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Thursday, October 31, 2013

Feeling Positive and On a Good Track

I pretty much had myself talked out of a workout this morning. My head was hurting; my body was hurting; and I was tired. But I got to thinking about my goal that motivates me, and the pictures I printed out to illustrate that goal, and I know that to get anywhere close to where I want to be by March, I am going to have to work out more.  I also thought about my statement that I wanted to get below 245 this weigh-in.  That could happen, but I'm certainly not there yet.  So, 40 minutes on the recumbent bike, 7.59 miles, all the while doing my arm work with 5-pound weights.  That is probably kind of slow, but with the arm work, it is a very good workout.  I turned my toes in to isolate the inner leg muscles again.  That is so much more challenging that I couldn't do that on the last 11R interval.

As I was preparing to work out, Joyce Meyer's definition of discipline came to mind:  "Discipline is doing what you don't want to do in order to have the things you say you want to have."  That is definitely where I was this morning.  I hung up all the pictures of the Mother-of-the-Bride dresses I saved.  Seeing these motivates me.  And you know what?  After my workout, my head was not hurting anymore and my body was not hurting anymore.  Just do it.

I did use the night guard last night.  I think it helped a little.  I didn't wake up with a headache, but I had one after I had been up a few minutes.  Hopefully it will gradually help.  My jaws don't feel quite as pinched as they did.

If you caught that, Bethany has moved her wedding up to March.  It is all about venue.  She can't get the place she likes and that is affordable in May.  Tom's parents will be out of the country in April.  The next opening after May was July, and we would all be melting then, since she is having an outdoor wedding.  I can't convince her to wait until September (and we still might be melting, even then).  I am just concerned about her being able to pull it together by March, and there is the question of finances.  But I have to work like it is going to happen in March.

Clothes are getting looser, it seems like every day.  It's just that when I put on something I may not have worn in a couple of weeks, I can tell a difference from the last time I wore it.  I did break down and order me some things yesterday.  As I said, I needed to fill in some gaps with what I already have waiting for me.  I needed either a brown cardigan or jacket to go with some of the short-sleeved tops I mentioned yesterday.  I found a cardigan for $17.99, so ordered it.  I will also not have as many pairs of pants once the ones I am in are too big (some of them pretty much are already), and there is one outfit I am planning that needed navy pants, so I ordered those and I ordered some kind of buff colored ones, since my off-white ones are pretty much hanging on me now.  Some tops just need a lighter colored pair of pants.  I have some khakis, but the style of them makes them not go with just anything.  I have some khakis waiting for me, but they are some pretty small 16s, so it will be a while for those.  I ordered these in size 16W from JC Penney.  I know this doesn't sound very thrifty, but I do not have the time to go searching at second-hand shops and garage sales, hoping to find exactly what I need, and it is important that I dress fairly professionally on my job.  I don't mind wearing things until they are pretty big, so I will be able to wear these a while.  I can't think of much anything else I will need once I get into all the things in the bins in my closet.  There are a ton of 14/16 blouses, so I will have a wide variety pretty soon.  If I keep working hard.  I don't want to drag on for months like I have been in the last year.

It occurs to me that I am way overdue to post pictures.  It's tough to get decent ones when you live by yourself.  I will have to remember to get my daughters to help me this weekend and see if I can get some posted.  I'm interested to see the difference too.  The last detailed pictures I posted were in June 2012 (!).  I wasn't sure the difference of where I was then and where I am now, but looking back, it's about 35 pounds.  I have had some ups and downs during that time period, that's for sure.

This is why I am liking Atkins.  I feel like it is something I can live with, with the one day off a week.  I can keep doing this forever, if I had too.  Eventually, I will up my carb intake a little on a daily basis to include some things like fruit and a sweet potato, etc.  But for now, I am happy like things are.  It's what works for me for the long-term that is the important thing.

Even though there are some not-so-good things going on in my life, I am feeling very upbeat and excited about my journey.

Have I mentioned that I quit taking my antidepressant?  It seemed to be causing some weird side effects when taken while I am on pain meds.  Some reading I did seemed to indicate this to be the case, even though I never read why.  So I decided to quit taking them.  Thankfully, I have not had severe side effects for discontinuing.  At least it is one less expense.  And I am feeling very positive about my life and on a good track.  I knew it was temporary and I hoped it would just help me get going.  It seemed to help me do that.

I ate more for breakfast than I usually do -- I had a 3-egg omelet instead of 2, and I had 2 small meatballs before my workout.  I was feeling kind of empty.  All I had during the day at work was a side salad from Chick-Fil-A.  I got slightly hungry this afternoon, but not much at all.  I got off on time and dinner was 2 ground sirloin patties and a small salad.  I think that will do it for tonight.  I don't want to add any more calories.  I really want to keep moving on my weight loss.

That's all for today.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

This is Fun

Whew!!  A good, hard workout this morning!  40 minutes on the recumbent bike, intervals of 6R and 11R, doing weights with the arms while pedaling.  On the 11R intervals, I turned my toes inward to isolate the inner calves and thighs.  I was really feeling that by the end -- it made it much tougher because I am weak in those muscles.  Not only am I trying to strengthen those muscles, but I am also hopefully reshaping the inner calf to give my legs more shape.  They already have decent shape, but I want to enhance that inner-calf muscle.  As I have said before, doing the arm work along with the recumbent bike really makes the time pass faster.  Feels good!!

I also did some ab exercises this morning -- crunches, leg lifts and oblique crunches (whatever they are called).  I can't do very many yet, but you have to start somewhere.  I am sore from the ones I did Monday, so I must be doing something right.

I woke up with a headache again.  I had taken some medicine around 4:00, but I still had a headache.  I took some Anacin and half a muscle relaxant right when I got up to see if I could head it off before time to work out, and it did ease up.  I need to be using that mouth guard I bought, even though I don't like it.  I have this underlying awareness that I am gritting my teeth at night.  I can tell by the way my jaws feel.  (Sure wish I could stop that!)

It's a rainy morning, so no walking the dog.  I am making good time getting things done this morning.

My eating is going very well this week.  I want to keep it that way.  I would love to drop below 245 by weigh-in day.

I thinned out some clothes in my closet that have gotten too big for me.  I pulled a few blouses I am just getting into out of the bins in my closet.  Trouble is, they are all short-sleeved.  I will have to wear a sweater or jacket with them in the cold weather.  I don't really want to buy new clothes that I am hopefully just passing through, but I likely will have to fill in the gaps a little.

I am wearing one of the blouses I pulled out this morning, and paired it with a denim jacket I have.  I am liking this outfit.  This is one of those days "I feel pretty."  Don't you love those days?

Taking into account what I wrote yesterday about not getting quite full enough at breakfast, I ate a little more this morning (a couple of leftover meatballs -- they are small).  I brought a package of almonds for later.  I still wanted to get into those almonds before the time I had planned to.  I think it was just because they were there.  So I was trying not to do that, just out of principle.  I held out until after 11:00 and then ate my almonds.  I ate a side salad at lunchtime, and that did me for the rest of the afternoon.  I am staying quite satisfied these days.

I got off on time again.  Yay!  Dinner was the last of the leftover stuffed peppers and some homemade ice cream sweetened with Stevia.  That's all I need for today.

I'm going to do some more looking in the bins to see what else I can wear now.  This is fun.  :)  How long have I been waiting to do this?

Good night all.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Wishing for a "Normal" Life

My longing for a more "normal" life increases every day.  But alas, it is not meant to be -- at least, not yet.

My daughter has been seeing a specialist since her last surgery (which I think was the end of July), to try to find out more specifics of why these obstructions keep happening and if anything can be done about it.  They have run a number of tests.  One thing they have found is that her indicators for inflammation are very high.  They did a test last Thursday called an MRE, which is basically like an MRI, except for your digestive system.  They gave her an injection of some sort to slow down her system for the test and then she had to drink the usual contrast solution.  She said she felt okay when she left from the test, but later in the day started throwing up.  She vomited numerous times that evening and did not feel well.  She did not go to work on Friday.  She was feeling a little better by Sunday, but then started feeling like her face was on fire, and Monday like her whole body was on fire.  Plus she has been having nausea and stomach pain.  That is still going on today.  Her employer told her she needed to get a release from the doctor before she came back.  She is trying to do that -- she needs to not lose her job -- but she does not feel well.  Yesterday they told her the results of the MRE.  They found narrowing in her colon, which is indicative of another blockage building.  The significant thing is, this is in her colon; her other obstructions have been in her small intestine (same place each time).  So this is not good news.  They are going to do a colonoscopy to get more information.

I am encouraging Stephanie to really work on her diet, especially to stop eating sugar.  That is the biggest thing I have seen nutrition-wise that increases inflammation.  I know there are others, but for her, that is the big one.  The trouble is, she cannot eat much of anything right now because of her nausea and pain.  In all honesty, I am praying for a miracle.

So, I'm feeling like doing some stress eating today.  I haven't acted on it at this point, but the temptation is there.  I am trying to remember my goals.  (I made it through, and did not act on it -- yay!)

