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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Balance is the Key

Monday

I kind of carbed out yesterday.  I think this was a result of sugar withdrawal – at least I did not eat any sweets.  Other evidence of that were my dreams last night.  I remember the first time I got off of sugar, I would dream I gorged on sugar all night, and in the morning, in those first few moments before being fully awake, there was the thought of giving in because I had already “blown” it.  Then I would realize it was just a dream.  Last night I dreamed I had all this candy around, in different scenarios, but interestingly, I never ate any in my dream.  I had full intention of eating it, but I never did.  I am doing a higher protein day today, although not with protein bars.

I am considering doing a stint of Medifast again, just to get moving.  However, I have a lot of food in my house that needs to be eaten, so I am not going to do that at this point.  And it may not be Medifast, because a lot the Medifast products have some form of sugar in them.

Another part of me realizes I am bopping all over the place.  I am thinking short-term when I think of doing another round of Medifast.  Long term, I need to learn to get in control on a plan that is about lifestyle, not dieting.  I am thinking of my goal for October when I think about doing Medifast.  If I place too much importance on that October scenario, am I again allowing my ex to control me?  I don’t know.  Incentive is different than control.

I won’t explain how I got on this thought pattern this morning, but I was thinking about if I was writing a story about the rest of my life, with me being the main character and the “heroine” of the story, what kind of characteristics would I want me to have?  What would be most important to my character?  What would drive her?  What did she want more than anything?  What were her habits?  If I were really writing a book like that, my character would be different, in many ways, than I am right now.  But the deep-down character qualities I possess might be characteristics my character would exhibit.  This goes back to what my former pastor’s wife said – I am writing a new history for myself.  The characteristics of myself that I would not choose for my heroine are simply choices I am making that I do not have to continue to make.  Wow.  That is huge.  I am going to keep thinking this through.  Is the choice I am making right now the new history I want to write for myself?  Is this the character my Heavenly Father had in mind when He created me?  How can I become what He intended me to be?  How can He use all that has gone before to mold me into that person He created me to be?  How can I get in sync with who He created me to be?  Because I know that person will be my happiest self.

My headache was much improved yesterday, and I am feeling pretty good at this moment.  I think the efforts to keep my shoulders down, especially while sleeping, are helping.  I meant to get another massage today, but work kind of got in the way.  I will go get one tomorrow.

Tuesday

My eating yesterday was improved.  I did a little unplanned eating in the afternoon, mainly because I did not come prepared.  I need to work on that.  I had some leftover bacon and some light string cheese for breakfast.  I have some stuff in my fridge I need to eat before it goes bad, and had accumulated quite a bit of string cheese.  I debated what to do at lunch, and didn’t feel like going downstairs to get anything, so I had some more light string cheese and a banana.  Unfortunately, I got pretty hungry mid-afternoon and had some peanut butter crackers they keep here at the office for when someone gets hungry.  Not horrible, but not what I was intending.

I worked a little late last night (7:15).  I got home and made some steak tacos from meat I had cooked Sunday – basically leftovers.  Then I cut open a watermelon I had bought, hoping it was a good one.  Actually, my daughters had picked it up for me at Farmers Market the weekend before, so they had it a week before they got it to me.  It was just a little overripe, but still pretty good.  It better be – they spent $15 on that watermelon.  I would never have spent $15 on a watermelon, but they didn’t know enough to know that was an extremely high price.  I will be eating a lot of watermelon the next few days, since I am the only one at home to eat it.  I was extremely full after the watermelon.  I looked up and it was 8:15 and I knew I needed to walk Cas, so I got out and did that.  Later on, near bedtime, I was feeling a little hungry, so I had some Greek yogurt.  Not too bad of a day.

I really struggled when I got up this morning.  I knew I needed to get a workout done.  I had a headache and I was sweating profusely after walking Cas (more than what would be normal).  I knew I would feel so much better if I would get a workout done, and if I keep using a headache as an excuse, I may never get one done on a regular basis.  Things are never going to change if I do not change, so I did one.  20 minutes on the recumbent bike.  You can imagine that I really regret doing that workout.  Not.  You never regret a workout once you get it done.  I don’t know why it is so difficult to make myself do it.

I am still struggling with some down feelings.  The difference is that I have more ability to act in my best interest, despite how I might feel.  I think I am just feeling kind of lonely and a little hopeless.  I am not genuinely hopeless, it is just that sometimes I feel like the changes I am trying to make are more than I can ever do.  That is why I have to just take it one day at a time.  If all I can muster in a day is one or two positive things that are in line with my goals, that is good.  At least I am working on it.  Nobody said it was going to happen overnight.  But it is a battle, that is for sure.

