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Monday, August 27, 2012

Bad News

Stephanie went back to work today…and they fired her.

Funny, now that it actually happened, it didn’t hit me nearly so hard as the stress I was feeling when I was afraid it would happen.  I had already talked to myself and made myself see that the worst thing that could happen is that the girls would have to come live with me temporarily at the loft.  So far, that is not the plan.  She got a small severance and has an insurance check coming.  And she will file for unemployment.  She already has a few irons in the fire, including the possibility of another receptionist job at another law firm, and this firm wants someone who wants to move up to Legal Assistant at some point, which is what Stephanie always wanted.  She trained to be a Legal Assistant, and although she had a ways to go to get her skills to the point where she could function in that role, that is what she ultimately wanted to do.  The firm is near where she is moving to, and would be great.  And hopefully she would not be so bored as she was at the firm where she was.  There is also the possibility of temporary work.

She has a couple of other irons in the fire too, including a position at a bank (albeit part time, for the time being, but better than nothing) and a part-time nanny position (perhaps she could combine those two until the bank position became full time).  She is also getting in her resume with recruiters.  Supposedly the legal industry is crying out for young people – most young people these days aspire to be lawyers, not legal assistants, so we are kind of an aging breed.  But it is a great profession and it pays well in Dallas when you get a little experience under your belt.

I did not have a great weekend food-wise.  It’s not like a binged, but was not focused.  However, I am sure I burned a lot more calories than usual, so hopefully did not do much damage.  I never got around to my official weigh-in.  I haven’t been very focused yet today, either.  Nothing horrible – I had scrambled eggs for breakfast, but not as much as I usually have, and I got hungry.  I went downstairs and got a protein bar.  For lunch I had some cheese and crackers and fruit (more crackers than I should have).  That doesn’t sound so bad, now that I write it down.  The news this morning kind of threw me for a loop, temporarily, and I was pressed for time and did not eat enough breakfast.  At least when I am not focused, I do not gorge on sweets like I used to.  I just cannot bring myself to do that anymore.  I guess that’s a breakthrough.

I am extremely tired.  I had the garage sale Saturday.  I made a little money, but not as much as I hoped.  However, none of the big items sold.  So I am advertising them on Craig’s List, and if they sell, then I will have made more money than I thought I might.  Plus I sold the refrigerator, so that made up for it all, anyway.  I am glad it is behind me.  Now we just need to load up the things that didn’t sell and either have someone come pick them up, or take them to Good Will or someplace like that.  Some stuff has already been dropped off by my sister-in-law, who came to help me out Saturday.

The rest of the weekend I worked on packing and cleaning.  It seems like I still have a lot to do.  I have tonight, tomorrow morning and evening and all day Wednesday, to get it done.  If my body will just hold out.  I was in a lot of pain while standing up, a lot of the time.  I had to sit down and rest frequently.

It is hard to believe that in three days, what I have been planning for so long is going to happen.

As the day wears on, I am having trouble not having a pity party.  It does no good, so there is no reason to do it.  But I am feeling pretty beat up on.  The thing that worries me the most is that Steph will not have insurance.  I just wish this place had given her more notice, with that in mind.  Of course, we can purchase COBRA insurance, but that is going to wipe me out pretty quick.  But I think letting it lapse would be disastrous.

Since I am feeling this way, it makes me react to things I wouldn’t normally react to – like my friend at work has been really quiet today.  It makes me feel like she is mad at me.  Honestly, I know she is not, but that’s the way I feel.

We should be winding up soon, so I can go home and get some more work done.  All I can do is keep plodding along.  Things have to improve sometime.  I will not let it beat me.  Lord, help me.

Friday, August 24, 2012

To Tired to Name This Post

I am writing more this week than I thought I would.  I think I just need it to get through.  It’s a stress reliever.

I was pretty unfocused yesterday, but ate things that were healthy.  Except for dinner.  I worked until 7:45 and got home and needed to get work done on the garage sale, so I didn’t want to spend time cooking.  My daughter had ordered pizza earlier in the day, so I had one slice of cheese pizza (I was pretty proud of stopping at one slice), and that and a frozen yogurt bar are all I ate last night.  I also probably burned plenty of calories, since I worked for a couple of hours in the garage, lifting and moving stuff, plus was dripping sweat.  I don’t exactly know where I came out on points.  If I was over, it would be only a little.  I had a snack size bag of almonds (bigger than a 100-calorie pack, but not very big), and that was the most calorie-intensive thing I had yesterday afternoon.

I worked a couple of hours on the garage sale.  I have a lot I have to do tonight, and the sale will start at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning, so I won’t get much rest between now and the time it is over.  After I shut it down, I will take a nap.  Then, at some point, I will need to take everything that didn’t sell to Good Will or someplace like that, or have it picked up.  I hope I sell the big stuff.  My goal is to make $300 to use toward the moving expenses (more would be nice).

I gave myself a backache last night, but I don’t feel like I set off a big flare-up or anything.  I borrowed a dolly to help with moving stuff, to keep the strain off my back as much as possible.  Bethany is gone, and Stephanie cannot lift, so that left me.

As I have said before, after I move, the plan is for me to come in later on mornings after I have worked late the night before.  I worked until 7:45 last night, but came in at normal time today (around 8:00 a.m.).  I have to get here earlier, because my daughter and I carpool and she has to be to work by 8:15.  I never gave it a thought this morning that, since Stephanie is at home, I probably could have gone in a little later.  Our Office Administrator came by and asked why I was at work so early, knowing I had worked late last night.  I said the plan was for me to compensate for late nights after I get moved.  I am so used to coming in early, I automatically think I have to get gone in the morning at a certain time.  He said he is worried that I work too much.  (Honestly, I think he is more worried about paying OT, but okay.)

The point of all this is, I have gotten so used to working so much, it is going to take some conscious effort to slow down.  Plus, I have gotten used to the extra money, and I am going to have to get used to not having that.  Now, when I ran my budget to decide if I could afford to move where I am moving, I did not count on the amount of OT I have been working to determine if I could afford it.  So I will be fine.  I’m just used to the extra money.  I have to start making the adjustments in my mind.  I don’t have to push, push, push all the time.

