the results of the x-ray, but he was concerned enough with it that he put me in a boot for the next four weeks.  He said I had a lump or hump at the back of my heel which indicates there is thickening of the tendon, etc.  I read about this today, and left untreated, it can get much worse and become chronic.  So I guess I will be a good girl and wear my boot.  I also have some stretching and strengthening exercises I have to do and have to ice it every day.  My heel is supposed to be lifted a little inside the boot, but the nurse forgot to give me that insert.  So I need to go back and get it.  The main thing is getting my left side balanced with the right so I am not walking lopsided.  The shoe on my left foot today did not do it.  It might if I had the heel lift in, but without it, I am out of balance.  I have to wear the boot all the time except when I do my exercises, bathe and when I sleep.  And, since it is my right foot, I can't wear it when I drive.

All of this does not leave me very mobile and I have not been very active in the last few months.  Just walking to work and back for the most part.  The pain issues have not been the main reason for that, it has been the depression.  I have been pretty reclusive about everything I have a choice about.  I have to go to work, so I do that, but anything else, it is like pulling teeth to get me out of the house.  I need to get on my recumbent bike.  Hopefully as I get my eating on a better track, my motivation will grow and I will get going with all this.  Part of the reason I don’t want to go anywhere is because I don’t feel good about myself.  I know the added weight is not helping my situation and I am ready to get it going in the opposite direction.

I am tired of the challenges of my life, but there is nothing to do but keep on going.  The depression is still there and hopefully I can begin to pull myself out of it a little more successfully.  Getting all this on a better track helps, but depression also leads to the negative behavior, so it is a vicious circle.  I need to get my fight back.  I am not my usual optimistic self a lot of the time these days.  At least not enough to be proactive about things.  But I’m trying.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Being Real

I’m writing this, not knowing if I will post it, because it is pretty raw and real.  I just need to get it out of me.

I was trying to figure out the crux of where my problem is coming from.  Why am I having so much trouble?  And what is behind that?

All day, every day, I feel in many, many ways that something is wrong with me.  If I am doing things that I have labeled as indicative of something being wrong with me, I get down on myself.  But if I am being more successful, doing positive things that counter those labels, that helps keeps that feeling at bay.  I’m proving that voice in my head wrong, that I am really okay.  Or at least working toward being okay.  But at times like these, when I feel powerless to keep up with those efforts, that feeling wants to take over me.  “See, you’re really not okay.  Something is wrong with you.”  It is called shame.  Guilt is feeling bad about something you have done or not done.  Shame is feeling like you are a terrible person because you did or didn’t do those things.  I don’t feel like a terrible person.  I just feel abnormal, supremely flawed, like there is something wrong with me, and I don’t measure up to what I think I should (and to what mostly nameless and faceless people think I should).  I constantly feel watched and judged.

I have defined my worth by my actions (or my inactions).  I know it is not true – that that assessment is faulty – but I can’t make it stop.  Hopefully something that has been inside of me all my life is coming to a head so I can deal with it.  If I could deal with it and truly get past it, it will be worth it.

Anyone reading this could tell me, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.”  I know, but nevertheless, I do.  Is that what I would think of you if you were going through my current struggles?  No.  I am only this uncharitable to myself.  To others, I am loving, patient and understanding (for the most part).  To myself, not so much, I guess.

Perhaps my current struggles have everything to do with these unrelenting expectations I have of myself.  I can’t live up to them, so I quit trying.  I avoid people.  I escape.  But I can’t stop feeling bad about myself.
I will get past this.  I just needed to get it out of me.