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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Confessions

Wednesday

I am not having a good start today, mentally speaking.  I don't know why, exactly.  It was hard to get up after working late and the short evening.  I got out fairly immediately to walk Cas, got back and was struggling with a headache and just didn't get out the door to walk on the treadmill.  I sat there struggling, not wanting to go to work.  I ate a little breakfast -- a banana, a cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch, with a little 1% milk -- nothing wrong with that.  I want to comfort myself with food, but right now, I want to stay with my plan more than I want to do that.  That may be the problem.  I am trying to deal with this mental stuff and I am used to doing that with food.  Take that crutch away, and...I don't know.  I have to find a different way to deal with it.

I got on the scale this morning (I haven't done that since Friday or Saturday, I guess).  It was up a bit.  It kind of took me by surprise.  I would have expected to be up after the weekend, but I have had two pretty good days since then.  It could be any number of bodily processes that caused it, so I am trying not to worry about it.  But it didn't improve my state of mind any.  Still, I have the fight in me at this moment to want to get through this.

I really wanted to call in today, but I hate to call in.  This headache situation is really getting me down.  But I could think of a few things that really needed to get done today, so calling in didn't seem like a great idea.  I decided not to do that.  So there was nothing left to do but get up and get ready for work.  It was just tough this morning.

I work almost every day with a headache, so I obviously can do it.  I have learned to cope.  But every once in a while, it feels like I lose my ability to cope with it and I need a day to stop and regroup.  So I don't feel bad about calling in about it every once in a while.  I wanted to explain because you never know who might read my blog.  If I ever do call in about it, I think about what is expected to go on that day, whether it would cause a big problem for me to be out, and try not to do it on a day when it would be a big burden.  But sometimes I just can't cope with it anymore and I need to take a day off.

Later

So I wrote all that early this morning.  I was trying to think of what I was really struggling with and what I needed to do to take care of myself, other than eat.

I’m going to get real here.  Some may question the wisdom of that, but maybe putting myself out there will help someone.  I have to have a way to get things out of me, and this is it.

Bottom line, I am fighting a lot of “demons” right now.  When you try to change your lifestyle, you have to find new ways to deal with things.  I have spent my life stuffing a lot of feelings down with food.  If I take that away, I start allowing myself to feel things and have to deal with them in a different way.  I think that is part of where this is coming from.

Big confession coming.  It will seem small to a lot of you, and I have talked around it a lot before, but this one has a lot of stuff tied up in it.  Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?  Guilt is feeling remorse over something you did.  You confess it, apologize, whatever, and you go on.  Shame is feeling like what you did makes you a horrible person.

I have always been organizationally challenged.  Let’s face it, at times, I can be a real slob.  It is hard for me to confess because there is so much shame tied up in that for me.  I may appear to laugh it off, but I have always felt like a low-class person because of this, among other things.  (Of course, it could be the other way around.  I already felt like a second-class person, and this was just a symptom of it.)  Anyway, I always wished I was different.  I wanted to be one of those people who kept a beautiful home and was really organized.  But I was never able to walk that out in years past.  One time, some years back, a family member said something that caused a light to come on.  Unconsciously, I was waiting for God (or something magical) to zap me and suddenly make me a good housekeeper.  It never occurred to me that I had the power to make it happen.  What I needed to do was get up and clean house.  Simple, huh?  But it was a revelation to me.

I improved over the years, but still struggle with it.  I know there are many other factors, like how much I work, my physical limitations, etc., but bottom line, I am not walking this out.  I don’t like the way I feel when things are a mess.  (And I don’t mean they have to be perfect.)  This issue makes me feel like a low-class person.  It also keeps me isolated, because I don’t want to have anyone over, and the thought of getting married again until this is under better control doesn’t sound inviting.  And I don’t really want to marry someone who doesn’t care about that and is the same way or worse.  But, as I said, it is a vicious circle.  If you feel like a low-class person, why would you do things to take care of yourself?  You have to love yourself to really take care of yourself.  There is a lot imbedded in this area with me.

