So, I ended up going to the wedding yesterday. My daughter really wanted me to go, so I did. I am glad I did. As it turned out, my ex performed the wedding ceremony. I struggled a little during that because I heard him say so many things during the ceremony about how a man and wife should be, like believing the best of the other person, building them up and not tearing them down, etc., etc., that were comically so untrue about my marriage -- but nothing funny about living through. At first I had determined that I was just not going to look at him during the service. But then I got to thinking -- that is how the old, hurt, wounded Sheryl would act. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am a confident, successful, and not unattractive (okay, beautiful -- I have a hard time saying that) woman. I left my marriage to protect myself and my children. There is nothing to be ashamed of there. I did none of the things he accused me of, and to have my head down and not look at him did nothing to portray that. I got to thinking that the woman I want to be -- the woman that I am -- would be gracious, confident, and not bitter. So I held my head up, looked him in the eye, and smiled appropriately -- not at him, but at the wedding of my niece and her new husband. It felt so good.
It turns out, he didn't even recognize me or his own daughter until late in the evening (that shows you what kind of guy he is). His wife knew who I was when I walked in the door -- she said I looked really different, so it took her a minute (yeah, I'm 70 pounds lighter and my hair is much different and I haven't aged a bit), but she recognized me. My daughter's boyfriend, who went with us, said she watched me all through the reception. Funny, my husband used to accuse me of doing that. Stalking his first wife. Obviously wife number three was just as curious about wife number two as I was about wife number one. I know that what she sees does not equate to what she has been told. I am supposed to be the woman who slept with her own son and had multiple affairs because she was such a sex addict. But that was my ex's own sickness that saw those things.
That thing was, I was not trying to ignore him and his wife, nor was I trying to get them to notice me. I truly just did not care. I was happy to see the people that were my family for over 20 years and they were happy to see me. My father-in-law hugged me multiple times and told me he loved me. And I was very honest with them about why I filed for divorce. It doesn't seem like he believes my ex's accusations. I felt at rest, confident, and -- just like me. He no longer has the effect on me he did before. Victory!
I did eat some carbs yesterday. I ate the peach yesterday morning and later had some popcorn. Popcorn actually is pretty low net carbs. A serving has 10 carbs, but 5 grams of fiber, so net carbs are 5. The popcorn kind of messed with my tummy for a bit. I didn't really eat lunch, except for the last of the smoked sausage, which was about a 2-inch piece. I did eat some sugar free chocolate pecan clusters. Then I didn't eat until dinner after the wedding. I had a salad, grilled chicken with a kind of cheese sauce on it, some cheesy mashed potatoes and some green beans. They also put a roll (white flour) on my plate, but I didn't eat it. I was fine with that and the only other thing I ate was a few pistachios on the way home. So my carb day was not excessive at all. My weight was down a little more this morning.
I am finding that if I really pay attention to it, I am not that hungry these days. I want to eat, but my stomach is not really hungry. So I am going to try to pay more attention to that. I need to eat a little less to get past this hump.
For breakfast this morning (I was still low on groceries) I had 3 scrambled eggs with some feta cheese and a little Sriracha on top. I went to the grocery store late morning and when I got home ate some almonds. It is now 3:30 and that is all I have eaten so far. I'm still not stomach hungry. So I will wait.
So, it looks like my daughter will definitely be getting married, probably in May or the summer. They started dating the end of April, so they will have been together for over a year by then. He showed me a picture of the ring he bought for her. He is taking her to a fancy dinner in a couple of weekends (or maybe it is this coming weekend) -- a place she has been wanting to go to, so she can have another place to wear the dress she wore last night (which he bought for her to wear to the wedding). I don't think she is expecting him to ask until the cruise they are going on with his family in January, so she will probably be a little surprised, although they both talk openly about getting married (to me, anyway). Anyway, I need to be ready by May. My niece's mother looked so beautiful for her daughter's wedding. I would love to have a beautiful dress like that and look good in it. I just know I want to look as good as I can. I have to start picking up the workouts. My ex didn't recognize me for quite a while last night, and I want it to be even a bigger difference at the wedding.
Incidentally, he will not be walking my daughter down the aisle. I imagine that will be a rude awakening to him, but he has done nothing to be a father to her the last few years and she does not consider him her true father. My son is going to walk her down the aisle. My ex will get an invitation to the wedding, and that's it.
I don't want to be stalled out another few months on my weight loss. I must do what it will take to get past this hump, this very week. So I am going to eat only when stomach hungry. I need to have available appropriate things when I am at work and when I work late. But I only want to eat them when my stomach is hungry. That is the goal this week. And to get in at least 3 workouts. I really want to do more workouts than that, but that is the minimum I am setting for myself. I need to work on toning so I can look good come May. This is it. I don't want this to keep dragging on so slowly.
What I do see, though, is how much I have changed on the inside. And that is very, very important. I'll never change on the outside, permanently, if I haven't changed on the inside. I feel good. And ready to get on with this.
Over and out.