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Monday, March 4, 2013

A Rough Day, But Proud of Myself

What a morning.  I feel like I hit the ground running.

I really wanted to work on my morning schedule, so I set my alarm for 5:30 this morning, knowing I like to lay there a little bit before getting up.  So I was out of bed by 5:45, which is when my alarm was going off before.  I was feeling pretty empty, so ate a few baby carrots.  I spent a little time doing this and that, including making my bed, which was a goal.  It is kind of difficult to make up since it is pushed tight into a corner, so I haven’t been very good about getting that done.
I took Cas for a short walk.  He is being so ornery on his walks right now and is so “ADD” when we walk out the door.  I need to do some focused work with him.  It drives me crazy.
I was still feeling very empty and wanted to do a decent workout on the recumbent bike, so I ate a tangelo before getting on the bike.  That helped.  I did a workout with not too much resistance, but I did some arm work while I was pedaling to up my intensity.  I had 5-pound weights in each hand and I did shoulder raises (straight up over my head), bicep curls, tricep raises (held the weights straight up over my head and then down and up behind me), and an exercise (I don’t know what is called – the butterfly?) that works chest, without weights.  I did 3 sets of 15 of each while I pedaled – a 20-minute workout.  It got my heart rate up and I worked up a good sweat.  I thought this would be something I could handle a little more while I am not eating very much, than a higher intensity workout program on the bike.  I will see how I feel each morning.  The mornings I feel emptier, I will do something like this, but if I feel stronger, I will do the hills workout on the bike.
Then I did all my getting ready; my goal was to get to work at 8:30 and I have been more like 8:45 the last couple of weeks.  I feel late when I get there after 8:30, although I work until 6:00 (at the earliest), so I am not really late.  It was still 8:35 when I got there this morning.  I took the shortcut across the parking garage, but took the stairs down instead of the elevator.  I must have walked faster than usual to work, because when I get there and sat down, I was really sweating.  Yuk, but good for calorie burning, I guess.
I was going to post pictures of what a day’s food looks like, but of course I forgot to snap a picture of one of them, so that will have to wait until another day.
This day started out busy and didn’t stop.  Too much to do to take a lunch break, so no lunchtime walk.
I was calculating what kind of burn I would need to get to lose 4 pounds in a week.  4 pounds at 3,500 calories is a 14,000 deficit needed for the week.  Since Saturday is an off day and I probably am eating as many calories as I am burning, I divided that by 6.  That means I would have to burn an average of 2,334 more calories than I am eating to lose 4 pounds in a week.  That is a lot.  I regularly get a 1,500 calorie deficit, so that means I need to up my activity level to burn 834 more calories per day to lose 4 pounds.  That is a tall order.  Especially since added activity will likely make my appetite increase.  I will see how much more burn I can get without jeopardizing my eating plan.  But realistically, it is going to take me at least another week to lose the 8 pounds.  To lose 8 pounds in 3 weeks, I need to average a 2.67 pound weight loss per week.  2.67 times 3,500 calories is 9,345 calories per week, divided by 6 days is a 1,557 calories per day deficit I need to get.  That is more doable.  If I stick to my eating plan and add a little bit of activity, that should be no problem.  That is provided I don’t overdo on Saturday so that I have to backtrack.  I did not overdo this past Saturday, I don’t believe.
So, I think it will probably be 3 weeks before I hit my preliminary goal.  That takes me to March 23, which gives me just over a week before Easter, when I wanted to be in that dress.  I hope 8 pounds is enough to have it fitting without being too tight.  Of course, it is a close-fitting dress anyway.  I think I was probably right around 250 the only time I ever wore it, and I felt good in it, so I should be okay.  I couldn’t have been below that, because I haven’t been below that in years.  But this keeps me motivated.  I really want to wear that dress on Easter.
I have to admit, I am getting lonesome on Sundays.  I haven’t gone to church the last couple of Sundays – still need time to get to know people and haven’t pushed myself to do anything about that yet.  I don’t get lonely on Saturdays because I usually see my kids, if only my son, since he pops home in the middle of the day even if he is working a double shift (which he usually does).  I usually have dinner with at least one of my girls.  I didn’t this week because I am poor and I know if I do, I am going to be paying for everyone.  I didn’t even eat out myself.  But if I don’t go to church on Sunday, I don’t see anyone, except people on the street.  I think the only time I talked out loud yesterday was to my dog.
