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Friday, September 28, 2012

Getting Back in the Groove

Yesterday was the first day in quite a while, it seems like, that I had a good eating day, all the way through.  I had tracked my eating up until I left work and I had 16 points left.  I made a “stir-fry” using some boneless pork chops and some frozen stir-fry vegetables and a recipe I had for Schezuan (sp?) chicken.  I adapted it some, because it called for you to coat the chicken in a mixture of egg white and cornstarch and fry it in quite a bit of oil.  I did not do that.  I just sliced the pork into thin strips and sautéed it in a little oil.  Then I took the meat out and sautéed the vegetables, then added the meat back and added the sauce from the recipe.  I had made some rice in my rice cooker the other day, so I had the stir-fry over about a half a cup of rice.  I would have preferred to use brown rice, but white was all I had and I was testing out my rice cooker for the first time the other day (easy!).  I need to buy some brown rice.  Anyway, it was very good, although I will adapt the recipe a little next time (I thought it had a little too much ginger and it was pretty spicy, so I may or may not alter the amount of crushed red pepper).

I ate half of the mixture I made (there were two pork chops) and had an apple after that, and that was all I had last night.  I cannot imagine it had more than 16 points, although I will have to calculate the recipe to find out.  I felt fine about how I ate for the day.

This morning I was leaving my apartment and realized I had not fixed myself any breakfast.  I have been fixing it and eating before I leave every day, and it didn’t occur to me to do that this morning, for some reason.  I stopped at Potbelly and got a Ham, Mushroom, Egg and Swiss Cheese on wheat square (that is the smaller portion of bread), for 10 points.  I had a banana left at work, and had that with it (still 10 points).  I get 38 points a day.  For lunch I will either have some more of the chili I made yesterday or the other half of the stir-fry I made, and I will have the other one of those choices for dinner.

I took Cassie for the same length walk last evening that I did yesterday morning, so got a good bit of walking in (for me).  I took him just around the block this morning, but will walk him at lunch and after work, if I don’t have to work too late.  I am going to try climbing the stairs, at least part of the way up, on at least one of the times I return home.  If that goes okay, I will try to do that more than one time a day until I work up to at least going up the stairs all the time.  Going downstairs really hurts my knees, so I am not going to do that at this point.  I don’t mind being sore in the usual sense, but I do not want to set off flare-ups with my back.

Okay, I have now tracked the recipe for the stir-fry and the rice last night (to the best of my memory, and I am quite sure it is near accurate, especially for the ingredients that have points), and it came out to 12 for the stir-fry and 3 for the rice.  So I was 1 point under my limit last night.

One of the things I am really liking about living alone is that the housekeeping for one is so much easier than the housekeeping for four or five.  Even though I was living with adults, I seem to find it much easier to just pick up after myself (and my dog) than when everyone else was living there.

One thing I do not like about living downtown:  I can walk the 1-1/2 blocks to work, and sometimes up to 5 people will ask me for money.  I hate that!  When I walk Cassie, I purposely do not carry any money so I can honestly say I do not have any.  I would say there ought to be a law against that, but there is a law against it and it still happens all the time.  There are these certain “type” that have newspapers about the homeless they try to sell you “for a donation”.  They are on almost every corner downtown.  I cannot afford to give everyone money and many of them I question what the money will be used for.  Very seldom do I give anybody anything, but every once in a while, someone will catch me at a weak moment.  I am all for helping the poor, but I would prefer to do it in a different way, where I am sure the money is being used to help with their needs and not to buy liquor at the liquor store.  I truly hate this and wish they could enforce it.

It occurs to me that I am overdue for pictures of me.  I will have to have help with those too, so if I think of it at the right time, I will get my daughters to help with that and post some.  I have lost about 20 pounds since the last ones I posted, so I am wondering if you can see the difference.

I feel like I am getting in a good groove, finally.  I didn’t give up!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Well, What Do You Know?

Well, what do you know?  I braved the scale this morning, even though my eating has been very inconsistent.  I was down 3 pounds from the last time I logged my weight on the WW website.  I attribute this loss to all the walking.  I am walking virtually everywhere now, including walking my dog 3 times a day most days.  I guess it has been doing more good than I knew.

My “official” weigh-in days are Saturday, so I will wait to log my weight until then.  But this was just the boost I needed to encourage me to step it up.  If I can lose that much eating like I have been, just think how good I can do if I eat better.

I ended up working pretty late last night – until 9:15 p.m.  My boss said he was not going to try to get into the office until early afternoon at the earliest today (he has been extremely busy the last few weeks – most of it out of town in depositions), and he said we might be working late tonight, so why didn’t I come in at 10:00 today.  So that is what I did.  However, when I left last night, I was pretty hungry.  I had decided to stop by this one place to get me something to eat, and although their sign says they close at 2:00 a.m., they were locked up tight.  Everywhere else (except Subway, which I was not in the mood for) would have taken longer than I wanted or was closed, so I just went on home.  My dinner consisted mostly of carbs.  Not good.  So I didn’t finish out very well last night.  If I had been prepared, I would have done fine, because I wasn’t having a lot of “uncontrollable” cravings.  When my mind is set, I usually have a plan for such situations, and last night I did not.  So I am going to work on that.

This morning, first, I got up at 5:30 and just took the dog out to potty.  I was not ready to get up, but he was insistent.  He was raring to go, but I wasn’t.  So, after that, I got comfy on the couch and slept until 6:30.  Then I got up and got out the door to take him for a walk.  I knew, going in at 10:00, that I would not be going home for lunch, so I took him for a long walk (about 30-45 minutes).  When I got back to the apartment, I made some chili (a recipe from Rachael Ray - minus the avocado sour cream this time - that is soooo good), and brought that and an apple for lunch.