Trouble is, I am not in quite as good of a position, financially speaking, as I had hoped at the time of my move.  I have missed some OT hours with Stephanie’s sickness.  I wanted more cushion than I have and I am having trouble telling myself I don’t need it.  I am sure it will all work out.  Anytime I have ever “worried” about not enough OT, for financial reasons, in the past, there was never a reason to worry.  Jerry provides plenty of opportunity for that.  And we are going into a very busy season with our big case – depositions scheduled almost every day starting middle of next week, going into early October.  Then trial prep gets going hot and heavy.

Now, I need to learn to let myself rest more.  I would like to be able to go home for lunch on some days, spend some time with my dog, and just relax.  I usually am at my desk through lunch, most times working.  It will do me good to get away from here more.  It’s just going to take some adjusting in my mind.  Hopefully life is about to change in a good way.  I just have to learn how to live without working constantly.  Money isn’t everything.  Maybe my pain levels would decrease if I didn’t work so much.  We will see.  One thing I know, I need to start “having a life” outside of work and kids.

Pain levels are up today.  It seemed okay this morning – the radiating pain I always feel when first getting up in the morning didn’t seem so bad.  But I am having a lot of all-over pain today.  Am I surprised?  No.  Just have to make it through the next week.

I am having to sell my refrigerator, since the loft has one, and the appliances in the loft are stainless steel and my refrigerator is black, so I wouldn’t want to switch them out.  It is too big for my kids’ apartments, so they couldn’t take it.  I haven’t gotten around to advertising it and I was thinking this morning that I have waited too long – I would have difficulty getting it done before next Thursday (I certainly don’t want to take it to the loft, even temporarily).  I was mentioning this to my friend at work, when her eyes lit up.  She needs a refrigerator.  I told her what I wanted for it, she contacted her roommates, and I sold it!  Yay!  I came back in a bit and mentioned to her and the other girl who was standing there talking to her (who had also heard the prior conversation) that I also had a washer and dryer for sale, if they knew anyone who needed one.  The other girl’s eyes lit up – it seems she needs a washer and dryer!  So hopefully I have sold those too, just from a casual conversation.  That helps my moving budget a lot.  And I wasn’t even counting the refrigerator in what I hoped to make in the garage sale, so hopefully I will still get the $300 I am hoping to raise with the GS.  This makes it more likely that I will get to buy the Electra Cruiser bicycle I have been wanting.

I had made a list of things I wanted when I moved to the loft to round out my décor, etc. and included it in my moving budget.  I am hopeful I will be able to do all I planned to do (including curtains, a rug for the dining room and my closet, a food processor (my blade broke) and a slipcover for my recliner (to avoid having too much brown in my living room).  I have been waiting so long for this move.  I can’t believe it is finally almost here.  A new chapter of my life is beginning.

I’ve written this post throughout the day (as I usually do).  As the day has gone by, my pain level has increased somewhat.  It is not the grabbing, sharp pain of a flare-up, but the allover pain that makes you feel like you’ve been run over by a truck.  This pain is mostly from fatigue and overwork.  Wish I could stop and give myself a break, but I just can’t.  It will have to wait one more week.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A Little Better Today

As I posted last evening, I am feeling much better.  The issue with Stephanie’s job, and my being the one who had to communicate with her employer every day, was creating a lot of stress for me.

It all went back to a time when Stephanie was a bit younger and she was working as a nanny for a doctor.  Stephanie kept the doctor’s little girl every day, and during the course of her employment became pretty sick.  It turned out she had both a CVR virus and mononucleosis at the same time and she had to be off work for a month.  The kicker is, she contracted the germs from the child’s urine (she changed diapers every day).  She was pretty sick and I communicated to the doctor one day (because she seemed to believe Stephanie was just exaggerating her condition; I actually sent her the lab reports, etc.) what had been determined, and the doctor told me that Stephanie no longer had a job because she needed someone there to keep her child.  So I had to break the news to Stephanie that she had lost her job because she was sick.  This doctor was a real piece of work and, really, it was not a bad thing that Stephanie no longer had to work for her.  But it was a low blow and Stephanie took it pretty hard at the time.  I didn’t want to have the same thing happen again.  And this time the stakes are much higher, since the girls are about to move out on their own and have already signed a lease.

So, hopefully, that drama is over with and Stephanie will not have to rush her recovery so much for fear of losing her job.

The scale was down a bit this morning – a little lower than my lowest so far.  I have now lost 30 pounds.  I was a little sporadic with my eating yesterday, but think I ate in a such way that would cause me to lose weight (I haven’t tracked it yet).  I woke up hungry this morning.  I had a serving of grapes while I was getting ready (if I was going to eat earlier than I normally do, I wanted it to be with “free” food).  Then for breakfast I had 3 scrambled eggs with an ounce of turkey sausage mixed in, and a banana.  I also had a SF Red Bull.  I was really tired this morning.  After I get moved and settled in, I am going to have to kick this habit again.  I know they are not good for me.

My stress was down this morning, but my pain was up.  I am not sure why, other than I was on my feet quite a bit last night, moving things around in the garage to prepare for the garage sale.  But I did some good sweating, which probably helped the weight loss this morning.  I moved one thing that was a little heavy, but nothing heavier than what I have done before.  I did not feel like I strained my back or anything.  But I was having a lot of pain from the waist down this morning and, in fact, took a little extra (one-half) pain medicine to help me get around.  I don’t feel too bad about that, since I usually take less than what is prescribed for me.  As I walk around, I realize I am having this shooting pain into my right ankle.  That is new, but I am sure it is connected to the “new” right knee pain I was having a week or so ago.  It’s a nerve thing and I am pretty sure it is from the spondylolisthesis.

I guess I can appreciate these pains for one reason.  They remind me to stay focused when I might otherwise get distracted from what I am trying to do, with everything that has been going on lately.  When you have pain with every step, it reminds you to stay the course so you can hopefully feel better as you continue to do what you are supposed to do.  I never thought I would be thankful for pain, but this really is true.  In times past, I might have decided there is just too much to deal with right now and I will try again later.  Can’t do that.  I am not willing to continue to live with this pain any longer than I have to, if there is something I can do about it.

For lunch today I had some of the chicken soup I made the other day (it has gotten even better than when I first made it).  I was going to have some salad with it, if I felt like I needed it to satisfy my hunger.  As I said yesterday, I am not craving salads right now, I am craving comfort foods.  But I need to make sure I am taking care of my hunger.  The soup has vegetables in it (I added more carrots and celery, plus added some zucchini this time), but I really need more vegetables than it has.  However, I didn’t want any salad.  I was kind of hungry this afternoon and snacked on a controlled amount of almonds and some Light Babybel cheese.

