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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Breakthrough Morning -- Getting Started Again

Yesterday's post, which again did not go through for some reason.  Must be my computer at home.

This is breakthrough morning (because I decided it was going to be).  My alarm went off at 5:30 a.m.  I lay there for a while (until a little before 6:00).  That is planned.  I don't want to have to jump out of bed as soon as my alarm goes off.

I woke up hungry, so ate a banana first thing.  I wanted more to eat than I ate last night, and it was a challenge to stop, but I did.  After the banana, Cas and I went out fairly immediately for our morning walk.  I got back to my loft and knew, this is the morning I need to get back to doing a workout.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to do -- my recumbent bike or get on the treadmill at the fitness center.  But today was all about just getting started again.  I didn't want to have to push it too much and I didn't want to feel any pressure by someone else being in the gym, so I decided the recumbent bike in my living room was best.  I did 22-23 minutes and a total of 3.88 miles.  A pretty slow pace and a weird amount of time, but that is when I got on the bike and my plan was to stop at 7:00 a.m.  Of course, now that I am done, it feels good to have done it.  Why I was having such a big mental block about this, I don't know.  I don't think it is completely over, but pushing past it the first time is the most difficult.

More later.  Time to get ready for work.

Later

I was thinking this morning that this recent struggle started after I went on the date with the guy.  I don’t know if it was all because of that or not.  I do know certain things began to come up after that.  I don’t know if that means I am not ready for a new relationship, or how much of that was attributable to the guy.  The more I talked to him, when he seemed to be making it clear that he did not want to date and talked about how much he seemed to get in situations where he is in the role of helping people (often women) overcome things from their past, the more it bugged me.  I felt like he had made a decision to take me on as a “project” and I didn’t want to be his project.  I found myself avoiding him.  To tell you the truth, that seemed to me like he was pretty full of himself.  He has expressed confusion over the fact that we were not spending as much time together as he anticipated.  I said it was not him, just things I was going through right now.  But now that I think about it, maybe it was more of a reaction to him.  I saw him Sunday at church and he talked about this new woman he was “seeing” and introduced me to a woman he used to date, but they broke up because she “had so many issues to overcome from her previous marriage.”  Between you and me, I could see issues with that woman just during that short introduction.  We were at the lunch with the Sunday school class, which this ex-girlfriend had told him about and he decided to come.  He found himself sitting near her and this man she was with.  That felt awkward, so he was glad I was there so he could come talk to me and get away from that.  Doesn’t sound too healthy to me.  I think I am going to trust my instincts on this.  Instead of feeling like I still have so many problems, and I don’t need to be looking for a relationship, I think I am going to listen to my gut that this guy has plenty of problems of his own.  Not that we can’t be friends, but I don’t want any more than that.  I am probably more emotionally healthy than he is.  I need to start having more confidence in myself than that.  I shouldn’t feel bad because he doesn’t “want me,” when in actuality, I don’t want him!  Not like that, anyway.

So I am going to put that to rest and start building my confidence again.

I was successful last night in that I did chores throughout the evening, in the midst of watching my DVR recordings.  There will be times when I will want to not stick to that rule, but I am going to keep practicing that until better habits form.

I also want to spend more time reading than I have been.  I love to read a good book and haven’t been doing that much during the last two or three years.  Perhaps it is working so many hours that makes me not want to do that after 12 hours of sitting at a computer a lot of days.  But when I get into it, I really love to read and I want to get back in that habit.

I bought an ActiveLink at my last WW meeting.  It tracks your activity by gauging your “forward momentum” and translates it into points.  I am still in the assessment phase.  It gets a baseline activity level for a week and then starts setting small goals to increase your activity level every week.  I have heard a lot of good things about it.

Given how much good my little talk to myself did yesterday morning, I think I need to have those more often -- plan a few minutes for thinking things over and reminding myself what I really want and encouraging myself to keep working.  The goal is to find whatever motivates me at the time and use it.

I was thinking a few minutes ago that I should start making use of the pool at the lofts.  My immediate thought is I don’t want to be seen in my swimsuit.  But I could take some late evening swims and get going that way.  The part of my body I “don’t like” the most is my belly.  If my belly didn’t stick out so much, I would feel so much better.  Although way too big all over, at least I have a fair amount of tone in my arms and legs.  I need to find some toning exercises to do in the water.  On that note, I looked online and found some suggestions.  I am printing them out and am going to put them into practice soon.  These should be good for me right now, since they will be much less hard on my joints in the pool.  I wonder if my swimsuit still fits?  I bought it when I was about 50 pounds heavier, not to mention I had a breast reduction, so I am guessing not.  J

I am doing pretty well on my withdrawal.  The main problem is I have a moderate headache all the time.  This may be a rebound headache in response to the withdrawal.  As long as it is only moderate, I can cope, and I will try treating it through more normal means (Anacin works pretty well, sometimes).  I have to be careful, though, because that is hard on your stomach.  My other pain issues are doing fairly well, although I did have some knee pain this morning after the recumbent bike workout.  Most of my pain is arthritis-like – something a lot of people my age have to deal with.  I am trying to keep the neck and shoulders calmed down with muscle relaxants.

As the day progressed, the headache became one of those tough ones that comes from my neck surgery.  I may have to take some pain med to get it to settle down.  L  But I am trying not to do that.  I went home for lunch and closed my eyes for a bit, in hopes it would settle down a bit.  It did help some and I did not take any pain med.

I struggled a little bit at lunch.  My stomach was growling.  I had a protein bar at about 10:45, but by 1:00, I was hungry.  I ate a bowl of beans and decided I would just have that instead of my afternoon protein bar.  I want to get things moving again, and keep them moving for a while and get into those clothes in my closet once and for all.  At 3:00, as I am writing this, I am doing okay.  I was tempted to go get a handful of peanuts from my friend’s jar in her office, but the calories on those add up so fast.  I didn’t.

I am so looking forward to the day when I am not so tired and draggy.  I have noticed, however, that I am a little less sleepy this week, since I have been withdrawing from the medicine.  However, I still don’t have much energy.  I know that will come as I work out more and get my weight down, but right now, when I have this much weight to drag around, is when I feel like I need it.  I just have to push through.

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