If I do have to work late, I am going to go over to Subway and get me some dinner.  I have been shying away from Subway because it has a lot of carbs, but it would have been better than what I had last night.  Or I could plan ahead and get a salad from Potbelly, but then if I don’t work late, I have done that for nothing.  I will decide.  I wish there were more places open at night around here.  A lot of places just cater to the work crowd and close up at around 2:00.  Hopefully, as more and more people are living downtown (there are already a lot!), the restaurants will start catering to the residents too, instead of just the working community.

I am getting my grocery list all finalized and meal plans made so I will have things to eat and a plan at all times in the next couple of weeks.  That makes a big difference for me.  I am having to get used to this living by myself thing.  I am focusing on meals.  If I get in good meals, it really cuts down on my grazing between meals.

My boss and I had an interesting conversation last night.  He was asking me what I wanted for Christmas.  It started with him asking me about my loft, how I like it, etc.  Then he moved to, did I need anything for it and what did I want for Christmas.  I really do not need much in the way of furniture.  I had to downsize to move in, so I have pretty much everything I need.  I told him there was one thing I wanted, but it was too expensive for me to ask him for it for Christmas.  He wanted to know what it was.  I told him I wanted an adjustable bed.  He asked how much they cost and I said at least $1,000 or more.  Then I told him I had also been wanting an Electra Cruiser bicycle and I told him about that.  He told me to research those two things and find out what they would cost, etc. and let him know.  He said I had been “a very, very good girl this year, except for that whole Labor Day week thing.”  (He doesn’t like it when I am gone.)  :)

Anyway, I did find an adjustable bed frame for $820 before taxes and shipping, etc.  (I would just put my tempurpedic mattress on the frame.)  I will show him that.  I don’t know if he will spend that much or not, but he might, because he is the most generous person I have ever met.  Maybe I should try to rent some kind of an adjustable bed, just to see how I do on it.  I would hate to spend all that money on it and then it not do what I need it to do.  In some ways, I would rather have the bicycle.  But I am much more likely to be able to buy the bicycle for myself sooner (I got an unexpected small check in the mail -- the last distribution from my father's estate, plus I have some left in savings, if I can hold off spending it because of Stephanie being out of a job) than I would be able to buy the bed.  We will see how it works out.  I certainly don’t expect him to spend that kind of money on me, but if he wants to, I guess I will let him.  :)

The bicycle would fit in with the lifestyle I am wanting to build.  I can use it to get to places in downtown that are a little further away or when I need to do something a little faster than I could walking there.  I also want to be able to ride the bicycle while running Cassie on a leash to help burn off some of his energy.  I couldn’t do that in heavy traffic, but I could take the bicycle to Katy Trail and do it, or could do it early in the morning before there is much traffic.  I would want to get a basket for it, and I could put Cassie in the basket until I got to a safe area for him to run, and could put him in it when he got tired.  He is just so much easier to handle when he does not have too much pent-up energy, and it is hard for me to walk enough at this point, with my back and legs hurting like they are, to burn off enough energy.  He could burn it off a lot faster running.  I do hope to be able to roller blade at some point, and could run him that way on Katy Trail.  Again, all part of the new lifestyle I want to build.

Already, I am being more active just by walking everywhere.  I do think I am going to start climbing the stairs some and see how I do.  Going down hurts too much, but going up didn’t hurt last time.

Ultimately, I want to get to where I can take some enjoyable bike “trips”.  I don’t know what kind of places there are to do that around here, but I am sure there are some.  Since I likely will never be able to be a runner, I want to be avid biker.  The Cruiser will be a good thing for me to start with and a good thing for around downtown.

If you can’t tell, that 3-pound loss boosted my motivation.  I really want to get moving.  I am drinking my water and feel like I can stay on track with my eating.  It was just what I needed to turn things around.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

One Foot in Front of the Other

I am doing better this afternoon (it is about 2:30 p.m.).  I felt kind of shaky this morning (as in my resolve).  But I went downstairs to Chick-Fil-A at lunch to get me something to eat.  I fully intended to get a regular (fried) Chick-Fil-A sandwich and some fries (telling myself I just have to do what it takes to stay off the sweets today, and that is all I will concentrate on).  As I was waiting in line, I got to thinking, I will get just as full on a grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad.  So that is what I ended up ordering.  I guess sometimes we do the right thing in spite of ourselves.

I feel like crying this afternoon, and I am not exactly sure why.  I had a conversation with my daughter about my other daughter and it seems to have started after that.  I think it is probably that things are changing – kids are becoming more independent – and I am going to have to become more accustomed to that.  I was trying to explain in more detail, but I think I will just leave it at that.  Sometimes change is difficult.  I will be glad to get my car back, so I can be fully independent.  I guess I could just take the train, etc.  That issue involves my son, not my daughter.  And none of what I am talking about concerns the car.  It’s just the thing that keeps me from being fully independent from my kids.  I think the thing that is bothering me is that I have always gone out of my way (sometimes to my own detriment) to help my kids, so for one to seem a little ungrateful strikes deep.  My daughters don’t read my blog, by the way.  I feel better now that I have articulated what was bothering me.

I have tried to keep myself occupied a little more actively this afternoon, so I wouldn’t get so sleepy.  I usually am very busy, but my boss is out of the office in meetings and hearings.  I have had to choose things to do that didn’t make me feel so sleepy (like yesterday, when I was reading depositions).  I am trying to clean up and organize my area a little.  It has gotten a little messy during my really busy times.  And, I admit, I can be organizationally challenged.  It is something I have to work on.

