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Friday, January 18, 2013

Giving Myself a Pep Talk

Last night was a rough one.  I stayed on track all day, with no problem, really.  I knew I would have to work late and brought my meals.  I worked until a little after Midnight.  My boss took me home.  Since my son is staying with me, he often has my keys and my fob because he is typically out later than I am and I don’t want to have to wake up to let him in.  You have to have a fob to get in the building, and then, of course, keys to get in my apartment.  We keep meaning to have extra keys made, but keep forgetting.  I had no trouble getting into my building, since I can call myself from the directory and open the door with a code on my phone.  But when I got up to my apartment, I was locked out.  Not what I was in the mood for after working that many hours and at that late hour.  My son usually gets off a lot later than I do (often after I have gone to bed).  When he got home, he thought I had gone on to bed and didn’t want to disturb me.  He had somewhere he wanted to go, so he left and locked the door behind him.  When I got home, I had no key.  He was all the way in Arlington (probably a 30-minute drive).  So I had to sit in the lobby and wait for him to get home so he could let me in.

Then, when I got in bed and started trying to go to sleep, the radiating pain I have been having started up with a vengeance.  I don’t know why, unless it was the 50 (it seemed like) trips up and down the hall I made from my desk to the conference room last night.  I tried to prop myself sitting up to hopefully take the pressure off the nerve, but nothing worked.  I tossed and turned for over 2 hours and finally decided I was going to have to try something else.  I went out to the living room (my son was still up) and asked him if we could trade places.  Sometimes I can sleep sitting up on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table.  I tried that for a while, but the pain was still shooting down my leg too much to fall asleep.  I then moved to the recliner – same problem.  I was going to use my heating pad earlier, but it stopped working.  So I got up and took a hot bath at around 3:00 a.m.  I went back to the chair after that and was finally able to drop off to sleep.  I had forgotten to take my medication in early evening, so still had two doses left for the day.  I took one right before I left work.  After tossing and turning a good while, I took another one (I really needed to sleep).  I was still in my quota for the day.  But it still didn’t do enough to let me fall asleep.  Unbelievable.

Because I was up so late, I was quite aware of how empty I was.  I was tempted to eat something – some vegetables or fish or something – but it was so late, I knew I needed to get to bed and I was hopeful that I could go on to sleep despite the empty feeling.  The good news is, that didn’t really bother me and I was able to get through the night without anything “extra” to eat.  The pain is very motivating.  I have to get in a better place.  I cannot function like this indefinitely.

I slept until after 7 this morning and finally got up because my dog wouldn’t stop whining.  At least I already had my bath done.  I let my supervisors know I would be in at about 9:30 (which they actually encourage, when I have had a late night).

I got on the scale this morning and I have now lost 11.8 pounds.  We will see what my weekly total is tomorrow, but I expect I will go over 12 pounds for the first week.  Yay!  This has to help my back; I just don’t know if it is enough anymore (weight loss in general, I mean).  Hopefully as I get more off, it will make more difference.

I had “oatmeal cookies” for breakfast and a strawberry “shake” for lunch.  I will have a snack bar this afternoon, and I think I will try the Mac & Cheese for dinner.  I was going to have it Sunday, but I want to see if I like it enough to make it one of my orders, so want to taste it sooner (they sent it as a sample).  My evening snack will be a “brownie.”  All this sounds so much better than it really is.  Everything is pretty yuck.  We will see about the Mac & Cheese.

Tomorrow I get a day off (on my diet)!  Yay!!!!  I went in the kitchen at work a few minutes ago to drink down my “shake” and one of my bosses was eating barbecue.  I cannot even tell you how good that smelled.  I was planning on going to the Mexican restaurant where my son works tomorrow.  They have Mexican food like you would find in Mexico City, instead of the usual Tex Mex you find around here (which I love).  But the menu sounds good.  It is a little bit pricier restaurant than we typically go to, so we might go and split entrees.  I will try to hold down the amount I eat, and if so, maybe I can have some barbecue for my other meal.  Again, a reasonably sized meal.

As much as I do not like the food, I am obviously very happy with the results of Medifast this week, so that is motivating, and the pain issues are very motivating.  I cannot continue to live this way indefinitely (with the pain).  When I am starting to have pain all day while sitting and I cannot sleep, it is getting past the point that I can just cope with it.  Sometimes you can come out of back surgery with more pain than before, but I feel like I am getting to the place where that could not possibly be true.  I know how much the neck surgery helped the radiating pain in my arm and shoulder; I have to believe back surgery would help my legs and hips, which is where I have the most pain.  Of course, I really, really hope it will not be necessary and that weight loss will take care of it.  But I have to do something one way or the other now.  I cannot keep going like this.

At times this week I would think, I don’t know if I can keep doing this (because the food is so bad and I do get hungry).  But I know that on those days when I am just too hungry, I can have that lean and green meal.  Before I started this, all the overeating had made it so that nothing really sounded good.  Except sweets.  Sweets usually sounded good.  And the cereal I had for breakfast.  I think that was more about thirst than hunger.  Now, so many things sound good.  Healthy things.  The fish and vegetables I ate the other night tasted so good, I have been looking forward to the next time I can have some.  So I am glad for this.

I was talking to a friend of mine at work.  She just came through a life-threatening illness.  We are both in the place where we are taking care of everybody but ourselves (at least she was until this happened).  She told me she thought it was only a matter of time until I am in the hospital.  I was telling her how tired I am of not feeling like doing anything other than go to work.  I don’t try to date because I just don’t feel like going anywhere right now, most of the time.  Part of that is mental and part of that is physical.  I told her I was determined to get enough weight off by mid-Summer that I either feel better and don’t need surgery, or I am to the place where I can have surgery.  Unless an emergency arose, it would be out of the question right now as far as my work schedule goes.  Once this case goes to trial, things will slow down.  That is why I want to use this time between now and then to the fullest.  I can’t fool around, not getting anywhere, or losing a few and then gaining a few.  And I need to lose at a faster rate than 5 pounds a month.  Actually, I am wanting to get off somewhere around 70 pounds by then.  I have already lost almost 12.  I am going to need a more aggressive weight loss plan eating-wise, or I am going to have to do a lot of working out to lose at the pace I need to.  Since I limited what I can do exercise-wise, I have to do more on the eating side.  That is why I picked this program and that is why I have to stay with it.  I am giving myself a pep talk.  Things have to change.  I have to be careful not to put too much pressure on myself; at the same time, I need to take advantage of this motivation while it is here.

As far as exercise, soon I need to push through that thing that always happens when you start an exercise plan.  The place where it seems just too hard.  I have to expect that it is going to feel difficult, push through that time, until I get to the feel-good part of working out.  I think I will work on a plan this weekend.  It will start out slow, because I am not eating very many calories right now, but I want to have a plan to build on.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

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