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Friday, February 1, 2013

Don't Want to Repeat the Past

I had to work fairly late last night, in terms of when I could eat dinner.  Well, really, I had to work late under any terms.  That started me thinking about having a contingency plan in place for when that happens.  I get too hungry to leave that to chance.  I might have trouble on any given night waiting to eat until I got home, if it was late enough, and there is candy and nuts and peanut butter crackers around that I could get out of control on.  I think I will buy some of those grilled chicken strips like you have for fajitas, etc. and keep some in the freezer at work (or make some extra grilled chicken and do the same thing – that would probably be better).  I can also keep some kind of frozen vegetable on hand.  If I know ahead of time, I could get something “out” that would be suitable for a Lean & Green meal, but I don’t always know if I am going to have to.  Last night, I felt pretty strong and if it got too late, I was just going to have another MF meal and let that be it for the day.  Then I remembered I had some natural peanut butter at work, so I decided I would spread a Peanut Butter Crunch Bar with some peanut butter to equal approximately the amount of calories my Lean & Green meal would have been.  I don’t know how good of a plan that was, but at least it was not a bunch of carbs.  I thought about making a spiced pancake and spreading it with the peanut butter, but I didn’t have a way to cook that at work.  A microwaved pancake doesn’t sound very good.  But the peanut butter on the Crunch Bar was really good.  I also had a couple of raw carrots when I got home.

I had spiced pancakes this morning (actually, it makes one big pancake), and was still hungry.  That’s the trouble with underdoing one day – you are hungrier the next day.  But I am feeling pretty strong mentally.  I will have to guzzle the water, but I have been doing that most days.  Tomorrow I can have a meal off.  I can also go get some groceries so I have a little more variety.  Of course, I could have done that during the week, but I’m never too hep on getting out of downtown and going to the store during the week.  If I am in a crunch for something (this would not apply to fresh meat and vegetables, however), I can go to the CVS next door, which has a bigger supply of groceries than most CVS stores.  I think I will try going to Farmers Market this weekend and get locally grown foods.  I keep meaning to do that and never have.
I ordered my new running shoes (walking, for me). They are Asics GEL-Neo33 in black and purple. I was going for something the same as what I have, which are Asics GT2140s (which is what a store that analyzes your gait and tells you what type of shoe you need recommended). These popped up as an alternate recommendation and they were on sale for $30 less than the other. I read the description and it had the same description as far as how they are built – structural, wide toe bed, etc. My Asics have served me well, so I thought these would be good. I have gone many, many miles on the ones I have. See?

See the holes?
I got busy during the morning and didn’t have my morning snack as early as I thought I would need to.  Guess that’s good.  If I can push the other meals to later, and then have the later ones later too, it gives me less time to get hungry in the evening, when I am most vulnerable.

I am planning a busy weekend, which is good in some ways, but I really like at least one quiet day in a week.  I usually have plenty to do on Saturday, and if I go to church on Sunday, it makes it a really busy day too.  I wish I could go to church on Saturday night.  Or I wish my church was downtown.  I guess I could go to the early service, which would help a little.

I was curious yesterday how many steps difference the noon walks make in my day.  I checked my steps when I got to my loft during lunch yesterday and they were at 4,800 (exactly!).  I checked them again when I got home last night, after a noon walk, going back to work and home again, and many, many trips from my desk to the conference room and back last evening at work.  My total steps yesterday were over 9,800!  That’s pretty good for me, considering walking is not always the most comfortable thing in the world.  I set my goal at 8,000 steps for now, so I blew that one out of the water.  I also had a 2,100 calorie deficit yesterday (meaning I burned 2,100 more calories than I ate.  Not bad.

However, I don’t know if I am going to have a loss this week.  Right now I am showing a gain.  I don’t think my excessive Saturday and the slip-up night before last should have caused that (I am quite sure I did not go over what would be equal to my weekly points total on WW), but the body is unpredictable on any given day.  That does not mean I did not make progress this week.  That just means it is not showing on the scale yet.  But it’s a little disappointing anyway.  We will see what it says tomorrow.

I was going to wear the other pants I let the hem down on today, but they are really a little tighter than I want to wear them.  They don’t look bad, as long as I have a blouse long enough, but when you have to go to the restroom as many times as I am having to per day right now, I don’t like to have to wrestle with them (work at getting them buttoned, etc.).  They can wait a week or so.  I am wearing another pair I have not worn in a while.

I would like to start working on some toning or strength training exercises, but what my reflexologist said kind of spooked me.  She said you should not do any strength training until you have full range of motion or you will do more harm than good.  You only strengthen part of the muscle if you train without full ROM, which can cause problems from being out of balance.  She said I should do stretching until I get full ROM before I try any strength training, and that would probably take several months.  So why am I having so much trouble making myself do that?  I need to make that a priority.  I like strength training a lot better than stretching.  Goal – get that going this coming week!