Did I mention that yesterday I wore a pair of 16 pants to work?  They weren't the fit I would buy, but since I already have them and am losing, I don't mind wearing them a little tighter than I normally would.  The only thing that bothered me about them was I would like them to be a little longer.  They will get longer as they get looser.  I'm going to have to be breaking out the first batch of clothes from my clothing bins very soon.  :)

I have noticed with my eating that if I don't get to the right level of fullness after being hungry, then I keep wanting to eat.  But if I eat just a little more, then I am good for quite a long time.  For instance, if when I eat breakfast, I don't get quite full enough, then I am thinking about eating again right when I get to work.  I end up eating something I have planned for later, and then I get satisfied.  But then I am satisfied long enough to not need that thing I ate early at the time I actually planned it.  Does that make sense?  So, if I eat breakfast, don't get quite full, then eat the nuts I had planned for later in the morning, I am full enough until dinner.

Breakfast this morning was an omelet with some chorizo mixed in, topped with cheese.  It was really good, but like I said above, I was still a little hungry when I got to work.  I had brought some almonds for later, and had those at around 9:30 or so.  I had planned to have the almonds and some salad at lunchtime, so just had the salad at lunch.  If it goes like it has been, I will be fine until dinnertime.  (It was!  In fact, I worked until 8:15 and was fine until I got home.  A little hungry at one point, but it passed quickly.)

I have noticed that one thing I have not been saying as much lately is that I am tired and sleepy at work.  That is probably because there has been so much to do that I don't have time to get sleepy, but I do think that has improved a little, especially with as many hours as I have been working.  I am feeling that way a little today and felt the need for a little caffeine.  I don't have caffeine any more, most days.

I did my ab and upper back/shoulders exercises last night.  I hope I get off at a reasonable time tonight, because I didn't work out this morning.  My head felt like it was going to crack open.  I sure do need to push through those times.  :(

Since I did not get off until later, no workout tonight.  I think I might add 10 minutes to each of the rest of my morning workouts to make up for it and still get the same amount of time done.

My boss has already told me that he will be in late tomorrow and then he is leaving at 5:00.  So tomorrow should be an "easy" day, if there is such a thing.  I would love to be able to get two workouts done tomorrow, but if I just get one, I am okay with that.

Dinner was leftover low-carb stuffed peppers.  This were sooooo good.  Probably being good and hungry was one reason, but I think they were better than when I first cooked them.  I definitely will be making these again.  I need to eat more -- I will be too hungry if I don't.  I'll probably make a little salad.

That's it for tonight.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Motivating Myself

Sunday Evening

I had a really hard time going to sleep last night.  It was good things I was thinking about (the wedding, etc.), but I couldn't turn my mind off.  Bethany looked so beautiful in that dress and to see my baby like that was so moving.  I didn't want to cry -- I just kept saying, "Oh my goodness," etc.  She really did take my breath away.  I always knew she was beautiful.  She lost around 50 pounds last year, and has only become more beautiful.


Yesterday was a busy day.  I left home at around Noon and got home at around 7:00 p.m. and was on my feet a good part of the time.  By bedtime, I was pretty exhausted.  But I couldn't go to sleep.  I was still awake at 2:00 and awake again at 3:00, etc.  That, along with my loft still needing a lot of attention from working so much the last couple of weeks, brought me to the decision to stay home today.  I can't go into another marathon week being tired, and having things a mess creates more stress.  So I didn't go anywhere today.

I got the loft back in decent shape and that feels good.  I think for many, many years, I questioned whether I was capable of keeping a clean house.  I would feel so overwhelmed that I would give up.  But the last few weeks before I got so busy at work, I maintained things pretty well and I realized, especially with it just being me and my pets to look after, I can do this.  And I wanted to do this.  I feel so much better when things are reasonably clean and tidy.  So I am feeling infinitely better about that part of my life.

Now I need to really zone in and get my act together on working out.  I confess that my motivation for that is not really high at this moment.  But you know what?  You don't have to be motivated to do it.  What's the saying?  "Just do it."  That's where I have to get my mind.  And, if things go like they have in the past, once I get going, the motivation builds and I get pretty "addicted" to it.  I truly hope that as I get my weight down more and more, that my pain levels will drop.  I want to be able to do so much more than I am now.  Sometimes I think, if I knew without a doubt that I will feel significantly better by having surgery, I would do it.  But if I can feel significantly better just by losing weight, I want to do it that way.  I just want to be able to be active.

I looked up and it is after 10:00, so I'd better hit the hay.  I need to get up and work out in the morning.  More tomorrow.


I slept reasonably well last night.  I did wake up with a headache and that always messes with my motivation to work out.  However, I never entertained the thought of not doing it and got my workout done.  Actually, as I got going, my headache subsided.  I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, doing arm work with 5 pound dumbbells while I pedaled.  I like doing that because the time is gone before I know it.  I'm going to do a little more this evening, doing some exercises that work my upper back and do some ab work.  Those are all areas I want to be toned by the time of the wedding.  I would also like to do some more calorie burning.  We'll have to see how this work day goes.


Jerry came in and said he wanted to leave by 5:30 today.  I have learned not to count on that, but I am hopeful I will get to leave on time today.  He said he was tired after today's hearing, and I know he has to be.  I am sure he prepared over the weekend, in addition to all the hours we worked last week.

I had a massage appointment today.  She did this one thing with my arms that really hurt.  I told her that I was having some pain when I do certain movements with my arms that felt like it did before I had surgery on my neck (only on the other side and not nearly as bad).  She said that since my arms are always reaching forward, that I have holding patterns that when broken down, cause pain and soreness.  The fact that I hurt does not mean that I am doing something wrong, but that I am doing something out of the ordinary.  For instance, if I raise my arms up above my head when I am sleeping (which I have a tendency to do), my shoulders get sore, so I have been making a point of keeping my arms down.  It has helped.  But she said I need to challenge those holding patterns.  What I am wondering is, is that always what it is?  Because I feel like I did when I had a pinched nerve all the time in my neck.  Trust me, I don't want that to be what is wrong; that is just what it feels like.  I guess, even if it were a pinched nerve, I am not going to injure it by doing these movements.  It may not help, but I will never know until I do it.  She did say that reaching my arms overhead and behind me does take pressure off my neck, so maybe it will help.

She also had me lay for five minutes with a pillow under my lower back.  That really hurts.  But it is the same kind of thing.  My body is so accustomed to bending forward at that area (by sitting all the time, etc.), and you have to stretch everything back the other way to counter the holding patterns you develop and stretch the muscles and connective tissue in the other direction.  When you sit all the time, the muscles in front get shorter and tighter and the ones in back get longer and tighter.  You have to counter what is being done when you sit as much as I do because of my job.

I'm curious -- some of you who have an office job like me -- sit and clasp your arms behind your back (not overhead, just behind you) and sit that way for a bit.  Does it hurt?  Of course, if you are not as old as I am, it won't have the same effect.  But I am just curious how it affects other people.  It is quite painful for me.  I asked two other girls at work who are about my age -- no pain for them.

Breakfast this morning was some scrambled eggs with a little grated cheese and 2 sausage patties.  I was pretty hungry this morning, since I basically went to bed hungry, so this did not hold me.  I had bought some nuts to have later in the day, and ate them pretty early in the day.  When I checked how many calories that was, I realized that I didn't need anything else until dinner.  I got hungry this afternoon, but I waited.  Still have my eye on the prize.  I got off on time!  I had the other serving of pesto and cheese stuffed chicken and some roasted asparagus.  That satisfied me.

Now I'm going to do those shoulder and upper back exercises and ab exercises, as well as some of the stretches my MT has been telling me to do.

I printed out a couple of the Mother-of-the-Bride dresses to keep in view for motivation.  I have no idea what I will look like by then, so these are just to motivate me.  It would be awesome to look good in one of them by then.  Here are a few.  I may post more in the coming days.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Eye On the Prize

I'm watching another episode of Extreme Weight Loss.  Something hit me about what I need to help move my exercise along.  I need a fitness goal to work toward.  Some people train for 5k's, 10k's or marathons, triathlons, etc.  I can't really do that with my physical limitations.  Not only do I have the back and knee problems, but the plantar fasciitis issue is really flaring up right now.

I am not sure how many miles I typically get on my morning recumbent bike workouts.  I will pay attention to that on my next one.  I think one goal will be to get a certain number of miles in a month.  That's the only thing I can think of other than number of workouts.  It's hard to set a goal like that right now with my schedule being the way it has been.  I hope that will settle down a bit after this week, but I don't know what to expect.  I just know I need to get some goals set and challenge myself.

If anyone has any suggestions, taking into account my physical issues, I'd like to hear them.

Looking at dresses yesterday was very motivating.  I really want to make a big statement at my daughter's wedding.  I see the plus size mother-of-the-bride dresses, and they are pretty -- some are just bigger sizes of the ones I really like -- but I don't want to look like the plus-size pictures I have seen of them.

I put on a size 16 pair of pants yesterday and they fit!  So I think a size 12 is well within reach, if not a 10.  But I will have to work hard.  That is a 16 women's size, not a 16 misses size -- there is a difference.

