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Monday, February 11, 2013

Too Much Time To Myself

It was nice to get to work and have my nice, clean desk I worked on yesterday.  I need to do that every weekend until I get things in really good shape.  As I have said before, one of my resolutions this year is to overcome my organizational weaknesses, particularly as related to my job.  I want to be known as the most organized assistant there, which would be quite a reformation.  I am very good at my job (you have to be, to work for the top gun), but that is one of my weaknesses.  Not that I cannot find things when I need them.  But looking at my desk did not inspire confidence in other people at times.  I always hate that.

I was not active enough this weekend.  I don’t want to always push, push, push all weekend, but I do like that feeling of accomplishment I have when I get things done.  Of course, there wasn’t as much to do because I have done a better job during the week to keep things in better order.

Cas has been restless at night the last few nights.  On early Saturday morning, he started this business of digging around on my bed, which makes sleeping pretty difficult.  I was ready for him.  He has had some nasal allergies lately and the vet said I could give him a little Benadryl.  Knowing it makes him sleepy, I had a dose ready at about 6:00 Saturday morning.  It did the trick, but almost too well.  He slept all day!  So when it came time to go to sleep Saturday night, he was restless.  I didn’t want to drug him again, so my sleep was interrupted quite a bit.  I had taken a muscle relaxant (the maximum dose I am allowed), since I have had tension building up in my shoulders the last week or so, which leads to my chronic headaches.  So I wanted to head that off before it got really bad again.  So, even though I had taken that, because of Cas, I still had quite a bit of interrupted sleep Saturday night.  I got up and went to work Sunday morning, came home and took Cas for a walk, and then a lot of the rest of the day, I sat in my chair and either watched television or read blogs.  The muscle relaxant was still having its effect and I couldn’t sit there very long without falling asleep.  I did get up at one point and go ride my bike, letting Cas run beside me, for 20-30 minutes.  I wanted him to release some energy so hopefully he would have a more restful night.  But other than that, except for picking up a little here and there and fixing my dinner, I didn’t do much Sunday.  Except for the one temptation struggle I described yesterday (and overcame), I did fine on my eating.  I just didn’t get up and move like I should.

I was still feeling draggy this morning.  However, not only did I have this dissatisfaction from yesterday, but when I have days like that, I feel lonely more than if I stay busy.  I definitely felt like I had my fill of time to myself.  I had one of those “I don’t want to go to work” feelings this morning, but I spent so much time by myself yesterday that I didn’t want to stay home today, if for only that reason.  Not to mention, I wasn’t sick, have way too much to do, and I needed to go to work.

The time is coming when I am going to want to get out and do more on the weekends.  But I still would like to feel some better first, for the most part.  I mean, before I go to the effort of trying to date again and ask people over, etc.  I am kind of in my preparation stage for that.  Of course, there are some things I could do that don’t involve food, but it seems like most of the time you get together with people, it involves food in some way.  My eating plan is a little too restricted for much of that right now, unless I time it with my meal off.  At the same time, I recognize that I am waiting for some future accomplishment before I really allow myself to live life.  But can I just stay in this stage a few more weeks?  Just until I transition to WW?  At least I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone in some ways – getting out and walking and riding my bike.

Here is something I would really like to start doing.  It probably sounds pretty lame to a lot of you who are younger, and it is not an active thing, but it is always something I have enjoyed.  I love playing cards and board games.  I would love to find a group of people who like to get together every couple of weeks and have a game night.  I would like to host that.  But, I would need to serve snacks and stuff, and until I am on a little less restricted eating plan, that would be difficult.  But soon.

I should try to find some fun thing to do that involves being active and being with people.  One thing that comes to mind is, years ago, I was in a bowling league.  I even had my own bowling ball.  I could do that.  But I am not sure how my back would hold up to that.  I couldn’t think about doing it right now, but I mean when my back gets better.  Have I ever told you we have a 2-lane bowling alley in my loft community?  It is free to tenants, and all I would have to do is reserve it.  But, as I said, I don’t know if I could do that with my back and knee.  Maybe later, when I get my weight down some more.  See how much of my life is on hold because of this?

