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Friday, July 12, 2013


I feel slightly frustrated this morning.  I think it is because of my weigh-in for DietBet.  I have known I have gained weight the last few weeks, so when I got on the scale two mornings ago, what it said was no surprise.  But I did my official weigh-in photo this morning and I am up two pounds from that weight!  Now I know this probably means absolutely nothing.  I have eaten as I should the last two days, and I have done 3 workouts in the last 2 days, so I am on the right track.  But sometimes the scale can be very discouraging.

I am also frustrated because I realize how much I have been messing around the last few weeks.  I have gained 10 pounds.  I hate all this floundering around and I am ready to get moving.  I want to burst forward to my next short-term goal – about 25-30 pounds from now.  Really, with the weight gain, it is 40 pounds.  NO MORE FOOLING AROUND!

One thing I need to work on is drinking my water.  I am not getting that done and I know what a difference that makes, both in hunger and weight loss.  So I went and drank down a goodly amount and have more at my desk to sip on.  I will do that again after lunch.

Once again, I suffered from a lack of planning this morning, so it was another peanut butter sandwich and a banana for breakfast.  And this morning, it is not feeling like enough.  I have to get a plan mapped out.  In the meantime, the water helped and I ate some baby carrots and a stick of light string cheese.  I am going to get a full-week plan down this weekend, and I am going to do what I can in advance to prepare for it so there is less prep time during the week.  Within reason.  I don’t want to spend my whole weekend doing stuff like that.

I submitted my weigh-in photos to DietBet and they have been verified.  I got my assessment and I have to lose 10.4 pounds in 28 days to reach my goal.  That is an average of 2.6 pounds per week.  No room for goofing around.  I can’t let any of my recent hang-ups get in my way of doing what has to be done.  No being too self-conscious to go to the pool, no not feeling like working out in the morning and being too tired after work.  It’s time to get-er-done!

I got up this morning “not feeling like” working out.  Working out in the morning cannot be an option any more.  It’s like brushing your teeth or taking a shower – just one of the things you do before going to work.  So I did 25 minutes on the recumbent bike.

I have a lot I want and need to get done this weekend.  My self-talk is going to be busy = good.  And it doesn’t all have to be work.  I need to learn how to have fun.  There is something building in me about that that I just can’t put into words.  Maybe I can when I get my thoughts together.  Life is not all about trying to fix myself, or trying to make a living.  But that is what it has become to me, and it has been that way a long, long time.  I need to finally start living my life instead of planning what I need to do so I can someday start living my life.  I pray I can break free and actually do that.  I don’t know where the root of this came from, but it has been there a long time.  I was never encouraged to express myself, as far as I can remember.  Life was more about doing what you were supposed to, and not rocking the boat.  Somehow, I have let life pass me by and I really don’t know what I want.  Someone asked me once, if you could do whatever you wanted to enjoy yourself, what would you do?  I never did come up with an answer.  And somehow I have this habit of saving my energy for something – I never want to go anywhere or do this or do that, because I will get too tired.  And what have I saved my energy for?  To stay home by myself and watch television?  It doesn’t matter if I get tired.  Tired is better than never having lived your life.  This has to change.  It is very important – I can feel it.  A lot of emotion wants to come up about this.  There is a little bit of fear (I don’t even know how to do this), a little bit of loss (look how much time I have wasted) and a lot of “how can I make this happen?”

I went home for lunch today – something I haven’t been doing lately.  I didn’t walk Cas, because it’s just too hot.  (Of course, I took him out to potty.)  I fixed and ate my lunch and then I cleaned.  I got a lot done in that 30 minutes or so.  If I did that most every day, it would go a long way to keeping everything as clean as I would like it.  Usually when I went home at lunch, if I didn’t walk Cas, I sat and watched television.  If I will do it this way, then that gives me more free time in the evenings to get out and live life.  I was walking back to work after lunch – all I ate was a wrap made with tuna salad and some pop chips – and I realized I felt surprisingly satisfied.  Busy is better.  I think half of my eating is because I am bored.  I sit and watch TV, and that’s where my mind goes.  Lesson learned.

I have dinner planned out:  I am making an old recipe of Sweet and Sour Meatloaf (the tomato sauce, mixed in and on top, has some brown sugar and some vinegar), a baked sweet potato, and some kind of veggie (I will have to see what in my refrigerator is still good).  I have never used it before, but I set the delayed timer on my oven to come on at 5:30 to start cooking my sweet potato.  Sweet potatoes are better cooked long and slow, so I wanted to get a head start.  If it works, great; if not, I will improvise.  The plan when I get home is, after I take Cas to potty (I’m working on that situation!), to mix up my meatloaf and get it in the oven, get my veggie going in some form or fashion, then go do a 25-minute workout on the treadmill.  When I get back, everything should be done and I can sit down to eat.  I am going to put on some nice music and sit down at my table, with candles lit, my dinner on my pretty dishes, etc., and savor my dinner.  Cas will bark at me while I do it, but he has to start learning about that.  Then I will clean up my mess, walk Cas, maybe do another chore or two, then sit down and enjoy what’s left of my evening.  I tend to be more of a late nighter on the weekend, since I can sleep in the next morning.  It seems weird to sit down at the table with just me, but I need to practice mindful eating, and have a different kind of experience with my meals than sitting in front of the TV, not really tasting or enjoying my food.

We’ll see how that goes.  Over and out.

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