I am getting close to tying up all the loose ends that go with moving.  In other words, having utilities scheduled to be cut off at one place and turned on at the other, cable, etc.

Getting my recumbent bike fixed has kind of gotten lost in the shuffle of everything else that has been going on.  The service guy was supposed to come by on the Saturday morning that Stephanie went into the hospital.  He was the one that actually cancelled, not me.  But I was not able to get back to him to reschedule until this week, and Saturday was the first day we could make it worth.  Unfortunately, he may have to order a part, and then it will take another 2-3 weeks to actually get it fixed.  By that time, I will be moved.  At least beginning next week, I can work out in the fitness center at my lofts, or in the pool.  And I doubt I will be getting workouts in anyway, since I am having to use as much free time as possible to get packed and get things done for moving.  And that is quite a bit of activity in itself.

As the day wore on, I am finding that I am even more tired than when I was at maximum stress the last couple of days.  I guess stress includes a certain amount of adrenaline, and when that is reduced, you kind of crash.  I wish I had time to really rest.  I do think that once we are moved – not settled, but just out of the house and into the loft – I will take it as slowly as I need to, to get caught up on rest.  There is no reason I have to unpack everything the first couple of days.  I can rest as much as I need to, and put things away and get pictures hung, etc. as I feel up to it.  I don’t know at this point if I will even try to personalize the place with painting.  I probably will at some point, but there is no hurry.  I am allowed to do that, as long as it is painted back before I move out.  I don’t plan to move again for a long, long time.  Hopefully the only thing that will precipitate a move is for me to get married.  Even then, I would love to just stay there, so close to work.  I have been at my job 19 years now, so I suspect I will just stay there until I retire.

This was view driving in to work this morning.  Only a few more days of this, and I won’t have to make the drive anymore.  My building is the one with the needle looking thing on top.  I will live about a block from there.

I apologize, but I am behind on reading everyone’s blogs.  I will catch up as soon as I can.  Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday (in one way, but in another way, I have a lot to get done between now and the weekend).

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Update

I'm feeling a little better this evening.

Since Stephanie has to have a release from the doctor before they will allow her to return to work, I called the doctor about that.  Although in the hospital he had said he would support her returning to work sometime this week, after having given them the update of what transpired after she left the hospital, he wanted to see her first.  So I left work at 1:30 p.m., drove home to get Stephanie, and drove to the opposite side of the Metroplex to take her to the doctor.

In the meantime, Stephanie talked to a friend of hers at work and asked her if the friend thought it sounded like she was going to get fired.  Her friend said she didn't think so; they knew it was because Stephanie had been very sick and couldn't do anything about it.  Stephanie (who was the most coherent she has been in several days) also said that she has been told she is the best receptionist they have had at that firm for a long time (evidently a long line of not-so-good ones) and that they really like her there.  She told me a couple of other things that eased my mind a little, so I was feeling better.

We went in to see the doctor and he said if Stephanie wanted to go back to work tomorrow, he would give her a note allowing her to do so, but he really thought it would be better for her to wait until Monday.  Since we were feeling better about her job situation, we said that's what she would do and he gave her a note to return to work on Monday.  I have been having to be in contact with her work every morning (since she has been so drugged), and that has been creating a lot of stress for me.  So, now that it is settled, Stephanie has some time to finish recovering and I am not feeling pressed for her to hurry and get back for fear of her losing her job.  Less stress for me and I am glad Stephanie does not have to rush her recovery so much.

In addition, I have gotten some work done on the garage sale tonight.  There is still a ways to go, but the progress is making me feel better.  There is still a lotta lotta work today, but I'm feeling better.

Stress, Stress and More Stress

I’m tired.  And I am having to be self-motivated at work today, and it’s difficult.  There is so much to do and little help (outside of work).  The thought just occurred to me – what if I switched one of my days off and took another day before the move, instead of after.  As I was mulling all this over, I found out I am going to have to leave work to take my daughter to a doctor’s appointment, so she can get back to work as soon as she can.  We are very worried about her losing her job.  I guess I better just leave things as they are.  Why oh why do we have doctors in Plano when we live in Midlothian?  This is killing me.

I finished under my points allowance yesterday.  I had actually finished eating for the day and realized I was still hungry.  I didn’t really know where I was on points, but I knew I had not overdone.  I kind of gave in and had some frozen yogurt my daughter had gotten and not eaten.  But I tracked it this morning, and I was still under my allowance, so that is good.

I have cooked all three nights after work this week, and I think last night’s meal will be the last big meal I cook in my house.  We have leftovers to eat on and I need to start getting packed up.  The rest of the time we will either fix easy things (sandwiches or whatever) or grab something out.  I need to have things ready so that movers can just pick up boxes and go and don’t need more messes to clean up from cooking.

My stress level is not good.  I am pretty worried about Stephanie’s job.  When I talk about this to anyone, nobody says much to make me feel any better.  If she loses it, this is the worst possible time.  They have already signed a lease for their apartment and I have signed mine for the loft.  Bethany could not handle the apartment without a roommate, so it is essential that Stephanie keep her job.  We just don’t have much control over it.  It’s not like she is doing this on purpose.  I am just hoping they will remain patient.  When I think about this too much, I get so stressed, I start having to take deep breaths to calm myself down.  What is the worst thing that could happen?  They can’t move to their apartment and they come live at the loft with me until Stephanie gets another job.  Perhaps their apartment owners would be a little understanding about the situation.

The rest is stressful, but it does not affect me like this does.  I just have to get through the next week.  The thing is, when I get so worked up about the situation, my stomach gets all tied up in knots, and I don’t want to eat things like salad.  I want to eat comforting things.  So I am really trying to keep a lid on it.  I sit and consciously take deep breaths and pray and try to calm myself down.  I don’t know what else to do.  I just have to take it as it comes.

Honestly, I am hoping I don’t have to come back after this doctor’s appointment.  I am not counting on it, but I am hoping.

Except for drinking two SF Red Bulls, I am on track so far today.  Planning on keeping it that way and beating this stress.  That’s all for today.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Too Busy for Much of Anything

I may not have much time to post over the next week or so, so if I don’t, it is because I am busy, not because I have fallen off the wagon.  I am in crunch time leading up to moving, plus I am still nursing my daughter, plus things have gotten very busy at work.  At least there is no time to think about eating.

