Search This Blog

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Analyzing Myself

Despite what I said yesterday – that as long as I don’t gain weight during this time of withdrawal, that will be a victory – that is not what I really want.  It could take 2-3 months to finish withdrawal (hopefully not, but it is possible), and I don’t want to be stalled all that time.  So, I am going to try my best to get going again.

Last night I planned and tracked on WW exactly what I was going to eat today.  Here is my plan:

Breakfast:  protein bar (6 points) and 1 banana (0 points)

Lunch:  Subway chicken sandwich on skinny wheat with cheddar, veggies and honey mustard (11 points), 1 pkg. Barbecue Pop Chips (2 points) and 2 small peaches (0 points) (the peaches are very small)

Dinner:  Subway barbecue chicken sandwich on skinny wheat with veggies (no condiment) (9 points), 1 pkg. of Barbecue Pop Chips (2 points) and 1 cup fresh pineapple

Evening Snack:  4 cups oil popped popcorn with salt (4 points)

Total:  34 points (my daily target)

I will post at the end of the day how well I stuck with this, good or bad.  I can have some raw veggies with lunch and dinner if I feel like I want/need them.

I did not work out this morning.  The main reason for that was, for some reason, Cas started whining at 3:00 in the morning and didn’t stop until about 5:00, when I stumbled to the bathroom and decided to give him a little something to eat.  After that, he settled down and slept.  I overslept because of that.  I think he messed around and let Aslan (the cat) eat his dinner last night (he was more interested in what I was eating at the time, and when he went back, Azzie had eaten his food).  Funny how Azzie often turns up his nose at his own food, but always wants Caspian’s.  And Cas always wants the cat’s food (which I usually won’t let him have), if Azzie hasn’t eaten it.  Anyway, I didn’t sleep much from 3:00 to 5:30, so I ended up not getting up until almost 7:00.  No time for a workout.

I think I am going to do a “no sugar” week (which means no desserts, candy, etc.).  I don’t care about incidental sugar right now.  I am going to make it a goal to stay away from it (except what is in my protein bars, I guess) until weekend after next, just to break the pattern I have been in.  The only time in my life I lost all my weight and was pretty much at goal (I got down to 135, which is good for me, being 5’7” and not small-boned) was when I did not eat sugar at all (again, meaning desserts, etc. – not incidental sugar).  I stayed off of it for 3 years.  I got very practiced at saying no, and when I didn’t eat it, I didn’t crave it.  Like an idiot, I let someone talk me into eating something sweet, and that did it.  I craved it all the time and slowly but surely put all my weight back on and more.  Granted, I was 20 years old at the time (when I started), with a better metabolism, so I would have to do more than that now to lose weight.  That may be where I have to end up, but I am not ready to throw in the towel yet on being able to have sweets on select occasions.  It seems like I have never really gotten on a good roll since I switched from Medifast to WW.  I was at a plateau, and didn’t pass it until I did several days of just protein bars.  I haven’t had a good week without having days of protein bars since then.  I want to get on a healthy eating plan where I am losing without doing something drastic (I consider Medifast kind of drastic; it is not a long-term eating plan).  It served its purpose, but I don’t want to have to do that forever.

That plan is going to have to include more exercise, so I really need to get going.  I think when I go to the doctor, I am going to talk to her about an anti-inflammatory, as well as the antidepressant.  I am having arthritic pain without the pain meds, and hopefully that would help.

I tried on my swimsuit last night.  It is big, but I could probably wear it a bit until I lose more (I could probably tighten up the elastic in the waist).  I think I have a swimsuit in the bins in my closet that belonged to one of my daughters.  The only thing is, it is not a great quality one, but I am not as big busted as I used to be (after my breast reduction surgery), so it might be okay, as little as I swim.  Of course, that could change – meaning, maybe I will end up swimming a lot.  But I would rather not spend $70-100 on a swimsuit that I am just passing through.  I am going to buy a “noodle” for the pool this weekend, which you need to do the exercises I found on the internet.  My plan would be to swim in the evening when the sun is going down, so I will feel less conspicuous.  Actually, my swimsuit covers the areas I feel most conspicuous about (my upper thighs and belly).  I am going to make it a goal to give it a try before the weekend is over.

I went home for lunch and stopped by Subway for my sandwich, as planned.  The only variation there was that they didn’t have Pop Chips, so I got baked Lays, which have 1 more point than the Pop Chips.  I will either adjust the amount of popcorn I have this evening, or adjust my dinner by not having chips then and adding something else that only has 1 point (perhaps a veggie with some added healthy fat).  I did have some grapes late morning.  Since fruit is 0 points on WW, I was okay with that.  I may want to watch that later on, but I’m okay with it while trying to get back on a good track.  I also had a few baby carrots with my lunch.

