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Sunday, June 16, 2013

100 Days

I didn't do so well today.  I have to get back on track.  It was an extremely busy day.  I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, so got up and did some work around the house, then got ready and went to church with my daughters.  After church, we went to eat at the restaurant where my son works.  It's a kind of high end steak house(by our standards).  I didn't try to eat like I was on a "diet."  They have a great salad bar, so I had a salad, plus oso buco (sp?) with mashed potatoes, plus one popover (which is their signature bread).

We were running late for the Rangers game, so we hurried to the game.  It was hot!  I was pretty much roasting in the sun for a while.  Fortunately I had put on some sunscreen and it did its job, I didn't get burned.  I would have otherwise -- I am very fair skinned.  The only thing I ate at the ballgame was a Lemon Chill.  It was so hot, I needed something cold.

I got home somewhere around 6:00.  I was so worn out.  There is lots of walking when going to a Rangers game, plus the hours in the hot sun.  We stopped and got something to drink on the way home.  I didn't choose wisely.  I wanted something carbonated so bad and got a big cherry Sprite.  My eating went downhill from there.

Here's the deal.  My niece and former brother-in-law were at the game, and my daughters went and found them at their seats.  My niece is getting married on October 4.   I can go to the wedding if I want to.  The thing is, I will most certainly see my ex when there.  I really wanted to look good by the time I see him again.  So I have 100 days to get whatever done I can, if I choose to go. 100 days.  I will make a decision then if I want to go, but I am going to use it as motivation to get as much as I can done by then.  This is a big anchor (as WW calls it) for me.  For it to be obvious the next time I see him how much I have changed.  I left an abusive marriage with a diagnosis of Battered Wife Syndrome.  I had a husband who told me often enough that he was ashamed of me, etc. that I could never forget it.  The image I want to present next time I see him is not only an outward thing.  But I want it to be obvious that I know I am a beautiful, confident, worthy woman.  You can look at my before picture to see the way I looked when I left my marriage.  I had so little confidence in myself.  I want it to be obvious that I am not that same person.  That I am so much better now, inside and out.  And so much happier.  Because I am.  I just need my outside to catch up with my inside.

I talked to my pastor's wife from my old church today.  I asked her if she remembered the time shortly after my divorce when she sat down beside me before a gathering.  I said hello to her, but I was so shy and so drawn into myself, I sat there like a bump on a log and couldn't even have a conversation with her.  We talked about how much I had changed -- something she recognized.  I am writing a new history of my life.  That's what she said.

So, 100 days.  I want to make the most of them.  Then I will see if I am ready for this meeting.  I may not be.  But I am going to prepare for it.

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