I was not in a great state of mind yesterday, and I think if the opportunity had presented itself, I probably would have gotten off plan (if someone had brought goodies to work, or something like that), but it did not and I never went out of my way to eat things I shouldn’t.  I think I probably came in considerably under my points allowance yesterday.  I haven’t posted what I ate last night yet, but I don’t think I ate enough for the amount of points I had left.

I am trying to figure out how to make a garage sale happen this weekend, without help from the girls.  Stephanie is not well enough to help much, and Bethany is supposed to go out of town.  Not very good timing, as far as I am concerned.  I must confess, I am not too happy about that.

I will be spending every minute at home from the time I get home from work until I have to go to bed, every night, to get things packed and cleaned, and get ready for the garage sale, etc.  There is so much to do and so little time left.  My brother and his wife have offered to help, if we can work out timing on it.  So far, they have offered evenings this week.  The trouble is, I never know when I am going to be home.

I am super busy today and I am sitting here falling asleep.  Of course, what I really need is to catch up on some sleep.  But I am hoping after I go through the 6-week program in Blood Sugar Solution that I will have more energy and this won’t happen so often.  More exercise will help too.

I am trying to wind up my day and go home, so I can get some work done.  I just have to push through the next week or so, and then hopefully I can get some rest.

Monday, August 20, 2012

No Rest for the Weary

It was not a restful weekend.  Stephanie ended up being released from the hospital at around 2:00 Saturday.  We went home, and I was so tired, didn’t get much done.

I ended up eating lunch at the hospital:  A grilled chicken sandwich with sautéed onion, bell pepper and mushrooms with a little fat free mayo.  I had some fruit with that.  It was actually very yummy.  The “worst” part about that is that the bun was white bread.  But it seemed to be the best choice unless I got a salad, and I had so many salads during the week, I just wasn’t up for that.

I found a scale at the hospital before I left and weighed.  Of course, I was fully clothed and already had breakfast in me, so I knew it wouldn’t show my true weight compared to my last.  It was up above my last weigh-in enough where I knew I had not really lost anything last week.  That was kind of discouraging , because I felt like I did really well, considering what all was going on.  When I voiced my disappointment to Bethany, she said, “Did you gain any?”  I said no.  She said, “Well, there you go.  You went through a very stressful week and didn’t gain any weight.  You did good!”  I guess so, but I was still kind of disappointed.

I got home and kind of let down my guard.  I was so tired after being away from home for almost 8 days, I just didn’t feel like being “strict” with myself.  I was trying to hold it together, because I wanted to get a true weigh-in the next morning.  However, during the afternoon I had a piece of cracked wheat sourdough bread, some sugar free Italian ices (2) and about 1/3 of a medium bag of Multigrain Tostitos.  And then for dinner, I had some Chicken Tortilla Soup from On the Border (not bad), but I also had 3 flour tortillas and a little queso.  That’s all I remember eating, but it was too much.

In the wee hours of Sunday morning, Stephanie woke me up – she was in a LOT of pain.  Her alarm had not gone off, so she was late taking her pain medication.  She took it, but it wasn’t helping and we were trying to decide what to do, because it was getting worse and worse and she said to call 911 (she was screaming in pain).  So the ambulance came and got her and took her to the nearest hospital.  It took them a loooong time to get her pain under control.  At first they were going to keep her, because they couldn’t send her home like that.  Finally, after a lot of drugs, she was calm and pain was reasonably under control, so they sent us home.

At the hospital, there were some nurses who were totally uncaring and unprofessional, in my opinion.  They basically told her to shut up, she was disturbing other patients, on two different occasions.  (Now, I understand the need for someone to be authoritative and to help her realize screaming is doing no good and to calm down and breathe deep, etc., but you can do that in a calm and caring manner.  This was not like that.)  The pain would calm down for a bit, and then it would come back – from under control to 10 in a matter of seconds.  I or she would tell them it was coming back and they wouldn’t do anything.  No explanation, a lot of the time.  They just treated her like “that patient” who was there to get drugs and ignored her and me.  No explanation that she had been given all they could for then – just nothing.  And we heard them out in the hall talking about her in ridicule.  Steph, even in her drugged state, saw and heard them talking about her – making fun of her – in the group gathered around the nurse’s station.  I thought one of those nurse’s should have been fired.  I was in tears a lot of the morning.  Partly because I was watching her in so much pain and couldn’t do anything about it, and partly because I was so mad at how she was being treated.  I don’t get mad easily, but I was mad!  I told the nurse that she doesn’t act like that all the time – she is not a drama queen – she was really in pain.  (If I have learned anything over the last couple of months, it’s that when Steph was saying something was wrong and her stomach was hurting, she wasn’t making it up.)  The nurse just kind of shrugged it off.  I was so upset, I called the hospital information from the room and told them I was in the ER and that I was not happy with the attitudes of some of the nurses and could I please speak to someone about it.  They forwarded my call to a “supervisor.”  I got voicemail.  I left a detailed message about what was going on, even in tears.  Today, I found the e-mail address for addressing matters such as these and I wrote them a long e-mail, letting them know my complaint and concerns.  I’ve only touched on it lightly here.

Toward the end of the time we were there, Bethany came to bring us stuff and stay with us – we had thought up until the end that they were going to keep her, since that is what they said.  When Bethany got there and I had someone else to “lean on,” the tears started coming and I couldn’t make them stop.  I had just reached my limit over the last couple of weeks.  I didn’t want to fall apart in front of Stephanie (who was probably too drugged to remember, anyway), so I went to the restroom and had a good cry.  I had a hard time stopping.  I was so spent.  I would not even look at those nurses, I was so angry.  And that was making me cry even more.

We were released from there at around 12:15 or 12:30.  Earlier, I had gotten some trail mix out of the vending machine, so I would have something in my stomach when I took my pain med.  (It seemed like the best option they had.)  I was needing the pain med while sitting around that ER.  We had to go get prescriptions filled before we went home and Bethany went and picked us up Schlotszky’s and frozen yogurt for lunch (for me and her, Stephanie was in no shape to eat anything).  By the time I got home, I was in no shape to care what I ate or track my food or anything.  I didn’t actually do too bad, though.  After eating the food from Schlotszky’s (a smoked turkey breast on wheat bread and some baked chips, plus a serving of frozen yogurt with fresh mango), we all took a nap.  Late afternoon, I was going to make some chicken soup I had been planning to make, and went to the grocery store to get a few things we needed.  Beth stayed with Stephanie (it’s been a long time since I felt like I needed a babysitter).  At the store, I was wanting something sweet.  I knew if I got anything with multiple servings, I would be out of control.  They had some different kinds of cake in the bakery in single servings, so I got a piece of carrot cake.  I ate that and intended not to eat anything else.  But when the soup got done, I wanted to try it, so I had a small bowl (probably 1/3 of a serving) of that, and that was it for the day.

