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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

This Has Gone On Too Long

Walking to work was a little rough this morning.  It was more back and knee pain than anything.  Going up stairs has gotten almost impossible, at least with steep ones.  My thighs just do not have the strength to lift me like they used to.  And that was not a problem a couple of months ago.  I am just very tired of this.
This morning I am wanting the comfort of food.  I know food is not really comfort, but that is where my mind is going.  Today is a little different in that I plan to have my main meal at lunch, so hopefully that will help.  The girls both have things to do tonight and won’t be cooking dinner.  When all I have (for the most part) is shakes during the day, I am really hungry when I get home.  I could be pretty dangerous if I got home and had to wait until I cook myself some dinner (and I am usually hurting by that time of day, so being on my feet is not appealing).  So, I have a gift card from Potbelly I haven’t used all of yet, so I’m going to get myself a Farmhouse Chicken Salad for lunch today.
After saying that, I was still wanting comfort.  And I was not wanting a shake.  I went downstairs to get a SF Red Bull (which I am having occasionally these days) because I am dragging so much from not sleeping well and having to take the muscle relaxants every day.  However, I took extra money with me, which means I had it in mind to get something to eat.  What did I end up getting?  A banana, along with the SF Red Bull (the breakfast of champions?).  I ate the banana and did not drink the shake.  I realized that, more than wanting something off my plan, I just wanted something different.  And the banana did it for me.  I learned something:  it is perfectly okay to want something different every once in a while.  I did that without adding any calories to what I had planned.
I have the picture below hanging on the little tack board at the front of my desk.  It motivates me.  But today I momentarily looked at the old me with a bit of distaste.  My thinking these days about “that girl” is usually a little more understanding.  I know what she went through – she lived in abuse for 21 years and took care of everyone but herself.  When someone tells you often that you are disgusting are that they are ashamed to be seen with you, you start to believe it.  I have a little compassion toward her because, once she started getting well on the inside, the old shell started disappearing.  I realized she is strong when she doesn’t have someone tearing her down all the time.  (And she is now strong enough that she will never allow someone to do that to her again.)  So, I can have compassion toward “that girl,” who has now changed so much.
One reason I said all that is because I have always had a very hard time loving and being understanding toward the little girl in the first picture below.  That is me in the 6th grade.  Every time I thought of this picture through the years, I have just hated that little girl.  Unforgiveness toward myself has always been a big problem for me.  I am my own worst critic.  I seem to expect perfection.  I thought of the little girl in this picture this morning and wondered why I cannot look at her with compassion.  So I began trying to do that.  When I say the following, please know I am in no way saying I grew up in an abusive environment.  I did not.  This little girl came into the world feeling like she better not make any trouble or people wouldn’t want to have her around.  Subconsciously, there was always this fear of doing the wrong thing.  I was always a pretty well-behaved child, but my feelings about that caused me to go to food for comfort.  And I think the shell of the extra weight was a way of protecting myself.  But mostly it was about feeling like I did not measure up and feeling like I had to earn my right to BE.  That’s a pretty heavy load for a kid to carry.  I am beginning to be able to look back at that little girl and be more understanding.  No, I did not grow up in an abusive home, but there were things that little girl needed that she didn’t get.  I am not blaming my parents.  I understand the situation they were in (as an adult) and I know they were doing the best they could.  I am sure my kids could say the same thing about me in some areas.  But that little girl needed reassurance.  She needed someone to show her that she was special, just because she was, not because of anything she did.  I am only saying this to say, I am now beginning to have compassion for that little girl that I have needed for years, and to be able to forgive her for not being what I thought she should be.  I think that is a huge step in my healing progress.  Perhaps it is in yours too?
As the day goes on, I am feeling like one big ball of pain.  The sciatic pain is flaring up on me early in the day today.  I am guessing that is from sleeping in the bed.  My shoulders and arms are still hurting from sleeping in the chaise, although they are beginning to improve.  But they are still hurting  I just want to crawl into my little cave today and not come out.  I don’t have that luxury, though.  My backup, who I talked about in my post yesterday, is home trying to get to feeling better today.  Plus I need to save my days off for if I have surgery, plus I want to take some days off for the wedding.  So I have to plow through today.  It’s not that bad, as long as I am sitting down; it is just wearing on me.
It has worsened this afternoon.  I just need to stay sitting down.  What I often wonder is if part of it is knee pain or is it radiating pain.  Today I know it is radiating pain.  And it hurts!  I worry about being able to walk home and I’m not sure I can get a ride.  I’ve been worrying this day would come.  Not actively worrying, but it has been at the back of my mind.  L
Now I know my daughter is going to change her schedule so she can pick me up.  Bless her.  I am hurting in ways I haven’t hurt before and it is concerning.
I got home and did anything I had to do that required being on my feet and have parked myself in the chaise on the heating pad for the night.  Except for getting up to go to the restroom, I have stayed off my feet.  I am still hurting even while sitting.  I put a call in late in the afternoon to my doctor.  Honestly, I have no confidence that the injection will help.  I have had at least four of them before.  I already have to wait until Monday for that, and I don't feel like I can wait the 10 days until my appointment and then however long to get the surgery scheduled.  I need this to move along.  I have a job I have to be at and a wedding coming up.  And I have a life to live.  I feel like this has gone on way too long.

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