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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One of My Anchors


It’s been a busy day so far.

Last night was good.  I ate what I planned and, when I got hungry closer to bedtime (growling hungry), I ate a few baby carrots and drank some water.

I got up this morning and was VERY hungry.  I walked Cas first thing and, coming back, this time I remembered about the stairs, but honestly, I was just too empty.  I was going to climb them on my way up to get him at lunch, but I felt pressed for time.  I did climb the stairs when I got home last evening.  4 flights of stairs gets me really out of breath.  However, this is what my Body Media readout looked like last night:

I was pretty okay with that!

Even though I was really hungry when I got up this morning, I did not eat breakfast until I got to work.  Breakfast was a strawberry shake.  That pushed my morning snack to an hour later, and for that I had an MF Oatmeal Raisin Crunch Bar.  Lunch was MF Mac & Cheese and afternoon snack was a MF Peanut Butter Crunch Bar.  Dinner will be the other half of the piece of baked chicken I didn’t eat last night and some grilled asparagus.  Evening snack will be an orange crème shake.  I am not sure I ate enough meat last night.  The piece of chicken I cooked looked too large, so I ate half of it.  But I don’t think half of it was quite enough.  So I may cook a very small piece of fish to go with this.  I baked the b/s chicken breast and poured just about a tablespoon of barbecue sauce on it before cooking.  This was pretty tasty.  Actually, almost any “real” food I eat is pretty tasty, since my taste buds are so deprived the rest of the time.

I am already showing a loss for this week, so this week is going much better than the last two weeks.

I didn’t think I would get to go to lunch, since there is a group of co-counsel meeting in the conference room, and that meeting lasted through lunch, but my coworker told me to go on and she would cover me.  Turns out, my boss probably would have rather I stayed, but it turned out okay.  I’m glad, because that lunchtime walk is what helps me get all my steps in.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had to work late too, but my boss said he needed to leave at 5:45.  Yay!  I will get another short walk this evening and I have been getting lots of trips up and down the hall to the conference room.

My body is being fickle when it comes to pain.  Overall, my pain levels are much improved.  But I was just sitting in a chair reading last night and pain starts to shoot down my leg.  I had a hard time getting comfortable.  It has been doing that today, too, although it seems to be some better after my walk at lunchtime.  I never know if I am doing something to set it off, or if that is just the way it goes.

There is someone close to me that is slightly taller than I am, and wears two sizes smaller than I am wearing right now.  She wears her clothes pretty tight, so it may be less than two sizes.  I outweigh her by about 25 pounds.  When I look at her, I don’t feel like I will look as big as she does when I lose 25 pounds and close to two sizes.  But obviously I will, if I wear bigger sizes.  It goes to show how warped our perception is sometimes.  Of course, when I allow my picture to be made (which I very seldom do), I realize I look bigger than I think I do.  I think one reason she looks bigger to me is because she does wear her clothes too tight.  And, since I had a breast reduction, she is bigger, comparatively  peaking, in that area than I am now.

I got home from work and made my dinner, as planned.  Then I took Cas for another walk.  I drew the walk out a little more because my armband said I needed 1900 something steps to reach my target, but I was still short by 900 something.  I thought about how to get my steps in and I put in a Leslie Sansone tape, thinking I would just do a few minutes until I got my 900 steps.  I got going with it, and a few minutes in, my hips start hurting and burning.  Not my muscles, but the pain like I have that is connected to my back.  I kept going for about 4 minutes and called it quits.  My feet were also bothering me.  My new shoes came in and I was wearing them.  I think they were laced too tight in the ball area of my feet, and also when I put them on, my socks pulled too tight and kind of scrunched my toes.  As I got a few minutes into the video, my feet were cramping and also feeling kind of numb.  I will have to adjust my laces.  I still lack 600 something steps and would like to get those done.  I guess the keeping track of steps in a day is kind of motivating.  I don’t know what my hips were bothering me, because they didn’t when I was just walking Cas.  I was going at a faster pace; I wonder if that is why.  I probably will want to be using these videos in the coming months.  I have several of them.  Years ago, I did the 4 mile walk often, which was really pretty taxing with all the knee lifts and arm movements.  I remember I would do it in my bedroom while my husband was asleep in the bed.  He never woke up, that I know of.

Okay that’s bringing up some memories I would just as soon not dwell on.

I hope I can say this without sounding too petty.  One of the problems in my marriage (but not the big thing that caused me to leave) was that my husband had a big problem with my weight.  He would often say unkind things to me.  Particularly that he was ashamed of me.  He would not want me to go to certain places with him and let people know I was his wife.  One of my big goals is that next time I see him (which will probably either be when one of our kids gets married or if one of his parents went to be with the Lord), I want to see his jaw drop when he finally figures out it is really me.  Kind of like – this is what I was like with you; now this is what I am like without you – a confident, beautiful woman who doesn’t need any man’s approval to know she is worthwhile.  Not the weak (in some ways) woman who was diagnosed with battered wife syndrome.  No sir.  WW talks about having anchors.  This is a big one for me.  I don’t live for it.  But I sure will enjoy it when it happens.

Update:

I went back to the walking tape and did another 8 minutes.  It seems to be the knee lifts that make my hips hurt (I guess because it pulls on my back), so I just walked or did kicks when she did that.  I plugged my armband back in and it said I was still 93 steps short!  So I put it back on and went into the corridor of my lofts and walked up and down until I had well over 93 steps.  I went back and plugged it in and it still showed the same as before.  So I don't think it is entirely accurate.    However, if it is on the short side, that means I am actually walking more steps than it says, so that is all good.  Anyway, I was proud of myself for being determined to get it done!

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