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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Three Days' Worth

Sunday

It's Sunday evening.  I have so much going through my mind and heart.  I have rarely been more motivated to work on my weight loss efforts.  My daughter, Stephanie, is making wonderful progress in her efforts.  She bought her bridesmaid dress for Bethany's wedding substantially too small.  I personally thought she was pushing the envelope to be able to get into it by March.  She has been working out faithfully the last few weeks and working on her eating, although she has been a little up and down with that.  But obviously she has been doing very well because she almost got the dress zipped tonight.  She comes home and talks about her workouts, I read blogs about people's workouts, and I just want to get out there and get to work.

But I can't.  It is so frustrating to me.  At least my eating is going well and I am making progress.  I am thankful for that, but I want so much to get my workouts going.  I have always not only wanted to lose weight, but I want to be fit.  I want to be an athlete.  My motivation is there right now, but my body is in the way.

I tried to get down on the floor to do a modified plank a little bit ago.  But my arms and shoulders are so sore from sleeping in the chair (definitely feels like a pinched nerve), that I couldn't do it.  I do not think I have a permanent situation going on there, but I think I could be in danger of that if this continues.  Definitely don't want to go there again.  I have a week until the injection, and 10 days after that until a follow-up exam.  If I don't get relief from the injection, I want to schedule surgery immediately.  It will still be quite some time after that before I can do heavy workouts.  But it will be the first step.  In the meantime, I will keep with my eating program, and doing what I can to make progress.

I am going to talk to my doctor later this week about hormone replacement therapy.  I have had two people tell me it has made a difference for them, one of them being my sister.  I know there is negative press about HRT, but my sister said that her doctor told her that the research on this is faulty.  The other person said the same thing.  I think it could help boost my weight loss.  It's been so tough to lose the last couple of years.  Low estrogen levels could be the reason for that.  I have also heard it helps with your energy and with depression.  I think it is worth a try.

That's all for tonight.  I just wanted to get some of my frustration out.

Monday

Someone make it stop!  That’s the way I am feeling today.  That refers to the headaches I am getting because sleeping in the chair is causing issues with my neck and shoulders.  At least the back and leg problem doesn’t bother me often as long as I am sitting.  Not so with the other.  Not only the headache, but every time I reach for something, the sharp pain shoots through my arm, and just the general discomfort of the tightness in my neck and shoulders makes me not feel well.  I may try, once again, to sleep flat on my back in the bed tonight.  If I get nothing else out of the injection, I would be happy to have that relief from then until surgery was done.
 
Eating is going well today.  I was supposed to go to a lunch with my boss and some co-workers, but a couple of people called in sick, so it had to be postponed.  I didn’t bring enough shakes for the day, but hopefully I will get through the afternoon without one for a snack.  If not, I will improvise with something.
 
I feel pretty today.  I am wearing a dress I only got into fairly recently, and am feeling better than ever in it.  I have on my boots which are “wide calf” boots.  Soon the “wide calves” are going to be too wide.  They are somewhat loose.  But I can get through the rest of the winter in them.
 
As the day has gone on, the headache has been relentless.  Nothing helps.  I need to get home and take a muscle relaxant.  I pray that I am able to sleep in the bed tonight.  I can’t take much more of this.  I will have to start taking a muscle relaxant during the day and hope that helps.
 
Tuesday
 

I’m hungry this morning.  I try to listen to my body a little bit when it’s like this.  I did not have my afternoon shake yesterday, and I filled up pretty fast on dinner, so didn’t have a lot then.  I ate some frozen blackberries with a tiny sprinkle of stevia and have plans to have my Atkins chocolate shake this morning.  I also have celery, baby carrots and some dill pickle spears if I need them.  I am hungry enough that it keeps coming to mind that I should eat something a little more substantial.  But maybe I should have my shake before I make that decision.  So I did.
 
I slept in the bed last night, flat, with my knees propped, just like I always did before this episode.  I put the cushion from the chaise I have been sleeping on, on top of my bed to hopefully make it a little softer.  It seemed to work, although it was very hard to get out of bed, it was so high off the ground.  I was having twinges in the back of my thigh at first (but I had been looking all over my room for something my daughter lost, getting down on my knees, and pushing furniture around).  I put the heating pad on the back of my thigh and it settled down.  It took me a while to go to sleep, though.  I have ordered me a mattress topper that I hope will help in the same way and not be so high off the ground.  We will see.  The main reason I am encouraged about this is that, already, my neck and shoulders are feeling a little better.  I had the worst headache all day yesterday and that has been building ever since I have had to be sleeping in the chaise.
 