Some days when I come back from a walk, I feel really taxed, like I have had a pretty hard workout.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it is when it is really hot?  At lunch today, I stopped off at Chick-Fil-A, so took a different route.  To leave the building (lower level), I had to climb a very long flight of stairs (I thought there was an escalator, but there was not).  I made it with no trouble.  Going down stairs is a different story – that really hurts.  (Maybe I could climb stairs, as long as I am not going down.)  Anyway, then I walked home, got Cassie and walked him for 15-20 minutes.  Then, after eating my sandwich, I walked back to work.  I was sweating a lot and felt like I had really worked out.  I guess that’s good.  I will walk again after work.  Seriously, though, maybe I could climb the stairs to my 4th floor loft some of the time.  I could see how my pain level does after doing it.  I need to get every little bit of exercise I can.

On the elevator going back up to the office after lunch, I fancied I looked a little smaller.  I don’t know why I would, except for all the walking.  I do know, when I first went to college at Texas Tech, I had to walk everywhere on campus.  When I got home after the first semester, I had lost 15 pounds.  That was the only thing I could think of to account for it.  So, I think this might be helping.  Now, if I can just get my eating going consistently in a good direction….

I pulled out my Don’t Eat This, Eat That cookbook and am going to start trying some stuff from it.  I have heard really good things about the recipes.  I saw a clip about the new cookbook, Don’t Eat This, Eat That – Italian today on Fox News.  One commentator said his wife had preordered the book and had been trying some recipes and they were really good.

My problem in losing weight is not usually what I eat for meals, so much (that might account for being a little overweight, but not to the extent I am now), as eating out of control outside of meals.  So I need to do some good meal planning.  Even if I can’t make myself eat a salad every meal (that is just an example of something extreme), even if I just eat lightened-up versions of things I really like, that may do the trick until my motivation gets pumped up a little more.  Some things might not be as “clean” as I ultimately want to eat, but right now, I am just trying to get going consistently.

I have to admit, I took an appetite suppressant today.  I don’t really “believe” in losing weight that way (mainly because it doesn’t work), but sometimes it does help me get started.  And it did seem to help today.  If I can just get myself started on a good track again, that will get my mind more set in the right direction.  It is now 5:30 p.m. and I still feel good – not like I am going to go home and be out of control.  We will see how it goes.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still Here

I'm still here.  I'm still struggling.  But the only way I am sure to fail is if I give up.

I really think this medicine is making me whacky.  And so sleepy!  That's what got me today.  I can't wait to get through this round of it so I can go back to the other brand.  Never again!

Still walking (3 times today).  Eating was bad this afternoon.  Back on the wagon tomorrow and every day until I stop falling off.

Thanks for your comments Biz and Kathy.  They helped.

I worked late tonight, but it was so nice to get home in less than 10 minutes after I got off.  Loving living downtown.

Just wanted to check in. 

Monday, September 24, 2012

WW Again

I woke up in a better frame of mind than I have in two or three weeks.  I wonder if that has anything to do with getting the house semi-settled this weekend.  I don’t know, but something was different.  I felt more content yesterday, like I was finally home.

I do know that being alone can be a trigger for me.  Not loneliness, just being alone.  That’s because I tend to hide how much I eat from other people, and when no one else is around, I don’t have that inhibition.  But it also just depends on the frame of mind I am in.  If I am in a good frame of mind, it doesn’t really matter what temptation comes my way, I am probably not going to give in to it.  If I am not, then I struggle, and if I am in a pretty bad frame of mind, I will find the bad stuff, whether I keep it around or not.

So, I guess one key is to keep my mind pointed in the right direction.  However, sometimes I don’t know why I am suddenly off.  I sure would like to get to the bottom of that.  I do think the accumulation of stress has had a lot to do with it.  Bingeing is a way of “caring for” yourself – a warped way.  That is why I reach out to food for comfort.  I would like to get to where that is not my natural reaction.  I need to find another way to comfort myself in stressful times.  At one point a couple of years ago, I had gotten to where I would walk or do another kind of workout during those times of stress.  However, since I am also dealing with quite a bit of physical pain, that is not my natural reaction now.

I think another thing that has been causing me a problem is being confused about what plan to follow.  I had been giving thought to getting started on the plan in Blood Sugar Solution when I got moved.  I still want to do that at some point.  But I am not ready right now, and yet I was trying to pressure myself to not eat bread, etc.  I was becoming confused in my mind as to what my plan really was, and that never works for me.  So, today, I am back on WW.  I tracked my breakfast and will go from there.  I almost forgot I was doing WW.  Silly me.  There has just been too much going on lately.  I also thrive on routine.  Even down to when I drink my water.

Speaking of physical pain, I did notice something yesterday.  I was up and around a lot of the day yesterday, trying to get my apartment in better shape.  I noticed I was having a lot less pain than when I sit around a lot.  I have noticed that in times past, but it is not always that way.  I think I have finally gotten over the “extra” pain from the move.  The worst times of pain are when I go from times of inactivity to activity.  The worst time is first thing in the morning.  The way things are now, I have to get up and get out of the apartment almost immediately to take Cassie to potty, so it forces me to be a little more active first thing in the morning.  However painful, I am sure that is good for me.  We always take at least a walk around the block first thing in the morning, sometimes further.  Yesterday I did 1.1 mile first thing.

I had to be to work at 7:00 a.m. this morning.  Jerry was supposed to have a deposition, which we later learned was called off.  But we did not find that out until they went to the deposition.  I didn’t have time to have breakfast at home, so I had a ham, mushroom, egg and swiss cheese on whole wheat square from Potbelly.  That came out to 10 points.

I am making a go of getting off SF Red Bulls.  I bought me some BC powders for when the inevitable caffeine headache hits me.  However, I won’t take anything until/if I get a caffeine headache.  I feel sleepy, but I feel sleepy whether I drink them or not.

