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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Why So Down?

I haven’t gotten a post together the last couple of days.

I had another bad day Sunday, eating-wise.  I’m going to have to examine why that is happening and take steps to prevent it.  I was happy Sunday morning because the scale had dropped even more, so I was feeling like things were beginning to move.  And then I blew it.

I was back on track yesterday.  I was bummed that I did that Sunday, but I can’t let that disappointment in myself lead to more days like that.  You just have to pick up and keep going, so that is what I did.

I did not get much activity Sunday, other than grocery shopping, carrying it all in and putting it away.  That is a little chunk of activity in itself.  My feet were really bothering me, though, and I didn’t do much walking otherwise.  The time “off my feet” probably helped a little, because they felt some better yesterday.  They are still hurting, especially first thing in the morning, but I think improving slowly but surely.

I am still feeling kind of down.  In mid-2010, after working out almost every day for a year and a half, I was often doing two, sometimes three workouts a day (an hour on the treadmill in the morning, climbing stairs at lunch – I got up to 54 flights with rest stops – and a strength training workout in the evening). Until I got derailed by the circumstances of life, the first one being my daughter's major (and extremely painful) foot surgery that kept her in the hospital for a week and recuperating for weeks afterward. But that's another story. My point today is I think I expect myself to pick up where I left off and I am nowhere near the place I was in 2010, either mentally or physically. I need to cut myself some slack and know that doing a 30-minute workout on the recumbent bike every weekday morning and walking my dog 2-3 times a day is a good start. If I feel up to doing more, good, but for now, that is good progress. It's lifestyle I am going for anyway. Too high of expectations is probably one reason why I have been a little down lately.  I want to move the weight loss along, but if I push too hard, I think it does more harm than good.  I think when I read other weight loss (or maintenance) blogs, I think I need to do what they do as soon as possible, but forget that it took them a long time to build up to where they are.  After thinking that through and cutting myself some slack today, I felt kind of like doing a workout this evening, but my back and leg were bothering me quite a bit tonight, so I decided not to push the envelope.  I hope the radiating pain is not going to make regular reappearance..  I did walk Cas again, so I got 3 walks and a recumbent bike workout (not to mention walking to work and back twice).

I think another part of being down is that I am finally to the place where my kids are getting more independent.  I am truly happy about that, but since my world the last few years has been my job and my kids, and both things have now slowed down, I am feeling a bit empty.  I am going to have to start doing some things differently and that is not coming easy to me.  It is going to take pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I didn’t do too well at that this weekend.

I made the decision to get up and go to church Sunday morning.  I realized this is the first time in my life I have tried to venture out into a new church like this, completely on my own.  No wonder it’s a little difficult.  I decided I might do better to go to a class first, since there is more chance of interaction with other people on a personal level, than just attending Sunday morning service.  I was running a few minutes behind and decided, this one time, I would drive (the church is only a few blocks away).  BIG MISTAKE.  Trying to park takes far longer than it would have taken me to walk.  When it was 25 minutes after time for the class to start and I still was not parked, I gave up.  I will try tomorrow night going to a Wednesday night class.  Once I start getting to know some people, it won’t be so difficult to go to the bigger gathering.  You know, one on one, I am not really that shy (anymore).  But trying to break into a big group when I don’t know anyone is very hard for me.  Always has been.

I never got myself out on my bike this weekend either.  I feel like I need to take Cas when I do, and I just wasn’t wanting to do that.  I need to give myself permission to get out without him and get used to it, and then maybe it won’t be as hard for me to take him some of the time.

I am being really honest here, and I probably will never do this, but sometimes I would like to give Cas to someone who has more energy and time to spend with him.  I love him to pieces, but it would be nice not to have to worry about that.  At the same time, he is one thing that motivates me to get out of the house.  I may be fooling myself to think I would do it more easily without him.  I never wanted dogs in the past because they take so much work.  My kids talked me into it, and when someone gave us Cas, he adopted me as his favorite.  Since we had three dogs when we moved, it made sense that the girls would take the other two and I would take Cas.  If you are an ultra-animal lover, please don’t hate me.  I really do love him and I think I am a very diligent pet owner, considering what all I have on my plate, but there is a lot required to own a dog.  Like I said, I will probably never do it, it is just tempting sometimes.  I know he would like to get out and be more active than I am giving him opportunity to do at this point.  I just need to get out there with my bike and do it.  It works really well.  And someday soon, maybe I can roller skate with him too.  It is just outside of my comfort zone.  That is part of changing your life on this kind of journey, you have to do things that are not comfortable to you, or you will never change.  (I did take him to the dog park on Saturday, anyway.  He got to be with his “brothers” (my daughters’ dogs) and romped and played at the dog park for a little while.)