For breakfast this morning I got a ham, mushroom, egg and Swiss on a wheat square breakfast sandwich at Potbelly.  It is about half the size of a regular sandwich.  I ask for it with no butter or condiments and it comes in at 10 points.  I had a banana when I first got up, so I could take medication.

I went down to get my name on the list for a massage and saw that the MT is out of town for a family emergency.  She should be back later in the week.  I sure am missing those massages.  I do have a headache today, although maybe not quite as bad as they were before.  Shoulders down!  I catch myself putting my hand behind my head or pillow at night or putting my elbow on the desk instead of letting my arms hang down and have to correct it.  It is helping.

For lunch I had a Potbelly Farmhouse Salad with no bacon.  I got one container of their non-fat vinaigrette (which tastes like it is loaded with sugar) and one of their Potbelly Vinaigrette.  It is a big salad and takes more than one container, usually, so I use all of the non-fat and just a little of the other one.  I am going to find (or create) my own recipe for a reduced fat vinaigrette.  But sometimes I just prefer to have the full fat one – it is healthy fat, anyway.  And the prepared ones usually replace the fat with sugar.  A lot of the recipes I am seeing take all of the fat out and replace them with juice or vinegar, etc.  I don’t mind (and want) there to be some olive oil in it, so will only replace part of it with the juice.

I have this habit, when I am not wanting to face my day – really, at times, often in the day – of saying to myself, “I want to go home.”  This is that part of me that wants to hide from life and love.  I even catch myself saying it when I am home.  I need to pay attention to what I am thinking before I say that.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it is when I am being self-critical and I feel like I want to hide that part of me I don’t like from other people.  Anyway, I am trying to catch myself when I do that and start speaking something positive instead.  I was walking to work this morning and I caught myself thinking that.  I confronted the thought and realized, I really didn’t even want to go home.  Lately, home has been too much about being by myself, watching too much television, and I get caught in this rut of not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.  I did so much sitting Friday that my body was hurting from not moving enough.  I tried to combat that for the rest of the weekend.  I need time off, but I don’t need to spend time off like that – at least, not entirely.

As I make more friends, I would like to invite people over every once in a while to play cards or games or something.  I really enjoy that.  I have been working on my housekeeping, so I can feel good about doing that, but I have one confession to make.  Cas is not house trained very well.  I have been working on making sure he uses pee pads, and eventually I want to get him crate trained.  (I never wanted a dog, for this reason.  I never had house trained a dog before.  The girls wanted dogs and were supposed to handle that, but somehow Cas became my dog and it never got done.)  I have to be able to come home midday, without fail, for him to be crate trained.  I can at least keep him confined to areas of the loft that keep him off my rugs.  I won’t go into all the details, but I am working on this problem so I can have people over without worrying about this issue.  I am tired of having to clean my rug constantly (I have a carpet cleaner).

This is an important issue, because it is a reason I tend to isolate myself.  I need to plan more social time during my time off.  Inviting a few friends over is a way to do that.  I don’t mind being alone a lot of the time, but I don’t think it is in my best interest to be alone as much as I am.  It makes me retreat into my little fortress and not want to come out.

I have started reading a blog called 300 Pounds Down.  Holly has lost 240 pounds.  I am just getting started reading (and haven’t read her archives yet), but she had a post today that spoke to me a lot.  It was entitled No One is Perfect.  I identified with her post so much.  I struggle with this.  I recognize that a part of me doesn’t feel worthy to have friends or a husband until I have reached a certain level of perfection.  My house has to be clean enough, I have to be thin enough, etc.  I recognize that I am doing that, at times, but I also recognize that there is some truth to the things I am working on.  It is all in motivation.  I don’t feel like I can expect a man I could potentially marry to live in a mess all the time.  If he was comfortable with that, I am not sure I would be happy with that, because our weaknesses would combine so that we lived in a disaster area.  Neither do I want to marry a perfectionist.  But mostly I am working on this area because I like it when things are cleaner.  I feel more peaceful.  It is part of treating myself as a quality person.  So there are two sides to these issues.  I don’t want to feel like I have to meet a certain standard for other people, yet these things that I am working to improve are good for me and contribute to my happiness.  I don’t want to marry a man who demands that I be “thin,” but I want to be “thin” (that is a relative word) because I will be healthier and happier.  And I do understand that a woman’s appearance is important to a man, usually.  There is a fine line to be walked.  I just want to have a healthy balance.

Guess I've gone on long enough today.

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