I was thinking this morning and realized (again) another reason I am feeling so burned out. I can’t remember if I took any days off for the holidays last year – maybe one, or at the most, two. Before that, I took off three days to move (which was hardly a break). Before that I cannot remember taking more than a day or two off in I don’t know how long, except when my daughter was in the hospital (and not much then). I haven’t had any real down time in at least two or three years. I have said before, I am always the one who has kept the home fires burning – however that was needed – and everyone else went on trips or fun excursions. I don’t even care about that, that much right now. I just need some days off. I am tired, and I especially am mentally tired. I think this is why I am having trouble adding to my load by expecting a workout from myself every morning, etc. My mind is too tired to motivate me enough right now. As soon as I can, I am going to take a week off. I’m going to start preparing my desk for it (I hate people snooping around my desk when I am gone). (I checked with our HR Department to see how many vacation days, etc. I have available. I have 6 sick/personal days, 1 floating holiday and 12 days 2.25 hrs. of vacation available. And I cashed 2 of my vacation days in when I moved, so I have really used only a few hours of time off since last year sometime.)I have still not gotten my medication issue resolved. I have to get that done today. I am feeling very “snacky” and I think it is withdrawal symptoms. I keep having to tell myself that so I don’t eat extra. Actually, I didn’t think about that being the problem last night, but still managed to stop after using all my daily points. I was feeling that gnawing desire to eat this morning, after breakfast, and suddenly realized that is probably why. I took a reduced dose yesterday afternoon and did not take another one until around 3:00 today. Now I have been told I have to come in for an appointment before I can get a refill. That is fine, but I wish they had told me that last Wednesday when I first asked for the refill. I wish there was a fast way to get this stuff out of your system without driving yourself crazy.
I was thinking this morning about how much I have done for my kids over the years, and how much I have HAD to do for my kids. When I compare it with my siblings and their kids, for example, it makes me wonder what I have done wrong. Like I must have done something to cause it. I don’t want to say too much and be disloyal to my kids, but it just seems like I have had a lot more to deal with than a lot of parents and it is hard not to wonder how much of the fault lies with me. I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt. And that is all anyone can do.Soon, I will start posting about workouts done and progress made. But I guess you need to go through all the mental stuff too that got you to where you are. I have been taking care of everyone but myself for almost 30 years. There is a lot of work to go through to change that mindset. And really, my whole life has been about pleasing other people, trying not to make any waves, hoping I would be accepted in one form or another. It’s pretty difficult to stop doing that. Growth hurts, usually. So I will find comfort in realizing that I am growing.
In the meantime, my plan is to just work the Plan (eating as I should, getting more activity, etc.) and hang on for dear life, knowing eventually I will get to where I want to go, as long as I don’t quit.Weight Watchers has this scanner app on my iPhone where I can scan the bar code on many foods and it will tell me how many points a serving has. It is way cool. I put it into action when I went grocery shopping and it was very handy. My daughter says her fitness app has something similar. I need to look at a lot more of the tools WW Online has. I know they have cheat sheets for different restaurants and different types of restaurant foods. I need to study that. I usually try to plan in advance what I will get wherever we plan to go, but it is good to know what in general are better things to choose than others.
Breakfast today was, first, a banana early on – I woke up hungry. Then I had one cup Greek yogurt with 1 T. honey, and one cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch. All that was 10 points. I had a few baby carrots late morning, since I was feeling snacky. Lunch was a wrap with tuna salad (5 points) with some pop chips (2 points), a few more baby carrots, and some frozen cherries (0 points). Afternoon snack was Dannon Light & Fit Greek Yogurt (2 points) and later about a cup and a half of strawberries (0 points). I had 16 points available before I went home for the evening. (I thought the 20 points last night was a little much to save to the end of the day. If I get snacky again (I invented that word), my plan is to try drinking down water and see if that does me better.) Dinner was 4 oz. of barbecued chicken breast (5 points), one-half a (large) baked sweet potato, plain (2 points!), and some roasted asparagus with a teaspoon of Parmigiano reggiano on it (0 points). Then, later, I had 4 cups of popcorn (5 points) and a Weight Watchers ice cream bar (2 points). I added an extra point to the popcorn in case it was a little more than 4 cups. I am feeling pretty good up to the point I am posting, but I have 2 points left if I need them.My back is trying to hurt me again tonight. I don’t know what brings that on.
Exercise today was just walking Cas twice. And walking to work and back twice. Still earned 5 activity points (I’m not counting the walks to and from work, although they certainly count with my body. I feel like I need to be doing more, but I’m just not there yet. I will get there.