I'm feeling pretty stressed this morning. This situation with my daughter's health is the main culprit. Of course, along with that, I am concerned about her losing her job and, consequently, her insurance. They have referred her to an endocrinologist and the soonest appointment she could get was October 15. She is barefly functioning (not really functioning) right now. She can't wait that long. We are looking into alternatives, but most endocrinologists are booked pretty solid. I admit I have let the stress get to me this morning.
I have a massage appointment at lunch and yoga tonight, so maybe those things will help. My pain levels are up right now.
If I have a little lottery payoff (I don't even play), that would help. I'm doing okay right now; I just have to stop worrying about things that have not happened.
I am having those feelings of being overwhelmed, and therefore wanting to shut down. I didn't work out this morning. I told myself it was because of pain (which was really there), but I could have done something. At least I have yoga tonight. Back in the days when my son was always in trouble (legal trouble, as a teenager), I developed a phobia that every time the phone rings (or someone knocks on the door), it is bad news. I am starting to feel that way again. I find my stomach lurching when the phone rings or I get a text or an e-mail from one of my kids. I am going to document how I am feeling today, but from here on out, I am going to purpose to not write about the negative things. Mainly because I don't want that to be what I speak out. What we say is important.
I feel the urge to lash out at my kids' father (in my mind) because he is not there for them (and therefore all the weight is on me). It does no good. I am just saying how I am feeling. I really need to do some stress release this evening. I will get some opportunity to do it at yoga, but I need to do more when I get home. Even now, I am trying to breathe in and release. Getting all worked up about everything does no good whatsoever.
It is time like these I feel very alone. It goes back to that whole thing of wanting to lash out at the kids' father. I resent that they cannot go to him for some of these things. Sometimes I want someone to take care of me, and there is no one. Actually, there is no one, but there is Someone, and that makes all the difference. That is what I have to remember. It is not my responsibility to be all/do all for my children. They need to go to their Heavenly Father too. So I have to remind myself not to take it all on myself, as I have a tendency to do. That is likely where a lot of this physical pain is coming from. I need to continue to do what I have been doing to take care of me.
I had a hard time going to sleep last night. Last night it was really not about all this. Last night my daughter was planning to try to go back to work today, but then I got the phone calls this morning. I think my problem last night was that I had slept late that morning and I just wasn't sleepy enough yet. As embarrassing as it is, I have mentioned my flea problem. I bombed over the weekend, but they are still a problem. I have heard that I will have to do that probably four times or more. So I will do it again next weekend. Anyway, I got chewed on some more last night, which didn't help my sleep any.
I had my massage appointment and it did help. I feel much better physically, and not quite so stressed.
I didn't start out my eating too well today. I was pretty hungry when I got up, so had a piece of cheese. Breakfast was sausage and a 2-egg omelet. No problem with any of that. But not too long after I got to work, the stress started building, and I ate my Atkins snack bar that should have waited until 10:00 or so, and then I ate the one I had brought for the afternoon too. I was not on a very good roll. Lunch was a Southwest Chicken Caesar Salad (no tortilla strips). Although I am hungry this afternoon, I have not eaten, so now as my work day is winding down, I have not eaten any more than I planned to. That is good. I should be okay for the rest of the day. I will have dinner and then to to yoga, so won't have time to sit around stewing about things, if I were going to do that.
I am pretty hungry, however, so I will have to be careful when I get home. I am going to make a Fine Cooking recipe I saw that coats chicken breasts in a mixture of mayonnaise, dijon mustard, salt, pepper and fresh rosemary. You are supposed to grill it, but I will just cook it on my stove-top grill pan. I may add just a touch of liquid smoke to give it a grilled flavor.
I followed that plan when I got home. I made myself an "appetizer" of a couple of celery sticks with some chive and onion cream cheese spread on them. Then I had the chicken described above (it was good and moist, with decent flavor -- I still would have liked a little sweet taste in there somehow -- like use Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise, but that is not Atkins) and some leftover roasted Brussels sprouts. I couldn't quite eat all my chicken (it was a big piece), so Cas got to enjoy the last couple of bites of that.
I rarely want to go to yoga, but I am always glad I did. I did have some time of stress relief and relaxation. That one last stretch made my back feel a little twinge-y, which I told her about, so I will have to be careful with that one. It is a twisting thing.
We were discussing how my daughter has been over a couple of times in the last few days, and when she comes over, I tend to lay aside what I was planning to do. Like last Thursday I was planning to do a yoga tape, and my daughter came over and was upset, so I didn't do that. We discussed how I needed to tell her that she can come on over, but at such and such a time, I need to do my yoga workout as I was planning to do. I still need to take that time to care for myself, even as I am nurturing my daughter, and in doing so, set a good example of having boundaries so that she will learn to have better boundaries herself. I do have a tendency to put everything aside I was planning to do -- cleaning or whatever -- so I can sit and watch TV with my daughter. Basically she just doesn't want to be home by herself, and she can still have that even if I go on and do what I was planning to do. She could even join me if she felt like it. So that is something to work on.
Both my yoga instructor and my massage therapist I think have taken a special interest in me. They give me a hug when I leave and I think enjoy being a part of this big change in my life -- learning to take care of Sheryl.
So, although it was a stressful beginning, today ended on a positive note. I have to take that time to take care of myself. I am no good to anyone if I do not.