I also got on the scale this morning.  I don’t think I have gained any weight.  I say that because my stomach was not completely empty when I weighed and I haven’t taken my BP meds in a few days, which make a difference on water retention.  I hope I can get going in earnest this week.

Another thing that shows me I am doing a little better is that my cubie put a candy bowl up on her ledge today and filled it with Starburst, among other things.  Now, most women really crave chocolate.  Not me.  I would much rather have something like jelly beans, gum drops, Skittles or Starburst!  So that is a temptation to me.  But I have not touched that candy bowl.

I am waking up, not only with the lower back pain, but with some middle back pain and some neck pain.  Neck pain is not unexpected, since I had a double fusion on my neck a little over a year ago.  I usually sleep with my cervical collar, and did not last night, so I have a little soreness there.  The middle back pain is somewhat new, at least to this degree.  I do know I have some degenerative stuff going on there, but I have never had an MRI or anything.  I think the pain has to do with sleeping position, etc. more than anything.  I sleep propped up on pillows, but sometimes they slide around and the wrong part of my back stays “bent” during the night and I wake up hurting.  I would ultimately like to get an adjustable bed, so I could elevate my head and shoulders so that it feels good, and elevate my knees also, to take pressure off my lower back (kind of like a hospital bed, but with my Tempurpedic mattress.  The trouble is, those beds are kind of expensive.  Maybe I will designate any Christmas money I get this year toward it (I usually get a bonus and my boss is usually very generous with me at Christmas).

A girl fell from the 19th story of the apartment building about a half block from mine.  I never knew it happened until the next afternoon, when my daughters told me about it.  It happened at around 2:00 a.m. Sunday morning.  My bedroom is kind of secluded from outside noise (that is good!), so I never heard the police activity, etc.  She was 25 years old.  They said she lost her balance and fell, but I suspect it was alcohol related.  That is the same thing that happened to my son’s best friend in December, except he only fell from the 2nd story (but he was killed).  I was walking Cassie this morning and came around the corner and there were candles and bouquets of flowers laying on the sidewalk.  Kind of sobering to know I was walking over where she fell and died just hours before.  So very, very sad.  It makes me worry about my son sometimes.  I just have to leave him in God’s hands.  I just know that sometimes you make decisions or do things you might not otherwise have done when you have been drinking to excess, and he does like to party.  I am not condemning drinking alcohol.  I just worry about him being reckless with it, since he has a tendency toward that kind of thing.

In my loft, to get to my master bathroom, I have to walk through my master closet (pictures coming one of these days).  There is no other way in.  On the top shelf are four huge bins of clothes, all of which are a little to a lot too small for me.  I decided when I moved that if I did not start getting into some of these by the first of next year, I have to get rid of them.  They are in clear bins in plain sight when I walk through my closet.  So they are good motivation – I want to wear those clothes – I don’t want to give them away.  They have been given to me by my daughters, my sister and a few that I got too big for.  I will use them as a source of motivation.

I’m going to try making a chicken stir fry for dinner.  Hopefully it will come out good.  I have 16 points left to end my day, and I really want to stay on track.  I feel like I could be on my way now.

That’s it for today.  Happy Monday, everyone.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Quiet Weekend

This weekend is going okay in some ways.  I have gotten pretty addicted to sweets again lately, so my focus the last couple of days has mostly been just to not eat any sweets.  I have eaten a little more carbs and fat than I ultimately want to eat, but I have not eaten too, too much and I have not eaten any sweets, so I feel good about that.

I am going to continue that strategy for two or three more days until sugar cravings let up some.  Then I will start focusing on some other things too.  I am also going to try to get off the SF Red Bulls beginning tomorrow.  I drank my last one I had on hand today.  I'll have to take some BC  powder when I get a caffeine headache.

I walked some yesterday, but not a whole lot.  I walked 1.1 miles this morning and I will take another walk this evening.

So, right now, I am feeling pretty positive.

I am getting pretty close to getting everything put away in my loft and having the pictures hung.  I need to do some cleaning and tidying after that.

My boss texted a little while ago and I have to go in at 7:00 a.m. in the morning.  He has been gone for the last two weeks and a deposition was noticed by the other side at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow, so he needs a little work done to prepare for it.  I ended up working a couple of hours yesterday.  That's okay.  I worked virtually no overtime other than that last week.

A feeling of contentment came over me earlier today.  I can't describe it other than I think I am finally feeling at home.

Right now, Cassie is whining and restless.  But I want to wait until around 6:00 before I go for another walk.  It's a hot day for this time of year, and it will cool off by then.  I'll try to put in another mile.

That's all I have today.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Yay for Friday!

Okay, my sister tells me she is looking for updates on my blogs and then they aren’t there.  As you can guess, that is because I am not doing great.

I did better yesterday.  The day before, I don’t know what happened.  Just lost it.  When I do that, I get down.  So I ask myself why I do it.  I don’t know, but reminding myself that it will make me down does help a little.

I am doing a lot of walking.  That is good.  I will keep that up and I am looking for routes and ways to increase it.  It kills two birds with one stone (helps with my dog and gets me my exercise).  I walk what I feel like is a pretty long distance, and when I get back to the apartment, it only took 30 minutes.  So I will keep increasing as I can.  It helps when I choose a destination.  I am going to walk to the dog park on Saturday.  I am not sure of the safety of the route in the evening, so will walk it on Saturday the first time.

There is a lot of stress related to my daughter.  I don’t want to go into it all here.  Just looking for some answers to her being sick and hurt all the time.

I am starting to feel the desire to date again, but at the same time, a little fearful about it.  If I knew I could go out and find a great guy without having to weed through the not-so-great ones, I would do it.  Plus I want to get to feeling better.  When I was dating two or three years ago, I was a little surprised at how easy it was to get dates.  But I got my heart broken a little bit and I don’t want to do that again.  I want to do some things differently this time.

