Sunday, June 30, 2013
Before the end of this week, I was off one day and on the next. I couldn't seem to stick with anything, as far as eating goes. I am trying something that worked for me years ago. Usually, I would want to take some days to prepare for this, but that doesn't work, oftentimes. So I jumped in last Sunday and started without any buildup to it. I wanted to see how it went for a few days before I posted about it.
When I was 19, I was trying, yet again, to lose some weight. I didn't start out planning to do this, but at some point my goal became to not eat sugar. When I say that, I mean desserts and candy, etc., not "incidental" sugar (there is sugar in almost anything you buy these days). After I had been doing this for a while (maybe 3 weeks or so), I realized my cravings for sugar had all but disappeared and my appetite in general had kind of regulated itself. I stayed off sugar for 3 years. I got down to very small for me -- I weighed 135, which at 5'7" and not small boned, is pretty good. It was a loss of 60-65 pounds. I also began walking a lot during some part of this time period. I walked around our park in our small town, up and around the baseball fields, through a certain neighborhood, around the high school, and back home again. I estimate it was somewhere around 5 miles and I did it most every day. It was kind of a social thing, sometimes, too, since I saw people I knew at the baseball fields. When the weather started getting colder that year (and I also want through a heartbreak in a relationship), I stopped walking so much and gained a little bit back. But I stayed somewhere around 20 pounds or so from my low during that 3-year period I was off sugar (was above that, at times, but never near where I started). I got very practiced at saying no to sweets and I didn't give it a second thought. It was not hard after I broke the addiction. I didn't go into this with any knowledge, this is just what happened.
Right now, if I binge, it is usually going to be on sweets. I might overeat from time to time on other foods, but binges are always on sweets. Sometimes I try to think of what sweet I could eat that would satisfy me. But there is nothing. No matter what it is, if I eat it, I will want more. And more...and more. It is never enough. I have had so much trouble staying on track lately, I started thinking this is what I need to do. So I have not eaten any sweets since Saturday before last. I have done pretty well -- no huge battles -- but I am not naïve enough to think there won't be any.
Since I decided to do this, I feel like I have gotten some "confirmation" that this is what I should do. I started following a new blog, and ran across this post. It is very long, but it kind of reinforced what I had been thinking. I am not planning to do her detox plan, unless I start having problems. So far, I am doing pretty well. The other confirmation was an e-mail with this article. This is the author of a book I read a while back, The Blood Sugar Solution, so it is not a surprising that he says this, but I have not been checking these e-mails for months, and my eyes just happened to fall on this one.
So this is my plan, and I have 8 days under my belt. I am doing a little better overall on my eating. I am sure my battle is not over, but in a few weeks, I should be through the worst of it and I hope my appetite will regulate itself. I cannot think about that I will never eat sweets again; I just have to think I will not eat them today. But to have any long-term success, which is the whole goal, I think this is my best chance for success. And I do not want to lose this weight and then gain it all back again. I have to change my lifestyle.
I saw this post from Joyce Meyer (a well-know minister who went through a childhood of abuse and whom I identify with a lot): Don't expect your life to change if you are not willing to change the way you live.--Joyce Meyer. This is so where I am right now. I do want my life to change, so I am working on changing the way I live. And this getting free from sugar addiction is a big one. I think it will make a huge difference.
Incidentally, I started eating sugar again when a friend convinced me to try some of her Christmas goodies she had made using honey. I knew better. It wasn't long until I was eating one thing, then another, then another, and pretty soon I was addicted again. I know better, but I let her talk me into it. She was feeling sorry for me because it was Christmas-time and I "couldn't" eat any goodies. It wasn't bothering me. I know one Christmas week during this 3-year period I lost 4 pounds. That was so much better than stuffing myself on all those Christmas goodies. People who do not have this problem do not understand that sugar addiction is just as real as any other addiction. You wouldn't try to convince an alcoholic to drink just one drink, saying one drink won't hurt you. An addict knows that one drink is all it takes. And that is the way I am with sugar.
