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Friday, May 10, 2013

Struggles

I started this post Wednesday and didn’t finish it.

Wednesday

I’m back to work today.  I enjoyed my days off, but I am afraid I didn’t hold it together very well eating-wise.  I don’t know what to attribute that to other than working so hard for so many weeks to push past that plateau.  I’m afraid to get on the scale now, since I am sure I have undone it.

I didn’t do much on my days off (Monday and Tuesday) other than get some cleaning done.  The loft is looking much better.

I enjoyed my date Saturday night.  The guy was very nice and better looking than his picture.  That’s always a bonus, lol.  (Although my husband was plenty nice looking; he just wasn’t nice.)  This may turn out more as a friendship; we will just have to wait and see.  I feel myself holding back a little, and I don’t know what to attribute that to.  I will just give it some time and see how it goes.  I still think I am a little hung up on the guy I dated before, but it’s time to move on from that.

I did a little too much sitting around while I was off, which almost always leads to being achy.  No flare-up or anything like that.  Just stiff and achy.  And a constant, low-intensity headache.  I’m glad it is low-intensity, but not glad it is constant.

I am still not having a good eating day.  I was thinking about some things and it dawned on me why.  My date from Saturday night has made a couple of comments in our conversations.  One thing he said was that the way I responded to a certain situation showed him I was serious about my weight loss efforts.  (I AM serious about my weight loss efforts.)  I can’t think of the other thing(s) he said, but I realized that the comments made me feel like I was being monitored.  I don’t know if that is the case, but I realize it is that feeling that is fueling my eating.  I knew I felt like I was rebelling against something to do with him.  In one way I wanted to hide because I was not doing well, and in another way I wanted to stuff my face while thumbing my nose at him.  Now, I don’t know if this is really what is going on with him, but you can be sure I will keep my eyes open.  I know he has lost a lot of weight since his divorce and I am sure he wants someone who wants a healthy lifestyle to support his own efforts.  I am fine with that.  I just don’t want this feeling like if I fall off the wagon for a day or a week or a month, that that would affect his opinion of or feelings for me.  He is very open about talking things over, and at some point, if I keep having these feelings and we are still seeing each other, I could talk to him about it.  Right now I am just glad I am recognizing it so I can deal with my side of it.  This definitely triggered old feelings from my marriage.  I was constantly given the message that I was not acceptable or good enough (directly or indirectly) and there was always this expectation of failure where my weight loss efforts were concerned.  I don’t want to live with someone who makes me feel that way.  But this is probably just something I need to deal with – not really something the other person is doing.  Like I said, I will pay attention to make sure that is all it is.

If he is that kind of person, then I will recognize it and I don’t have to continue the relationship.  I have a choice in the matter.  I really do not think he is that kind of person.  The situation is just bringing up old feelings I need to deal with.  The fact that I can recognize the problem is encouraging to me.  So, time to get back on track.

Thursday

Even after coming to that realization yesterday, I still struggled.  I do not want a relationship based on fear and hiding who I really am.  So I decided to let him know, to a degree, that I was struggling.  I told him, without giving him the specifics.  Of course, that was not good enough. He wanted to know it all.  I dodged it for yesterday.  I just wasn’t ready.

I gave it a lot of thought.  I really just wanted to run and hide and not deal with it.  That’s what the old me would do.  But more than I want things with this guy to work (I don’t know that we will ever be more than friends, but we might), I want to deal with these old behaviors.  This fear of letting people know the real me for fear they won’t like me -- I don’t want to live like that anymore.  I came to the decision yesterday, not only did I recognize that it wasn’t good to hide and I should not hide, I DIDN’T WANT TO.  If I reveal petty little things about myself and it causes someone I am dating not to be interested in me anymore, then they are not someone I want to have a relationship with anyway.  I don’t want a repeat of my marriage.

As an example of something I might want to hide, I didn’t even want to let this guy know that I have headaches more than the average person.  Like that was some sign of bad character.

Friday

So, my decision is, when that feeling like I want to hide something comes up, that is a good sign that I need to do the opposite.  You have to understand that this guy and I have been pretty open with each other.  He knows of my abusive marriage – he came from a similar marriage except the other way around.  We have talked a lot about things we have been through and struggled with.  So I responded to his e-mail asking for specifics.  I told him I had been doing some emotional eating all week and that I realized it came from the fact that after I opened up to him, I felt “monitored” where my weight loss efforts were concerned.  I said that it was not anything he did, just something triggered by opening up to him, a man, after having the kind of marriage I did.  I figured if it causes him to decide I am not serious about my weight loss efforts and that scared him off, I wanted him to be scared off.  Hopefully this is the end of this episode.  I am ready to get moving again.

I’m going to get this posted.  Happy Friday and have a great weekend everyone!

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