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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Positive Day On the Books

Oops!  Thought I posted this last night and it didn't go through!


I gave myself a talking to when first waking up this morning, before getting out of bed.  It was too late for a workout then, but I was forcing myself to think about my behavior of the last 2-3 weeks and what I can do to get out of this rut;  I am depressed, largely because of the withdrawal (I think), but I have to work on treating that.

I want to go to the doctor to get on an antidepressant for a while, but I don’t want to go to the doctor and get on the scale.  I am going to try to undo some of my damage this week and then try to make some time next week.  There are doctors near downtown and I am going to try to find me one near downtown so it is easier to go, than driving all the way back to Midlothian.

I am watching way too much television.  At the same time, I am working a lot of hours.  So, right now my “rule” is that I can watch television as long as the loft is clean.  If it is not clean, then I have to at least be cleaning while I am watching.  I often watch and get up and work in commercials, often pausing the programming to extend the time I need to get a chore done.  I am giving myself permission to do this, for now.

One thing I know, I feel so much more positive when things are clean and neat.  So this will help my mental state.

I also feel much better about myself when I am working out, so, tomorrow I am going to get at least a short workout on the recumbent bike or treadmill or something.  I don’t know why the mental block lately, but I have to break through.  I also must take Cas for his evening walk, which needs to be a longer one – but  at least a usual walk to the park down the street so he can get some time outside.

I have been caught in a vicious circle lately, and it is going to take some fight to break out of it.  These are things I can think of that will help.

I did go to church and class yesterday, sat with some new friends at church and went to lunch with the class.  I had a good time.  The rest of the day wasn’t very productive – I was a little bummed because all the cleaning I had done Saturday was largely undone.  My daughter stayed the night with her rambunctious dog and that stilted my progress on the cleaning.  But I must push through these things.  I have to, or I am going to spend the rest of my life in front of the television, largely alone, because I know no one else would want to live with me when I am like this.  Or so I tell myself.


I don’t know what the difference is, but I am starting to feel a little better.  Just the talk with myself this morning seems to be helping.  But we will see how I get through the day.  I will feel so much better when I am back on track.  I have been floundering for the last few weeks.  I guess that is going to happen every once in a while.
I am feeling better with the present method of withdrawal.  I am taking a half dose morning and evening.  I will do that for 2-3 weeks and then take it to just one half-dose in the evening.  If it is bothering me too much, I will draw it out a little longer.  I have been on these things a long, long time.  I have a full bottle, which will last a long time with this method, so I can take as long as needed.

Concerning the things I talked to myself about this morning, sometimes I have to look at it as treatment or therapy for myself, just like other kinds of treatment, like going to the doctor, taking my medication, etc.  Exercise is the best antidepressant I know, but I have been having trouble making myself do that, so if I am not taking the “medication,” it doesn’t help.  I don’t know why this feels like such a big thing right now.  Just like getting out of the house feels like a big thing lately.  That is why I want to get on an antidepressant for a few months.
I know keeping my loft clean makes me feel much better, but when I get like this, it is like making myself do it is more than I can muster sometimes, especially when I am working so many hours.  That is why working during the commercials helps.  Cleaning for an hour or two seems too much to tackle, but getting up and cleaning for 2-3 minutes while watching favorite shows is doable.  And that often gets me going where I will do a lot more than that.  It is getting started that is the hard part, most of the time.  But keeping the loft clean is something to do for myself because it improves my disposition so much.  It makes me feel like I’m a second-class person when things are a mess.

My daughters are fighting and that is really frustrating me.  I understand both “sides” and I really don’t want to have to mediate.  I hate to see a big rift forming over petty things.
I went home for lunch today – the first time in about 3 weeks.  I am not walking Cas during lunch during the really hot days.  It is just too much for me right now.  But at least I take him out to potty, get a break from work, and got a little cleaning done.

There are several reasons I have not posted as much lately.  Part of it is I have been so busy at work, there has been no time to get my thoughts down while I am here; second is my laptop bit the dust and Cas raises a big fuss when I sit at my desktop at home, so it’s easier just not to; and third, I am sure, has been my mental state and the fact that I have not been doing very well and it’s easier to post about the triumphs than the failures.  But it is all part of the transforming process.  I do better when I am posting, and things are not quite as bad at work this week, so I will try to keep up with it a little better, if only for my own sake.
I was reading Michelle’s blog about her latest half-marathon.  I long for the day when I can give some kind of race report on something like that.  (Guess I am going to have to actually work out before that is in the realm of possibility.  :p)  Michelle is a big inspiration to me.  I’m behind on reading blogs and need to set aside time daily to do it, because they really are encouraging to me, just like watching weight loss makeovers on TV is.

One rule I really need to make for myself is about sweets.  I need to never eat sweets unless it is dessert after a meal at a planned time, or something like that.  Never, ever should I be eating candy or random sweets.  They are too much of an addiction to me.  The trouble is, when I am not in “the zone,” I am likely to ignore rules like this.  Practice makes perfect?  There may come a time when I have to say I just cannot eat sweets.  But I am not ready to do that yet.
I have been eating protein bars today, but I think I will eat a light dinner tonight – kind of like Medifast Lean & Green after having MF meals all day.

I'm home now, so going to eat that dinner (some baked chicken, some pinto beans I made, and need to make a veggie).  Then I will take Cas for his walk (when it has cooled down a little) and I will do chores while watching my shows.

That's it for today.  I will be happy to get a positive day on the books.

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