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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

We'll Call This a Neutral Day

I’m struggling this morning.  I feel pretty down and have that feeling of mental and emotional paralysis.  I feel sure it is from withdrawal.  I was pretty snacky last night, although I tried to keep it under control.  At least the stuff I ate was healthy and I don’t think I ate enough to gain weight, just not little enough so I would lose weight.  I think I have to be careful not to beat myself up during this period because I am not losing weight.  To maintain would be a victory.

I took my evening half-dose right before bed.  I think that was too late, because I woke up an hour later with serious symptoms of withdrawal:  restlessness, insomnia, etc.  I knew I would have a very rough night without it, so I took another half-dose.  That helped things settle down.  That may seem like a failure, but this is still reduced from what I was taking.  If I had pain symptoms on any given day, I would take up to four pills a day.  If not, it was usually one in the morning and one at night (those are my most pain-challenging times).  So, I have cut it back to a half dose morning and evening.  The fact that I had an extra half-dose was still greatly reduced from before.  I slept rather fitfully.  I woke up a lot, but was able to go back to sleep each time after I took that second half-dose.
I got up this morning feeling pretty down.  I couldn’t make myself get on the recumbent bike.  I did walk Cas.  I also couldn’t face protein bars, but had some oatmeal with honey and a few craisins, and a banana when I first got up.  I messed up some when I got to work (someone brought donut holes).  I had 3 of those, so could have been much worse.  Someone also gave me a little egg and chorizo taco, so I ate that.  I just DO NOT want to get back where I was last week – eating any and every thing that is sweet, all day long.  I felt gross, not only because of what I was eating, but how much.

For lunch I did have a protein bar, but later in the afternoon had some peanut butter crackers, a few peanuts and several pieces of hard candy.  By dinner I was feeling under better control, so had a pita with some barbecued chicken, Laughing Cow cheese and lettuce.  It sounded better than it turned out, but it did satisfy my physical hunger.  After that I had some cantaloupe.  That's where I am now, so hopefully the rest of the evening will stay under better control.

I was reading Michelle's latest blog post, and I identified so much.  I know that feeling of losing a sizeable amount of weight and then finding yourself slipping into your old ways.  I so understand her fear and struggle.  I was thinking about my own situation after that.  What can I do to get through this current period of struggle.

First, for me, given I am dealing with this withdrawal, I think it is important I do not put too much pressure on myself.  To maintain would be victory.  I definitely want to do more than that, but still, if I don't gain, I will be okay with it.  I was reading that doctors often help people through withdrawal by treating the specific symptoms.  Nausea, diarrhea, headaches, cravings for the drug (and food), depression, anxiety, runny nose, insomnia, restlessness, etc.   My biggest struggles are cravings for sweets, depression, headaches, restlessness, insomnia and runny nose.  The cravings are not quite so strong since I have changed the method of weaning myself off, and I think if I can get my mind in the right place again, I can manage that, at least at this stage.  Same with restlessness.  If I am getting that symptom, I think I am not tapering slowly enough at this point.  Depression is the big thing for me right now, I think, and I still plan to ask the doctor to put me on an antidepressant.  Hopefully I can get there next week.  If I can get that under better control, my mind will be strong enough to better cope with some of this other stuff.

I was thinking tonight that a big thing I need to do right now is plan.  Plan every last detail of what I am going to eat each day.  The depression is causing me to be lazy about that type of thing.  I want whatever is convenient and doesn't take too much effort.  So if I am in that state, I should do the Subway diet, which really requires no planning.  I also need to plan by having healthy things available at work, like fruit and raw veggies, etc.  If I have something healthy to munch on, it does help the munchies I get with this withdrawal.  I think I will plan on doing the Subway thing tomorrow.  I almost stopped there tonight, but didn't.  But at least I had a plan of what I was going to do.

I hope dealing with the depression will help with my getting back to exercising.  That paralysis really takes hold and I find making myself do it very difficult at those times.  But I feel so.much.better when I do.  It helps my self-image tremendously.

I also have to remind myself that I really am making some good progress right now in other ways.  I have been getting out and making new friends and doing new activities.  I have been keeping my place cleaner, even if it was because I was having someone over.  If that's what it takes, then I need to do that much more often.  I feel so much better about life and myself when things are halfway tidy and clean.  More like a first class person than the second class person I have always seen myself as.

One bit of good news is that our case has been continued, so no trial in less than two weeks.  That gives me some relief to deal with this other stuff right now.  Trial is now set in November

That's it for tonight.  I'm going to go walk Cas and then clean/watch my shows or read.   We'll call this a neutral day.  Not completely successful, but it had its good points.

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