With all that happened yesterday morning, I never got an official weigh-in, so I just put my weight down the same as last week, and will leave it at that.

Last night, I was praying that I could finally spend an entire night in my own bed without having to go to the ER, because the last two nights I slept in my own bed, Stephanie woke me up and we had to go to the ER.  I was hard asleep, when she woke me up at around Midnight or so.  No ER this time, but she was hurting because of the trapped gas and air you get when you have abdominal surgery.  She (who typically doesn’t like being touched, even by me) had found it very soothing when I rubbed her back when I was trying to get her calmed down in the ER, so she lay on my bed next to me and asked me to rub her back.  She said it helped her calm down.  She took some gas medicine, and after a bit, I said that a warm bath might help her too.  So she ran some bath water and lay in the bathtub for a bit.  Then she came in and said the medicine had taken effect and she was feeling better, so she went back to bed.  I had to set my alarm to give her a dose of medicine at 4:00 a.m., so did that.  After a bit, she came in again and was having more problems and asked me to rub her back.  We did that for a bit (I kept falling asleep and would wake up and realize what I was supposed to be doing).  Finally, she went back to bed.  A few more minutes and it was time to get up.  I had to take her to a doctor’s appointment at 8:15, which meant we had to leave the house at 7:00 a.m.  She was too drugged to drive herself.  I did that, dropped her back at the house and came on to work.  So that was my “restful” weekend.

Before I left the house this morning, I had three scrambled eggs and a banana.  That was breakfast.  On the way to work after dropping Stephanie at home, I had a 100-calorie pack of almonds.  Then I had some of the soup I made and some fruit for lunch.  I’m back on track today, tracking an everything.  I’ve had a good amount of water so far.

I am trying to cut down on dairy and wheat products, even if not completely, so I am going to change what I am eating for breakfast for now.  After I get moved, I am going to do the 6-week program in Blood Sugar Solution and see how much better I am feeling.  Then I will add dairy and wheat products back, one at a time, to see how they affect me.

That’s it for today.  I hope my life calms down soon, or I am going to need someone to nurse me.  In all of this, I still have to get ready to move in just over a week.  I don’t know how I am going to get it all done.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Going Home or Not Going Home?

Friday


Kind of feel like crying today.  Nothing new going on, just the build-up of everything, I guess.

Stephanie seemed a lot better last night and the doctor said he thought she would probably go home today.  However, when I got to the hospital this morning, she didn’t seem to be doing very well.  She had gone all night without pain medicine, since she finally slept for a while (it’s very hard to sleep in hospitals).  They don’t wake you up to give you pain meds – you have to ask for them.  But when you go too long without any, and you need them, it is much harder to get on top of the pain again.  She also said her stomach was not feeling very well; kind of akin to the way it felt before this started up again on Friday.

Part of the problem is that her system is not running smoothly.  I think when she is finally able to go to the bathroom, she will feel better.  That hasn’t happened yet (sorry for the TMI).  She doesn’t feel like eating much because her stomach feels so bloated and full.

What kind of set it off for me this morning:  I stopped by On the Border last night to get Stephanie some dinner (she wanted Chicken Tortilla Soup and some queso and tortillas).  She didn’t eat very much of it and we put it in the refrigerator, marked with her name, room number and date, per instructions.  I went out of my way to get this for her.  Then, after I got to the hospital last night, she wanted some drinks that I could not get at the hospital, so I left the hospital, went and got her drinks, and then back.  That’s a lot of time and effort, considering.  She drank a little of one drink and we put the rest in the refrigerator with her food.  I went to the refrigerator this morning to get her one of her drinks and that refrigerator was spiffy clean.  Nothing was in there.  We asked about it and they said the night supervisor ordered that anything in there that did not have a date on it be thrown out.  As I said, we had her name, room number and date on it, per instructions.  We were a little miffed.  I know that was not a big deal, but given everything else, that was a substantial chunk of my time and energy, not to mention money.  I was not happy about it, and neither was Steph.  You look forward to the little things when you spend days on end in the hospital.  Update on this is they gave us $10 in “Baylor Bucks” to spend at the gift shop or the cafeteria.  Guess that’s better than nothing, but still irritating.

I am so ready to go home.  I am getting a decent amount of sleep in the hotel, but I am dog tired.  It’s just not like being home.  All this time away from home takes its toll on me.  I hope she gets to go home today, but I don’t know.  She didn’t feel very well this morning.

I have done a good job of staying away from bread all week.  Last night I had some Chicken Tortilla soup from On the Border, with a side of black beans.  Even though I had the same type of soup for lunch, it still tasted wonderful (OTB’s is really good).  I had 5 points left, so got the black beans to go with it.

Weigh-in is tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see how I did on the scale this week, having not weighed all week.  The pants I had on yesterday (although pretty stretched out, I am sure), were hanging on me.  Too big.

Very tried.  Still drinking SF Red Bulls.  I will deal with that when I get past this rough patch.  That may be a cop-out, but I am doing good in every other way (except exercise; just no opportunity for that right now, although I am doing more walking than normal, going in and out of the hospital to the parking garage and at the hotel).


For breakfast this morning, I had my usual Greek yogurt and cereal, with sliced strawberries. I am going to switch over to a different breakfast most of the time, but I needed to use what I had. I want to go with less dairy for now, and see how it goes. The only thing I am not quite ready to give up is cheese. I wanted to have one of those yummy omelets like I had yesterday, but I decided I should finish the yogurt I had. I can have that tomorrow (hopefully I can make me one at home).

For lunch, I had another salad from Tom Thumb (same as Wednesday).  This time I used only Newman’s Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette, and not any of the dressing that came with it.  (I realized I have been confusing how much dressing is in an ounce.  I had been counting a tablespoon as an ounce, but 2 tablespoons makes an ounce, right?  And me, supposedly the math whiz around here.  Anyway, at least that went in my favor.)  I had 1-1/2 oz. of dressing, and added 1/4 of an avocado, so the salad came out to 11 points.  With that I had some grapes and I was full.  Probably will need to eat some protein this afternoon.  I was surprised I was satisfied with that.

