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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

This Is Not a Race -- It Is a Journey

Tuesday Evening

It's almost 8:00 p.m. and I am finally home from the hospital and all the running around afterward.

I am getting on a much better track with my eating.  The plan today was to do a protein bar for breakfast and lunch, with some fruit if I needed it, and then a balanced dinner.  I had the protein bars for breakfast and lunch.   The doctor came out to report on Steph's surgery much sooner than I expected and we left there around 3:00.  Since she hadn't eaten in 20 hours, Steph was really hungry and wanted to go to On the Border.  I debated whether to eat anything then or not, but decided I would go ahead and get my chicken tortilla soup I planned to have (I was thinking about getting it to go and eating it later).  So I had that and 2 tortilla chips with hot sauce, and 1 corn tortilla.  Then we stopped by Target to get Steph some groceries that would be easy to fix and then took her home.  I stayed there with her a bit, helped with her dogs, etc.  I carried in all her stuff, which involved going up stairs several times.  Then I stopped for gas on the way home before getting home.  I had gotten me a few things at the grocery store too, so that took 3 trips to bring in all my stuff.  I was pretty done in after that.

But I was talking about my eating today.  I had a Yasso frozen Greek yogurt bar when we got to Steph's, then some grapes on the way home.  That's it so far, and it is 8:00 p.m.   Not a bad day, eating-wise.  I will probably eat a little something more, but I don't feel hungry enough to do much damage.  I just feel like I am getting on a better track.

I bought a new outfit today.  I am hoping it will help my motivation.  It is just a bit small, and I will be able to wear it in 10-15 pounds.  Beautiful bright colors with a skirt, tee and cardigan and some cute wedges to wear with it.

The results of Stephanie's exploratory surgery were that there was no blockage.  He removed some scar tissue and he said her large intestine does not look quite normal, but there was no smoking gun saying "this is what is causing her problem."  Diverticulitis was mentioned.  I think I might have posted this yesterday.  ??

Wednesday Morning

I'm having a rough time this morning.  This is one of those days I'm just having trouble facing my day.  No reason for it.  It is that paralysis that seems to take over.  While trying to make myself get out of bed, I kept telling myself that I'm going to have to do all the things I need to do now, or I am going to have to do them later, so I might as well do them now.  But it still took me a while to get myself going.

I think Cas must sense my energy because he was ornery during our whole walk.  It started when I was about to get on the elevator in the parking garage to go down for his walk.  Usually we are alone, but this morning someone got on the elevator with us.  Cas took exception to that and seemed to want to protect me.  The good thing is, I was able to settle him down without him even barking at the guy, but the energy was there.  Then he wanted to go after everyone we met on the street.  I think he is trying to protect me, and I am sure he is picking up my energy beforehand.  I was able to get through the walk without much acting out, but I had to constantly correct him when I could see his behavior heading that direction.  He needs a good long run to burn his pent-up energy.

Back to me.  I know I would feel better if I would get on the treadmill or recumbent bike, but walking Cas is all I could make myself do this morning.  What is wrong with me?  That's what I want to say, but really, I recognize the symptoms of classic depression.  All I can do is keep fighting.  Doctor's appointment is Saturday morning, but then it will take a couple of weeks for any medication to start helping.  I was going to buy some St. John's Wort yesterday, but it was almost $10 for a bottle, and since I am going to the doctor Saturday, I thought I might as well wait for that.

Wednesday Evening

I did fairly well on my eating today, although I did eat some things I wasn't planning on.  I started eating some Pop Chips, but at least was able to stop myself before doing too, too much.  I don't know why I keep having such a hard time.  I feel snacky right now and I am drinking down water.  That may be the problem.

I finally finished my ActiveLink evaluation period.  It won't start giving me a challenge until Saturday, which is the start of my week.  But it will record my activity between now and then.  It says I am earning 2 points plus per day with what I am doing right now, which is good since all I am doing is walking to work and back and taking Cas on two short walks a day.  I do think this might help, since I tend to be a little competitive with things like this.  I think my goal next week will be 4 points a day.  I'm going to try to make myself get on the treadmill in the morning for at least 20 minutes.  I really think if I just get rolling on the workouts, my eating will improve too.

I still am on track with the new plan I am trying on my eating (which I am not sharing details about just yet).  At least there is that to be celebrated.

I was reading a blog today, and at the end she said something about this not being a race, but a journey.  I would do well to remember that.  But I feel like I have wasted enough time the last few weeks.  It's time to get moving.

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