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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Down Time Needed

My blog didn't post last night, for some reason, so it's a double post tonight.

I was thinking this morning and realized (again) another reason I am feeling so burned out.  I can’t remember if I took any days off for the holidays last year – maybe one, or at the most, two.  Before that, I took off three days to move (which was hardly a break).  Before that I cannot remember taking more than a day or two off in I don’t know how long, except when my daughter was in the hospital (and not much then).  I haven’t had any real down time in at least two or three years.  I have said before, I am always the one who has kept the home fires burning – however that was needed – and everyone else went on trips or fun excursions.  I don’t even care about that, that much right now.  I just need some days off.  I am tired, and I especially am mentally tired.  I think this is why I am having trouble adding to my load by expecting a workout from myself every morning, etc.  My mind is too tired to motivate me enough right now.  As soon as I can, I am going to take a week off.  I’m going to start preparing my desk for it (I hate people snooping around my desk when I am gone).  (I checked with our HR Department to see how many vacation days, etc. I have available.  I have 6 sick/personal days, 1 floating holiday and 12 days 2.25 hrs. of vacation available.  And I cashed 2 of my vacation days in when I moved, so I have really used only a few hours of time off since last year sometime.)
I have still not gotten my medication issue resolved.  I have to get that done today.  I am feeling very “snacky” and I think it is withdrawal symptoms.  I keep having to tell myself that so I don’t eat extra.  Actually, I didn’t think about that being the problem last night, but still managed to stop after using all my daily points.  I was feeling that gnawing desire to eat this morning, after breakfast, and suddenly realized that is probably why.  I took a reduced dose yesterday afternoon and did not take another one until around 3:00 today.  Now I have been told I have to come in for an appointment before I can get a refill.  That is fine, but I wish they had told me that last Wednesday when I first asked for the refill.  I wish there was a fast way to get this stuff out of your system without driving yourself crazy.

I was thinking this morning about how much I have done for my kids over the years, and how much I have HAD to do for my kids.  When I compare it with my siblings and their kids, for example, it makes me wonder what I have done wrong.  Like I must have done something to cause it.  I don’t want to say too much and be disloyal to my kids, but it just seems like I have had a lot more to deal with than a lot of parents and it is hard not to wonder how much of the fault lies with me.  I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt.  And that is all anyone can do.
Soon, I will start posting about workouts done and progress made.  But I guess you need to go through all the mental stuff too that got you to where you are.  I have been taking care of everyone but myself for almost 30 years.  There is a lot of work to go through to change that mindset.  And really, my whole life has been about pleasing other people, trying not to make any waves, hoping I would be accepted in one form or another.  It’s pretty difficult to stop doing that.  Growth hurts, usually.  So I will find comfort in realizing that I am growing.

In the meantime, my plan is to just work the Plan (eating as I should, getting more activity, etc.) and hang on for dear life, knowing eventually I will get to where I want to go, as long as I don’t quit.
Weight Watchers has this scanner app on my iPhone where I can scan the bar code on many foods and it will tell me how many points a serving has.  It is way cool.  I put it into action when I went grocery shopping and it was very handy.  My daughter says her fitness app has something similar.  I need to look at a lot more of the tools WW Online has.  I know they have cheat sheets for different restaurants and different types of restaurant foods.  I need to study that.  I usually try to plan in advance what I will get wherever we plan to go, but it is good to know what in general are better things to choose than others.

Breakfast today was, first, a banana early on – I woke up hungry.  Then I had one cup Greek yogurt with 1 T. honey, and one cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch.  All that was 10 points.  I had a few baby carrots late morning, since I was feeling snacky.  Lunch was a wrap with tuna salad (5 points) with some pop chips (2 points), a few more baby carrots, and some frozen cherries (0 points).  Afternoon snack was Dannon Light & Fit Greek Yogurt (2 points) and later about a cup and a half of strawberries (0 points).  I had 16 points available before I went home for the evening.  (I thought the 20 points last night was a little much to save to the end of the day.  If I get snacky again (I invented that word), my plan is to try drinking down water and see if that does me better.)  Dinner was 4 oz. of barbecued chicken breast (5 points), one-half a (large) baked sweet potato, plain (2 points!), and some roasted asparagus with a teaspoon of Parmigiano reggiano on it (0 points).  Then, later, I had 4 cups of popcorn (5 points) and a Weight Watchers ice cream bar (2 points).  I added an extra point to the popcorn in case it was a little more than 4 cups.  I am feeling pretty good up to the point I am posting, but I have 2 points left if I need them.
My back is trying to hurt me again tonight.  I don’t know what brings that on.

Exercise today was just walking Cas twice.  And walking to work and back twice.  Still earned 5 activity points (I’m not counting the walks to and from work, although they certainly count with my body.  I feel like I need to be doing more, but I’m just not there yet.  I will get there.

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