I may have to work pretty late tonight.  I am trying to get it all arranged with Stephanie possibly going home sometime later.  Hopefully, they will wait until later and Bethany can take her home.  Someone in the office is on a roll (not in a good way) and I don’t want to make any waves.  My backup is more stressed and beat down than I am, so I cannot ask her to work for me.  I am worried about her – she is having stress symptoms beyond ordinary.  I just have to make it work.  If it becomes a problem, I will let my boss know, but otherwise, I will just try to get it worked out.  I can use the OT for moving, that’s for sure.

I had some leftover soup from Tom Thumb, so I had that for dinner.  It was only 4 points, so I added 1/2 of an avocado and diced up a mini Babybel light and put that in there.  (These are things I had with me at work.)  That still left me with 7 points.  I got off at 9:15 and still had those left.

The doctor decided to keep Stephanie one more night, so it was back to the hospital after work.

I left work and it started raining.  Before I got to the hospital, it started hailing pretty bad.  That was scary!  I was trying to find cover so the car would not be damaged, but it took a little while.  Fortunately there was no damage.  I stopped at 7-Eleven, wondering what in the world I could get that would use some of those 7 points that was halfway healthy.  I got some Chobani Greek yogurt and a banana.  That used 3 points and I left it at that.

I slept in the hospital room and woke up freezing this morning.


Saturday

So now I am still at the hospital, waiting on the doctor to come release Stephanie.  We were told it would be first thing in the morning.  I want to go home!!!!  I was so cold, I woke up shivering.  I looked at the thermostat, and Stephanie had it turned all the way down!  And she is still sweating (and sign of healing, I am sure).

For breakfast, I went and got one of those omelets from a couple of mornings ago.  It wasn't quite as good this time -- the guy didn't take long enough cooking the veggies.  But it was good.  I had that with some cantaloupe (just a little).  Later in the morning, I had a banana.  Hopefully that will be it for my hospital food.  All in all, I think I have done really well for 8 days in the hospital, juggling that with work.  I haven't been home since last Saturday morning and I am missing my doggie terribly.

I couldn't weigh in this morning, so will do that tomorrow.

That's where things stand this morning.  Just waiting on the doctor to come release Stephanie so we can go home, and am watching the Food Network in the meantime.  (That's a little dangerous, sometimes.)

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Super Mom???

Well, everything didn’t go as planned last night on the eating front.  I stopped at Chipotle and got my salad/bowl, as planned.  When I got to the hospital, someone had brought cupcakes and cookies from a bakery and had brought a lime cupcake just for me (lime is one of my favorite flavors).  I had plenty of points available, and I decided to partake.  I also ate about 1/10th of a big M&M cookie.  I counted 16 points for the cupcake and 2 points for the piece of cookie (they are big cookies).  After a little research this morning, I think the points on the cupcake are high, but I would rather count them high than low.

Bottom line is, I really don’t want to eat unplanned things like that.  But, at the same time, life is full of unexpected opportunities and events and you can’t plan everything.  Since I had the points available and I was not eating out of control, I am okay with this.  But I would rather not do it often.  I still have 8 weekly points left, and probably will not use those.

I left work at 6:45 last night and asked my friend if she would send out the last two things I was waiting on my boss for last night (he was on a conference call), and she ended up having to stay until 9:00.  I don’t think she was too happy about it and I don’t want her to have to do that.  She has enough going on in her life too, and has too much stress as it is.  I am trying to make sure someone else can be at the hospital tonight, in case it happens again.  I hate for Stephanie to have to spend most of the day by herself and then no one be there at night either.  I don’t expect them to let her go home today.  Maybe tomorrow, but I won’t be surprised if it is Saturday.  I just need things to get back to normal.  But I can’t let myself get stressed out.  That just has a negative effect on everything.  I am just trying to keep all the balls in the air right now.

I talked to another friend at work about the deal last night and how I felt bad about it.  She has a different opinion of my boss than I do.  She thinks he is extremely selfish and has no respect for other people’s time.  She knows the things he does for me, and she doesn’t think that matters.  I do not feel that way.  And, the thing is, I would rather stay in ignorance and denial about this situation (unless it got a lot worse), because if I start focusing on it with that attitude, I would become extremely unhappy with my job.  I don’t want to live like that.  I can’t find a better job, as far as pay goes, and to me, my boss makes up for the things he asks of me in so many ways.  And I am genuinely fond of my boss and we have a good working relationship.  There may come a time when I have to “demand” that I have certain nights where I am not expected to work late, and I think when I do, he will be fine with that (barring deadlines that have to be met in a law office).  I just have to learn that when things like last night happen, I should not feel overly bad about them.  My friend has offered to stay for me when I cannot, and I think my daughter being in the hospital is a good enough “excuse” to ask.  I do feel bad that she was not happy about it.  I will offer to help her so she can leave early sometime soon.

I am sincerely hoping that Stephanie doesn’t lose her job over this.  It’s not like she could do anything differently.  You can’t postpone getting treatment for a blocked intestine until a more convenient time.  And the fact that she struggled between the first surgery and the second was not her fault either.  She kept telling her doctors she didn’t feel right, and they kept telling her she was just still recovering from the first time it happened.  Stephanie did her best not to miss work and to make up for being gone to doctor’s appointments by working through her lunch, etc., but bottom line, employers just want you there.  I hope they will continue to be understanding.

This morning, for breakfast, I stopped at the cafeteria at the hospital and got me an omelet with deli ham, spinach, onion, bell pepper, mushroom and a little cheese.  It was soooo good.  That and a banana was breakfast.  The plan for lunch today was exactly like yesterday.  However, it didn’t appeal to me much when it came time to eat, so I went and got me some chicken tortilla soup from a Mexican restaurant nearby, and will have the other for lunch tomorrow.  When you get the soup to go, they don’t assemble it, so the tortilla strips were on the side, and so was the cheese.  This way I had a better idea of how much was in it.  I only used about one-fourth of the tortilla strips, and there was about 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese in it.  The soup itself was more like a chicken vegetable, so the points on all of it added together came out to 11.  The same type of soup at On the Border has 13 points, and it has rice and avocados in it.  This had neither.  I had some 1% cottage cheese with me, so also had that to bump my protein a little, and some fruit with that was lunch.