So, that is the plan. This is not all I will have to do, by any means, but I hope it will greatly reduce the crashing and burning I have been repeating over and over lately. Already, I feel a little better in control. I hope to get to the place in the next few weeks where saying no is my immediate response and I don't think any more about it. I chose life, health, wholeness, sanity, etc. over being controlled by food.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
After the doctor, I went to get new tires put on my car. This may be the first time I have bought four tires at the same time. These should last as long as my car, since it is getting up in years and I average less than 25 miles a week on the road, thanks to living a 5-minute walk from my work. I would love to be able to get my car painted in the not-too-distant future. I also need to fix the passenger side mirror which got broken when a woman forced my son to swerve into a construction barrier. That and a good detailing, and the car would look fairly decent for being 8 years old. It took 3 hours to get the tires done, which was trying on my patience (and every other customer's there, too). Not exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday, but it needed to be done. I was concerned every time I got out in my car that I was going to have a flat.
After that, I went and got a few groceries. Actually, more than a few. I can't seem to master this buying groceries for one thing. But between that, what I buy for my pets and drinking SF Red Bulls regularly, it adds up quick. I really need to kick that habit, but as long as I am having to take medication that makes me so sleepy, I have a feeling I am not going to get that done.
I finally got home after 4:00. Bringing in groceries at the loft is quite a chore. There are a lot of doors to go through, so multiple trips is not fun. I have a basket I could use, but it is not very efficient either. I need to find a better one. After all that I am worn out. But being this busy is better for my appetite -- less time to think about eating.
Breakfast this morning was a peanut butter sandwich (2 slices light bread with 2 T. peanut butter). Lunch was a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries at Braum's. It was the only place close to the place where I got the tires. At least I stayed away from the ice cream, etc., which, of course, is what Braum's is known for. When I got home I had some grapes and a few crackers with peanut butter. For dinner I had some French toast made from reduced calorie bread, spread with some SF jelly, scrambled eggs and 2 slices of bacon. I had some more fruit during the evening, and that was it for today. I used weekly points, but I tracked everything. Today is the beginning of a new week.
I haven't gotten nearly enough done today, but I was worn out when I got home. I did put away all the groceries and did some picking up around the loft (but need to do a lot more). My tummy is giving me fits this evening, for some reason. Maybe it was the Celebrex? The prescription anti-inflammatory I got is not Celebrex, but she did give me some samples since I told her it worked well for me in the past. However, it does not have a generic and I had to take that into consideration. If I find it works for me better than the other (which is Meloxicam) after taking the samples and I felt it was worth the cost, I am sure she would change it if I asked her to.
I gave Cas a meaty bone to chew on, and when he is not chewing on it he is either trying to bury it or walking around with it in his mouth and whining. I wonder what that means?
That's it for today. Hoping to be able to report a positive weekend on the eating front this time. Night all!
Friday, June 28, 2013
I am doing protein bars for breakfast and lunch today. I will be eating out tonight, so I want to have
more points available this evening. I am going to a Barry Manilow concert with a friend. She was
originally going with her sister, but her sister can’t make it, so she invited me. It should be fun!
I have a busier weekend planned than I normally like. I need to get new tires on my car, and I am
having to drive a ways to my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, so I want to get the new tires before my appointment at 11:00. I don’t want to take any chance of having a flat on my way. One or two of my tires look pretty bad. My son was using my car for about a year, so I wasn’t paying attention to that kind of thing. I also need to get my oil changed. Then there is grocery shopping and cleaning, and church on Sunday. I also need to take Cas to the dog park for some much-needed exercise. I should either walk or ride my bike there to give him a chance to really work off some pent-up energy. I need to do this sometime in the morning or the evening, not mid-day when it is the hottest.
I need to take my bike to a bike shop. My chain is loose and comes off too easily. Someone said the
wheel just needs moving back. The wire that controls the gears is also too tight, so I am not able to use all my gears.
I need to stop being “afraid” to spend too much time away from home. Home feels like the “safe” place to be, but I don’t think it is always the best place for me – or at least being alone at home is not the best thing for me. It probably contributes to my depression. I have always felt that if I am not home enough, I don’t feel rested. Getting out and doing things can be resting (since it is time away from my job) too. But I always feel a little crazy if I am not home “enough.” What enough is, I don’t know. I need to get over it. This is a big thing for me to face and get over. It has controlled me too much in my lifetime. Of course, that is part of the reason for the doctor’s appointment and part of the reason I want to be on an antidepressant for a while – to get some help with the anxiety while I am trying to forge new habits and thought patterns. Please tell me it can be done. Spending the rest of my life in front of the television doesn’t sound too satisfying.
