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Sunday, May 19, 2013

This Is My Passion

There are so many changes and improvements in my life I am trying to make.  Sometimes I get down on myself because I am falling down in some aspect.  For instance, I realize that the last week or so has been more about dieting than about lifestyle.  I screwed up one week, so made up for it another week.  That is not such a bad thing every once in a while, but I have had my eating stumbles this weekend and the temptation is to make up for it with more days of protein bars only.  That is not really the lifestyle I want.  I do want the results of losing the weight, but that is not how I want to live.  Also, I have not concentrated on being active the last couple of weeks.  I don’t know what is wrong with me there.  Just haven’t had the get up and go to do it.  I can think of all kinds of excuses, too.

However, I have made some positive steps toward the lifestyle I want in other ways.  For instance, I am getting out there and being with people more.  I joined WW; I went to choir at church; I went out with coworkers one night; and today, I went to the singles class at church, sat with some new friends during church and ate lunch with them afterward.  Those are very positive things.  But I came home and I crashed.  I was tired from all the doing.  I need to get out and walk my dog, but I am tired and it is “gale force” winds outside, so I’m not really feeling it.  So I am feeling down on myself. (I did get up and walk my dog.  :))

I need to celebrate the positive changes, while keeping on trying to make the other changes I need to make.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder how much cleaner my house would be if I did not have pets.  So much of the mess revolves around them, and if I was not having to deal with that, I would have more time to do the other stuff.  C’est la vie.

I am missing my laptop.  Sometimes I like to work on posts while I am sitting in my recliner watching a show.  Now I have to get up and sit at my desk and Cas whines because he cannot get to me.  I’ll have to train him not to do that.  The temptation is to go out and buy a laptop on a credit card.  But that does not get me where I want to go financially.

Yesterday, after my WW meeting (I got my 5-pound star!), I went grocery shopping.  The topic was “eating without distraction,” but particularly, taking some care when you have a meal to make it look nice, set the table, use the good dishes, light some candles – so meals are a pleasant experience that satisfy us more emotionally.  Even if we get take-out, take it out of the containers it is packaged in, put it on a plate and make it an enjoyable meals.  So, at the grocery store I bought some things to help with this.  I bought a couple of placemats, some water goblets, some flowers for the table and some candles.  I wish I could have found the contrasting colors I wanted to go with my dishes.  Next time I have a meal at home, I plan to “do it up right.”  I ate lunch on the go yesterday and later had to take my son back to Arlington.  He had been using my car and I had to take him back home.  I dropped him off at work, which is at a fine dining restaurant.  He told me I should come in and have a meal.  They have a big salad bar he has been enthused about.  So I did.  I had the salad bar and a baked potato.  Then I had some crème brulee (sp?).  I took out my credit card to pay for the meal and they told me “it had been taken care of.”  So I don’t know if the manager comped the meal because Jacob is my son or if my son picked up the tab.  Either way, it was very nice.  I was pretty beat when I got home, so didn’t do much else the rest of the day.

As I said, this morning I got up and went to the singles class at church.  They were very friendly and went out of their way to include me, which I appreciate.  That is one thing I did not like about my other church --  people, individually, were not terribly friendly.  (But I guess I would have to include myself in that.)  Since I have a hard time breaking in to a group, to start with, I have never been very good about building relationships.  Plus I spent many years “hiding.”  I really have to push myself to get out.  There have been a couple of friends who tried to draw me out and would ask me to do things, and I always found an excuse.  Granted, I was working a lot, which was often my excuse, but as long as I had my kids at home, I was pretty content to just be with them.  I know that is not entirely healthy.  I need friends my own age.  So now I have to push myself to break out of that mold.  Anyway, they invited me to sit with them at church.  I wasn’t sure what time to be there for choir and I didn’t have a choir robe yet, so I decided to do that this Sunday.  Next Sunday I will sit in the choir.  They also invited me to have lunch with them.  This is a big church and they have a little café on the church campus, so we had lunch there.  There was to be a big gathering in the downtown park after church, but I didn’t know about it in advance and was not dressed appropriately (like 4-inch heels), so I didn’t do that.  There are a couple of events coming up with the class that I will probably attend.  Saturday they are meeting at Union Station downtown and taking the train to Fort Worth to go to a famous barbecue restaurant there.  The train ride will take about an hour, so there will be time for getting to know people then, plus dinner and the train ride back.  It should be fun.  I will have to plan my schedule, and my menu, accordingly.  There is also a gathering on June 2 where a Christian comedian is going to perform, so they are going to get together for that.  I will do that too if I am not doing something with my kids (that is the day before my birthday).