Lunch today was some Italian meatballs.   You can buy them uncooked in the meat section -- they are already seasoned and shaped.  I had a salad with the meatballs.  For dinner I made some low carb stuffed peppers.   They were good!  I had dinner a little early and was feeling kind of snacky later in the evening, but didn't have anything in the house that was really appealing to me.  I could have gone to CVS and gotten some nuts or something, but I keep thinking about being Mother of the Bride.  I'll be okay without adding any more calories to my day.  I need to just drink down water, which I haven't been doing enough of.  Just trying to keep my eye on the prize.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Wedding Dress Shopping

No weight loss this week.  At least none showing up on the scale.  I know I am losing because clothes are beginning to hang on me.  Here is an example.  Last night, my daughter came to my building at work to get the keys to my loft.  It was after hours, so she had to wait at the security desk while I brought them down to her.  As I was walking from the elevator to where she was, she said it took her a minute to realize it was me.  I had not seen her for two weeks.  She said there was a lot of difference just in those two weeks.

I think today is going to be a true day off, although I will not be eating sugar.  I'm going to try this sandwich shop I heard about, and this evening I am going to a cookout with my Sunday school class.  I didn't eat much on average this week.  I am not planning to eat a lot of volume; I'm just not going to worry about carbs today.  One problem, though, is my tummy is not happy when I eat carbs these days.  I ate some frozen peaches and some SF chocolate this morning, and my stomach had a fairly quick reaction.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

I'm going with my daughter today to look at wedding dresses!  :)  I can't be too tired for that!  She said she just wants to look at what's there -- she's not ready to buy one yet.  I will do a little looking at mother of the bride dresses while I am there, just to get some ideas.

Well, we ended up buying a wedding dress.  Bethany took my breath away.  I can't post pictures, because I don't want family to see them before the big day,  I can't imagine missing a day like today.

That took so long that I did not go to the cookout (unfortunately).  I really need to be going to these things, but today was a special day and I certainly couldn't miss it.  My daughter is going to be a beautiful bride.  When she put on that dress, everyone in the place was standing around with their mouths open.  No kidding.

That's it for today.

Friday, October 25, 2013

End of a Long Week

Today is not quite so hectic (so far).  Boss had two hearings this morning, so is out for now.  I've had a chance to shovel through my desk a little.

I was lying there reading before going to sleep last night and started getting a sharp pain in my toe.  For some reason, I started thinking about gout and hoping that was not what it was.  I don't believe it is -- I think it is radiating nerve pain.  But I did a little reading on gout and the fact that I eat probably more meat than a lot of people and am taking a diuretic did give me pause.  I need to see how my BP is doing and maybe discontinue the diuretics if it is under better control.  That will likely mean a little weight gain, but I will have to remember that that is not fat gain, just fluid.  But really, I don't eat that much meat.  My protein comes from a lot of different sources.  Other than the pain in the toe last night, I have no other symptoms, and I know, without doubt, that I have radiating pain from back problems.

I will have a good paycheck next week, that's for sure.  I don't know what to expect for tonight.  I do know that Jerry's wife is out of town, which means she doesn't have plans for them, so it is more likely he will work late.

I got up and made the pesto and cheese-stuffed chicken I made last week and brought some with me, so I can get a decent meal in today.  I will get me a side salad from Chick-Fil-A and that will make a nice meal.  Incidentally, I love their salads, and I love their new Avocado Lime Ranch dressing.  I need to make some homemade Avocado Ranch so I don't have the preservatives.  It's pretty yummy!

I had sausage and a cheese omelet for breakfast.  I still felt kind of like I wanted something to eat, but nothing sounded good (except something sweet, which I can't have).  I was not really stomach hungry anyway.  So I never did eat anything else before lunch.

For lunch today I had a Market Grill Salad from Chick-Fil-A.  I didn't feel like I had time to warm up my chicken and eat it (Jerry had just gotten back from the hearing), so I will eat that this evening, whether at work or at home.  The salad was not altogether appropriate for Atkins (it had some berries and a little apple in it, but not much).  However, although I haven't counted it up, I am pretty sure I had very few carbs yesterday, and I haven't been eating enough carbs a lot of days this week.  So I'm not going to worry about it.

After lunch, the day took off and never stopped.  I left the office at 10:00 p.m.  I'm tired, but not stressed, and tired is so much better than stressed.  My boss did another amazing thing to reinforce how much I love him.  Anyway, I think I got just under 60 hours this week, 55 last week, and 50 something the week before, which will all go on this coming paycheck.  The Office Administrator is going to have a cow.

My daughter's fiancé cooked dinner for me and it was waiting when I got home (they had already left when I got home).  So no chicken tonight.  He made a filet mignon, collard greens, sautéed zucchini and onions, roasted sweet potatoes and cooked carrots.  I couldn't eat the sweet potatoes and the carrots today, so I will have them tomorrow on my carb day.  It was all really good, but I only ate a few bites of the steak, so mostly had the greens and squash.  I didn't want to eat too much this late, with tomorrow being weigh-in day.  And I was just so tired.

My loft is a little cleaner than when I left home this morning, thanks to Bethany and Tom.

It's the end of a long week and I'm ready to chill a while before I go to bed.  Have a great weekend everyone.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Done, Just Done

Goodness, I feel stressed to the max today.  Some of it, I probably should not be dealing with, but it is so hard for me, when one of my kids has a problem that was not their fault, to not help them out with it.

That was this morning.  My day was packed until now, 8:11 p.m., when I finally have a little time to think.  I am done, just done.  Things seem to be coming at me from every side and I just want to crawl in a hole for a little while.  But I don't have that luxury.

I didn't get a real meal today.  Breakfast was bacon.  That's it -- just bacon.  I was going to get some eggs when I got to work, but didn't have a chance.  "Lunch" was some cashews and some celery with cream cheese.  Dinner (so far) was what you would call pulled pork nachos, without the tortilla chips.  I need to do more than that, but I am just too tired.  Maybe I'll make myself a little salad.

I did try to do some deep breathing during the day to try to de-stress.

Biz, concerning your comment on yesterday's post, I DO have a nice boss.  But he does tend to get a blind spot where people's time is concerned.  Like the night my daughter was in the ER beginning at about 5:00 p.m. and he kept me until after midnight and then I had to go meet her there.  And another night I worked until 3:00 in the morning when Steph was in the hospital.  But, in spite of that being an issue sometimes, he makes up for it in so many other ways.  He asks a lot of me, but he gives a lot in return.  And, as you know, this is just part of litigation -- sometimes you have to burn the midnight oil.  There are people who want to get mad at him for me, but most of the time, he treats me very well and I don't feel that way at all.

I need my kids to be more independent.  And I need to talk to them about putting themselves in a place where they can be more independent -- like having money in savings.  At some point, I need to not be called for everything that goes wrong.  One reason I was so stressed this morning was I have been called upon by too many people to help solve their issues.  To come up with an answer.  I am so tired of being the one who is supposed to have all the answers.  Something's got to change.

That's all I've got.  I know it's not very inspiring, but it does help me to be able to talk it out.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Off Before 7:00, Thank the Lord

I'm struggling.  Not so much with my eating -- although a little bit.  Mostly with my schedule and not being able to keep up with things at home, including working out.  I mean, what do you do when you are working 12-14 hour days almost every day?  It's not like I have this store of energy to work from to get up at 5:00 in the morning to work out, when I'm working until 9 and 10 in the evening almost every night, without even taking a lunch or other break.  I got home at almost 9:00 last night, didn't have a real dinner, read and watched TV a little just to unwind, and went to bed.  That's kind of my life right now.

Not only are there work pressures, but there are wedding plans in the works.  We are trying to locate a venue so they can finalize the date.  Finding something available and that she can afford is the tricky part.  That's for Bethany.

Stephanie is concerned about her finances, especially when Bethany gets married, not knowing what her living situation will be.  She is questioning whether she should find a "better" job, but I really feel she needs to stay put and get her first year under her belt.  After that, she is protected by the Family Medical Leave Act, should she have another intestinal blockage.  I just pray that the real estate market picks up so she gets OT and that would help immensely.  I will encourage her to do other things to earn extra money (if she can) and pay off debt so she isn't so restricted.  Both of my daughters work for the same company (different locations), so that would help both.  Another possibility is for her to move up in the company so that her pay increases.  This employer was very understanding during her illness this year and that's something she can't take for granted.

Anyway, this is all a lot to think about.

Work is pretty much non-stop the whole time I am there.  I am SO BUSY.  I guess that's a good problem to have.

I found a pair of size 18 pants in my closet the other day (the had belonged to my daughter).  They are already getting too loose.  I guess that's another good problem to have.  :)

You know, when someone tells you often how "wonderful" you are, it just makes you want to do more things to be more "wonderful."  I'm speaking of my boss.  I just wish my ex-husband had understood that concept.  His view was that I would lose my incentive to change if he complimented me.  So not true.

I was hungry when I got off and ordered bacon wrapped shrimp from Iron Cactus, subbing salad for the rice and beans.  So good.  And Atkins all the way, baby.  Kind of expensive, but my boss has been handing me $20 bills for this and that, so he paid for it.  Anytime I do something non-work related, he does that.  Love that guy.

I just have to hold myself together until this stage of our case gets over.  I've still been tempted to get me some more sugar free candy, but have not.  Knowing I will have to ban it keeps me in balance about it.