It is not looking like I will have to work late, so that is good.

My clothes are looking pretty loose.  It will be interesting to see what the scale says on Saturday (or whenever I get to weigh).

Some friends came to visit Stephanie late last evening, so I took that opportunity to go back to the hotel and get to bed.  As I was leaving, the woman said, “Good night, Supermom.”  I don’t feel much like a Supermom, but I do try my best to keep everyone taken care of, sometimes to my own detriment.  But really, what choice do I have?  I have to keep working – there is no one else to provide for me.  I’m not going to leave my daughter uncared for when she is seriously sick.  That’s her dad, not me.  I have no choice but to keep going.  I am trying my best to take care of myself during all of this, but sometimes the road just gets tough and you just have to keep going until things settle down again.  If that’s a Supermom, then I guess that’s what I am.  But I think it is what most moms do.

Okay, I am going to finish out my day and try to stay awake.  I almost fell asleep driving to work this morning.  Kind of scared myself.  I’m trying to get enough sleep; this whole situation is just tiring.  No rest for the weary for a couple of weeks, so I will just have to get through.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Never Again a "Poor Thing"

I was a reading a newsletter from Dr. Hyman, the doctor who wrote the book, Blood Sugar Solution.

He says to be healthy, you have to plan, plan, plan.  Plan what you are going to eat and what you need to have available.  Plan by scheduling time for exercise.  Plan by setting your schedule so that you get enough sleep.  Etc., etc., etc.  A few months ago, when I first started thinking about moving to downtown Dallas, I typed up a “schedule” I could use to manage my time.  I had several things in mind when I created it.  One was that I will be living alone with my dog and I need to make sure I make time to be home to care for him, walk him, and take him out to potty, etc.  He will have no back yard to go to, so I will have to make it a point to get him outside.  I also wanted to make sure I set aside time in my schedule to exercise, have a prayer time, read my Bible, and read edifying books, whether it be spiritual, self-help, health or whatever.  I also wanted to plan time with friends.  This is something I am terrible about – I am too content to just stay home with family, and since I will have no family at home to spend time with, it is important that I start getting out and making friends.  So I went back and looked over this schedule, and it is pretty good.  It makes time for all the things I need to do, including getting enough sleep.  Of course, if I have to work until all hours of the night, that will throw some things off.  But when I move, I will be able to come in late on mornings after I have worked a really late night, so even that will work better.

I have always been a big planner, but sometimes not very good about following through on some things.  I will have no kids to pull me in a different direction, and I am so much better about this than I used to be.  I always felt kind of neurotic about my list making (my ex-husband used to mock me for it).  But I always had good intentions, and I think I can use it and get my life on a very good track if I will get myself into good habits early.  I even have time planned for watching television.  With DVR, I can do that.  I watch my favorite things at times when it is okay for me to do that.  And if I am doing all these other things, I don’t have to feel bad about spending some time watching television at those planned times.  One time I like to watch is when I am riding my recumbent bike.  So I can make those two things work together.

I plan to take the more “citified” approach to shopping after I move.  No more buying huge loads of groceries twice a month.  I would like to buy fresh foods every few days.  The Farmers Market is downtown, plus a good butcher and I saw a fish shop too.  I hope this will cut down on spoilage of fresh foods, and will also help me get the freshest, healthiest foods.

So, last night I left work and made three stops before getting to the hospital.  I stopped at the grocery store and got a few healthy things to use to make breakfasts and lunches, fresh fruit, etc.  I have a refrigerator at the hotel, so it is easier to do that.  The second stop was at Pinkberry (frozen yogurt) – Stephanie’s request.  But I checked on WW, and a one-half cup serving of the original Pinkberry (which is fat free, by the way), has only 3 points.  So I got what she wanted and I got me a small serving with fresh fruit.  (I guess that is not entirely in line with Blood Sugar Solution, but it is only every once in a while, right?)  Then I stopped at Panera and got me a Thai Chopped Chicken Salad.  It came with a baguette and they included some butter.  I didn’t eat the bread or the butter.  The salad was good, but I wasn’t really crazy about the dressing.  Next time I will try their Asian Sesame Chicken Salad (something like that).  Anyway, the Pinkberry required my using 3 weekly points, but I was okay with that because I planned for it earlier in the day.  In other words, it was not a compulsive thing, it was a planned thing.  After I ate the salad and the frozen yogurt, I was still a little hungry, so I ate a 100-calorie pack of almonds.  This used another 3 points.  Still okay with that.  Healthy choices.  I had no bread at all yesterday.  The only thing of that nature I had was some oatmeal for breakfast.  So, I felt like I had a good day.

For today, I bought some more Greek yogurt, and had my usual breakfast with some sliced banana.  For lunch, I bought a salad from Tom Thumb that you assemble – grilled chicken with some walnuts and apple, etc.  I wasn’t sure if I would use the dressing provided with it, or use the dressing I have here.  It depended on how the points added up.  The salad did not look very big, so I got some extra mixed greens to bulk it up a little.  The points came up to 14 if I used the dressing.  However, I thought it lacked something without it (it was sweet onion dressing) and with the Balsamic vinaigrette I have here.  So I ended up putting a little less than half of the dressing on it, for a total of 12 points.  I also bought some Chicken Tortilla soup from Tom Thumb (the kind freshly made).  It came out to 2 points for a 1-cup serving – I was good with that, and it was really tasty. That and fresh fruit was it.  That will do me until dinner, and I will pick up something for that.  Probably another salad somewhere.

I found a recipe for sweet onion dressing.  I would prefer to use all fresh ingredients.  It has 2 points for a 1 oz. serving.  Still a lot of points, because I would probably use at least 2 oz. for a good-sized salad.  But at least I recognize all the ingredients in it.  Maybe I can experiment with the amount of oil and lighten it up a bit when I make it.