I think I have done well enough this week to at least not have gained any weight, or maybe even to have eked out a tiny loss, but that is not going to get me where I want to be when October 5 gets here. I really hope the antidepressant helps. I am going to give myself a pep talk and purpose to get up and do some kind of workout Monday morning, no matter what. That means getting out of bed on time. It’s hard while taking these muscle relaxants, but I can do it if I want it bad enough. Someone told me yesterday it looked like I was losing weight, but I didn’t believe her. It’s always nice to hear, though. But it's time to buckle down and get serious.
I think it might be a good plan to try to limit my TV watching. Even if I am home alone, I need to do
something else. Of course, there is the cleaning, and I can do some reading. I need to do things that
make me feel more productive and, therefore, more satisfied, even if they are not very active things
(yet). I want to get to the place where there are a lot more active things in my schedule. With the heat
of the Texas summers, it is hard to motivate myself for much that is outdoors, at least during the day. But it is not so bad in the evening. And I could use the pool some during the day, if I take care not to get burned.
I’m doing better today on drinking my water. That is probably one of the keys to improving my appetite problems.
On the headache front, I am cautiously saying it is a little better today. I do have a headache, but it is not quite as incessant as it has been.
I’m going to give a mini report on what I have been trying to do this week. My goal has been to not eat sweets, meaning desserts, candy, etc. I have not had any sweets Sunday through now. I will go into more detail about that plan if I keep this up. I’m so flaky right now, I don’t want to do that.
I'm home from the concert. It was awesome!! I thoroughly enjoyed it. The music brought back so many memories. I'm going to have download some of it.
For dinner we went to a Mexican food restaurant. I had about 3 chips with some hot sauce. My entrée was fish tacos. There were two of them with corn tortillas, grilled tilapia, a cream sauce and some cole slaw. Instead of rice and beans, I got their veggies, which seemed to be just steam carrots, cauliflower, squash and broccoli. It was pretty bland. I mixed it with the cole slaw I didn't eat on my tacos. I tried to be very generous when figuring points. I had 23 points left before dinner. I counted it as 16 points for the meal (I broke each component down separately). When I got home I had a little popcorn with very little salt. My eating was under much better control today. I am going to try to start building some momentum.
Busy day tomorrow, so I'm going to close. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
It's almost 8:00 p.m. and I am finally home from the hospital and all the running around afterward.
I am getting on a much better track with my eating. The plan today was to do a protein bar for breakfast and lunch, with some fruit if I needed it, and then a balanced dinner. I had the protein bars for breakfast and lunch. The doctor came out to report on Steph's surgery much sooner than I expected and we left there around 3:00. Since she hadn't eaten in 20 hours, Steph was really hungry and wanted to go to On the Border. I debated whether to eat anything then or not, but decided I would go ahead and get my chicken tortilla soup I planned to have (I was thinking about getting it to go and eating it later). So I had that and 2 tortilla chips with hot sauce, and 1 corn tortilla. Then we stopped by Target to get Steph some groceries that would be easy to fix and then took her home. I stayed there with her a bit, helped with her dogs, etc. I carried in all her stuff, which involved going up stairs several times. Then I stopped for gas on the way home before getting home. I had gotten me a few things at the grocery store too, so that took 3 trips to bring in all my stuff. I was pretty done in after that.
But I was talking about my eating today. I had a Yasso frozen Greek yogurt bar when we got to Steph's, then some grapes on the way home. That's it so far, and it is 8:00 p.m. Not a bad day, eating-wise. I will probably eat a little something more, but I don't feel hungry enough to do much damage. I just feel like I am getting on a better track.
I bought a new outfit today. I am hoping it will help my motivation. It is just a bit small, and I will be able to wear it in 10-15 pounds. Beautiful bright colors with a skirt, tee and cardigan and some cute wedges to wear with it.
The results of Stephanie's exploratory surgery were that there was no blockage. He removed some scar tissue and he said her large intestine does not look quite normal, but there was no smoking gun saying "this is what is causing her problem." Diverticulitis was mentioned. I think I might have posted this yesterday. ??