What are my goals, generally, for the next few months?  Generally, less pain, lose weight (of course), make friends and begin having a life outside of work and the kids.  I want to keep those goals in front of me.  Otherwise you get into the day-to-day things of life and never make any changes.

I need to be finding ways to meet new people.  As soon as I get my car back, I am going to make a decision about what church to go to and start going back to church.  I likely will go back to the one I was attending.  I had no “problem” with the church, other than it was big and a little harder to get to know people that way.  But the message and the services and the outreach of the church, I am in wholehearted agreement with.  The only other “problem” with it is that I will probably never be able to get really involved with the music there, other than sing in the choir.  I don’t know that that’s true, but every other church I have attended, I have been on the worship team, done solos, etc., and I do not think that will happen much at this one.  I don’t really care right now.  But I might at some point.  You have to understand, I am good enough to where I was chosen to sing in the Dallas Symphony Chorus.  But for some reason, I never felt like I would ever be used much musically at this church.  It just never did click.  I don’t want to be some prima donna – that’s not what singing in the church is about.  But music is part of who I am and how a lot of things are expressed in me, and when I cannot express it in my spiritual home, it bothers me a little.  I have been too busy just making a living the last few years to care, but someday I might like to again.  But I digress.

They had a happy hour at our loft community last night, but I did not go.  I don’t know why – probably because a happy hour is not really my kind of thing.  It’s not just that I don’t really drink.  But walking in by myself and trying to meet people in that setting would not be easy for me.  There is a movie matinee Sunday that I am going to try to go to.  (This loft community has its own small movie theater.)  Maybe I will meet some friends there that might lead to other activities.  I would love to find a group that liked to play board games and stuff.  I have heard that some people get together on the patio and do that.  Maybe I could be the “instigator.”  I have always been the type to sit back and wait to be asked.  But there is no reason I have to do that.  There is no reason I cannot ask.

I am doing okay on my eating so far today.  Just need to hold it together this evening.  I am so glad it is Friday!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Can Do This

Okay, I am going to try to blog myself through a rough spot this afternoon.  I am sitting at my desk, very sleepy, and wanting something to eat.  I am having thoughts of going downstairs to get something I should not have, but I really want to make it through this.  The tiredness is the trigger, and eating will do no good, really.  Only a momentary comfort, and then I will be frustrated with myself.

I felt so much better yesterday because I was not mad at myself for eating out of control.  That has really been the main thing causing me to be down.  There are other stresses, but that was what was making me unhappy.  So I do not want to continue that.

It is the medication making me sleepy, even though I only took a half dose this afternoon.  I have done all I can do in every other way to alleviate the situation, so I am just going to have to grit my teeth and say no.  I will not give in.

After walking Cassie around the block this morning, I did get a workout on the recumbent bike in the fitness center.  I did not, however, get a walk midday.  That is because I went and got my hair cut.  It feels better.  This is not a great picture, but what do you think?  This is shorter than I have worn it in many, many years.  (Shorter than I intended, but sometimes hairdressers have their own ideas.  Oh well, it will grow, and I do like it.)

I am starting to get more things done at home.  I am not ready to take pictures yet, but I am making more progress now.  I am trying to focus on getting more done each day (partly to counter my destructive eating behavior).  Between getting out and taking walks, the fitness center and working on that, it helps to keep me somewhat distracted.  I was looking at the pool this morning.  I need to do that sometime soon, too, before it gets too cold.  (It may be too cold where you are already, but not in Texas.)  I at least need to take advantage of the hot tub.  At least the shorter hair will make it easier to deal with.  And maybe I could get to know some people.  Although I feel a little shy about the first time I meet people being in the pool with my swimsuit on.  Oh well, I am sure most people will think little of it, and those that do are not the type of people I want to be friends with much anyway.

It is about 5:15 now, so less than an hour to go.  I am going to make it.  I will grab a quick snack when I get home and then go straight out to walk.  I am sure Cassie will need to go outside (if it is not too late already; glad I have concrete floors).  I will probably have leftovers for dinner.  Then more work on the apartment and some TV.

I have four large bins of clothes in my closet that are too small for me.  I told myself when we were moving that I would give myself until the first of the year and if I was not into a lot of them by then, I had to get rid of them.  So I have to stay focused.  I think I have a mental block of really believing I am going to get below 260.  I need to get focused and keep going.  I can do this.  I would like to be down to 240 by the end of the year.

Monday, September 17, 2012

A Step In the Right Direction

I've still been in a real funk.  I am not sure what to attribute it to.  I try to think of what is making me unhappy.  Mostly what is bothering me is that my eating is out of control.  So why don't I just change that?  Well, that is the plan today.  I went to the grocery store this weekend, so I have no excuse.

Being here alone in this apartment seems to be a trigger.  I don't feel sad about that (being alone).  I don't feel particularly lonely.  I just feel like eating all the time.

I have been extremely tired, and that is a big trigger for me.  I am talking I can't stay awake.  I don't know if it is just a build-up of the last couple of months or not.  My daughters and I went and got something to eat after shopping Saturday afternoon and my eyes were crossing while talking to them.  They were laughing at me.

I am just trying to talk myself through this.  Although I am not doing formal workouts, I am walking a lot.  Most days, I am doing 3 walks a day.  Cassie drives me crazy if I don't.  First thing in the morning I get up and take a short walk with Cassie.  It is tough then because pain first thing in the morning is the worst.  I have tried to do what I can to help.  I set my alarm 30 minutes before I am actually getting up and take my pain medicine.  I started taking a bigger dose for that one and leaving off the the nighttime dose.  That seems to help.  This morning, I tried to do a little stretching before getting out of bed.  My worst pain is when I go from periods of inactivity to being more active.  I have to say this was the best result I have had yet.  At least I wasn't gasping when I stood up in the morning.