I used to think I was extremely lazy.  I no longer feel that way.  I am a hard worker in many ways.  But this area is a big challenge to me.  I don’t know why.  Now that my kids have gone out on their own and I live by myself, and I am not working as much all the time as I have the last 5 years or so, I have more time to focus on a lot of things.  And this is a big one for me.  I am really working on it.  But it is something I fall back into all too easily.  It’s like maintaining your weight after a lifetime of being obese.  You can never let your guard down.  I can sit around too much one evening and my bedroom looks like a tornado went through it.

So, back to this morning.  I had intended last night to do a couple of things that were bothering me (pet maintenance stuff and messes they had made).  I had written them down as things I “absolutely” wanted to get done yesterday.  But then I ended up working until 8:45, came home and by the time I had eaten, etc., I was ready for bed.  (Plus I was struggling with wanting to eat off-plan last night, so I went to bed to get away from the cravings.)  This morning, those things I had not gotten done were really bothering me, underneath.  I hadn’t put my finger on it – I just knew I was feeling frustrated and unsatisfied.  When I realized that was what was bothering me, I decided to call in to work and tell them I would be late.  I was already struggling with a headache, so I was being honest.  I got those couple of things done and it helped a lot.  Cleaning was what I needed to do to take care of myself right then.  It satisfied me.  Eating to comfort myself would not have done it.  I felt like that was a big breakthrough.

Whew.  You will never know how hard all of that was to confess.  But just another day in this journey.  There are so many things tied up in why we have a weight problem.  In the future, I am going to try to look at cleaning house as something I do to be good to myself.  Because I feel so peaceful and at rest when things are clean and tidy.  It is very therapeutic for me.  I think that is why I have had trouble improving in the past.  It was something I felt like I had to do so people wouldn’t think badly of me.  So my response to that was just to shut other people out.  But if it is something I do for myself, because it makes me happy, that is a whole different motivation.

Lunch today was a bowl of Potbelly chili.  I had some Pop Chips with that.  I had some baby carrots for my veggie and some Light & Fit Greek yogurt.  I was trying to think of what I was really hungry for, so hopefully I would be more satisfied.  I really wanted something like a big, juicy hamburger.  I knew that wasn’t a good choice, so went with the chili.  A salad or other kind of sandwich just didn’t sound like what I wanted today.

I still have the munchies a lot.  I don’t know if it is because of withdrawal (still trying to do that, although I have had to take some unplanned doses a couple of times when the headache was more than I could cope with) or if it is because I have been eating too much for the last 3 weeks and my appetite has to adjust.  I try to think why I am wanting to eat.  Sometimes I am feeling a little empty and realize I haven’t drank any water, so drink some down.  That does help.  Other times I try to eat raw veggies or some fruit, if I don’t feel I have the points to spend.  Last night’s “dinner” was a little “carb-y” since I worked so late.  I just had some popcorn and a couple of crackers with a little Nutella.  Probably need more protein.  I think a lot of it is emotional, though.  As I said, I am dealing with a lot of “demons” right now.  But at least my motivation has picked up.

I should not have to work late, since Jerry is out of town.  I was going to go to choir practice, but they are working on a big production to be performed a week from Sunday.  Since I have missed out on the other rehearsals, I don’t think I will be ready to sing with them.  Plus Cas really needs some good walking – he is too feisty right now – so I think I will wait until after that production before I go back.  Singing also tends to set off a bad headache.  L  I may have to talk more about the headaches tomorrow.  I’m trying to think that situation out.

Later

I tried to hold it together tonight, but it didn't go so well.  Toward the end of the evening, I realized I was in full-blown withdrawal.  I thought I took my medication this morning, but I guess not.  I had to take a warm bath to get my restless legs to settle down enough to be comfortable  and I was having a lot of cramps in my legs and feet.  I took some potassium to help with that.  No wonder I lost it on the food.  :(  I'm going to do a protein bar day tomorrow to minimize the damage.

I felt like I had some breakthroughs today.  I wish I had held it together on the food.  It is really tough right now.

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