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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Not On An Even Keel


This post is going to be very analytical about my behavior – emotionally and psychologically.

I decided to do a little looking online to see if some kind of medication might help with my somewhat reclusive behavior.  There is Paxil – I saw a recommendation for trying that – and I saw a recommendation for smoking pot.  Uhhhh no.  I don’t think my problems are severe enough for either of these alternatives and I think I just need to keep doing what I am doing now – pushing myself.  The goal of getting out and being with people at least once a week to start with is a good plan.  And I think as I lose weight, it will get easier (both mentally and because I will have more energy).  If you think about it, it is probably not surprising that I feel this way.  I was told quite often by my husband during my marriage that he was ashamed of me and that I made him look bad.  Why would I want to get out with that mindset?  Of course, I have had this tendency from childhood.  I can remember as a child of 5 or 6, as soon as church let out, while all the other family members stood around and visited, I went to the car and waited for everyone.

I was kind of watching myself yesterday as I interacted with other people – you would never know by how I “behaved” yesterday that I am this way.  In class yesterday morning, the teacher would discuss an issue and then throw up a question to be discussed at each table.  I have no problem giving my input in situations like this, and I have no problem speaking up in the larger group.  And, actually, I could tell people valued my input.  When we had lunch later, I was friendly and did not feel shy or show shyness much at all.  I am actually learning to draw other people out.  If I do not focus on myself, and tell myself they might need my help in being drawn into the group, I have no trouble.  This is a far cry from how I was a few years ago.  I would generally sit on the sidelines and observe.  If you talked to me, I was friendly and would respond (most of the time – occasionally I would completely clam up), but I did not initiate anything.  l still have a tendency to do that if I am by myself in a large group.  But it is improving all the time.

Part of my problem is I just like to be home.  If I am not home enough, I feel like I’m going to “go crazy.”  And anything away from home feels kind of like work.  I need to change my mindset so that other things – recreational things – are relaxing to me.  I don’t have to be at home to relax.  That is my big thing.  I have this little hole I want to crawl in – the hole being home.  One answer might be to invite people to my home more.  The problem with that has always been I feel insecure about my housekeeping abilities.  There are two things I need to change here.  One is the feeling that things have to look perfect for anyone to come over (my home almost never looks “perfect” so, therefore, no one ever comes over).  The other is that I am working on better habits to maintain my home so that I do not feel ashamed when someone comes over.  I am making progress, but I am not to a place I am comfortable with yet.

We were discussing at lunch yesterday some activities coming up and entertaining suggestions for more.  I told them about living in a loft in downtown Dallas and that we have a big patio with a Cabana bar and the pool, etc.  I forgot to tell them that we also have a 2-lane bowling alley and a small movie theater where you can watch any DVD.  We could also make use of those facilities.  So, we talked about getting together sometime this summer at “my place.”  This gives me incentive.  I want to keep things maintained so I won’t be in a panic when something like that comes up.


I have been working quite a bit this week.  That, coupled with losing my laptop, has caused me not to get any posts done the last two days.  I am struggling a little, but that is not really why I haven’t posted.

I am having a little trouble getting back on an even WW keel.  I don’t know if doing the week of all protein bars brought his on or not.  I really think that I am just going through one of those times that you go through every once in a while.  Motivation is a little low and it is easy to get into too much snacking, etc.  When I have an excessive day, I have been following it up with a day of protein bars only (with a little veggies or fruit, if needed).  After thinking it over, I don’t think this is such a bad thing.  I think I would be struggling whether I was doing this or not, and if this lessens the effect of my struggling days, I am okay with that.  I don’t think I am in any danger of preferring to eat protein bars all the time instead of a healthy, clean diet.  But if this helps me to keep moving, even during times of struggle, I am okay with it.

I am struggling with getting exercise.  I will admit that.  I have no motivation and I am struggling with some pain issues.  My knees have not been helped much (or maybe any) by the injections this time.  My right knee was hurting rather sharply yesterday (it is usually my left one that gives me the most trouble).  It felt like it needed to pop back in place, but I never felt it pop out of place.  It is not bothering me like that today, so hopefully that was just a temporary thing.  I am going to have to start pushing myself.  I am taking Friday and next Tuesday off (we also have Monday off for Memorial Day), and Friday I am going to make sure I at least get on my recumbent bike.  I know I will feel better if I do it.  I don’t know why I am having such a hard time making myself do it.  Honestly, I am behaving like I am depressed.  I am aware of it, and I know exercise will help it, but I haven’t mustered the motivation to work past it.  But I will.

As I said, work has been pretty busy this week.  I am actually okay with that, given I have extra days off coming.  I haven’t liked the reduced paychecks, so this will help.

We had a meeting about planning for retirement earlier this week.  I am not prepared for retirement at all.  I just got my kids out of the house.  I need to start working on that in earnest.  Wish I could find the right rich man to marry, hah!  The guy speaking at the meeting did say that people my age can probably depend on getting their social security benefits, but those in their 30s, for instance, probably cannot.  That was somewhat comforting for me.  I don’t have much in my 401(k).  Time to start socking it away.

Did I say something the other day about having to clean up after my pets?  Silly cat.  :)

I’ve been struggling with headaches all week.  I am taking my muscle relaxant, which gives the expected effect.  I still am having one pretty much all day every day.  I am so ready for them to let up.  I went into an extra office just to close my eyes and try to get away from it for a few minutes.  Of course, I almost immediately start falling asleep.  Now I don’t want to wake up.  I want to sleep.  But there is too much work to do.  It doesn’t help that I have woken up the last two nights with my head turned all the way to the side, with an awareness that I had been sleeping that way for a good while.  That is almost guaranteed to bring on a headache.  I will try to arrange my pillows tonight to try to deter that possibility.  I often wear my neck collar to sleep, but it didn’t keep me from turning my head like that.

It’s after 7:00 and I want to go home, so better get this posted (or it probably won’t happen).  One more day and then I get 5 days off!

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