In the summer, I could have cook-outs and pool parties on the patio.  But that would involve some bravery in being with people and being comfortable in a swimsuit.  :o  Maybe by summer I will be closer to that.

There are so many things I used to be able to do, but cannot now.  I used to play in a softball league and a volleyball league.  That is pretty much out of the question right now.  What do people “my age” do?  I need to get more involved at church in the singles group and go to some of their activities.  I just want to get my body ready to do whatever I ask of it.

I wish I was a naturally outgoing person, but I am not.  This will require effort to change and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I am friendly, and not really shy anymore.  I will talk to you on the elevator.  But inviting people to do things – not so much.  And I am such a home body!

I have been keeping a “weight loss journal” since the first of 2010, off and on.  I was reading what I was doing then and, I’m telling you, for me, I was a workout fiend.  I went through a break-up with a guy I really cared about (who never explained to me why, except that a lot of major not-so-good things were happening in his life; the not telling me why is what really got to me, but I still kind of miss him).  Anyway, I responded to that period by digging in and really trying to make progress through a plateau.  I got down to 253, my lowest (except for briefly, when I did HCG).  Then all hell broke loose – my daughter had a really serious foot surgery and was in so much pain, I tried to be with her as much as I could during her recovery, so let go of my workouts a lot during that time.  I remember having really bad headaches during that time too.  And then late that year is when my back really started hurting me.

Looking back, I think working out regularly held my chronic headaches at bay.  They are caused by tension and stress, so regular exercise helped with that.  When I was dealing with my daughter’s surgery, which was added stress, and didn’t have the regular exercise, they got really bad.  Lesson learned.  I would so love to get back to working out at the level I was then.  I walked on the treadmill (never did much running), but I walked on a 7 or 8 incline, which really increased my calorie burn.  I can’t even do that right now.  Hopefully I can when I get my weight down some more and get some pressure off the nerves.  Please, Lord, let it be!  Anyway, during this time period in my journal, I was doing 60 minutes on the treadmill every weekday morning, and then a strength workout in the evening or another cardio workout.  And I walked on a nature trail on the weekends a lot of the time.  I tried my best to get 10 workouts a week, and usually did.  I was trying to bust through a plateau.

I go to my knee doctor tomorrow to get an injection.  I am curious if the knee injection will help the radiating pain that I feel in my knees.  I am not sure.  I know it helped the other pain last time.  I will try to remember to ask him.  I also want to ask if there is any hope of my ever being able to run.  I think the knee is the thing that would keep me from it long-term more than the back, if my back gets better.  But running is pretty high impact, so the back issues might also keep me from ever being able to do it.  I am pretty sure the answer will be no, as far as the knee is concerned.  I am virtually bone on bone now, and I don’t think running after knee replacement is advisable, because it would cause the artificial joint to wear out.

I didn’t get to go home for lunch, so I am hoping I get off on time.  I need to walk Cas or he will keep me awake again tonight.  I may try to get out with my bike (sidewalks only), once downtown clears out a bit.  He needs to burn some energy.  But I still want to walk too.  The really sore knees I had late last week have improved (from the flare-up I experienced), so walking is less painful.  I am sure the injection(s) will help even more.  Maybe a few days after the injections, I will try the Leslie Sansone video again, this time without the knee lifts.

By the way, I figured out yesterday, riding a bike with jeans you just got into is not a good idea.  J  They were tight enough that they were uncomfortable when pedaling.  But I did it anyway.  It is too much of a pain to take my bike all the way back upstairs, change, and then down again.  I keep my bike inside my loft, but could leave it in the parking garage now, if I want to, since I bought a lock.  But I am still not really comfortable with that.  I think someone might want to steal my pretty red bike if given too much opportunity.  J  I get lots of comments on it and I love it (the bike, not the comments).

So, anybody got any ideas on how to get out there and meet people?

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