I'm having a rough time this morning. This is one of those days I'm just having trouble facing my day. No reason for it. It is that paralysis that seems to take over. While trying to make myself get out of bed, I kept telling myself that I'm going to have to do all the things I need to do now, or I am going to have to do them later, so I might as well do them now. But it still took me a while to get myself going.
I think Cas must sense my energy because he was ornery during our whole walk. It started when I was about to get on the elevator in the parking garage to go down for his walk. Usually we are alone, but this morning someone got on the elevator with us. Cas took exception to that and seemed to want to protect me. The good thing is, I was able to settle him down without him even barking at the guy, but the energy was there. Then he wanted to go after everyone we met on the street. I think he is trying to protect me, and I am sure he is picking up my energy beforehand. I was able to get through the walk without much acting out, but I had to constantly correct him when I could see his behavior heading that direction. He needs a good long run to burn his pent-up energy.
Back to me. I know I would feel better if I would get on the treadmill or recumbent bike, but walking Cas is all I could make myself do this morning. What is wrong with me? That's what I want to say, but really, I recognize the symptoms of classic depression. All I can do is keep fighting. Doctor's appointment is Saturday morning, but then it will take a couple of weeks for any medication to start helping. I was going to buy some St. John's Wort yesterday, but it was almost $10 for a bottle, and since I am going to the doctor Saturday, I thought I might as well wait for that.
I did fairly well on my eating today, although I did eat some things I wasn't planning on. I started eating some Pop Chips, but at least was able to stop myself before doing too, too much. I don't know why I keep having such a hard time. I feel snacky right now and I am drinking down water. That may be the problem.
I finally finished my ActiveLink evaluation period. It won't start giving me a challenge until Saturday, which is the start of my week. But it will record my activity between now and then. It says I am earning 2 points plus per day with what I am doing right now, which is good since all I am doing is walking to work and back and taking Cas on two short walks a day. I do think this might help, since I tend to be a little competitive with things like this. I think my goal next week will be 4 points a day. I'm going to try to make myself get on the treadmill in the morning for at least 20 minutes. I really think if I just get rolling on the workouts, my eating will improve too.
I still am on track with the new plan I am trying on my eating (which I am not sharing details about just yet). At least there is that to be celebrated.
I was reading a blog today, and at the end she said something about this not being a race, but a journey. I would do well to remember that. But I feel like I have wasted enough time the last few weeks. It's time to get moving.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I also was able to get my doctor’s appointment set. I can go in on Saturday (which helps me a lot!), so I will see her at 11:00 Saturday. This weekend I was thinking I was needing to go to the doctor to get the antidepressant so it helps me get out of the house more, but I don’t want to get out of the house to go to the doctor! What a vicious circle. I really do get that way, too. Despite all the struggle, I am working on things, at least, and that is good.
I have been at the hospital all morning and they have finally taken Steph back for her exploratory procedure. We should have some answers soon. If it is another blockage, they will fix it.
I was reading a blog post yesterday that really hit home, and she referred to another post. These posts really resonated with me. I think there is a lot of truth in this and I am going to be thinking back to things that happened in my past that may need to be unburied. Nothing so traumatic as being raped (although there was an instance of molestation by an older kid when I was a child), but particularly, what may have caused me to want to hide. I am also starting a book called Hiding from Love that I hope will be a good source of information and healing.
I am quite sore in my neck from the massage yesterday. Very tender to the tough. Still having a headache today, but I know it will take a few times before I start feeling better.
I did well on my eating yesterday -- protein bars for breakfast and lunch, an apple in late afternoon, baked tilapia and a salad for dinner and then some popcorn and some Light & Fit Greek yogurt late evening. I decided since I am sitting around the hospital today, it would be a good day for the same type of eating. So, I brought protein bars and water with me, they have fruit at the little cafeteria, if I want some, and we will probably eat out tonight if Stephanie is released. She hasn't been able to eat much lately and is wanting On the Border, so I will have their chicken tortilla soup if we go there. No chips (or only one or two) or flour tortillas, etc. I will have some more popcorn at home if I am still hungry, as well as some fruit and/or yogurt.