So, I am going to make a goal to get out of the house and do one thing every weekend.  It will probably be going to church.  Something with my kids doesn’t count.  But I can go to church and still be lonely if I don’t go to a class or something that would help me meet people.  You usually don’t get to know people by just attending a Sunday service.  The thing is, I am wavering back and forth on where I want to go.  In one way, I want to go where I have been going for years because I get more out of it.  But in another way, I know that I am far enough away from that church that I will probably not get involved in smaller groups because it is too inconvenient.  So going to the one that is a little less content-wise, but something I could get involved in more easily, is probably what I should do.  Why say I am going to a church (talking about the old one) if I don’t get out and go?  It is too far away to get really involved.  At least the way I am now.  I may, however, go there once a month for the content, and I can always listen to Pastor’s messages online.
You may ask why it has to be church.  It doesn’t, but there is no one at work that I would connect with very often (occasionally, yes), I don’t go for the bar scene, and I don’t go anywhere else.  I guess I could look for other groups to be a part of, too.  For one thing, I am going to start going to a WW meeting, so that would be one option.  If I got involved in another community choir, that would be another option (probably won’t happen until after this case goes to trial, since rehearsals are on weeknights and I cannot depend on being able to make it to practice).  Another thing I need to do is start going to the mixers sponsored by our loft community.  I need to plan ahead of these, because when I realize, “oh, there is a mixer tonight,” I’m tired and I don’t want to go.  I do better planning ahead.  They post event calendars in the elevators of my building, so I need to check it and plan ahead to go to the next one.  Hopefully there will be some people there I would like to get to know.  Does anybody ever wonder if they will fit in at things like that?  I certainly do.
I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult this is for me.  I have been this way since I was a small child.  Always content to just be home with family and never taking the initiative in (and many times shying away from) friendships.  But I know overcoming this would be a big part of leaving the old me behind.  I can’t be content with just family anymore.  They all have their own lives that don’t involve me on a continuing basis.  I have my kids, but I need to have friendships away from my kids.  Ugh.  Why, why, why am I like this?  I just want to crawl in my little hole and stay there.  But if I do, I will never have the life I really want.
I wrote all that earlier today, and then things went to hell in a hand-basket (I wonder where that saying came from).  Work was busier and more stressful than it has been for a long time.  It was push, push, push to get things done and everything was going wrong.  Somebody’s login credentials weren’t working for electronic case filing, a document was corrupt and I lost all my changes after a visiting co-counsel dictated them over my shoulder, a project we were supposed to have ready tomorrow became ten times bigger than I was told on Friday.  I was starving the whole time.  Early on, I was handling everything pretty clinically.  I followed the plan, and though I had a little discomfort (hunger), I knew that is to be expected and was okay with it.  Then it got to dinner-time and I had no idea when (or if) I was going to be able to go home.  I ate my evening snack, but still felt like I could eat my arm.  Around 7:30, we decided there was nothing more we could do tonight (we were waiting on the copy service to get the copies run and they estimate they won’t be done until 7:00 a.m.).  I went home to feed my dog and get some food in my tummy and told them I would call to see if I needed to come back.  So I ate my dinner (all on plan) and called back and they said there was nothing more we could do until the copy service finished their job (I bet they love us), so I am done for the evening.  But I will have to go in at 7:30 a.m., so there will likely be no workout in the morning.
What a day.  But I stayed on plan with my eating.  I just wasn’t able to get any extra activity done.  Too bad stress doesn’t burn extra calories.  I still managed to get in 6,800 steps without a lunchtime walk or extra activity.  I guess I did a lot of walking at work.
I really wanted to cry at one point this evening.  I knew I hadn’t been told on Friday to do what it morphed into today.  But my boss didn’t care what the other guy had told me, he wanted the extra stuff done.
This post is long, so I will go.  I am kind of proud of myself for staying on track with my eating with such a stressful day.  I never was tempted – even with extra treats someone brought in the kitchen.  It goes to show how much of a healthy lifestyle is a mind thing more than a body thing.

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