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Sunday, November 3, 2013

Deep Thoughts About Unforgiveness

Saturday

I lost .6 this week.  Not what I hoped for, but I'll take it.

Getting ready to go to brunch, so more later.  Should be a busy, but fun day.

I'm back from all my doings.  Had brunch, went to look at bridesmaid dresses (picked them out and ordered them).  Then went to get groceries.  I am totally exhausted.  How do I get so tired from just that much?  I did a lot of walking, but I guess it's good -- some exercise.

I'm watching a movie where they are making cookies and I really started wanting something sweet.  I also wanted some cherry fruit slices, a candy I have always liked, for some reason (pure sugar!).  I was thinking, I will just eat some today and got right back on track tomorrow.  But I remembered, one time is never enough.  Never.  So, one time is too much.  I'm not going there.  At least, these days, when I have temptations, I give them a lot of thought.  I am doing pretty well at reminding myself of my goals and what I really want, despite what I might think I want at any given moment.

No matter what, I want to get up and go to class and church tomorrow.  I'm so glad we get that extra hour tonight, because I feel like I really need it.  Another thing I want to work on between now and the wedding, is I would like to start dating again.  Even if just to get out and have a good time now and then.  And I would like to have an escort at the wedding.  How am I ever going to do that if all I ever do is go to work and home?

Sunday

I thought I posted the above last night, but I guess I didn't, so I will just add to it today.  I warn you that the next part of this post is going to be very real.

I and my daughters had brunch with my cousins yesterday.  They have a unique ministry and, I felt, had some things to share that would benefit Stephanie very much in her struggles.  It is scientifically proven that most diseases have a spiritual, emotional or psychological root.  I believe that to be the case with Stephanie.  What they shared was very pertinent for me too.  It has to do with unforgiveness and bitterness, as well as trauma.  I have come a very long way with my feelings concerning my ex-husband, but I freely admit that I have a ways to go.  They were talking at one point about exchanging "toxic" memories for good ones by empathizing with the one you have unforgiveness against and seeing the reasons behind what they did.  I did this a lot better when the events first occurred.  My husband made some very wild accusations against me and did some very bizarre things to try to prove those accusations.  I know that to do what he did, he had to believe those accusations 100%.  And, as preposterous as the accusations were, if he truly believed they were true, it had to really hurt.  He actually accused me of incest with my son, among other things.  I had several people tell me that for him to believe that of me, he had to either have been seduced by his own mother or felt like he was.  I know from a few things he told me, the latter might be the case.  So I have to realize that things that happened in his own past were at the root of his betrayal of me.  I have to let my heart soften toward him for what he did to me and to our family.  I talk a little more about this in this post.  It is not letting him off the hook for what he did, it is letting myself off the hook from the effects of the unforgiveness in my heart.  No doubt, I was the vitim, but I have to let go and let God deal with my ex-husband.  There are other issues involved with him, including the fact that he pretty much dropped out of my kids' lives and how that has affected them.  During the Holy Season that is coming, I have to find it in my heart to forgive him and release him (and myself) from the bitterness I have had toward him.  I know there are more areas of forgiveness I need to explore with other people.  I am hopeful the release of this unforgiveness will bring healing in my own body.  I know it will bring healing to my soul.  Unforgiveness affects the person who holds it in their heart far more than the one they are holding it against.

That's all for now...I'm off to class and church.

Later

Church was good.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to go sometimes.  I just get tired.  But I need to remember that I get far more out of it than the energy I expend to go.  So many sweet, loving, caring people in my class.  I need to make this a priority every week.

I found out the guy I was interested in getting to know is likely moving to Anchorage, Alaska!  Oh well.  God knows.

I took Cas for a longer walk this afternoon than I have been.  He was being so whiny, and now he has settled down, so I guess that is what he needed.  I feel bad when I don't have enough time and energy for him.  I caught site of myself in the glass as I was walking downtown.  I still have a long way to go.  But I have come very far.  I must keep pushing on.

I'm going to rest a while now and get ready for a busy week.  My goal is five 40-minute workouts this week.

Happy Sunday everyone!

2 comments:

  1. I think that not being able to forgive someone really can lead to all sorts of other issues. My mom has never been able to forgive my dad for things and it has poisoned so many relationships for her. (I know it's not exactly the same as health issues but...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true, Kim. I have really worked on healing in the 9 years since my divorce. I didn't want to poison a new relationship with old baggage.

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