I'm going to relax and enjoy a little evening at home, for a change.  Good night.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Workin' Workin'

I'm feeling weak (willed) this morning.  I know it is because of the late night last night, and the fact that I didn't eat as much yesterday.  I am trying to remind myself of my goals and keep with the course.  One thing I am being tempted about is getting some more sugar free candy.  I do not mind allowing myself this indulgence once a week on my carb day, but if I start doing it other days, it will be one more thing I will have to ban.  So I want to keep it in its place.

I woke up hungry and had a bigger breakfast than usual.  I struggled a bit this morning.  It's my friend's birthday (at work) and people have sent and brought her all kinds of goodies -- like warm cookies from Tiff's Treats -- and she is sharing.  It was hard to resist those warm cookies, but I did.  I decided I needed to eat a real lunch today.  I got the Market Grill Salad from Chick-Fil-A.  I didn't know it had some fruit and berries on it.  I was going to pick around those things, but decided, what the heck, I'm going to eat it (it was fresh, not dried, fruits and berries).  It was very little fruit and I can't imagine it having that many carbs.  I did not eat the granola that came with it.  And it's pretty low-calorie.  It tasted good, too.  Hopefully I will be fine until dinner time.  And hopefully I don't have to work late.  We all need a break around here.

Headache has been a little better today, although one is trying to build right now.  Hopefully I caught it in time.

I'm not sure what is up with me, other than I am tired, but I am feeling very emotional.  I was thinking about something this morning that set off a memory of probably the worst day in my life.  It happened to be on a Christmas Eve.  Because of the events of that morning, I became pretty hysterical -- not out of my mind, but so very upset over what was happening in my marriage.  As I was thinking about it, I began to want to weep and I had to snap myself out of that line of thought.  It's just a really bad memory.  And I am so thankful to be nowhere near that situation anymore.  Truly thankful.  A little later, I was checking FB and saw pictures of a young family I am friends with.  They seem like such a great little family, and the parents think the world of each other.  That started making me want to cry.  Then, at work today (and this happens every year), my friend who is having a birthday is being showered with gifts and cards and flowers, etc., etc.  I was kind of laughing about it to another friend, saying, "I must be doing something wrong."  She said something about how it's pretty much that way on her birthday and I must have really crappy kids and family.  She can be just a bit too outspoken sometimes, in my opinion.  I DO NOT think I have crappy kids and family.  But her saying that kind of set off my emotions again.  Like I said, I'm probably just burned out.

As it turned out, I worked until near 9:00 p.m.  I was pretty hungry by then, but way too tired to cook and I didn't want to eat that much so late.  I got me some nuts at CVS, but probably ate a little too many of them.  I wish they had had a reasonable size bag for one serving, but they didn't.  But I probably still did okay on calories.

I often say to my myself, "I am sooo tired."  I was thinking this morning that maybe it would help if I change my self-talk.  Instead I should say, "I have energy for everything I need and want to do."  It's not working too well at this moment, lol.  But I do think I need to change that mindset.

That's all I got.  Good night.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Crazy Day

Sunday Evening

I'm sitting here watching Extreme Weight Loss and some things are going through my mind.

First, I'm thinking about a blog post I read today about happiness.  This is what I got out of it.  So much of my thinking is planning and working toward my future happiness.  But I do very little to work on my present happiness.  I'm not even sure I know how to do that.  I need to work on that.  And it's not that I am unhappy.  But would I want to be like I am right now for the rest of my life?  No.  I need to start living.  And most of that has to do with getting out and being with people.  One thing Chris Powell said on this broadcast that hit me was, "Action conquers fear."  And I don't know what it is I am so afraid of.  It is not so much being with people.  It's the thing that I have to be home all the time.  And that if I get out of the house too much, I'm going to be too tired.  But I would rather be tired and actually LIVE my life instead of staying at home and never living.  And hanging around home makes me tired, anyway.  I really want to overcome this reclusive thing.

I was also thinking about my progress and what needs to happen next.  This week, I want to get more consistent with my workouts.  One way or another, I want to get in at least 5 good workouts.  I got 3 last week.  The best way for me to do this is to get one every weekday morning.  So that is the plan.  (As you will see, that isn't how it happened.)

I made a crustless pumpkin pie this evening.  It is sweetened with splenda.  It was pretty good.  It could be a little sweeter, so I will add a little more next time.

Monday Evening

Today was a crazy day!  It's 10:40 and I just got home.  It was push, push, push all day.  I woke up with a headache and didn't work out.  I was hoping I might be able to get one (a workout) this evening, but that certainly didn't happen.  Thank goodness the headache improved -- it wasn't too bad today.

I had bacon and a cheese omelet for breakfast.  My boss bought lunch for those of us pushing on the case and I had a Southwest Chicken Caesar Salad with no tortilla strips.  I had two pieces of bacon and some cheese at around 6:00 and a piece of crustless pumpkin pie when I got home.  That's it.  It's too late to eat much of anything now.  But I'm glad my calories were less today since I didn't work out.  And I'm not really hungry.  I imagine I will be in the morning, though.

I don't know about a workout in the morning either.  I need to get some sleep.  This is just going to be one of those weeks where work is concerned.  I will try to compensate by keeping my calories lower.  Hopefully the rest of the week will be better.

I'm going to bed now.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Quiet Weekend

It's been a quiet weekend.  I am trying to get the headaches under better control, so have kept myself on a muscle relaxant consistently since Saturday.  That means I am sleeping a lot.  I just don't feel like I can take another week like last week.  I'll have to come out of my little hole to go to work tomorrow.

I did go eat at Iron Cactus with my daughter a few minutes ago.  When I ordered my food, I forgot to have them replace the carby stuff with a salad.  I always get the bacon wrapped shrimp there.  However, I did not eat any chips and hot sauce, and I did not eat the rice and beans that came with the entrée.  Asparagus came with my daughter's entrée and she said I could have it so, I ate that.  Bacon-wrapped shrimp on a bed of sautéed peppers and onions, with some grilled asparagus.  Yum!

I don't have much to report.  I overdid on my eating a bit yesterday, but not too bad.  My daughter came over and made some pulled pork taquitos, with a spicy sauce and some guacamole.  I had a few chips with them.  So that was my carby stuff for the day.   It was soooo good.

I don't like being this unproductive on a weekend, but I just need to feel better.  Hopefully this will be a better week.  Back to it tomorrow, regardless.  Over and out.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


I am down to 247 this morning, with a loss of 2.4 this week.  I am very happy about that!!  This is the lowest I have been in quite a number of years.  Now I feel like I am really making progress.

That's all for now -- more later.  I just wanted to report in.  :)

Friday, October 18, 2013


I'm going to have to buy myself another alarm clock.  I ran off and left my phone at work again last night -- sometimes when Jerry tells me I can go, I feel like I need to get going while the gettin's good!  So I didn't gather up things like I should have.  So I had no alarm this morning and slept until almost 7:00.  It wasn't intentional, but that's what happened.  So, no workout today.

Headache is a little better than it has been, but a little worse than yesterday afternoon.  My daughter called and said she felt like the glands near her vocal chords were swollen, she had had an earache and her head has been hurting.  Sounds very familiar!  Maybe I have something that is going around.  And I think when I have swollen glands in that area, it affects me more since I have scar tissue in that area.  I feel it in my throat more.  It feels kind of raw and achy right now.  I hope I get over whatever it is soon.

I was thinking this morning about this guy in my Sunday class I would like to get to know.  That led to thoughts of someday remarrying, the thought of which makes me feel insecure about certain things.  It doesn't really have to do with the way I look or my personality.  It is more certain habits.  I tend to think I am the only one who does things like that and, therefore, maybe I shouldn't try to find a relationship.  In reality, I think I am pretty easy to live with.  This morning I was thinking about things I had not gotten done this week and how a husband might view it.  Hopefully they would be the type to think, "She is working a lot of hours this week and has not been feeling well; I need to help her out!"  After you have lived with a critical person for so many years, you tend to think that's the way it is going to be.  Hopefully I will have the sense this time to not marry someone who would be that way.

For one thing, if I remarry and I am working this job, I am going to hire someone to clean house every week or so.  And I plan to marry someone who is willing to help with things around the house, including the cooking.  Sometimes I worry about my dog.  From what I hear, though, most people with pets have to put up with certain things.  I think I am just reacting like I would have in the past.  It's time to move on from that.

Jerry announced that he would be leaving at 6:45 tonight.  Hopefully that holds true.  I know not to completely count on it, but he likely has plans with his wife and he is careful not to keep her waiting most of the time.  So I won't be getting off on time, but not too bad.  I put down my book last night with four chapters left to go.  I have been wanting to get back to it all day.  Never mind that I have already read the book three times.  :)

I need to put my house back together tomorrow.  It is not horrible, but I will feel better when it is done.  Maintenance -- that is the key!

I really need to get a workout done tomorrow too.  I will plan to go to the gym and get a workout and sit in the sauna for a bit.  My weight has been up a little all week, but I know it is because I am out of BP medicine.  Last night I was really puffy when I got home.  I had worn ankle boots to work and my legs were puffing over the top of them, lol, so I knew I was retaining fluid.  When I weighed this morning, I figured my weight would still be up.  To my surprise, I was down a pound from last Saturday!  Hopefully that will hold true tomorrow.  My eating has gone pretty smoothly all week.  I am looking forward to my off-day tomorrow, though.  My daughter is making this taquito recipe she found, which she said is really good.  And someone was eating something today that made me crave nachos.  Maybe I can do some version of that that wouldn't be too bad.

