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Friday, April 25, 2014

Trying to Get On a Better Track

I’m trying to get going today.  Something happened yesterday that was kind of disconcerting to me.  Who knows why that particular thing hit me harder than anything else that could have, but it did.  I heard that an acquaintance (a female co-counsel we had on a case a while back) had a stroke and is in ICU and “it wasn’t good.”  I knew she was right about my age.  She has high school children.  She is kind of overweight, but not even as much as I am.  Although I didn’t know for sure, I had the intuition that she might not live.  I have read how strokes have been linked to insulin resistance, and certainly with diabetes, and knowing my sugar issues, it kind of scared me.  I didn’t know what caused her to have the stroke, but it was very sobering to me.  It just made me want to get back to working on my health again.  I found out today that she went to the hospital Sunday not feeling well.  They determined she had a very aggressive form of leukemia (she had not known it) and then she had the stroke.  She is on life support and they speculated her family would remove life support as soon as family from out of town had come to town and gotten a chance to see her.  It is so very, very sad.  I really like her.

So I am trying to get going today.  I’ll take whatever motivation I can get.  I am having back pain and pain down the backs of both legs, although not the really bad sciatic pain.  I feel certain weight gain is part of the problem.  I am planning to go low carb, for the most part, although I will eat fruit and most any kind of vegetable.  (I figure if God made it, and man didn’t mess with it too much, it must be pretty good for you.)  I had eggs with cheese for breakfast.  I did have my leftovers from yesterday’s meal out yesterday for lunch, which was chicken parmesan (ate the rest of the chicken, but not all of the linguini).  I also had some cuties (oranges).  My main goal today was more water and no sugar and just to try to be more sane with my eating.  As soon as I can get groceries after I get paid next week, I can do better.  I don’t want to attempt anything too drastic, because I have not been sticking to that and doing something is better than giving up and doing nothing.

Stephanie is probably about ready to bingo (go to the hospital with another intestinal obstruction).  They had her swallow this big pill and then they were going to x-ray her within 36 hours to see if it was still in her system.  She was in so much pain, they went with the x-ray.  It is already stuck, but it will dissolve.  It is up to the surgeon what they will do – wait, or go ahead with surgery.  But I can’t continue to let this trip me up, since it seems to be an ongoing thing in my life.

I do feel “stronger” than I have in a few weeks.  Hopefully I can put some more successful days together and get on a better track.
Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Depression and Checking In

I’ve started a number of posts and never get them posted. Depression can be a powerful thing, and that’s where I’ve been. I’m not sure what brought it on, but it both causes and perpetuates my struggle. Being depressed has made me not feel like doing anything, and not doing anything has added to my depression. I at least know enough to know I need a little help right now. I got started back on my antidepressant last week. When I am doing other things that make me feel better, like exercise and eating better, I don’t need the antidepressant, but I am having difficulty getting myself to do those things with the level of depression I am dealing with right now, so I need the boost. I have noticed the last couple of days that the desire for emotional eating is decreasing a little. I can have a thought of wanting something undesirable to eat and then realize I would rather make a little better choice. Hopefully that will continue to strengthen. Just wanted to let you know I am still here. I know I will get going again. I’m just not there yet. Still struggling with some pain issues. The biggest issue is the headaches. They are back with a vengeance. Always related to neck tension, but I don’t know why I struggle with it sometimes and don’t as much at other times. I know massage therapy was helping, but I don’t have the funds to do that right now. I am trying to stretch semi-regularly and work on posture and position. I set off a rather severe bout of sciatica last week by doing something stupid (lifting heavy weight) weekend before last. As I babied it the following week, it eventually settled back down. I did something else this past weekend that was less than desirable (played “Top Golf”), so it is kind of “twinge-y” right now. I’m going to have to be smarter. Never has it been as bad as it was before surgery, but I still have to be careful. We are still in a waiting game with Stephanie (seems to have another obstruction building). She feels constantly nauseous and every few days will feel like this will be the day that she has to go back to the ER, but it hasn’t happened thus far. Bless her heart. There are other things going on that have been part of the depression, but I’ll leave those unsaid. Just things I have to work through. I know I will get back on track. But as I said, I’m not there yet.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hanging On and Still In the Fight