Breakfast this morning was a Jimmy Dean Delite breakfast sandwich and a banana.  Lunch was a grilled chicken sandwich (unfortunately on a white bun) with some sweet potato fries.  The fries were fried, not baked, so I only ate a few of those.  I did some eating when I got home that was not on plan, so I will try to go light for the rest of the day.

So, I have had an active weekend and a fairly social one (for me), which is an improvement.  But I am not being active enough physically.  I know that.  I am having trouble motivating myself right now.

I have given some thought lately, as much trouble as I have making myself get out of the house sometimes (even if just to walk Cas), if some kind of antidepressant would be good temporarily to help push through these feelings of wanting to just stay home.  I am not happy when I do it, but I still have a hard time making myself push through, as well as working out.  Anyone have any input?  For now, I will just keep pushing through and hope that as I do it more and more, it won’t be so difficult.

My knee is still hurting, even after the injections.  That is not helping anything.

Through many years of my life, I often have this paralyzed feeling.  I spend too much time sitting around, feeling guilty about what I should be doing, but this paralysis takes over so that I still don’t get up and do what I am feeling guilty about.  I was feeling that way this afternoon.  I was tired, for one thing, which is often the case.  And I often have a headache, which was also the case.  But I know if I get up and do things, I would feel better.  So as I was sitting watching my DVR lineup, I started getting up during the commercials and doing chores during those two or three-minute intervals.  Soon, I would be going on a task and wouldn’t be through with it by the time the commercial was over, so I paused the program until I finished the task.  I have gotten a good amount of stuff done tonight.  And I was right – it made me feel much better.  What I hope is that, someday, it is not so difficult.  I don’t want to have to spend so much energy making myself do things I need to do or want to do.  I really am happier when I am doing them.  Why is it so hard for me?  Is it just old habits, or is it depression or what?  I don’t know.  But it has been going on a long, long time and I want to be different.

The pastor’s message today was on knowing where you going.  If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up in the wrong place.  His message provoked me to think about what I am most passionate about right now, as well as where I am most gifted.  I am most passionate about the things I am writing about now – overcoming these lifelong struggles that have held me prisoner for so long.  And losing this weight so that I feel better physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially – in every way.  And I could become pretty passionate about helping other people who struggle with the same things.  I am gifted musically, but I am not completely passionate about that at this point.  But if these two things could be put together, who knows?  Maybe I could someday write (and perform) some songs that speak to these struggles and the healing I have reached and am still reaching for.  Something to think about.  I am going to sit down and write down some goals in the different areas he suggested.  I not only need dreams, I need plans.  I know one thing.  I have to be very proactive to overcome all these things.  I spent many years wishing I was different.  But the changes really came when I decided on steps to take to BE different.  And that is the journey I am walking right now.  I truly believe God is in the midst of it, leading me even when I don’t know it is Him.  This is my purpose right now.  This is my passion.


  1. I loved reading about all of your social endeavors. I'm glad that the people at church were so welcoming and friendly - I have had some really bad experiences at church before.
    The whole thing about sitting and watching TV is something I always feel sort-of bad about, too. (but I'm always tired in the evenings!!) I might try your idea of getting up during commercials and doing something!!
    Have a super week!!

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed reading about it. I guess we have all had some negative experiences associated with church. I just try not to throw out the baby with the bath water. This experience makes me realize I need to be one of the welcoming people. I can't blame people for what I don't do myself. Time to break out of that shell! (But it sure is hard.) You have a wonderful week too!


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