I got off right at 6:45.  I came home, warmed up my pesto chicken and went right to reading my book.  I finished it by 8:30.  Now I'll start the next one in the series (which I have also already read).  :)  I haven't done a lot of reading in the last few years.

I'm so glad it is Friday.  This week felt long enough to be two!  TGIF!  Weigh-in tomorrow.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Healing Crisis

I didn't do much this morning.  I got up at my usual 5:15, and within minutes, a headache had set in.  I don't know if they are worse or if I am just not coping well.  Usually when I get a spell like this, I take a day off to kind of regroup.  But I can't really do that right now.  I curled up on my bed with the TV on and dozed for another two hours.  At one point, I decided to ice my neck and see if that helped, so a good part of the time I had an ice pack on my neck.  The headache eased some while I was sleeping, but as soon as I am up and around for very long, it is back.  If we were not in the middle of trial prep, I would not be going to work today.

I stopped at CVS on the way to work and bought myself a night guard.  They are expensive!  But it will be worth it if it will help.  I am feeling kind of desperate.

I am out of my muscle relaxants, so had better get those refilled.  I am going to have to take a steady dose of them for a bit.  I haven't had any in a few days.

I am sorry to be talking about my physical struggles so much.  I know it is not very uplifting sometimes, but for those who struggle like I do, maybe reading about my journey will help in some way.  It chronicles what I am going through as I am getting this job done.

I was reading a blog this morning from a person who has decided to put aside her method for trying to lose weight (she was doing Medifast).  She is weary from all the restriction and not getting the results she got "the first time."  She is weary of avoiding all the food groups -- gluten, wheat, dairy, sugar, etc., etc.  I was trying to analyze if I was feeling the same way.  Really, I am not.  My eating feels fairly smooth right now.  I have desires at times, but my higher carb day is helping with that.  I do admit that I did some comfort eating this morning.  I am worn down from the headaches and not feeling well.  What I ate was some sugar free candy.  Could be worse, that is for sure.  My lapse this morning was more emotional than about cravings, although something sweet almost always sounds good.  But it is not the overwhelming craving I have when I am eating sugar and simple carbs.  I actually feel like I could eat this way from here on out.

I was doing some research on inflammation and what foods cause inflammation.  I am really doing pretty well in that department.  The thing I eat most that is on the list is saturated fat.  However, there are mixed messages about that out there.  I thought dairy might be one of the things to avoid, but aside from it having saturated fats, it was not.  It can actually help with inflammation.  I don't know why I am having so many pain issues right now.  Maybe it is that I am releasing toxins, slowly but surely.  I just hope it doesn't last forever.  I do need to increase my consumption of Omega 3's.  That is supposed to help with inflammation and too much Omega 6's can cause more inflammation.  I will see about getting me a supplement.  One of the foods on the Omega 3 list is walnuts, and I eat those fairly regularly.  Another one is salmon.  I don't like salmon that well, but I'm okay with it if it is fresh.  I need to have that once a week, probably, at least.  I do know that I want to feel better.

I also did some reading on what is called "healing crisis".
The medical term for healing crisis is the "Herxheimer Reaction." This occurs when the cells release toxins into circulation but the elimination organs (skin, lungs, liver, kidneys, bladder & GI tract) are not able to eliminate them quickly enough. The toxins remain in circulation and can affect the brain stem region leading to nausea, poor coordination, headaches, fatigue, malaise, fever, etc.
People who are already suffering from major illnesses or are quickly building disease processes may suffer from more extreme reactions. This may explain why someone would have a brief flare-up in their condition. On occasion, the crisis will come after the individual feels at their very best.
The most common symptoms associated with a healing crisis include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, night sweats, hot/cold flashes, increased blood pressure, headaches, joint pain, and fatigue.
Learn more: 
I think this is likely some of what is going on with me.  I need to do more to flush out the toxins.  I have not been doing my liver cleanse the last two weeks, and I should be drinking more water.  Most importantly, I need to not get discouraged.  This is a natural process the body has to go through to undo the damage from all the years of doing the wrong things.

Sometimes these things last two or three days, and sometimes, in extreme cases, much longer.  Here is my experience:  At one point in my life (I was 23), I did a 30-day fast.  The first 10 days were water only, and the rest I drank juices.  That first 10 days, even at 23, I felt so bad.  My joints hurt, I had headaches, I got sores in my mouth, I was exhausted, etc.  That part lasted 7-8 days.  That was with a full fast.  After all those toxins were released, I felt much better than I had in a long time.  So I am not surprised that it is taking a long time when I am not fasting.  I feel sure this is why I am not feeling well and why headaches have increased.  I just need to continue and be good to myself, drink lots of water, etc. and hopefully I will get through the worst part soon.  Just knowing this helps.  It is when you think you are going to be at this level of pain for the rest of your life that makes it difficult to cope.  I have been doing a lot to improve my health lately, and the fact that I am not feeling well is not a sign that I am doing something wrong.  It is more likely a sign that I am doing something right!  I was thinking it might be beneficial to do some sessions in the sauna at the gym.  It might help me release toxins faster.

I was talking to a friend at work about this a little and she had a negative response.  She is a few years older than I am and she basically said, each year I get older, I am going to fall apart more and more.  I wanted to say, "But you are not doing the things I am doing to try to get better."  She is not trying to lose weight, improve her nutrition, exercise, or anything like that.  I will agree that if I kept doing what I had been doing for years, I would be falling apart more each day and I doubt would live many more years.  But that is not the case.  So I hope to prove her wrong, big time.  She is kind of a pessimistic person in some ways.  I am not -- I am a very hopeful person.  I would much rather be that way.

 I also read about some tools that will help realign my body, particularly the occipivot and related products for the rest of the spine.

The Occipivot and Cervical Pivot help with headaches, neck issues and TMJ issues.  They help slowly realign the body for people who tend towards the forward head position, which I definitely do.  The rest of the devices would be beneficial for me too.  The whole set costs $239, but I could buy it one piece at a time.  Of course, I would start with the Occipivot and Cervical Pivot.  These devices got very good reviews.  I also ordered a book that my MT has in her office.  It shows a lot of the positions my MT has been telling me to use to stretch, but I tend to forget when I get home.  I need to do more at home to get better faster and to eventually reduce cost.  Poor posture is learned and it can be unlearned.  That would be the purpose of these tools, plus strengthening the muscles to maintain the correct posture.

As the day went on, my headache improved somewhat.  Thank the Lord.  I wasn't so worn out when I got home.  When I found out I was going to have to work late, I went downstairs and got a salad at a place that was still open (just in time).  Therefore, I didn't have to eat dinner when I got home.  I got done at 8:15.  I'm tired, but not like yesterday when my head hurt ALL DAY LONG.

One more day to get through.  Thank the Lord.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Not Feeling So Good

I would so love to take the day off, but no can do.  As late as I have been working, it seems like when I get home at night, it is no time until time for bed if I am to get up in the morning and do a workout.  This morning I have cooked, cleaned, worked out and walked my dog, all before starting to get ready for work.

I made the chicken breasts stuffed with pesto and cheese this morning.  They look delicious!  I also made another Ham and Swiss Pie, so all I have to do for the rest of the week is warm up my breakfast.  I need to make a veggie to go with the chicken.  I was going to take it with me, in case I have to work late.

There is so much to do at work this week.  I am speaking for the attorneys working on this case but, of course, that flows down to me.  We are in the final two weeks of prep for trial.  Trial will not be until January, but other deadlines were not changed even though the trial date itself was continued.  I'm not sure what will be going on between now and January -- of course, there is plenty of preparation the attorneys will be doing, but all filings will be done.  We are appealing one decision from a hearing, so that could cause the whole case to be continued.  If that happens, I am asking for time off.

My house is a little messier than it has been.  I just haven't had time this week to do everything.  That bothers me a little bit, but I feel like the thing that kept me feeling overwhelmed in the past and, as a result, not doing what needed to be done, has been broken.  When I have a little free time, the chores will be caught up.  I know how much better I like things that way and don't want to go back to my old ways.

I'd better get moving.


I got off at a little more decent hour this evening (6:45).  I came home and warmed up my chicken -- it was soon good!  This is definitely going to be a regular recipe I make.

Not only was I struggling with the headache today, but I had an earache.  I don't know if they are connected.  Sometimes your ears hurt with TMJ, so it could be from that, or I could have an ear infection that is giving me headaches.  I almost wish it was the latter, because if I am sick, I will get well and feel better.  If it is the other, not so much.  My boss asked if I wanted to stay and work a while tonight and I told him I wanted to go home.  I just haven't felt good for several days.

The chicken filled me up and I think I am going to leave my eating at that tonight.

