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Monday, April 8, 2013

It's a Whole New World!

I did not have a good day yesterday.  I did fine Saturday and through early afternoon yesterday, but started snacking Sunday afternoon and couldn’t quit.  I won’t go into detail.  I am just counting it as all my weekly points and going on like it did not happen.  If I try to make up for it, I would probably do more harm than good.  So today is a new day.

I am determined, however, to bust through this plateau.  I think that has been discouraging me.  I’ve been stuck for a month.  I don’t feel like giving up; I just really want to move on past here.  I don’t think it is wise to do it by cutting down on my daily food, except in ways I mentioned Saturday – measuring all my food, making better food choices, etc.  I am going to try to get in 2 workouts every day, plus a third walk with Cas, each weekday.  I did 20 “hard” minutes on the recumbent bike this morning.  Unfortunately, I did not get to go to lunch, so will have to walk Cas this evening (I did a short walk this morning), but also plan to get some other type of workout this evening – probably the treadmill, but possibly a video.  It depends on if I feel like getting out of the house for the workout.  If I am still stuck after doing this all week, I may just have a few of my weekly points next week and see if I can get on past it that way.  If that doesn’t work, I will do a week of Medifast to see if I can break it loose.  For now, though, I am going to work on burning as much as I can (with my current physical limitations).

One thing I did do a lot of this weekend is cleaning.  I worked quite a bit on my loft, getting it more like I would like to maintain it, now that I have it to myself again.  There is still stuff to do, but it felt good getting done what I did.  And it feels good that it will stay done, unless I am the one who messes it up.  J  Which I am pretty good at doing.

The thing in my back bothered me a lot this weekend.  Forgive me if I repeat myself.  I started a post Saturday afternoon and didn’t get it posted.  I think I was going into some detail about this on that post, but if it was another one, forgive me.  The thing in my back is higher than the pain I “used to” have and it is kind of wrapping around my side.  The old pain mainly hurt when I was up on my feet and walking, etc.  This one is hurting when I am sitting in what used to be a comfortable chair.  It doesn’t seem to bother me at work too much unless I work some really long hours.  The pain got bad enough Saturday night, I couldn’t really stand to sit around.  Thank goodness it is okay if I am up on my feet, and if I sat on the floor, propped up where my couches join in an “L”, it did pretty well.  But if I sat on the couch or in my recliner, it would start hurting pretty bad.  The only way it would settle down so I could sleep was with pain medication and a maximum dose of my muscle relaxant.  That pretty well knocked me out for the night.  I felt some better yesterday, so maybe I just needed for my muscles to relax enough to take the pressure off the nerve.  I think I do not sit up as straight when sitting in a “comfortable” chair as I do at work and that is why it doesn’t hurt then.

I took only one muscle relaxant last night, but it built up on me, I guess, because I could literally fall asleep sitting here.  I am really having a hard time.  This morning was really busy, so it wasn’t so bad, but now that things have settled down for a bit, I am having trouble.

Breakfast this morning was protein waffles with blueberry topping.  I had some baby carrots too, as I was walking out the door to work, to fill me up good.  Lunch was a serving of beef vegetable stew, a serving of “healthy cornbread,” some baby carrots and some sliced frozen peaches.

Saturday I was out running some errands and this feeling of freedom and “normalness” like I have not had in a very long time washed over me.  (Normal is good.)  It’s official.  Work should be settling down now and I should not have to work so many hours all the time.  My son moved out and I have my loft to myself, and I have my car back.  I felt an independence that I haven’t felt yet since moving and having an empty nest (which didn’t stay empty).  There is no huge thing hanging over me like it seems there has been for years.  I didn’t feel like I had to conserve energy on my weekend because the work week was going to be such a marathon.  I spent time cleaning house and running errands and just felt normal.  It was so awesome!  I feel like a new chapter of my life is finally beginning.  I got my profile up on the dating website I chose and have seen a little interest.  We’ll see how it goes.  We will see what the new normal turns out to be.

I now feel like I have the time and energy to focus on me, getting healthy, working on some personal issues, making friends, being happy.  I can live life “for me” and not for my kids or my boss or anyone else (except God, always for Him).  A little more time to focus on that too.  I cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels.  Maybe I can actually make some plans.  It’s a whole new world!

I was realizing the other day that I often live life feeling like someone is watching me all the time.  This did not come from religion; this came from my marriage, to a large degree.  I always felt like I was being watched critically and being judged, and always falling short.  I need to tell you some of what went on so that you know how big of a problem this has been.  At the end of my marriage – what led to the end of my marriage – my husband accused me of something very heinous.  He did some very bizarre things, like hid in the attic and watched me, put hidden video cameras (so he said) in the house to try to catch me doing what he accused me of, sent personal articles off for DNA testing, etc., etc.  Of course, there was nothing to catch.  After we separated, he would watch me through the windows and had me followed by a PI.  I already felt like he watched me with a critical eye all the time, but you can imagine how this made that feeling much worse.  He tried to prove I was an unfit mother.  I still often live with this feeling that someone is watching me, judging me for what I do.  I want so much to be free of this.  To do things because that is how I want to do them, not because someone will think badly of me if I don’t.  There is still some healing that needs to be done there.  Even when I eat something “bad,” I feel like someone is watching me.  Or if I don’t keep the house clean enough.  I want to do better about these things, but I don’t want my motive to be that someone would criticize me if I don’t.  So these are some feelings I am going to confront and work on.  These kinds of things are what keep me turning to food.  I know these are codependent characteristics.  I just want to be free of them.

I got to go home on time (which should happen a lot more often now, I think).  Dinner was a main dish salad of romaine lettuce, broccoli, zucchini, carrots, red pepper, avocado, strawberries and some barbecued chicken.  I put a little light cheddar on top and topped it off with some light balsamic vinaigrette.  It may sound strange, but it was very good.  All of those things used all the points I had left (13).  So no snacking tonight.  Maybe that will be a good thing.  We will see how this works.

My feet have been bothering me all day.  I guess I have been walking around barefoot on my concrete floors too much.  When I took Cas on his long walk tonight, my left foot and heel were hurting a lot.  So no treadmill or video tonight; it will have to be the recumbent bike.  Hopefully after a couple of days of wearing supportive shoes ALL the time, it will let up.  I also have some anti-inflammatory patches I can put on them, which will help the inflammation die down.  I hope they will be okay for the treadmill in the morning, but if not, I will do the recumbent bike until they get to feeling better.  I sure get tired of these physical limitations, but I am just going to have to work around them as best I can.

I am trying to type while my kitty is trying to crawl all over the keyboard.  He likes to lay on the computer (I guess because it is warm).  He’s just a relaxed kind of guy.  J  Wish my dog would take some lessons.

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