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Friday, September 6, 2013

PTSD

Lots of thoughts going through my head today.  I did a lot of reading on PTSD last night (and stayed up too late).  I am more convinced than ever that Steph has suffered from PTSD for many, many years (I can pinpoint when it started, but did not know what brought it on until a couple of years ago).  The resulting over-production of cortisol in her body explains so many of her symptoms, including excessive scarring.  And now her adrenal glands seem to be stressed.  Now to see what can be done about it.

Actually, I believe I have also been suffering from PTSD for quite a number of years.  I went through the years of abuse in my marriage, which escalated in an extreme fashion at the end, my son went through his years of legal troubles, including getting sent off to TYC (which is juvenile prison) (actually, he probably suffers from it too -- he got the brunt of things from his dad, of all my kids), and then I have been through all this with Stephanie, all while being a single parent.  I tend to cope differently than Stephanie, so it has not affected me quite the same way.  I tend to absorb everything and try to deal with it.  That has resulted in the physical problems I struggle with, in some ways.  Plus the weight issue.  I am fearful in a different way than Steph.  I do not fear physical harm, as much, but my fears are more emotionally focused.

I began today with the resolve to not use the Atkins snack bars anymore.  I got rid of what I had.  They were so tempting to me that when I would get to work in the morning, I would want one immediately instead of waiting until snack time.  I swear, one kind of them tasted almost like Baby Ruth candy bars.  This morning I didn't do that and I am still not hungry.  I just have to put them out of my mind as not an option and I will be fine.  I hope that will help my general carb cravings.  We will see.

So except for yoga, I have totally blown off working out this week.  I have been feeling so overwhelmed.  What I have to realize, though, is the exercise helps with the stress and will ultimately help my "condition."  I'll give myself an okay to process everything this week, but I can't keep doing it.  I now see how very important it is for me to find a stress release each and every day.  I can't keep taking this upon myself and expect there not to be physical consequences.  That doesn't mean I have to expect 8-10 workouts a week from myself.  If I want to do that, great.  And sometimes I do, because I want to make progress.  But I don't want to feel pressured to always do it.  I still need to build the consistency of the 5 weekday workouts.

This also lets me see how important it is to continue to work on my housekeeping issues.  I need as stress-free an environment as possible to relax and release, and having things a mess does not do that for me.  So I will continue with my efforts in this area.  I want to get well, in every way.

Breakfast this morning was sausage and a 2-egg omelet with cheese.  Funny, I'm not really getting tired of breakfast.  Snack was about 12 almonds.  Lunch was a Farmhouse Salad from Potbelly.  I thinks it's funny that now I get ranch dressing on my salad because it is the best option there (the others have too much sugar).  The only thing I leave off this salad is the tomatoes.  I don't like raw tomatoes and I throw them out if they are in there.  You know, I got halfway through this salad and it got to where I was just choking it down.  I kept trying to eat it, and finally, I thought, "Why am I doing this?  I am obviously not hungry."  I think I didn't want to waste it, but eating it when you are not hungry is wasting it.  So I gave up when I was about 2/3 done with it.

Trouble is, I got hungry later.  I had some cheese sticks and some more almonds for snack.  I had to work late, and by the time I got home, I was REALLY HUNGRY.  I had a piece of chicken left over from the other night, but wanted to do something a little different with it.  I made a creamy sauce for it from the Core Balance Diet recipes, which was right on with Atkins.  I spooned a little of it over the chicken breast (and still have plenty for another meal or two).  I made a little salad with ranch dressing to go with it.  It was a big chicken breast and I couldn't eat all of it.  Cas got about a quarter of it.  (I am really spoiling him, but I'd rather do that than throw it out.)

Just trying to relax and recollect myself this evening.  I am going to take Cas for a walk in a bit and I will do a little cleaning to get a head start on the weekend.

I feel like I have done pretty well with my eating today.  I need to drink one more bottle of water and I will be good.

Have a great weekend!

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