I'm going to read for a while and just rest.  Good night.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Learning to Push Through

A headache morning.  Ugh.  I think I am going to get me a night guard and see if that helps.  I am gritting my teeth at night -- my MT also says she can tell I do.  I wake up and realize I am doing it.  I was diagnosed with some TMJ issues years ago, but they seemed to let up for a while.  But that could be a big part of my constant headaches.  The problem is, my insurance does not cover TMJ issues, which I think is ridiculous when it causes medical problems like this.  Back when I was diagnosed, I wore a splint on my teeth, which is really just a diagnostic tool.  But even if I just wore something at night, perhaps that would help.  It had a feature built in it that helped pull my lower jaw forward.  For now, I will just get something over the counter and see if it will help me not grit my teeth.

In the meantime, this (headache) is obviously something I am going to be dealing with on a fairly regular basis.  I cannot let it keep me from accomplishing my goals.  Otherwise, life will continue on as it has for years.  I have to learn to push through, even when I am not feeling my best.

I did a little looking at Mother of the Bride dresses online yesterday.  I saw one I really like, but it is likely totally unrealistic for me.  It just depends on how my arms will look.  I want to be realistic, but at the same time, I want something to motivate me.  So I will have more than one option I look at.  I will post some pictures in the next few days.  Not that I am going to go out and buy something at this point, but I want something in mind to work toward.  I'm not sure what colors my daughter is going to choose.  Should I try to match her colors?  I am thinking about a jade green color -- I look good in it with my fair skin and green eyes.

My workout for this morning is done.  I did the same as yesterday -- 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, intervals with resistance of 6 and 11.  My MT was telling me the reason I was having so much pain with something she was doing yesterday was because of weakness and tightness in my inner thighs and calves.  So I am working on strengthening my inner thighs and calves.  Besides helping with the pain issues, it will make my legs more shapely.  I have a lot of muscle in my calves, but not enough on the inside, in my opinion.  Anyway, if you turn your toes inward when doing certain exercises, it helps build those muscles.  So I did that while pedaling on my recumbent bike, and you know what?  It worked really well!  I could feel it working the inside of my legs all the way up.  I also did arm work and raised my weight to 5-pound dumbbells.  That was much more taxing on my muscles -- they were shaking after my workout.  I should probably give them a rest tomorrow, but wanted to get a good enough workout before doing that.

Oops!  I'd better get moving!  More later.


Today started out hectic at work, but I was not quite as busy as I was yesterday.  I expected it to get more hectic when my boss came back from a meeting.  However, he was gone all day and came back at 5:30.  I don't like it when that happens.  I'm about ready to go home at 5:30, not get started on a bunch more work.

Breakfast this morning was some breakfast sausages (not like pork sausage -- more like a smoked sausage) and some scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese.  No formal lunch today, but I brought some almonds and some celery and cream cheese.  I had a little more celery and cream cheese late afternoon when I heard my boss would be coming back late.  I knew I would get too hungry before I got home.  Plans for dinner depends on what time I get off. :/

My daughter and I were doing a little research on a wedding venue and think we have found an affordable option.  She is going to call them and go see it soon, since she will need to get it scheduled as soon as possible to assure availability (assuming it is available now).  My friend at work has been an event planner and has been giving me a lot of suggestions, which I am passing on to Bethany.  She will be a valuable resource as we do this, since we will be doing a lot of the decorations ourselves.  Bethany likes to do that kind of thing, and it will be necessary for us in order to be able to afford it.  I cannot afford to give her a lot of help financially, but I will definitely do what I can.  I can assure you her father will not.

I am remembering how certain things were when I got married.  You usually had to hire musicians -- a pianist or organist, a soloist, etc.  Often, these days, the music is not live.  The last two weddings I went to had no one singing at all.  Bethany is a singer and I suspect will want live singers, but the instrumental music, I suspect, will not be live.  I actually sang at my own wedding.

I am feeling good about how things are going with my eating, and if I keep it up with the exercise I have been doing this week, I think I will keep making good progress in the coming months.  My goal is to get to 240 by the middle of November, 230 by the middle of December, and 225 by the end of the year.  That will give me a little over four months to hopefully lose down to at least the 190's.  Since I have spelled that out, I see that I will have to be making consistent progress with no periods of stalling.  Exercise is going to be crucial for that, I think.

I ended up having to work until 8:00.  I got really hungry and the only thing I had at work was celery and cream cheese.  I didn't want any more of that.  My friend had some peanuts, so I ate a few of those.  When I got home, I was too tired to cook.  I ate some cheese and a little bit of ham with leftover artichoke dip from my party.  I thought about getting out the chips I had left from the party -- I haven't taken them to work -- but you know what?  I didn't want them.  I also passed candy corn at work several times, and although a little tempted, did not want to eat that either.  I know where that would lead.  What did sound good was a little salad, so I made a small salad and ate that. It wasn't the most satisfying "meal" I have ever eaten, but oh well.  I need to take something tomorrow to have if I have to work late.

Cas is whining, so I'm going to close.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Another Late One

It’s one of those days when I feel tension when I get to work, like I’ve done something wrong.  It always feels like this when I am gone (I left early Friday because of my party).  In this case, I feel it coming from my backup who evidently must have felt weighed down by her work load and having to help me Friday afternoon.  I feel bad that it is that way, but you have to be gone every once in a while.  I also went downstairs this morning for my massage appointment and came back and the work I was doing was taken from my desk and she was working on it.  Somebody must have asked her to do that.  That bothers me too. She hasn’t said a word to me.  And I feel kind of miffed because it is not like I am not here all the time.  And the time I took for my massage appointment is my lunch hour (half of it, the other half of which I don’t take).  But she is feeling like a martyr, or so it feels.  She is really not that way, but things have been hectic lately.  I don’t know what to do except keep sitting here doing my job.

I asked the MT not to work on my throat area this time.  I feel that it has triggered headaches the last few days.  Not that what she is doing isn’t ultimately beneficial.  I just am not coping with the results of it right now and I need a break.  She understood.  It is very difficult to go day after day with a significant headache.  I would call these bad headaches.  Usually they are moderate.  And it feels like it is triggered by the throat area.  So, she worked on my back, upper and lower, and my feet and calves.  I didn’t feel quite as beat up today.
My weight was up a little this morning.  I didn’t feel like I ate too much yesterday, but may have had a lot of sodium.  I certainly know I didn’t gain pounds in one day, so it has to relate to water retention.

Breakfast this morning was one piece of breakfast sausage and a 2-egg omelet with Gouda cheese.  I again did not bring a formal lunch but did bring some almonds and a few of the cocktail sausages left from my party.  Provided I get off on time, I plan to make some pesto stuffed chicken breasts for dinner (recipe from Kalyn’s Kitchen).
My headache feels a little better today.  I finally got it to settle down right before bedtime last night.  Otherwise, it hurt quite significantly all day.  It did get to hurting for a while, but I was able to get it under control.

I got my workout done this morning.  30 minutes on the recumbent bike with intervals at a resistance of 6 and 11.  I did arm work with hand weights while I was pedaling on the lesser-resistance intervals.  It was a good workout!  I may have to move up to heavier weights on some of those arm exercises to tax my muscles more.  I think I am using 3-pound weights now, so I probably should try it with 5-pound weights and see how I do.  I want these arms to look as good as they can come May!

 I certainly did not anticipate that I was going to have to work until after 9:00 p.m.  My boss was gone to a deposition all day, but about 5:30 he came back and loaded me down.  And I had a really busy day, even without him there most of the day.  I was getting very hungry toward the end and I didn't want to go home feeling out of control.  I knew I had some celery left in the fridge, but I figured it was no good.  But it was, so I ate the two sticks that were left with some cream cheese.  It helped a lot.  When I got home, I was much too tired to cook.  I had these little sausages I bought (today was all about sausage, I guess) and I had some of that wrapped with cheddar.  That's it.

Now I'm just trying to have a little evening before I go to bed.  I'm beat.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My Baby is Engaged!

My baby is engaged!

Now the Mother of the Bride thing is officially on!  She was very surprised.  She knew it was going to happen, but she did not know it was going to happen last night.  :)  Wedding is likely in May, so I have approximately 8 months.

I probably went a little overboard on the carbs yesterday, but not too bad.  I got into the Wheat Thins that were left over from my party.  They are gone now and the candy corn and chips left will be going to work with me tomorrow.  I've thought several times about getting into that candy corn (I don't even really like it that much, as candy goes!), but knew I would regret and knew it would be that much easier to do it again if I did it once.  So I didn't.

I went to class this morning, but did not stay for church.  I guess one thing at a time.  One reason was because I was in pain.  I left my medicine in somebody's car yesterday (one of my daughter's or mine, which my son has right now).  Thankfully I had a prescription waiting for me at CVS when it opened at Noon.  People In class seemed glad to see me.  I have to get myself out of my isolation mode again, but I will.  When I walked into class this morning, a guy I have thought was kind of nice looking before was standing at the door and his expression changed when I walked up like, hey, I haven't seen you in a while.  I think he is an attorney.  I wouldn't mind getting to know him.  :)  He is nice and tall, too.  I just need to get involved regularly and see if I can get to know him.  Not that that should be my motive to go to class.

My daughter called and her fiancé's family and they were going out for lunch and she wanted to know if I could go, so I did.  We celebrated their engagement and heard the story of how Tom proposed.  Lunch was at Olive Garden.  Do you know how difficult it is to eat low carb at Olive Garden?  Of course, they have the unlimited salad bowl.  I ordered stuffed chicken marsala, which came with mashed potatoes.  I didn't eat the potatoes, but ate the chicken and the mushroom cream sauce.  I think I did as well as I could there and still get an enjoyable meal.  Almost everything there is served with some sort of pasta.