Then, I take another walk mid-day -- usually 30-45 minutes.  And then another when I get home from work.  So, that is quite a bit of walking for me.  I did do one recumbent bike workout last week.  I didn't get one done this morning, but I will do one tomorrow morning.  My main focus today is getting my eating back on track.

I wrote the above this morning and intended to post it then, but didn't get it done.  I am happy to say, though, that I have had a pretty good day.  And I feel better because I have been in better control.

I also figured out something.  When I moved, I had to change pharmacies.  I got my first refill of pain meds and took the first dose Saturday morning.  They are the same, but a different brand.  But I realized they make me feel a lot sleepier than the other ones.  And spacey, in general.  I am going to have to take a half dose of these, especially if I am working.  Hopefully a half dose takes care of the pain.  I don't like feeling that way.  But that's why I was feeling so tired and sleepy this weekend.

Well anyway, today was a step in the right direction.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Trying to Get Motivated

I am still not doing very well food-wise.  Actually, if I look at it, I am not doing horribly, and maybe if I cut myself some slack for a few days, I would do better.  I need to focus on making positive steps, and then build on it from there.

I did get my chicken soup made.  It was just that I wanted some bread with it and I ate some whole wheat sandwich thins with some no sugar blackberry jelly.  Now, that really wasn’t that bad, was it?  But I felt like I was being bad because I am trying to pressure myself to eat little to no bread and that is what I am wanting right now.  Maybe the timing isn’t right for that just now.  I need to wait for some things to settle down.

I was having kind of a leisurely night, watching some old videos (Anne of Green Gables), because I still don’t have cable.  I felt like I needed to do at least something productive, so I got up and did a little cleaning around the apartment.  As usual, as I got started, it made me want to keep going, and it felt good to get a few things done.  So I am going to set some goals of getting some things done tonight.  Not too much.  Just enough to make some progress.

I can’t believe how much more time I have at home these days.  I left at 6:00 last night, and since it only takes 5 minutes to get home, I had almost 4 hours at home before I went to bed.  Plus, I have a lot more time in the morning.  That is why I made this move.  Right now, I set my alarm for 5:30, and when my alarm goes off, I take my pain medicine.  Then I go back to sleep until about 6:00.  That is because, right when I get up, I need to take Cassie out to walk and potty, and pain is significant in the morning.  So, I take him for a short walk and then come back in and get my bath, do some things around the apartment and get ready.  I really have enough time to do a 30-minute workout, and I need to start doing that.  I still haven’t gotten the guy out to look at my bike – he keeps having something come up, or I do – but he is supposed to come Saturday.  Until then, I will have to go to the fitness center.  I also want to make use of the hot tub to soothe my painful back, etc.

I think if I could get back into some workouts, my eating will start falling into place better.  Wouldn’t hurt my stress either.  I will get groceries this weekend to facilitate eating healthier.

I have one “problem”.  There is a CVS right next to my building.  I figured out that I can go out my apartment door a few steps to the parking garage, down the elevator, out the doors to the outside, a few steps and I am at CVS.  Pretty handy, right?  But if I am in the mood to eat something I shouldn’t, it is almost too handy.  Too easy to get candy or ice cream, etc.  I haven’t done that much, but the thought is near when my mind is not set.  That is why it is important to keep fruit and things I like to eat and that are good for me available.  Because it is too easy to go and get things that are not.  Plus there are all kinds of restaurants around.  I am not too inclined to take advantage of those, but they are there.

The thing is, if my mind is where it should be, these things would not bother me.  I am not going to do it no matter how convenient it is.  But if it is not, then I am likely going to find a way to do what I want to do anyway.  It is still not like having junk food in my house.  I have to at least make myself look a little presentable to leave my apartment and go to CVS.  And sometimes I am not in the mood to do that.  :)

The doctor started me on the generic of Topamax for my chronic headaches.  I am a little hesitant to start on yet another medication, but having a constant headache is very tough on my motivation.  And Topamax has been shown to help with weight loss, and at least does not make you gain weight like some other migraine medications do.  I took my first dose last night, so it will be a while before I see if it helps.  I have to admit it would be wonderful not to struggle with headaches constantly.  Ultimately, I hope to deal with them nutritionally.  Until then, we will see if this helps.  I was all ready to start on the eating program recommended in Blood Sugar Solution after my move, but my motivation is not there right now.  I need to go back and read through some of it again and hopefully that will help.  And I will wait until I am a little more settled.

Steph continues to look for work.  When she gets back to work, that will help my disposition exponentially.  Fortunately, my monthly expenses for necessities do not use all my income, so I can leave off discretionary stuff and still have money to help Stephanie until she gets a job.  I just wanted to be getting free of having to do that and I am frustrated about this.  But we do what we have to do for those love, don’t we?  I am thankful that I am able to, since it is necessary. I wish their father could help with some of these things, but even following that line of thought leads to some very negative emotions that are better left alone, so I will focus on being thankful that I am able to help.  It is not like any of this is Stephanie’s fault.

I was feeling overwhelmed yesterday because of Stephanie’s situation, plus my son is borrowing my car while trying to get his fixed and has had to borrow a little money here and there while he is trying to get his own situation worked out (deposits and extra expenses associated with his new place), plus Bethany’s car is having a problem and I am having to loan her money to make sure her car is running properly.  It was taking a lot of discipline not to despair.  I was watching Anne of Green Gables last night and Anne was going through one of her dramatic episodes, talking about the “depths of despair.”  Marilla tells her that “to despair is to turn one’s back on God.”  That’s really true.  Need to get my stinkin’ thinkin’ pointed in the right direction.  So we will just cross those bridges when we come to them.  No point worrying about them in advance.