I was walking to work this morning thinking about my being down and I was trying to think what it is I want.  Does eating whatever I want make me happy?  Actually, no.  I was not happy with myself Sunday, even while doing it.  It did not make me happy.  What I should have done was get up and get busy, but my feet were hurting, so I didn’t.  I think the big issue now is that I am facing changes that are hard for me and until I push through and start stepping out, it is going to be difficult for me.  I am not happy holed up alone at home all the time, so I have to take steps to change that situation.

Breakfast this morning was Protein Waffles with blueberry topping.  I had a banana before my workout this morning.  Mid-morning I had some frozen cherries.  I was hungry early in the day.  Lunch was a wrap with tuna salad and spinach leaves, FSTG sweet potato chips and some baby carrots.  Late afternoon I had 3 clementines and some Greek yogurt.  Dinner was chicken with some sweet hot mustard, a baked sweet potato and some sautéed green beans.  I had 6 points left after that, so had an individual container of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream (4 points).  I decided to leave it at that and hopefully prepare in advance for the challenges next week.

My main boss took the day off, so I got to go to lunch and home on time.  It has been hot the last couple of days.  I got pretty hot and sweaty on my walks.  I am not looking forward to taking these walks during the Summer when it gets over 100 degrees.  But I always feel like I burn more calories since I sweat so much.  I don’t know that I really am, though.

I am having hints of radiating pain today.  Hopefully it is a passing thing.  If it comes back, though, I will know that the knee injections had more to do with the improvement in my pain.  If that is the case, then it would get better in a month, when I am okay to have more injections.  I know I had improvement in pain almost immediately after getting the injections, but I was also losing a lot of weight, so I wasn’t sure what brought the most improvement in the radiating pain.

I am trying to get off of SF Red Bulls.  My motivation is financial as much as anything, but I know they are not good for you.  I can’t believe how difficult it is.  It’s not a caffeine headache that is the problem at the moment.  I just want one.  I think it is the carbonation, partially.  I said that, and not long after that had a splitting headache.  So I guess it was caffeine.  Little by little, I guess.

I have 3 big events coming up next week that are going to make things difficult.  First, my daughter’s birthday is Saturday.  We are going out to dinner Friday night and to a Rangers game Saturday (I guess that is 2 events, so make it 4 for the week).  I will do my best at dinner (I checked the menu and they have some reasonably healthy options) and try to save points for the end of the day.  I think I can get through that one without using extra points (or very few, anyway).  Weigh-in is the next morning, so that will be a big motivation.  I can also probably make something work for the Rangers game (we often take our own food anyway – I could make one of my special wraps or a hot dog).  The other 2 events, however, are more tempting.  First is our annual “Administrative Professional’s Day” outing to a fine dining restaurant.  We are treated to a meal at an expensive restaurant once a year.  Who wants to hold back at a time like that?  Even more difficult – my boss is treating some of us to a celebration dinner for the end of our case.  We are going to 560 (Restaurant), which is in Reunion Tower.  If you have ever seen a picture of the famous Dallas skyline, it is the tall tower with the lighted ball at the top (right in the front of the picture0.  The ball is a restaurant that “spins” (very slowly) so that you see the Dallas view from all sides.  By the way, the building with what looks like "rockets" on the top is the building where I work.

It too is a fine dining restaurant and, since it is a celebration, it is not something you don't really want to hold back for.  I will try to make wise choices in that I won’t choose fried foods, etc., but that doesn’t mean I won’t want some dessert.  Maybe I could just eat a couple of bites and bring the rest home and freeze it.  (Sounds dangerous.)  At least there is a lot of exercise associated with going to the ballgame.  It requires a lot of walking and some stair-climbing.  I will try to get as much activity in as I can in the next week, but I already talked about how that is going.

This makes this week all the more important.  I just have to keep in mind what I really want.  And I really want to keep heading in the right direction with my weight – down!


  1. Honestly, with a once-a-year meal like that, I'd just eat it, dessert included, and enjoy every bite. One meal won't make you fat.

    1. Thanks Shelley. I think I am going to do that, but may eat only half of it and save the rest for dinner. That won't be so bad. It just depends on the size of the portions.


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