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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Feeling Better and a Message Someone Might Need to Hear


I feel good today.  I have not taken any pain medication and am feeling pretty good, pain-wise.  I feel motivated and optimistic.  Thank the Lord, it is about time.

Food was on track yesterday.  I did eat some vegetables again last night.  This morning I made the “cookies” out of my Medifast Oatmeal, and for the first time, it tasted almost good.  One key I am finding is to add enough salt.  I also added craisins, which I have done before, but a few more this time.  With the little bit of calories I am eating, I know that will be fine.  And if it keeps me on track by making the food where I don’t dread it so much, I think it is worth it.

I got up and walked Cas first thing this morning, then took him back to my loft and went to the fitness center and did 20 minutes on the recumbent bike.  I had not planned on trying to start that until next week, but my reading has motivated me and I want to get going in my quest to become an athlete.  I could have done more than 20 minutes (I took a fairly leisurely pace, for now), but I wanted to take it easy to get started.  I felt good and no big pain issues with the walk or the bike.  Yes!!!!!!

I was thinking the first thing I will do on getting started with my bike is just push myself to get out on it more.  I can use it for getting around downtown for things like picking up some takeout food (on my off day), going to the library, going to the park they just built, going to the dog park, going to Farmers Market, etc., etc.  One thing that has been holding me back, I think, is taking Cas with me.  Although there are times I want to take him with me, I would prefer to do that on a walking/ biking track where there are no cars.  I just don’t feel confident enough to get out on the busy streets when there is much traffic and have Cassie running beside me.  He likes to keep his distance from the bicycle, so you have to be very careful in traffic, and I just don’t feel that confident about riding yet.  So I need to give myself permission to go places without taking him with me (I always feel guilty because he spends so much time by himself during the week).  I do want to do that to give him more exercise, but not everywhere.  I can put him in the basket, but it is a hassle and he doesn’t like it that much.  But if I were going to ride to the park or the dog park, of course I would take him with me.  At least I am getting out and walking him more again, and will continue to do that.  Someday I would like to rollerblade with him!

Not only will the above get me on the bike, but it will get me out of the house, which is something I need to work on.  I am too content to be by myself and I hole up at home too much when I am not working.  I was going to say I am going to pick one place mentioned above and do that this weekend.  But that will depend on the weather.  I think I heard another cold front is coming in.  How cold is too cold to ride a bike?

I got my next shipment from Medifast today.  This time I chose what was in it, based on what I know about the food that was in it last time and recommendations online.  One thing I got was the Spiced Pancakes.  That is what I had for lunch.  These were actually pretty good, considering it’s Medifast.  It’s not like I am going to crave them, but I won’t dread them either.  I exchanged a couple of things that I just could not stomach and I will have another box of this coming with the exchanges, so I am good with that.  I didn’t know that the sugar free syrup did not come with it, so I will have to buy me some.  I put the tiniest little bit of honey on them this time, but will not do that again.  I still think they will be good even with the SF syrup.

I have read complaints about shipments taking too long to get there, but I ordered mine Monday and it was here today.  Of course, the shipping facility is right here in the Metroplex.  I could have waited a little longer to order, but wanted to make sure.

My pain level was good all morning without taking medicine.  I finally took some a little bit before leaving for lunch.  I was feeling it on my walk.  Not as much pain as that thing where it feels difficult to move my legs from the hips.  When I walked from my loft back to work, my hips were bothering me more (as in pain).  But at least I am a little better.  And this afternoon, I have that good-tired feeling like you have when you first start working out.  I wouldn’t have thought what I am doing could be called “working out” yet, but I guess it can.  You have to start somewhere.  I feel much more positive about my life going forward.

The next little bit, I am going to talk about my faith, so if that bothers you, just giving you the heads up.  I have been through a lot in my lifetime.  My growing up years were good, with no big obstacles other than dealing with being overweight and I was quite insecure.  I was probably the type you would call a "Goodie Two Shoes" and I never got into much trouble.  Once I got married, though, life was a constant tumult, or so it seemed.  I think I just married the wrong person (this was because I was not secure with myself and I was afraid no one else would ask me; I can admit that to myself now).  I really feel that my husband, although very nice looking and charming (until you lived with him) was mentally ill, and that became more apparent as the years went on, but at the time, I couldn’t see that.  I was diagnosed with battered wife syndrome at the end.  I always thought if I could just lose weight, things would be better.  He often told me he was ashamed of me and that I was disgusting.  Now, though, I think if I had lost the weight and become the beautiful and confident woman I felt like he wanted (and what he thought he wanted too), our marriage would have broken up years before.  A strong woman would not have stayed and put up with what I did.  I stayed for 21 years and it got worse and worse.  His jealousy ended up in one HUGE betrayal on my husband’s part (not cheating on me) and mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse.  And that was with me weighing nearly 300 pounds.  I can’t imagine how jealous he would have been if I was slim.  I couldn’t see how much I was being abused until I got out.  He left me little choice -- I had to get out for the safety of me and my children.

The other thing that happened in my life was, my son really struggled with some behavioral issues and the climax came when he was finally sent away to TYC, which is basically prison for youths.  Never in my life would I have predicted I would be visiting my child in prison, but I did.  It was an extremely difficult thing to go through.  I think a lot of my son’s difficulties came from his tumultuous relationship with his father and it is still having its effect to this day.  Now my son says he thinks he did a lot of things, just to get back at his dad.  And I want to say that my son is the sweetest guy you will ever meet and there is nothing criminal about him.

The other thing I have dealt with is, my daughter was raped at a young age (I didn’t know this until many years later) and she has struggled with physical issues for many, many years.  She has had at least 15 surgeries in the last few years and there has been a lot of turmoil in my life, dealing with this.

I said all this to illustrate that I have been through a thing or two.  And I think someone might need to hear this.  I have to say, I never would have made it through all this without my faith in God.  It was my rock.  He is my rock.  I am not a person who goes around spouting spiritual things all the time, other than to say I will pray about something, etc., but if I had not had my faith grounded in God and His goodness, I think I would have lost my marbles years ago.  And now, I know He will help me through this phase of my life where I try to deal with and overcome my weight problem and my physical issues.  My husband was what I call “pseudo-spiritual,” always out to save the world and talking about spiritual things, but it didn’t always carry forward into practical matters.  For example, he didn’t even take care of his own family and still doesn’t.  My faith is very practical.  My faith has evolved through the years, but if it does not carry into your everyday life and change you there, then I don’t think it is worth anything.  Do I think God cares about my weight and my struggles?  Very much.  Not because I am not living up to some standard He demands (which is what my husband did), but because He knows it is hurting me.  And I know He is right there, waiting to give me strength when I ask.  He doesn’t always take the storm or the struggle away, but He helps me walk through it.  The last few years have been a process of peeling off layers and healing me from the inside out.  That had to be done before I was ready to carry out this journey physically.  There is more to be done, but I think I am ready.  I know He will help me become who He created me to be, if I will lean on Him.

1 comment:

  1. Very well said. I'm glad you have your faith to carry you through. You've faced some difficult things, endured years of hard times, but you are finally caring for yourself. Keep going, keep moving, don't let anything stop you.

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