I wrote most of this on Thursday, but didn't get it posted. If the day and order of things doesn't make sense to you, that's probably why. :)
It's amazing the advice you get when you are in a situation like mine. And I am not complaining about it, really.
My sister hopes I have surgery as soon as possible because she is worried about damage to the spinal cord. I feel the same way, unless something lets up soon. I sent an e-mail to my bosses and supervisors about my doctor's appointment and told them my status. For one thing, I feel I need to stay off my feet as much as possible if I am to get through my work days. One boss replied with some weight loss suggestions. I really do not resent that. I have worked for him for over 20 years and I know he means well. He was talking about fast weight loss, which is what I need right now. He had read an article on fasting and is going to get it for me. At the same time, I have now lost 81 pounds, so I think I have proved I know how to lose weight. It is usually not the "knowing how" that is the problem. It is keeping yourself doing what you need to do in the long-term to make it happen, and then to keep the weight off that is the hard part.
I've been doing a little reading on the kind of back surgery I would have to have, if I did. I want to be fully informed about my decision. But I got to thinking what it might be like to not live in this much pain all the time. What could I achieve if I didn't constantly have to deal with the pain? Everything I read about it says that the objective of this kind of surgery is to reduce pain; you don't expect to be pain free. And I am okay with that. I have been living with a lot of pain for many years, whether it was the headaches, the neck problem or the lower back problem. I can imagine that with successful surgery, and significant weight loss, I would feel infinitely better than I have in years. Incidentally, the headaches have been better for quite a while. I have had them a little the last week because sleeping on the chaise lounge makes my neck stiffer than sleeping on the bed, but they are nothing like the constant thing I was having a few months ago. I pray that that continues.
I have one advantage in researching this kind of surgery. My daughter had this exact surgery in 2011. She had some setbacks because of a fall early on, but the recovery was not bad. She said that without the fall, I could probably be back to work, at least on a modified basis, in 2-3 weeks. It would take a lot longer to get back to full workouts, but I can't do that now, so that is no big deal.
Friday's thoughts: I was just reading a blog about beginning exercise. That's really where I am -- a beginner. And I can't even do that. I think maybe it is time for surgery. There has to be a better life without all this pain. :(
I have had so many thoughts going through my head today. One thing on my mind is the black tie event my boss invited me to on Saturday. I almost bowed out, because of my back. But my friend -- the other non-attorney who is invited -- really wants me to go. So now my thoughts are on what I will wear. My daughter has a dress that she wore to one of her proms. It pretty much fit me before Christmas, so I'm pretty sure it would now. The thing about it is, it's a halter dress and my arms would be exposed. So I would want to get some kind of shawl to go with it. I've been thinking and planning this Mother of the Bride thing for so long (another really dress-up event), and what I really want to look like, that doing something like this when I don't look like that is messing with my head. Regardless of whether I have lost as much weight as I would like, I am still a beautiful woman and there is no reason to feel that I'm not good enough for this event. My co-worker is a large woman -- larger than me -- so I don't have to feel out of place. Confidence is what really makes a woman beautiful, so I am going to try to be my most beautiful self and enjoy the evening. How often do I get to do something like this? Not very.
I got a check in the mail today which was the refund of my deposit in my old loft. To tell you the truth, I wasn't expecting to get it back. Don't get me wrong -- we worked really hard to get the loft looking good, but these management companies are usually such sticklers, I had written it off that I would not get it back. So, I have some unexpected money. I don't want to spend too much money, but I'm going to make sure I look nice for the evening and have a good time.
My daughter is going to go shop for me today and either get me a different dress on clearance (we are pretty much the same size now, except her boobs are much bigger since I had a breast reduction). But she can get a feel for how it will look by trying it on herself. If I don't get a new dress, I will get an evening shawl to put around my arms. I think my back looks nice, but my arms are very flabby with some loose skin.
I've been on my feet more this morning and I am starting to feel it. :( Better stop that.
I woke up hungry this morning -- like feeling weak. So I had a regular Atkins breakfast of some sausage and eggs. I was still hungry throughout the morning. So, at lunch I had a Potbelly Farmhouse Salad. It seems like forever since I've eaten real food. I think that's because during the holidays I would eat goodies around the office and try to make up for it by skipping meals. Not all the time, but sometimes I would do that. The "real food" tasted good, though. I had to send someone down to get me some food. I hate that -- having to depend on other people to do simple things for me. But I am running low on medication, and the last thing I need is a bad attack to use up what I have. Hopefully my refill will go through before the weekend.
I got up to get something not long after typing this and the pain hit me again. Not as bad as last week, but I'm sure if I continue to walk around, it would. I really hate this.
I managed to stay off my feet enough the rest of the evening to ward off another severe attack. I was extremely hungry all day yesterday and ate a regular Atkins meal for dinner. I continued to be really hungry and I confess I had a couple of tortillas with some queso. But still a very good week.
I again forgot to get this posted, so that brings me to weigh-in. I weighed 243.8 this morning -- 2 pounds down from my former low, but 1.8 pounds up from where I was earlier in the week. I know it has to do more with fluid fluctuation than anything, so I am good with that. I am taking a day off today and back to a more strict diet for next week. I feel like I need to do that as long as I can't get much physical activity. I need to be able to have as much weight off as possible to either feel better or to be able to have surgery.