I got busy after I wrote the first paragraph, so did fine the rest of the morning.  I had my second shake and some raw veggies and dill pickle spears at around 1:00.  I was still a little hungry after that, so ate a banana.  It is 3:30 now and I am still feeling satisfied.  If I get hungry I will drink my shake; if I don’t, I won’t.
 
I’m feeling pretty decent today.  No bad headache and the neck and shoulders feel much better.  And no sciatica, so far.  That often will hit toward the end of the work day.  The longer I am on my feet, the sooner it will hit.  Who knows, though.  Maybe one day it will just stop.
 
I pursued gastric bypass at one time.  My insurance would not cover it, I could not self-pay, and so I gave up (and started losing the weight myself).  I am sooooooooooo glad I did (and that the insurance would not cover it).  I have mentioned it before, but my friend at work had it.  I would not wish what she is going through on my worst enemy.  She says (and tells anyone she knows who is considering it), if she had it to do all over again, she would “get off her ass and exercise.”  She is 5’4” (or less) and weighed 350 pounds or so.  Oh – and she is still larger than me.  And with what my daughter has been through (for a different reason), I hope I never have to have any abdominal surgery.  However, if I were so bad off that I had lost my mobility, I would consider having some form of weight loss surgery.  It would have to be like the lesser of two evils.  I am just so glad I have been able to get this far without it.  I am certainly not critical of those who have had the surgery.  I would just hate to see anyone go through what she has been through.  Not only did she have gastric bypass, but some scar tissue wrapped around her intestine and cut it off, so it eventually died.  They removed 3 or 4 feet in addition to what was removed in the gastric bypass.  The two together have created such a situation with her that is very hard to live with.  She has chronic dumping syndrome, which means she has diarrhea, all day, every day.  They are trying different combinations of diet and exercise to try to manage it, but so far, it is not working.  I won’t go into the details of how having diarrhea all the time would affect you, but you can imagine.  If you think of her, please pray for her.  She has also had five kidney stones in the last few months, so has been dealing with both of those things.  My heart goes out to her.
 
I got home and my daughter had dinner cooked -- Tillapia, roasted broccoli and a few sweet potato "fries" (baked).  I've had a few more carbs today than I usually do (except my off day), but it was all healthy stuff and I am sure is fine.  Then I had some hot chocolate and now I am feeling pretty satisfied.  I need to drink my last bottle of water and I will be good.

The guy I went out with in December has started messaging me the last few days, so I am encouraged about that.  I knew he had some things in his life to deal with and I just waited while he did that.  He still does, but things (in his life) are moving along.  I had hoped he could come to my daughter's wedding -- I would have been proud to be on his arm -- but that is not a good time for him to get away from his work, so unless something changes, he will not be coming.  I thought about looking for another "plus one" just to have someone on my arm when my ex is there, but that does not appeal to me.  I am just fine by myself and my heart would not be in that at all.  I'm not into having a man just to have one.  I will be plenty confident on my own.  My ex is the one, during our marriage, who said if something happened to me, he would never remarry (the implication was that he would never want to go through THAT again).  I said I didn't know if I would or not, and his reply was, "Oh you will, in no time" (implying that I was the one who just had to have somebody).  He got married again less than 2 years after our divorce and it has been 10 years since we split up.  So who was more of what he accused me of?  If I ever do it again (and I hope I do), I will make darned sure it is the right kind of man this time.
 
That's is for tonight.  Over and out.

1 comment:

  1. A co-worker I worked with had gastric bypass surgery and she still eats the same shit, it just takes her longer to eat it. It may take her 2 hours to eat a bowl of Chinese food, but she eventually gets through it - nothing about her behavior changed - she has lost 100 pounds, but I've been told that with her kind of surgery, she can get back up to where she was if she doesn't change the way she eats.

    I agree - go to the wedding by yourself and show your ex how strong you are without him - best revenge ever! :D

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