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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Confronting Instead of Avoiding

Yesterday went pretty well.  I did what I needed to do to make progress toward my goals I have set for the next 100 days.  I felt a little hungry last night, and ate fruit, but I think my appetite is adjusting again since I have been eating too much the last few weeks.  I would like to eat less fruit when I get adjusted again.

I mentioned the other day that when I am not doing well, I tend to not face things.  Like the scale.  I don’t get on the scale because I know it will not have good news.  I also don’t want to go to my WW meetings.  That is not a good way to be, because the meetings would help.  I need to go to the meeting even when I am really screwing up.  I also don’t want to go to the doctor because I know they will weigh me, so I put off doing something that will help me.  Another thing I do is I start wearing my roomier clothes.  I feel bloated and “fat” from eating too much, so I don’t want to wear the more close-fitting clothing.  It still fits, but I don’t like the way I feel, so I don’t wear it.  But that makes me lose incentive.  This is how weight creeps back up on me.  My ex mother-in-law laughed at me one time when I said something about how sometimes gaining weight creeps up on you.  She said, “wouldn’t the fact that your clothes are getting tighter be a clue?”  But, having never been overweight, she doesn’t understand that we often have several sizes of clothing in our closet and we tend to avoid the ones that are starting to feel tight.  We get into a place of big denial.  Deep down, we know what is happening, but we don’t face it.  So I think that is a big thing I need to stop doing.  Don’t put on those bigger clothes because I am feeling bloated and fat.  No one else can tell at that point, so it’s not like I look worse.  It’s just that feeling we try to avoid.  But if I stuck to the smaller clothes, it might pull me out of the behavior that is leading me in the wrong direction.

I have a weight loss journal I have been keeping for several years.  I keep a chart of my weight in it.  When I am not doing well, I am avoiding the scale, so of course there are weeks that I have not logged my weight.  Then I somewhat pull myself back to facing things.  When I post my weight I see all those weeks when I haven’t posted and I see the time I have wasted.  I hate that.  On May 18, I weighed 247.6.  I haven’t posted a weight since then because I have been screwing up.  So now I posted a 5-pound gain and I see all those weeks of wasted time.  Sigh.  I know this is all part of it and that these things happen, but I don’t want to have to keep retaking ground I had already conquered.  However slowly, I just want to keep moving.

I need to find a way to avoid slipping into denial and avoidance.  If I continually confront these things, I am sure I would not spiral out of control for such a long time.

A number of years ago, I lost quite a bit of weight on eDiets.  I think what helped me then was I had a community of friends I stayed in contact with.  We participated in challenges regularly.  I am competitive by nature, so those challenges really helped me.  When one would end, there would be another one to participate in.  It kept me more focused.  A challenge might simply consist of doing a list of certain things every day for a specified period of time – eat on plan, drink your water, add 5 minutes per week to your exercise routine, etc., etc.  And we communicated daily.  I think this would be good for me. So I am going to find a challenge to participate in, or create one of my own.

I struggled during the afternoon today.  I felt very motivated, but I was feeling the munchies – and genuinely hungry.  I tracked everything, and by 3:15 only had 10 points left for the day.  I need to stay away from my friends’ nuts.  One has a jar of peanuts.  I ate about a tablespoon of those and that was 2 points!  The other one has pistachios.  I had about 8 of those (you have to shell them) for 1 point.  I know they are nutritious, but they sure do add to your points total.  I tried drinking water and I ate some fruit.  But I really had to fight just eating whatever all afternoon.  But doing that does not get me where I want to go.  I need to bring some raw veggies with me, so I have that when I need it.  I finally did start feeling satisfied after eating a peach and drinking water all afternoon.

Stephanie’s medical test showed no definitive results.  They are going to do an exploratory procedure next Tuesday, so I will take the day off and go with her for that.  I halfway expect her to have an emergency situation before then.  I don’t mean to sound negative – I am just speaking from past experience.  She feels worse each day.  My hope is that the symptoms will be better before then and we can cancel the procedure, but realistically, I don’t expect that to happen outside of a miracle.  I really do not want this to derail me if we do go through another emergency situation and stint in the hospital.  I know what to expect, since I have been through it twice.  I have made up a plan in the event this happens.  I know what I will eat, I have a plan for getting exercise, I know what to pack so I will have what I need at the hospital, etc.  The only thing I haven’t got set is finding someone to take care of my dog while I am gone.  I am hopeful Bethany will take care of him, but she will have their two dogs already to deal with.  We all lived together the other times this happened, and we had a back yard, so taking care of the dogs was not such a big task.  Of course, I probably will go home each night; I just won’t have the time or energy to walk him, I am guessing.  At least not enough.


 I ended up having to work late (until about 8:45).  I was really hungry, but by the time I left, it had let up.  I got home and ate some popcorn and 3 whole wheat crackers with 1 T. Nutella. to use up my points.  I also ate some grapes.  I want more, but it is almost 10:00, so I might as well go to bed.  I want to stay up so it feels like I actually got an evening, but I will end up eating something I don't want to eat, so it is better just to go to bed.  I need to take Cas for a good walk tomorrow, but I also need to go to choir practice tomorrow night.  I'll try to walk him extra in the morning.

That's it.  I'm going to bed now.

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