That's it for now. I'll post tomorrow about whatever we find out about what is wrong with Steph. Praying it is not another obstruction, but praying they find some definitive answer at the same time.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I need to focus on getting these headaches under control. They are sapping my motivation and energy.
But I am still fighting and will not give up.
Over and out.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I have done a lot of reading on my headaches and I believe I have what is called cervicogenic headaches. Every few years, I go through a battery of tests to see what is wrong and we always come back to the same thing -- headaches are caused by tight muscles in the neck and shoulders. When I read the description for cervicogenic headaches, it described me to a tee. The headache is referred from the hard structures or soft tissues of the neck. I always have this knot of pain at the base of my skull and the headache wraps around from there to my forehead and temples. Many things can cause it -- certain movements of the neck, etc. I would probably do a lot better if I did not have to sit at a computer all day. So I have to manage the build-up of that tension and tightness. 20 years of almost daily headaches is no fun. Sometimes I get a little too adept at coping instead of looking for solutions. It is easy to get caught up in the cycle of them so that I am just making it through my days and that's it.
I did a protein bar day today. Between resting and taking care of my headaches, I worked on the loft and got it fairly clean and peaceful. Cas is driving me crazy with too much pent-up energy. I am not walking him enough. I really have to find ways to tire him out more. He got a little dose of melatonin this morning to help him calm down.
The other thing I decided, until I can get to the doctor, is I am going to get me some St. John's Wort, which is a natural supplement that helps with depression. Bethany has borrowed my car this week because her alternator went out, so I didn't get to the doctor today. I have been trying to find a new one to go to, closer to where I live now. I haven't settled on anyone yet. I prefer a woman doctor -- they seem to be more understanding, for the most part.
Even though I am still struggling with my eating, I feel like I am making some progress. I am dealing with a lot of emotional stuff that is a part of why I overeat. I am thinking about going on a holding pattern with my withdrawal until I get going on a good eating plan on a consistent basis. Plus I need the medicine when the headaches get really bad. These particular headaches are not rebound headaches. I can tell because of how tight the muscles in my neck and shoulders are.
I want to do some stretching exercises and see if they help, but I am a little nervous doing that since wrong movements set them off. But I probably should go ahead and try since I am having them anyway. I'm sure that would help with the muscle tension. I will just have to pay attention to what works and what doesn't.
I did well on just the protein bars and that makes me feel better. I had some meat thawed out that needed to be cooked, so I made this Swiss steak recipe. I will have dinner all ready for me tomorrow. I just need to make some mashed potatoes to go with it.
I'm afraid I am still having the headache this evening. I will try to nip it in the bud tonight and break the cycle of it. It really is wearing on me.
I am not having a good start today, mentally speaking. I don't know why, exactly. It was hard to get up after working late and the short evening. I got out fairly immediately to walk Cas, got back and was struggling with a headache and just didn't get out the door to walk on the treadmill. I sat there struggling, not wanting to go to work. I ate a little breakfast -- a banana, a cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch, with a little 1% milk -- nothing wrong with that. I want to comfort myself with food, but right now, I want to stay with my plan more than I want to do that. That may be the problem. I am trying to deal with this mental stuff and I am used to doing that with food. Take that crutch away, and...I don't know. I have to find a different way to deal with it.
I got on the scale this morning (I haven't done that since Friday or Saturday, I guess). It was up a bit. It kind of took me by surprise. I would have expected to be up after the weekend, but I have had two pretty good days since then. It could be any number of bodily processes that caused it, so I am trying not to worry about it. But it didn't improve my state of mind any. Still, I have the fight in me at this moment to want to get through this.
I really wanted to call in today, but I hate to call in. This headache situation is really getting me down. But I could think of a few things that really needed to get done today, so calling in didn't seem like a great idea. I decided not to do that. So there was nothing left to do but get up and get ready for work. It was just tough this morning.
I work almost every day with a headache, so I obviously can do it. I have learned to cope. But every once in a while, it feels like I lose my ability to cope with it and I need a day to stop and regroup. So I don't feel bad about calling in about it every once in a while. I wanted to explain because you never know who might read my blog. If I ever do call in about it, I think about what is expected to go on that day, whether it would cause a big problem for me to be out, and try not to do it on a day when it would be a big burden. But sometimes I just can't cope with it anymore and I need to take a day off.
