During this time of depression and sluggish motivation, sometimes things I need to do are just more than I can face. It sounds strange, unless you have been there. For instance, Cas needs a good, long walk. He NEEDS it. But that seems to be more than I can face right now. But a walk down the street to the little park, and walking around it a bit, I can face. So that is what I am about to do. Many times I will have the thought, "I'm going to have to do it sometime, so it might as well be now" -- especially during the Summer when temperatures are milder in the morning, but later would be a whole different story. Sometimes after I get started, I can do more. We will see about that. No pressure. But I am at least going to take him for a short walk, and then the dog park later -- where he has a chance to burn off some more energy. For me, small bites is all I can handle right now. At least mentally.
I made the effort to fix myself a real breakfast this morning. I had protein waffles with blueberry topping (a la Lori). It was so much more satisfying than what I have been eating because I just grabbed what was convenient, or what I thought I craved, like a package of powdered sugar doughnuts. Little steps. I have some things in my fridge I need to use. Like some ricotta cheese. I think I am going to make some stuffed pasta shells -- a light recipe I have in my collection. It uses skim milk ricotta, ground turkey, spinach and a tomato sauce with a little kick. It is yummy and it will clear some things out of my pantry. I've been needing to do that -- I brought too much stuff with me when I moved and it is taking up more room that I really have.
Now, I'm going to go take that walk. Cas is restless, to put it mildly.
I am back from my walk, and guess what? I did do a longer walk. I have lived and worked in Dallas for 20 years now. I see tourists all the time downtown, visiting various attractions, and I have never visited them myself. I think of it as home and where I work, not a tourist place. But one place I see tourists is at Pioneer Plaza, which is actually just a few blocks from my loft. So I kept going from the small park I first went to and saw it for the first time.
I estimate I probably walked a mile. I walked back in to my loft to the smell of the protein waffles I had made earlier. I added a little coconut extract -- delicious! It smelled wonderful.
I have decided to use the money my boss gave me for my birthday (and the other I had saved) to get a new laptop. This desktop is so slow and Cas goes nuts almost every time I sit down at the desk. Plus, I like to read blogs while I am sitting and relaxing in the evening and it is hard to fully relax sitting at the desk. So I am going to look for one when I go out later.
I am giving some thought to my withdrawal. Don't get me wrong, I am still in withdrawal mode. However, there are times I still need the medication. For instance, yesterday I got one of those extremely bad headaches that comes from doing the wrong thing with my neck (since my neck surgery). I fought it all day, including the whole time I sat in the hospital waiting room waiting for Steph's test to be completed (no results yet). I was pretty miserable. When it came time to take my evening dose, I took a whole one instead of a half. That almost knocked it out, but never did. It takes a lot to make those things go away. And that is consistent with some things I have read from people who had the same surgery I did. I still have the headache today, although I am able to relax and get away from it that way because I am not at work. The headaches seem to do better if I will just knock them out. As far as my withdrawal, I am feeling better in one way. I am not having all the hot flashes I was when taking the medication. The material I read seems to indicate the hot flashes are from withdrawal, but I seem to have them when I am taking the medicine (and know someone else who is the same way). I like that I am not having this all the time. I want to get off the medicine as far as taking it on a daily basis. But I do want to have it when I really need it for pain. Since I am not emotionally addicted, I think this is okay. I want to get away from taking it on a daily basis, but I want to be able to take it when nothing else helps the pain. And I think that is okay. So that is my plan -- to get where I don't take it except every once in a while when I am having a bad pain issue. I think my doctor will be fine with that too. These headaches (the really bad ones) are very difficult to cope with. I need to keep working on mechanics -- meaning paying attention to what sets them off and try not to do that, but when I do get one that will not go away with normal remedies, I want to be able to get rid of it. Also, if I have a flare-up with my lower back and radiating pain, I want to be able to deal with it. So my goal is to get away from daily use (which was needed for the period of time before I lost weight), but to have it when I need it for significant pain. Thoughts?
I got my new laptop. I'm going to have to learn Windows 8.
I bought groceries this afternoon, and after that, and bringing them all in (which is a pain, living in this loft), I was done in. I realized that is vulnerable time for me, so I need to plan for it. I think eating out on grocery day is probably necessary, since by the time I get it all I hope, I am too tired for cooking a lot of the time.
Pain issues have flared up this afternoon. My back seems a little flared up and I am having fibromyalgia pain, as well as the ever-present headache. It seems never-ending sometimes. I got kind of snacky when I got home. Like I said, I need to plan to eat out on grocery shopping day. All of the above issues make me want to eat -- tired, hungry and in pain. Not a good combination. And I am not very good at buying groceries for one person.
I need to rest up tonight. Church and a Rangers game tomorrow will make a tiring day.