Did I mention yesterday that the Judge continued the trial date on our case that was going to trial in less than 2 weeks?  It has been reset until November, so that is not hanging over me.  I’m so glad I have a little slack to deal with the other stuff in my life right now.  I have made a request for a doctor’s appointment, hopefully next Tuesday or Wednesday.  I want to get on the antidepressant and, hopefully, an anti-inflammatory.

I feel some better today mood-wise.  I think having a plan helped.  However, if I did not HAVE to go to work, I would be having a very hard time getting myself out of the house.  That is true most every day.  I was doing a little research online about what antidepressant might be best for my particular symptoms.  I know I do not want to take Cymbalta.  I took that before and it made me feel funny, and it was one of the worst medications ever to withdraw from.  In the midst of reading about this, I started reading about avoidant personality disorder.  I worry about my reclusiveness sometimes.  Here are the characteristics of avoidant personality disorder:

  • Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
  • Self-imposed social isolation
  • Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
  • Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Severe low self-esteem
  • Self-loathing
  • Mistrust of others
  • Emotional distancing related to intimacy
  • Highly self-conscious
  • Self-critical about their problems relating to others
  • Problems in occupational functioning
  • Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
  • Feeling inferior to others
  • In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
  • Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts
The interesting thing about this is, at one time, I had many of these characteristics.  That would be towards the end of my marriage.  I was diagnosed with Battered Wife Syndrome.  Though I had some tendencies before my marriage, the abuse that was done made them so much worse.  Since my divorce, I have worked very hard to get well, and I see many of these things have “disappeared” or have lessened so much that they are almost not there.  Self-imposed social isolation would be the one that is the strongest.  But I no longer feel shy or anxious in social situations.  Once I get out there, I am fine.  I have no problem talking to people anymore.  I am a little sensitive to rejection, but I see that improving.  It dawned on me recently – why am I so worried about whether someone liked me or wanted a relationship with me – I realized I didn’t really want the relationship.  It’s like I never gave that any thought before.  I do have some feelings of inadequacy, but this is improving.  On down in the article, it listed a characteristic of being unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.  I can identify with that, although I would not have come up with that description on my own.  Now, when I see things about myself I don’t like or that cause me to feel inadequate, I proactively work to improve them.  I used to sit around wishing I was different.  Over time, I realized I was wasting my life, waiting for some magical thing to happen and I would be different, when really, I need to get up and starting BEing different.  If you want to be a good housekeeper and you are not, you get up and you start cleaning house, over and over.  I am very proactive about things like that these days.  I do tend to distance myself emotionally when someone does not treat me well.  But I think that is healthy.  You don’t keep your hand on the fire and let it keep burning you!  I sometimes do feel inferior to others, but that’s where my proactive attitude comes out these days.  If something is making me feel like a second-class person, I start trying to change the behavior that is making me feel that way.  It’s the behavior that is the problem, not me, the person.  I do tend to escape.  I think that is why I watch too much television.  I am trying to work on that.  I think the purpose of the antidepressant would be to help me be proactive as I am working on these things.  This exercise has helped me see how far I have come!

The biggest thing I want to overcome, emotionally, is my tendency to hide.  That is what makes me be reclusive.  Home is the safe haven where no one can hurt me.  But it gets lonely.  I think being overweight can be a form of hiding.  We use the excess pounds to hold people at arm’s length.  I have to pull down that feeling of wanting to hide.  No one is perfect.  I just need to continue to work on things I want to improve about myself and don’t worry about the rest.  If someone else doesn’t like it, then I don’t want to be close to them anyway.

I went to get my sandwich for dinner and they didn't have what I planned (barbecue chicken is for a limited time only), so I got the same thing I had for lunch, but no chips.  The rest of what I ate was as planned.  I cannot say I don't want to eat, but I do not feel hungry, anyway.  Tonight I want to stay on plan more than I want to eat.

I have to take my daughter for a medical test tomorrow to see if another blockage is developing.  I leave the office at 2:00.  They said the test could potentially take several hours, but hopefully not.  I need to plan for that.  I will be sitting around my second home for last summer -- same hospital Stephanie was in both times.

This post has gone on long enough, so I will close.  Now to plan what I will eat tomorrow....


  1. "Tonight I want to stay on plan more than I want to eat." Not hungry, just feeling that eating feeling. Good insights and good job being true to both your body and your goals.

    1. Thanks Michelle. I was glad to see you had a better day yesterday!


I welcome your comments and read every one! However, if you are trying to sell me or my readers something, your comment will be deleted posthaste. Thanks for reading my blog and I hope you receive encouragement from it. --Sheryl