I just got back from my lunchtime walk with Cassie.  I put his backpack on him to tire him out more.  When we got done, we were waiting for the elevator to go back up to my apartment and he lay down and was panting.  Usually he is pulling at the leash, so I guess the walk did its job.  I know it tired me out!  I went further than usual today.  By the time I walk home, take him for his walk and then walk back to work, I have been walking for the better part of an hour, so that is a pretty good workout for me.

When I got back, lunch was the chicken soup I made last night.  I must admit, after the walking, hot soup is not exactly what I was wanting.  I was hot!  At least it is starting to get cooler.

When I am around my apartment building, it occurs to me that there is plenty of opportunity for stair climbing.  Unfortunately, that is not something I can do right now.  But if I get to where I can, that would be a good exercise opportunity.  I live on the 4th floor, so I could always take the stairs instead of the elevator.  A goal, anyway.  I hope my back will improve that much with weight loss.  Huh, I’m wishing I could climb stairs.  Go figure.

Two days in a row I have come back from lunch with a more positive attitude.  I think that is the exercise.  That tells me I need to start doing that morning workout and my outlook will improve.  I have been kind of down in the morning.  That is partly because that is when my pain is the worst and I start to feel a little hopeless.

My goal is to finish getting everything put away and decorated by the end of this weekend.  One problem is that I am trying to find places for things that I really don’t have room for and I really don’t need.  I just need to get rid of that stuff.  I have felt bogged down about finishing, and that is why.  Time to kiss it goodbye.  Less clutter is better, anyway.

Hoping my motivation starts to increase in the next few days!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Where's the Easy Button?

Yesterday was a busy day, even with the boss gone.

At lunch, I walked Cassie again, this time longer.  I took enough pain med to get on top of my pain, and it helped my disposition significantly.  I also contacted my doctor about getting back on an anti-inflammatory med.  I think I need that for now, along with the other pain meds.  I walked Cassie a third time after work.

For lunch I had a Farmhouse Salad from Potbelly.  I used my Newman’s Own Light Balsamic Dressing.  I still am not staying on track, though, since I ate some peanut M&M’s during the afternoon.  I had no plan for dinner and I did not do well.  I am eating way too many carbs.  I was going to make some chicken soup, but couldn’t find my recipe.  I am still not totally organized after the move.

My plan was to get to bed at around 8:30.  I needed to make up for the lost sleep the night before.  I was hoping Cassie would be good and tired after this third walk, but he still whined a lot after we got back.  I used his backpack at lunch and in the evening.  It helps drain his energy and I get more bang for my buck out of shorter walks.  But he was still wired up about something.  I did get to bed at around 8:45, however, and he did fine.  I slept okay, but at times was having trouble getting comfortable.  Although I slept, I was aware of tossing and turning and being in pain.

I need to get back to workouts on the recumbent bike (in the fitness center at the lofts), but I was not up for it this morning. I did walk Cassie this morning, and will walk him two more times today.  I have been going further on the lunch and evening walks. I need to have more of a plan on my eating, but I will just have to exercise some willpower, since I seem to be craving sweets right now.  I need to get some more fruit, but I do have some.  That always helps.

I mapped out a route to Farmers Market in Downtown Dallas.  It is about ¾ of a mile from my loft.  That would mean a mile and a half walk, plus the time walking around FM itself.  That is a lot for me right now (unfortunately).  But I need to get some fresh produce.  However, I checked the hours and it closes at 6:00 p.m., so that will have to wait until Saturday.  I could hop the train and get to a grocery store that way.  My son is borrowing my car right now, until he gets his running.  I could call one of the girls to take me.  But I really want to do everything (or as much as possible) by walking or riding a bicycle.  I might have to work up to that.

I am feeling kind of discouraged this morning.  It is the constant pain.  If it keeps up like this, I don’t know that I can keep dealing with it.  But I need to be thinner before the right kind of surgery could be done anyway, so that really is my only choice.

I feel pressure financially too.  Until Stephanie gets a good job with insurance, I feel like I am weak financially.  Which pressures me to work more.  Stephanie told me this morning she has not been feeling well the last couple of days.  This worries me.  We have to keep her insurance in effect, which means about $500 a month.  Plus her bills have to be paid.  I just feel like I am teetering on the brink financially until this situation is resolved.  It would be difficult for her to take another job if she is not well, either.  Please, Lord, let this be over.  She does have a part-time nanny position, which brings in some income, but she needs full-time with insurance.  And she needs to be well.  I have been tempted to stress eat this morning, but so far, have not.

I printed out the recipe I need, so I can make the soup tonight.  I will have to pick up something “out” for lunch.

This is not how I planned it to be when I got moved.  I need Stephanie’s situation to get resolved before I can feel really positive about everything.  I know I am carrying a load I am not meant to carry.  Worrying about it won’t help one bit.  But I am having trouble not doing that.

I went home at lunch and walked Cassie, and interestingly, came back from that feeling a little more positive.  I picked up a Subway sandwich on the way back, and that was lunch.  I don’t know how to explain it, except that I just felt a little stronger in the motivation area.  I keep telling myself, “It is very important that I get through this day.”

More stress as the day goes on.  I am very tired of having so much to handle.  I just want things to be easy for a while.  But I am not holding my breath about that.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Trying to Get Going

I hope today will be a little quieter day than any I had last week.  We were preparing for big depositions in our big case.  My boss and his associate are now gone for the depositions in a distant city, so perhaps I have a chance to catch my breath this week.  Knowing my boss, however, there will be plenty of phone calls and work sent to me to deal with.  My desk is a disaster area, and hopefully I can deal with that this week.