I have started other posts in the last few days and never finished them. I am doing better, at least in one respect. I have managed to stay away from sweets for the last 5 days. And that is the only “rule” I have given myself, for now. While getting off of sugar again, if I have needed to eat something else that is less than optimal, I gave myself permission to do that. I have eaten way more bread than I should, but at this stage, I am okay with that. I say that – I would like to immediately get my weight down to where it was, but when I was trying to be really restrictive, I wasn’t doing so well. So I decided, first things first. And first was getting away from eating sweets. Today I think I am going to give myself a second rule. Whatever I eat, it must be at mealtime. So for breakfast, I ate toast with peanut butter and a banana. That needs to be all until lunch. That will help get my portions under better control. I have been struggling with pain issues the last few days. The main thing has been my head. Ever since my cervical fusion surgery, every once in a while I have this issue with my throat spasming. I used to call them “hardware headaches” because it feels like I can feel the plate they put in my neck for the fusion. But I finally figured out it is muscle spasm in that area. It’s an uncomfortable situation in the throat, but the worst thing is it triggers very bad headaches for me. It also makes my chest hurt, for some reason. I did some reading online and it definitely is connected with the fusion surgery – I read about other people who struggle with it. The solution to it seems to be muscle relaxants and avoiding stress, etc. I had been out of muscle relaxants and finally got my refill yesterday. But I’m still struggling with it today. Probably it will take a little bit to make it completely calm down. I am also having all-over pain that is not related to my back. I am betting all the carbs is causing inflammation and that is part of it. Or fibromyalgia. I’m thinking about talking to the doctor about getting on Lyrica. Does anyone have any experience with Lyrica? I’m kind of frustrated with all this. I have struggled with headaches for more than 20 years. They are definitely neck and tension related. I have done many things to get in control over them, and sometimes am successful. But it seems like I have to work very hard just to feel decent. Why can’t I just go through my day, doing my job day after day, without having to worry about all this muscle tension, etc.? I’m very weary of fighting it all the time. If I could just get my life to settle down…. Speaking of which, my daughter (who has now had three intestinal obstructions in the last year and a half or so), had what we thought was a stomach virus last week. She finally went to the doctor Friday because she was still not able to work. They told her they didn’t think it was a virus, they thought an obstruction was building again. I really try to not let get stress get to me, but it seems there is always a lot of it. She is still feeling nauseous and in pain, but went back to work – she doesn’t want to lose another job. But we are kind of in a waiting game. I did do something yesterday in an effort to stand up for myself better than I usually do. I’m not going to say what it is, because my sisters read my blog and, well, I just don’t want to say. It is kid-related. But I said no and I explained why and they accepted it and didn’t say anything else. For now. I am sure I will be hit with it again after a while. The “old me” usually gives in. I didn’t do perfectly this morning about not snacking. I kept getting into the peanut butter, but finally made myself quit. For lunch I had a leftover piece of bacon-wrapped sausage with some Trader Joe’s Sweet Potato Bisque. I was not that fond of the soup. I thought it needed some jazzing up. I will try adding some spices to it. I only ate a little of it, and instead, ate another piece of toast with peanut butter. Trying to stay out of the peanut butter this afternoon. I’m dragging this afternoon, from the muscle relaxant – although I guess that is better than a pounding headache. Still have a slightly less than moderate one, but it’s better anyway. I’m going to get this posted. I’m just trying to hang on. I keep telling myself that just because I have had this few weeks of being off of any kind of plan, it doesn’t mean I have given up and gone back to my old ways. I’m struggling, and I am sure will always have to struggle. But I’m still in the fight.