My headache just will not settle down.  And I am having a lot of the throat pain (from my neck surgery) that seems to trigger headaches.  I think it is because of all the "pinching" my MT has done in that area.  I may have to give that a rest.  I just can't take having this bad of a headache all day, every day.  I was thinking today, I wonder what the record is for a person having a constant headache before they went crazy.  :\  I will ask her to stay away from that throat area for now.  I did a lot of smiling at lunch and it made it worse -- the tension to the face caused it.  I spent the rest of the afternoon with an ice pack on the back of my neck, then on my throat and then the top of my head.  I still have a headache.

Regardless of that situation, I have to get going with workouts next week.  I did four last week, which was one more than the minimum I set for myself.  But now that the party is done, I need to turn my full focus to that.  I want this and I want it bad.  My next goal in sight is 240.  This week, though, I would like to drop below 247.2, which is the lowest I have been in recent years (since 2002).  When I get to 240, I should be well into a lot of the clothes in the bins in my closet.

I'm not nearly ready for Monday, but here it comes anyway.  That's it for tonight.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


I lost 2.8 pounds this week and now weigh 249.4.  Not quite to my lowest, yet, but I'm so very happy to have finally moved significantly!

Today is my carb day.  I slept late -- 10:15!  I almost never do that.  Breakfast was a peach and a few of the barbecue sausages from the party last night (low carb BBQ sauce).  I was a little concerned I had overdone last night on the nuts and it would affect my weight this morning, but I am happy with the result.  I have nuts left, so I will have to be careful.

My daughter just called and they want to go to lunch at Iron Cactus.  I will have to decide how carby I want to get.  I can have the bacon wrapped shrimp and a salad I usually get.  I will have to see what the choices are.  I don't want to go overboard.

I forgot that I told my son I would come pick him up and help him with some things to try to get his car going.  He has been extremely stressed trying to get rides to work and trying to get his car going (which has been down for months).  He has been between a rock and a hard place -- too many details to explain.  I decided to loan him my car this week to help with his stress and so he can do what he needs to do to get his going -- he's almost there.  He didn't ask, but I want to help.  So, my daughters and I decided to eat in Arlington so he could go with us.  We had a nice family lunch today at Abuelo's.  I had the Chile Relleno.  The worst part of it was that it is breaded and fried.  I got the one stuffed with beef (which was brisket).  For my sides, I had the potato casserole and spinach casserole.  I ate maybe 2 tortilla chips (I just had tiny pieces so I could try the queso and each of the salsa's).  It was very good.  I ordered off the lunch menu, so it was a reduced portion.  The breading and the potatoes (which was only a very small serving), and the 2 chips were the only carbs in the meal.  I mean things you normally think of as carbs.  I don't know if it was the carbs or the rich food, but it kind of messed with my tummy.  Later I had some sugar free chocolate pecan delights, which is becoming a weekly occurrence.  I'm okay with that, as long as it is on my carb day.  It is now almost 7:00 p.m. and I am still not hungry.  I'm not sure what else I will eat today.  I bought some frozen peaches, so I might have a little of that.

I wore my "favorite jeans" today -- haven't worn them in a few weeks, since I wear shorts a lot in the warmer weather.  They are getting pretty loose.  Looser than they have ever been.  :)

My headache is still hanging on stubbornly.  I am going to rest a while and see if I can get it to let up.  That's all for today.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Party is Done

I felt so bad yesterday that I basically fell asleep at 7:30 last night.  I woke up around bedtime, turned my covers back and climbed in.  I knew the headache was sapping my energy, but good grief!  Plus I just needed to get away from it.  I propped myself up in bed to give my neck good support and iced it, and tried to read, but I couldn't stay awake.

My loft certainly won't look bad tonight, but not as good as I wanted.  People will just have to accept that I work a lot and have these things to deal with.

I'm still below 250, so all I have to do is stay on track today.  I don't think that will be a problem.

I wrote the above this morning.  It is now after 10:00 and it's the first time I've had a minute all day.  My party went okay, although not many came.  People liked my loft, so all my fussing about that either did the job or I worry too much.  They kept talking about how good of a decorator I am and I kept thing, "Me?"  I definitely never thought I had a knack for that.  Basically, if you've seen Kirkland's, you've seen my house.

My eating was okay, I guess.  I probably ate more nuts than I should have, but I didn't eat much of the rest of the food.  Hopefully weigh-in will be okay in the morning.  I've got some carbs hanging around now, left over.  Honestly I don't feel too tempted about them, but that could change in the wrong mood.

Headache was a little better today, but still there a lot of the time.  I'm so happy it is the weekend.

That's all I have the energy to get down.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Having Trouble Coping

I'm having a mixed kind of day so far today.  The good things are:

The scale is down a little further this morning.  If I hold it together for today and tomorrow, official weigh-in should be good!  I will have to be careful Friday night at my party.  I will be serving snacks.  I am serving low carb options, but will also provide some carby things for guests.  I will make that my dinner, I guess.  I will have some things like Little Smokies (sausage) with barbecue sauce (a low carb version), some artichoke dip with crackers, but will have some raw veggies to dip too, and maybe some pieces of sausage and ham would be good to dip, too.  The party has a kind of Halloween theme (although I don't really like Halloween--this is the consultant's deal), so I will have a bowl of candy corn (which will go out the door with one of my guests when the night is over).

My nightgown, that when I bought was really too tight to be worn in front of anyone, is fairly hanging on me now.  I will be into a bunch of "new" clothes very soon.  I hope there are some slightly wintery things in there.  When I was looking at my clothes yesterday, I realized I don't have much of anything for cold weather (although Texas rarely gets that cold).  I don't have any sweaters.  I do have things that can be worn with blazers, which is good enough, especially with an outer coat over it to walk to work.  I have heard we might have a cold winter, judging by how some of the animals are acting (squirrels are putting away extra, it appears, for example).

The not so good thing is:

I am feeling this morning like I don't know how much longer I can take these headaches.  They are wearing me out, physically and mentally.  I am so tired, partly from constantly being in pain (from headaches and back- and joint-related stuff), but also from the medication I take to try to combat it, like the muscle relaxant.  Making myself work out is more difficult than it should be right now, and it has more to do with this than anything.  I think how tired I am has everything to do with the chronic pain (or maybe I said that backwards).  I just don't know what to do about it other than keep on working on things.  So that is what I will do.  It just makes me not want to do anything.

Not only does the pain situation make me feel bad and tired, it also makes me want to eat, at times.  I want to eat for comfort and that won't do me any good.  I haven't really followed through on that, but this morning I keep thinking I want something to eat when I am not stomach hungry at all.  I know that is why.

My MT said I will likely have trouble with this as long as I have my current job, or any job sitting at a computer all day.  There is not much I can do about that.  There is nothing I could do that would make me an adequate living that does not involve sitting at a desk, at least not without going to school or something.  I sincerely hope that weight loss will help with my other issues, which would make this a little easier to deal with.

I did do my workout last night.  I was more tired than I am in the morning, so my resistance was set at 5 and 10 for intervals.  But I got it done and I cleaned out the refrigerator like I planned.  I did not work out this morning, but did get a thing or two done on the loft.

Breakfast was a serving of Ham and Swiss Pie, with 3 Little Smokies.  Hopefully that will hold me a little better than just the pie.  I still didn't bring any formal lunch.  However, after my massage, I picked up a side salad at Chick-Fil-A and had that.  I also had some almonds.

Massage today was more of the same, but it didn't hurt quite as bad today.  She still worked mostly on my headache issues.  Headache perhaps feels slightly better, but still definitely there.

I am home now.  When I left work, my headache had gotten pretty severe.  I don't know how much is going to get done tonight.  It led up a little while I was eating dinner, but I suspect it will be back.  I don't know why it sometimes stops when I am eating.  I suspect it is more of a mechanical thing than something like blood sugar.  I think I will ice my neck for a few minutes and then use the heating pad to see if I can get it to relax.  I am so very tired of this.  I am having trouble coping.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Discipline Is...


Finally, the scale is beginning to move.  My goal to get below 250 this week is well within reach.  I just need to keep doing what I am doing.

I did do my arm workout and my yoga workout last night.  I also shampooed my rugs and was overall very productive, despite having a headache.  The workouts were only a total of 20 minutes, but still -- it's progress, and I am doing some toning along with the cardio.  The  yoga works far more than the arms.  I felt it particularly in my abs, which is a good thing.  It didn't look too pretty last night -- I am out of practice on the yoga, and she was moving faster than I could, but at least I did it.  I want to get a video with a longer workout that deals specifically with core and back.  That will not only help me get stronger and feel better, but help with my middle section as far as looking better.

I think I really need to get it set in my mind to go to the gym at least some mornings.  Going in the evening is probably not going to happen very often.  If I get up early enough, I can go in the morning, but I have to be very efficient with the use of my time and get certain things done ahead of time.  I also have to go to bed on time.  But I won't do that before next week, since I am getting ready for my party.