I had a very rough night.  I left my pain meds at work Saturday, and although I could have walked down to the office to get it yesterday, the amount of pain I was in didn’t seem to warrant that extra effort.  I forgot, however, about withdrawal.  By last night, I had not had any for over 24 hours and withdrawal was starting to kick in.  I slept only an hour or two last night.

If you didn’t gather it from the above, I worked all day Saturday until 7:00.  So yesterday, I didn’t do much.  But I was bored and kind of lonesome, so it wasn’t exactly an enjoyable day.  I think I was lonesome because I didn’t feel good and I didn’t feel like getting out and doing anything.  I will have to make more effort in the future.  But I sure do need to get to feeling better.

Moving really did a number on my body.  I am still recovering.  I hurt all over.  My knees, in particular, are hurting pretty badly.  This, I know, is radiating pain from my back.  It has gotten worse.  I hope it is just a flare-up and as I rest, etc., it will improve.

I did pretty well on my eating during the time Stephanie was sick, and when she lost her job and we were preparing to move, and not too bad when we were actually moving (and burned enough calories to offset any extra I had eaten), but I have not done very well during the last week.  I kind of crashed and burned.  Now, it is time to pull myself back together.  I have not weighed, so don’t know what damage I have done.  I just know I don’t feel well and I don’t want to continue feeling this way.  I have already eaten something I wish I hadn’t this morning (just a granola bar, so nothing awful), but I need to stay on track and drink my water.  I haven’t been doing very well at that (and most of the water I have been drinking was sparkling mineral water, which does not seem to hydrate me as well).  Hopefully I can get my pain under better control, and that will help.

I still have a lot of things to put away, pictures to hang, etc., etc.  I was just too busy last week at work to have the energy to do much of it when I got home.  But I have made little bits of progress each day.

Now, I need to get back into an exercise routine.  The only thing I am doing now is walking Cassie two or three times a day.  I walked him around a big city block this morning, but my pain was too out of control to do much else this morning.

I still haven’t done any cooking to speak of.  I am thinking about doing Subway for this week, until I get more of a plan going.  I also need to buy some more groceries.  That is a dilemma in itself, since my son is borrowing my car right now.  It has to be that way if I want him getting to work, which I do.  He is trying to get his car fixed this week so I can have mine back.

Blogging today is part of trying to get going.  If I talk about it, it will start motivating me.  I hope by the end of the day to be feeling much better pain-wise.  I sincerely hope so.  I did not feel like coming to work today, but had to.  My backup has had too many long hours lately, and I couldn’t do that to her.  But I do not feel well enough to be here, truth be told.  Especially since I had very little sleep last night.  I will try to get to bed early tonight.

It occurs to me that walking Cassie is one of the things making my pain worse.  I don’t know.  I do know that I did not do walking as my exercise for a number of months because it seemed to trigger more pain.  That is why I used the recumbent bike.  The trouble is, since I now live alone and I am all Cassie has, plus the fact that I live in a high-rise condo and can’t just throw him out in the back yard, he needs to be walked or he gets too much pent-up energy and his behavior gets worse.  Plus, he whines and won’t leave me alone because he needs to get out of the house.  So I really have to walk him, unless I pay someone else to do it right now.  And I really don’t feel like I have money to spend on that right now.  I just hope my pain gets better in a few days.  I need to get done with any extra lifting, etc.  It is all a vicious circle.  All I know is, I feel pretty desperate for some pain relief right now.

That’s all for now.  Just trying to get going again.

I haven’t gotten my internet going at home, so I haven’t been able to read blogs lately.  I hope I can get that going tonight.  It is so motivating to me to read what others are doing, and I really cannot do much of that at work.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm Back!

Hello all.  It’s an incredibly busy day, so I’ll just take a minute.  I was off work for a week, moving and getting settled in my new place.  I am not settled completely yet, but at least I am in and I am making progress every day.  Today is my first day back at work.

I do not have internet access at my new place yet, and it was too hard to post from my phone and I didn’t have time to go seek out a place that had WiFi, so that is why I have not posted.

Anyway, I am back.

The move was difficult – more difficult than I planned (darned movers), but it is done and I am happy I am in my new place.  Cassie and I are getting used to things.  This is the first day I have left him alone for any length of time.  He barks and whines, but obviously stops after a bit, since he is not still barking and whining when I return.  He will get used to it soon.  He never did that at the house, even though he was alone a good part of every day.  I popped home at lunchtime today and took him for a short walk, etc., so he is getting to see me now more than he did then.

I did not try to follow a set plan while I was moving.  However, I was so busy, sometimes I would realize it was pretty far into the day and I needed to eat.  I know I did not gain any weight, and may have lost some.  (I also forgot to take my BP medicine, which can cause my weight to fluctuate, so the jury is still out on that one.)

My back is hurting A LOT.  It is not happy about all I put it through.  I am having difficulty falling asleep at night because of the radiating pain.  Hopefully that will settle down soon.  It reminds me that I need to get focused, so hopefully my pain levels will improve.

This living situation and having Cassie is going to be good for me.  He does not like the designated potty place at the loft community, so I just take him to street level and we take a walk to allow him to do his business.  (I have to remember to take a bag and clean-up materials with me.)  Anyway, I am doing that at least three times a day, so that is a little exercise that I was not getting before.  As soon as I get a little more settled and Cassie doesn’t protest so much when I leave, I will get back to some more conventional workouts – like going to the fitness center and/or the pool.  I cannot take him with me to those areas.  The guy has still not come to fix my bike yet.

All is going well.  Hopefully I will be more settled by the end of the week and can get going on a good schedule.  I have been told I will be working late every night this week and this weekend, so no time right now.  We have a bunch of depositions coming up in our big case, so we are having to prepare for them, hot and heavy.  Then my boss will be gone to Salt Lake City for two weeks, so hopefully it will settle down a little while he is gone.

More tomorrow.