I tried to hold it together tonight, but it didn't go so well. Toward the end of the evening, I realized I was in full-blown withdrawal. I thought I took my medication this morning, but I guess not. I had to take a warm bath to get my restless legs to settle down enough to be comfortable and I was having a lot of cramps in my legs and feet. I took some potassium to help with that. No wonder I lost it on the food. :( I'm going to do a protein bar day tomorrow to minimize the damage.
I felt like I had some breakthroughs today. I wish I had held it together on the food. It is really tough right now.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I ended up having to work late (until about 8:45). I was really hungry, but by the time I left, it had let up. I got home and ate some popcorn and 3 whole wheat crackers with 1 T. Nutella. to use up my points. I also ate some grapes. I want more, but it is almost 10:00, so I might as well go to bed. I want to stay up so it feels like I actually got an evening, but I will end up eating something I don't want to eat, so it is better just to go to bed. I need to take Cas for a good walk tomorrow, but I also need to go to choir practice tomorrow night. I'll try to walk him extra in the morning.
That's it. I'm going to bed now.
Monday, June 17, 2013
It's evening and I am home, implementing my plan. I had my planned dinner and stayed on track. I am doing a little cleaning in short spurts and I walked Cas. Tonight, I decided to do my walking workout while walking Cas. I warmed up by walking him to the usual park and let him do his business. Then I took off at a much quicker pace for a few blocks. It definitely felt "somewhat hard." I don't know that I did 10 minutes, but pretty close. By that time we were to another small plaza, where I let Cas sniff around and explore. He would have been pulling at me if I didn't. I walked the rest of the way home at the slower pace as a cool-down. Tomorrow morning I will go to the fitness center for a walking workout, and possibly some weights/resistance.
Now I am going to finish out my evening with some more cleaning and reading a chapter in one of the books I have been meaning to read. I will also listen to Daily Audio Bible, which is another thing on my list. Maybe a little reading for pleasure after that, if there is time.
I can check today off as doing what I needed to do to have the results I want in 100 days. I am being proactive about "writing a new history" for myself (with God's strength and wisdom).$
Sunday, June 16, 2013
We were running late for the Rangers game, so we hurried to the game. It was hot! I was pretty much roasting in the sun for a while. Fortunately I had put on some sunscreen and it did its job, I didn't get burned. I would have otherwise -- I am very fair skinned. The only thing I ate at the ballgame was a Lemon Chill. It was so hot, I needed something cold.
I got home somewhere around 6:00. I was so worn out. There is lots of walking when going to a Rangers game, plus the hours in the hot sun. We stopped and got something to drink on the way home. I didn't choose wisely. I wanted something carbonated so bad and got a big cherry Sprite. My eating went downhill from there.
Here's the deal. My niece and former brother-in-law were at the game, and my daughters went and found them at their seats. My niece is getting married on October 4. I can go to the wedding if I want to. The thing is, I will most certainly see my ex when there. I really wanted to look good by the time I see him again. So I have 100 days to get whatever done I can, if I choose to go. 100 days. I will make a decision then if I want to go, but I am going to use it as motivation to get as much as I can done by then. This is a big anchor (as WW calls it) for me. For it to be obvious the next time I see him how much I have changed. I left an abusive marriage with a diagnosis of Battered Wife Syndrome. I had a husband who told me often enough that he was ashamed of me, etc. that I could never forget it. The image I want to present next time I see him is not only an outward thing. But I want it to be obvious that I know I am a beautiful, confident, worthy woman. You can look at my before picture to see the way I looked when I left my marriage. I had so little confidence in myself. I want it to be obvious that I am not that same person. That I am so much better now, inside and out. And so much happier. Because I am. I just need my outside to catch up with my inside.
I talked to my pastor's wife from my old church today. I asked her if she remembered the time shortly after my divorce when she sat down beside me before a gathering. I said hello to her, but I was so shy and so drawn into myself, I sat there like a bump on a log and couldn't even have a conversation with her. We talked about how much I had changed -- something she recognized. I am writing a new history of my life. That's what she said.
So, 100 days. I want to make the most of them. Then I will see if I am ready for this meeting. I may not be. But I am going to prepare for it.