I'm up at 5:15 this morning, but need to spend some of my time working on my loft.  I didn't get a whole lot done over the weekend.  But a little bit each day should have it looking like I want it for my party.  I have continued to be tidy through the last 2-3 weeks, so that part is okay.  I am just doing little extras like cleaning spots on walls, shampooing the rugs, etc.  Tonight my goal is to get the refrigerator cleaned out and looking organized.


It is not often that I am so busy at work that I don't at least have time to get a few thoughts down, but yesterday was one of those days.  I worked until about 7:00, but the day was so busy, the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was spend more time on the computer.   I'm afraid I didn't get much of anything done.  I fell asleep in my chair after dinner and got up and picked up after myself and went to bed.  I guess I was pretty tired.  I woke up with a stuffy nose the night before, so took some Benadryl before going to bed last night.  It did the job and knocked me out too.

Guess what?  The scale said 249.6 this morning!  We'll have to see if that holds through Saturday, which is weigh-in day.  But what I have been doing this week is working.  I got a little hungry and ate a little more yesterday than the day before, but I guess not too much.  Thank the Lord I am finally making progress!!  I guess the carbs Saturday didn't hurt me, either.  And I am liking having something different to look forward to each week, although I haven't thought much about it during the day this week.  When I am hungry, my thoughts naturally go to protein, etc. when I want something to eat.  I did enjoy some of the sugar free ice cream last night.

Breakfast this morning was some Ham and Swiss Pie.  I meant to add some sauteed mushrooms to the recipe this time, but I forgot.  Next time!  I like having this ready and being able to just warm it up and eat in the mornings.  However, it does not hold me quite as well as other things I normally have for breakfast.  I had about 5 pieces of pork rinds too, which is less than a serving.  I am again not planning to eat a formal lunch, but have some almonds and some celery with cream cheese when I get hungry.  If I get hungier than that, I can get me a side salad at Chick-Fil-A.

I overslept this morning and did not work out.  I hope I will have an opportunity to do that tonight.  Jerry has a dinner to go to, so I should be able to.  Now to just make myself do it.  I really need these headaches to stop.  It is so much harder to push myself when my head is pounding.  I meant to put an ice pack on my neck last night, but fell asleep and forgot.  I really need to do that tonight.  My neck and shoulders are really sore, which probably has a lot to do with the massage therapy I had Monday.  I am also sore all over from the arm workout and yoga Monday evening.  But that's a good kind of sore.

I'm having another headache day.  My MT has been telling me to ice my neck when I have a headache.  I did that a couple of nights ago and decided to do it at work today.  I may look weird to some people, but so what.  I filled a baggie with crushed ice and wrapped it in a shawl kind of thing I keep here for when I get cold.  So I look like I have a muffler on that does not really match what I am wearing.  But it does the job and that's all I care about.  Besides, with the ice pack on my neck, I am getting a little cold.

It looks like I may be having more people than I thought I might at my party.  Not a lot, but I was afraid it was just going to be me and my daughters and one or two others.

I'm home now and had my dinner -- a salad with blue cheese dressing and a bacon cheeseburger with no bun.  I ate some more pork rinds this afternoon, so I don't want to eat too much this evening.  I will probably take some lunch tomorrow.  My hunger has been building on me a little.  I may have to do one day with lunch and one day with just the "snacks" mid-day for the rest of this week.  I just want to make sure I am below 250 at this weigh-in.

I don't feel like it, but I am going to get up and do my workout and clean out my refrigerator and do some picking up.  I want to make my goal more than anything this week and be the kind of mother of the bride I have envisioned.

I am praying for God to heal my headaches.  I do not want to live with these the rest of my life.  I'm just putting myself out there and saying that.

"Discipline is doing what you don't want to do in order to have the things you say you want to have."--Joyce Meyer

Monday, October 7, 2013

My New Motivation

Sunday Evening

I'm sitting here not feeling like doing anything and realizing why I'm struggling so much with that the last few days.  I had a headache for the better part of a week.  I don't know why it's back.  I am trying to take a muscle relaxant, at least part of the time, but they are being very persistent.  They make me want to just sit and stare into space sometimes.  I did do some of the stretching recommended by my MT this evening.

I tried a recipe for low-carb ice cream made with stevia.  The verdict -- I like it.  Yes you can tell it is artificial sweetener, but it is good for an occasional something sweet.  And I know everything that's in it and it's less carbs than Diet Bluebell.

I'm not liking my haircut as much as before.  And I'm particularly not liking the color.  I should have gone with my instinct on that instead of what was recommended to me.  I may go back and get an adjustment on the color and the cut.  I found this picture of me recently and I really liked it -- I like me with a little bang sweeping to the side.  I told him I wanted that, but he didn't do it.  I think I will have to show him this picture.  It makes my hair look less flat, which is something I hate (I mean my hair looking flat).  I will have to do some teasing to feel okay about it tomorrow or it will bug me all day.

I took a tumble last week.  I was trying to adjust a light on the track lighting in my loft and stood on my footstool to do it.  It tipped over and I fell.  I got down on the floor a few minutes ago to do some ab exercises and man, my leg is sore!

I had a hard time going to sleep last night.  Usually a headache will calm down when I lay down, but it didn't last night.  It took a while to go to sleep.  It feels better this morning.
I did my workout this morning -- 30 minutes on the recumbent bike with intervals from 6 to 11 on resistance.  I worked up a good sweat and it felt good.  I did just a little bit of ab work last night -- some leg lifts that my MT recommended to strengthen my lower abdomen to keep my back in better condition.  Of course, I need to do more than that, but it's a start.  I plan to do my Arms of Steel video -- the first part and the yoga part -- this evening.  Hopefully I will get off at a decent hour.  I also need to do some housework to get ready for my party Friday night, which I don't know if many are going to come to.
Breakfast this morning was two pieces of sausage and a 2-egg omelet with sharp cheddar.  I didn't bring a real lunch.  If my appetite is like it has been, I will not be stomach hungry until at least early afternoon.  I brought some celery and cream cheese, as well as a 100-calorie pack of almonds, to hold me until dinnertime.
Although it is not quite "official" yet, I am using the mother of the bride thing to motivate myself.  The countdown to May is on (it could be later in the Summer, but I'd better count on May and get busy).  I want to move below 250 this very week.  I need to do what it takes to get me there.
I had a therapy appointment today.  She worked on things related to headaches today.  Oh goodness, some of that really hurt.  I almost cried this time.  She was pinching the muscles? tendons? ligaments?  ?? in my shoulder going up to my neck.  It hurt soooo bad.  She also stretched those areas extensively and it was making my head hurt while she was doing it and, at times, I didn't think I was going to be able to stand it.  I just tried to breathe and focus on something else (just like labor).  After it was done, she said "And you didn't think you were stressing at the wedding, huh?"  I did not think I was stressing (I still don't), but there has been stress in other areas, like working a lot and some issues with my daughters.  There was nothing about that appointment that was a relaxing massage as you would usually think of one.  It hurt like heck!  I'm going to ice my neck tonight, as she recommended, and every evening I am having a consistent headache like that.
I had my almonds sometime around Noon and then I had 2 celery sticks with cream cheese at about 1:45.  If I get hungry, I can have more celery and cream cheese.  Jerry has already told me he would like to leave around 5:00, so that should mean I don't have to work late (although sometimes things don't work out as planned).  Anyway, that should leave me plenty of time this evening to do my workouts and some housecleaning.
I have been looking online at mother of the bride dresses.  I have no idea what colors Bethany will want for her wedding, and can't ask her yet since Tom hasn't popped the question.  I am just trying to get inspiration for the next few months.  I have a minimum of about 8 months until the wedding.  I would like to lose at least 60 pounds by then.  Of course, the pounds are going to come off as they will, but that will be my goal and what happens happens.  I'm not going to go buy a size 12 dress at this point and put that kind of pressure on myself.  But having something in mind will help motivate me to do the workout when I might not otherwise, or keep me from eating something when I am tempted.  That is an average loss of 7.5 pounds per month, and I think that is doable if I can get un-stuck.  More workouts are going to be part of that effort, as well as eating only when stomach hungry.
I did eat another two celery sticks with cream cheese.  It's almost time to go home, so that has worked for today.
Home now and I fixed my dinner immediately - a salad to be eating while by bacon burger was cooking (no bun, of course).  Then I went to walk Cas.  As I walked, I became pretty full, but not uncomfortable.  I remembered that I made the ice cream last night but am not hungry enough to eat a serving.  So I just had a bite when I got home.
I meant to take something for my headache when I got home because it is so hard to make myself work out when my head hurts this much.  I forgot to take it, so took it when I got home from walking Cas.  I am giving it a little time to kick in.  I hope that doesn't backfire on me because sometimes sitting d own leads to more sitting down.  But I don't have to follow old habits.  Remember -- Mother of the Bride -- that's what I keep telling myself.  I don't know if I will ever be comfortable wearing a sleeveless dress at the wedding, but the way I am most likely to feel comfortable with it is if I get my arms in good shape.  It may not be enough (because of excess skin, etc.), but it certainly won't hurt.
I'm going to sit here a few more minutes and then get up and do my workout.  The other thing on the agenda is to shampoo my living room rug, which only takes about 30 minutes.  I want everything clean and fresh for company.
Over and out.