It’s been a tough day, considering how optimistic I was going into it. Not tough diet-wise, so much, just stuff I am dealing with.
Once again I am realizing how much I need to set more boundaries in my life. I actually spoke up and said something when I needed to this time, and it bothered and ate on me the whole afternoon. Even though it needed to be said. I am just not used to doing that. It’s sad…for me and for the person I had to say it to. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to do this. I suppose I will get used to it eventually, if I keep doing it.
Makes me know I have some work to do before getting going in a long-term relationship, such as another marriage. This was a problem in my first marriage. I couldn’t speak up for myself enough, so I ended up being walked all over. And if I am not careful, I will draw the type of person who is quite willing to walk all over me again. So I am going to continue to work on it. Change like this certainly is painful and uncomfortable. But necessary. And I am quite sure my weight problem is a by-product of this problem. There are some books I need to read (I have them, just need to read them again or for the first time), that deal with this issue. I think it’s important for my progress.
I was scanning in some big documents the rest of the afternoon, so just had to kind of oversee it and could read a weight loss blog while I was at it. That was good because it helped me get my mind off of the above. No response from the other person after I was direct about the issue. I hate that.
Well, the other person came over last night. A little sulky, and didn’t say anything about our exchange. I didn’t either. I thought about it again this morning and got kind of mad. Mad about what I spoke up about. What I said really needed to be said. They didn’t even apologize. Hopefully things will improve. But I know I did what I needed to do.
The thing is, I am realizing how codependent some of my relationships are. Obviously this one involves a child. I think I need to strive for a little more independence for both of us – for their sake, as well as mine. It’s okay to help, but some of what is going on is not healthy.
I was on track yesterday. The only variation was I was feeling a little hungry last night and ate some roasted vegetables. There were all lower calorie vegetables, frozen in a bag. I sprayed a little non-stick spray on them (I really need to get me an oil mister), put seasoning on them, and baked them in the oven. I like vegetables cooked this way.
My weight is not moving as readily this week. I am still 1 pound above where I was Saturday morning, after my off-day. I don’t think it’s that I ate so much Saturday, it’s just that it interrupted the fat burning that was going on and it has to get going again. I am going to eat a little better this Saturday. Honestly, what I am craving are healthier things, like main dish salads and Chinese stir-fry (which, if cooked correctly, can be plenty healthy). I am going to eat more like on maintenance this week.
As far as exercise goes yesterday, I did what I planned, except I did not do the stretches for my back. I don’t know why I have such a hard time making myself do that. I also got up and walked my dog this morning.
My neck is bothering me a little bit (feels a little like before I had neck surgery). I think it is from sleeping in the chair a couple of nights. If you have read earlier posts, you might remember I had a double fusion in my neck a year and a half ago. It was always my theory that the reason my neck got messed up was from sleeping in a chair for three years. Sleeping in the chair felt better on my lower back, but I would rest my elbows on the arms of the chair and (for lack of a better way to describe it), my head would sink down between my shoulders. Kind of like sleeping with your shoulders shrugged. I suspect this is what messed up my discs. Even though sleeping in a chair sometimes feels better on my lower back, I don’t think it IS better for my lower back. In fact, the reflexologist told me I should work toward sleeping flat on my back, as opposed to with my knees elevated. That is because it is shortening the muscles and decreasing your range of motion as time goes by. Right now, there is no way I could sleep that way all night. Even elevated, I have pain shooting down my leg (which is why I have moved to the chair a couple of times lately). Hopefully this will improve soon as I get more weight off.
I have been reading Lori’s blog the last couple of days, now that I am caught up on Michelle’s and Shelley’s again. I am reading in 2008 when she was getting past the 100-pound mark. The thing that makes all these girls’ stories the same is they all became athletes. I know that is what I have to work toward. It’s just that there is no way I can run, for instance. I have to be really careful what I do at this point. I hope that changes because I know that is what is going to give me long-term success. I do not believe I will ever be able to be a runner though. I am already looking at a knee replacement and I don’t think you can run regularly after a knee replacement (but I could be wrong). My goal is to compete in bike events someday. Or possibly swimming. But the swimming stroke is a little difficult because of my neck surgery. However, I think I just need to recover as much range of motion as is possible. After the reflexologist works on my neck, I am always surprised how much ROM I have.
I did a little reading online today and found a training program for beginning bike riders who want to lose weight, and who later want to start training for a competition of some sort in the future. I know that I probably do not have the bike ultimately needed (I have a cruiser bike), but I think I can still get started. I am not sure how soon I will start this, but I want to start getting my brain wrapped around it and I need to make myself start getting out on my bike regularly now. I am just trying to educate myself a little first.
I typed this just before I left for lunch, and I was thinking as I walked home that it felt pretty far-fetched, given my present physical condition. But I am sure it is that way for everyone who goes from a lifetime of being significantly overweight to becoming an athlete. Before I even start on a formal training program, I can start getting out on my bike more, just to do everyday things. I live in Downtown Dallas, so there is a lot of bike riding I could do just to do things downtown. I could order takeout and go pick it up, I can ride to the library (which really is close enough to walk to), I can ride down to the dog park, I can ride to the new park they have just built, I can ride to Farmers Market, etc., etc. I just need to get more used to that idea. I need to think outside my comfort zone. Not only is getting out and doing this kind of thing on a bicycle kind of foreign to me, but just getting out and doing stuff at all requires me to go outside of my norm. Now is the time to start.
|Cas has to sit and |
be calm before we can go.
|Here we go - down Main Street|
|Main Street Garden -|
I walk around it and go back home.
|Cas was ready to get out and about.|
Sometimes I am aware that I probably go into too much detail on my blog. But if I can overcome, other people who are having the extent of problems I have, both physical and relational, etc., can know that it can be done, even with so much to deal with. So much of what needs to happen for me is that I need to continue to get well on the inside. And this is an outlet for me that is much needed.
I loved Shelley’s blog yesterday, though. She said that the reason she felt she was able to keep the weight off for as long as she has, and why it worked this time when she had failed so many times before is, she finally put enough days and weeks and months together where it became a way of life. That kind of goes along with the theme of my blog – 500 days to where I want to be. I know if I can put together enough successful days in sequence, I can get where I want to go with my weight and health. Then I just have to keep on doing it long enough to where it has becomes my lifestyle. That’s what I want. And that is where I plan to get.