As this day progressed, it was looking likely that I would have to work late tonight.  I decided to go to the cafeteria downstairs and get something suitable for a L&G meal.  I got some baked tilapia, some broccoli and some cooked carrots.  I know they have fat cooked into them, but I am allowed two servings of fat with my L&G meal.  I will try to drain the juice off (where a lot of the fat has melted) and hopefully won’t be eating too much fat this way.  It sure was hard to get that food and go put it in the refrigerator and then have a shake for lunch.  But if I eat the L&G meal mid-day, I would get too hungry at night.  So it will wait.

I did not like the way I did my off-day last week in that I bought my meals in advance (because some restaurants downtown are closed on the weekends).  I would much rather have a fresh meal at the restaurant than reheat a meal I bought the day before.  So I won’t do that again unless it is absolutely necessary.  But there are restaurants in downtown that are open on the weekend, if I am not able to get out of downtown for some reason.

I certainly am looking forward to the next phase – transitioning to WW – when I will have much more variety of (and better-tasting) food.  I am still committed to doing this until I get down to 250, but occasionally the thought of keeping this up for several more weeks is less than desirable.  I can always change if I want to.  But as long as I am feeling strong and determined, I will keep at it.

I was thinking this morning as I was walking around feeling thinner, and noticing people’s faces that they were probably noticing too, that people at work have seen me do this before – as in lose a substantial amount of weight.  I have worked here for over 19 years.  But I have always gained it back.  I can imagine them thinking that when they notice I am losing again.  This time, making this a lifestyle and maintaining whatever loss I achieve is my number one priority.  I thought at other times it was becoming a lifestyle, but something would always happen.  When I look back, it was usually something pretty major happening.  In 2002 I lost about 70 pounds and at the end of that period is when my husband started going nuts, the abuse escalated (with a whole new type of abuse), and I totally lost focus.  Kind of understandable, if you knew what all happened.  The last time, in 2009, I lost around 70 pounds, and what threw me off was my daughter had several surgeries, one of them pretty serious as far as pain and recovery, and I had to stay with her after work and got off my workout schedule, and then the problems with my back started up with a vengeance.  I was also having pretty bad chronic headaches during the period.  At the end of 2010, I was barely getting around.  I recall losing a similar amount of weight in 1995 right before my mother passed away unexpectedly.  She was 63.

All I know is, for me to have success and keep being successful, I have to stay very focused on what I have to do to lose/maintain weight.  The only time I had “long term” success was when I was 20 years old.  The main thing I did nutritionally was I stopped eating sweets, although I do recall doing some other things towards the end to get the last of the weight off.  When I don’t eat sweets, the rest of my appetite seems to regulate itself better.  I lost down to 135, which for me at 5’7”, was pretty trim.  I did not eat sweets for 3 years and kept the majority of my weight off (within 15 pounds) the whole time.  The 15 pounds came back when I was not walking as regularly as I had been when losing.  Why I ever started eating sweets again, I do not know, because when I did not eat them, I did not crave them.  I was so practiced at saying no that it wasn’t even difficult anymore.  I didn’t even consider it.  Then one Christmas a friend talked me into trying some of her Christmas baking because it was made with honey.  I knew better, but I did it.  And it wasn’t long until I was tasting every Christmas goodie around.  And I have never been able to do it to that extent again.  A lot of the weight came on after I got married and the abuse started.  Then after I had my first baby, it was so easy to gain weight and it escalated from there.  I have not been below 200 since my first child was born in 1984.  I may have to get to where sweets are something I have to say no to if I want to make this a lifestyle.  We will have to see.  I don’t have a very good history of being able to control how much of it I eat.  If I eat it, I crave it.  It is definitely an addiction for me.  Can someone hold an addiction back to just a little bit?  I don’t know.  If I keep having slip-ups involving sweets when I get going on WW, I will have to say no to them.  Being healthy and without so much pain is much more desirable that being able to eat sweets (if I can make myself remember that “in the moment”).

I was struggling with being hungry about an hour after I drank my shake for lunch.  I was worried about making it until snack time, still two hours away, and then making it to dinner time, 3 hours after that.  As it turned out, Jerry had me holed up in an office with him and an expert witness, working on a report, and I had not time to think about being hungry.  I finally got my snack at a little before 5:00.  Then about 7:00 I had the dinner I bought and put in the refrigerator.  I am still at work, but when I get home, I will get one more snack (or if it is too long, I can have it here).

Well, that’s a wrap.  Happy weekend everyone!

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