I’m back to work today. I enjoyed my days off, but I am afraid I didn’t hold it together very well eating-wise. I don’t know what to attribute that to other than working so hard for so many weeks to push past that plateau. I’m afraid to get on the scale now, since I am sure I have undone it.
I didn’t do much on my days off (Monday and Tuesday) other than get some cleaning done. The loft is looking much better.
I enjoyed my date Saturday night. The guy was very nice and better looking than his picture. That’s always a bonus, lol. (Although my husband was plenty nice looking; he just wasn’t nice.) This may turn out more as a friendship; we will just have to wait and see. I feel myself holding back a little, and I don’t know what to attribute that to. I will just give it some time and see how it goes. I still think I am a little hung up on the guy I dated before, but it’s time to move on from that.
I did a little too much sitting around while I was off, which almost always leads to being achy. No flare-up or anything like that. Just stiff and achy. And a constant, low-intensity headache. I’m glad it is low-intensity, but not glad it is constant.
I am still not having a good eating day. I was thinking about some things and it dawned on me why. My date from Saturday night has made a couple of comments in our conversations. One thing he said was that the way I responded to a certain situation showed him I was serious about my weight loss efforts. (I AM serious about my weight loss efforts.) I can’t think of the other thing(s) he said, but I realized that the comments made me feel like I was being monitored. I don’t know if that is the case, but I realize it is that feeling that is fueling my eating. I knew I felt like I was rebelling against something to do with him. In one way I wanted to hide because I was not doing well, and in another way I wanted to stuff my face while thumbing my nose at him. Now, I don’t know if this is really what is going on with him, but you can be sure I will keep my eyes open. I know he has lost a lot of weight since his divorce and I am sure he wants someone who wants a healthy lifestyle to support his own efforts. I am fine with that. I just don’t want this feeling like if I fall off the wagon for a day or a week or a month, that that would affect his opinion of or feelings for me. He is very open about talking things over, and at some point, if I keep having these feelings and we are still seeing each other, I could talk to him about it. Right now I am just glad I am recognizing it so I can deal with my side of it. This definitely triggered old feelings from my marriage. I was constantly given the message that I was not acceptable or good enough (directly or indirectly) and there was always this expectation of failure where my weight loss efforts were concerned. I don’t want to live with someone who makes me feel that way. But this is probably just something I need to deal with – not really something the other person is doing. Like I said, I will pay attention to make sure that is all it is.
If he is that kind of person, then I will recognize it and I don’t have to continue the relationship. I have a choice in the matter. I really do not think he is that kind of person. The situation is just bringing up old feelings I need to deal with. The fact that I can recognize the problem is encouraging to me. So, time to get back on track.
Even after coming to that realization yesterday, I still struggled. I do not want a relationship based on fear and hiding who I really am. So I decided to let him know, to a degree, that I was struggling. I told him, without giving him the specifics. Of course, that was not good enough. He wanted to know it all. I dodged it for yesterday. I just wasn’t ready.
I gave it a lot of thought. I really just wanted to run and hide and not deal with it. That’s what the old me would do. But more than I want things with this guy to work (I don’t know that we will ever be more than friends, but we might), I want to deal with these old behaviors. This fear of letting people know the real me for fear they won’t like me -- I don’t want to live like that anymore. I came to the decision yesterday, not only did I recognize that it wasn’t good to hide and I should not hide, I DIDN’T WANT TO. If I reveal petty little things about myself and it causes someone I am dating not to be interested in me anymore, then they are not someone I want to have a relationship with anyway. I don’t want a repeat of my marriage.
As an example of something I might want to hide, I didn’t even want to let this guy know that I have headaches more than the average person. Like that was some sign of bad character.
So, my decision is, when that feeling like I want to hide something comes up, that is a good sign that I need to do the opposite. You have to understand that this guy and I have been pretty open with each other. He knows of my abusive marriage – he came from a similar marriage except the other way around. We have talked a lot about things we have been through and struggled with. So I responded to his e-mail asking for specifics. I told him I had been doing some emotional eating all week and that I realized it came from the fact that after I opened up to him, I felt “monitored” where my weight loss efforts were concerned. I said that it was not anything he did, just something triggered by opening up to him, a man, after having the kind of marriage I did. I figured if it causes him to decide I am not serious about my weight loss efforts and that scared him off, I wanted him to be scared off. Hopefully this is the end of this episode. I am ready to get moving again.
I’m going to get this posted. Happy Friday and have a great weekend everyone!