My boss had authorized 3 days at the hotel.  I know Stephanie will not be going home today, and maybe not tomorrow, so tomorrow I would have to go back to sleeping at the hospital.  I don’t have the extra money for a hotel right now.  But my boss authorized with the hotel personnel from tomorrow “until checkout.”  How could I ask for a better boss?  He asks a lot of me, but he gives so much, as well.  And people wonder why I am so loyal to him.  He told my friend, Ruth, that sleeping on that chair in the hospital was the absolute worst thing for my back and he didn’t want me to have to do that.  He is right.  I was hurting a lot from that.  Still hurting some (I miss my tempurapedic), but so much better than sleeping in the chair or the fold-out thing they call a bed at the hospital.  And I have a place to unwind and relax before going to bed and when I get up in the morning.  He did not just get me a hotel, he got me a suite.  I have a little kitchen and living area, plus the bed and bathroom (great for those parties I am throwing while there. ;)  I’m such a party girl).  I think this is the first time I have stayed in a hotel room by myself.  Kind of nice.  It’s not the Adolphus Hotel, but it is nice for my situation.

Certain expenses always go up when someone is in the hospital.  Like food – I have to eat out more.  That, coupled with being about to move, was taxing my budget a bit.  But I got my paycheck today, and I didn’t realize there would be 3 weeks of OT on it instead of 2.  That helped a lot!  The Lord takes care of me, even when I don’t ask.  I was not stressing about it, but I had already resigned myself to being behind when I got moved, and I didn’t like that.

I have a new “cubie” who sits by me at work.  Love her.  She is the sweetest thing.  However, when I talk about what is going on in my life – most times, because she asks – I really don’t want, “I’m sorry, you poor thing.”  I don’t want sympathy.  Just understanding.  And I don’t think she means it that way.  Yes, I have had some rough roads lately.  But I am not a “poor thing.”  The rough things make me stronger.  Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate her and I am thankful she is a caring person.  I would just prefer it to be less of looking at me as a victim, than recognizing I am a strong woman going through a tough time.  It happens to all of us.  And I quit being a “poor thing” quite a while back.  No room for self-pity in this world I live in.

Yesterday, I resolved to “just do it” and drink my water.  So I went to the kitchen at work three times and drank down 2 12-oz. cups of water each time (we have a purified water dispenser at work).  That, with what I had drank otherwise, got me where I needed to go.  Doing it again today.  I am off my routine since I am not at home, so have to make sure I get it done in other ways.

I had intended to take some update pictures last weekend, but got sidetracked with all that happened.  I will try to do that this weekend.  I am curious if you can tell a difference.  My clothes are definitely looser.  I usually weigh every day, but I haven’t been able to this week, so it may be a total surprise on Saturday when I finally weigh in.  I have followed my plan, that’s all I can say.  I haven’t gotten workouts in – too hard with all the going back and forth, and I have been really sore after sleeping in the hospital chair for a couple of nights.  My knees are still bothering me a lot.  But I will get back to walking when I get home.  I have done more walking in some ways, because you have to, to get around the hospital campus, and I have been walking across to the hotel instead of moving my car (it might be just as much walking to do it that way).  I have to get the guy scheduled to come fix my bike.  That kind of got pushed aside this week too.  I need it!  Of course, when I get home, we will begin moving preparations in earnest.  I will finish up as much packing as possible and we still need to have a garage sale sometime.  I need to get a couple of things on Craig’s List to hopefully sell outside of a garage sale.  I think I can get more for them that way.

Okay, that's enough for one day.  :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Getting Through the Rough Times

It has been a hectic last 24 hours.  There was a lot to get done at work, then I left for Stephanie’s surgery, waited quite a while for them to report back and then a long time more for her to be brought back to her room.  When she got back, she was grouchy and needy.  She was not happy that she was not going to be able to eat in the next few hours, or even allowed a drink of water.  They finally gave her some ice chips, saying the liquid would be sucked right back out the GN tube anyway.

Speaking of which, yesterday the GN tube started touching some kind of nerve that caused her to sneeze repeatedly and the tube came out.  They decided not to put it back in before surgery, and she was very happy about that.  However, they did put it in during surgery and she was not happy that she woke up with it.  So, she was grouchy about that, grouchy about not being able to eat, and grouchy about most everything.

She is on a pain pump (her pain this time is significant), so she finally was so sleepy she could not stay awake.  Did I say yesterday that my boss had paid for me a hotel room?  (He is the BEST!)  At some points yesterday evening I was not sure if I was going to be able to take advantage of it.  I hated to leave Steph with her feeling like that.  But when she was getting so sleepy, I asked her if she wanted me to sleep in the room with her or go to the hotel, and she said to go on to the hotel.  I was thankful, because my back was VERY SORE, yesterday.  The hotel was right next door to the hospital and he paid for three nights!

I got to the hotel after 11:00, and by the time I laid down, I fell right to sleep (also with the help of a muscle relaxant) and I don’t think moved all night.  The doctor was supposed to come by Steph’s room at 9:00, so I wasn’t going to go to work before that, since my boss is out today.

After I got the report about her surgery last night (she had A LOT of scar tissue – said he had never or rarely seen that much – so they removed that and resected the intestine), I went and got me some dinner at Chipotle.  I never had time to eat a “regular” lunch, and had just had some Greek yogurt and cereal, so I was pretty hungry.  I got a salad/bowl with lettuce, brown rice, black beans, fajita vegetables, steak, pico de gallo and guacamole.  That was 16 points.  I had 17 left for the day at that time.  I had weekly points I could use too, but for some reason hate to do that except when I am planning for it.  I decided that was silly, so I did take the salad dressing, telling myself I could use it if I felt like the “salad” needed it.  However, I had gotten the guacamole, thinking that might add enough flavor to the whole thing so I wouldn’t need it, and I was right.  I had some grapes later in the evening, so I came in with 37 points for the day, 1 under my target.  This bowl goes right along with what I am learning in Blood Sugar Solution, so I felt good about that.

I didn’t get a chance to eat until almost 10:00 this morning.  I waited for the doctor until 9:30 and finally gave up.  Of course, he came in right after I left.  All I know is they were going to cut off the GN tube (leave it in, but clamp it off), and if she didn’t have any nausea in the next four hours, then she could have liquids.  If she did okay on that, then she can eat some dinner.  She was not thrilled that they weren’t going to let her eat yet, but said she was going to try to sleep the next four hours so she wouldn’t think about it.  I think they are going to take things slower this time, and I don’t expect them to release her for at least a couple of days after the experience with the last time.  Secretly, I just hope no more scar tissue forms.  He said he didn’t think that would happen, but how can they know?  I do know that she has had some scar work after her external surgeries and it did not come back after they cut the scar tissue out.  I wish there was a “cure” for that.

She was very grouchy about her nurse this morning.  The nurse (a young Indian woman) would pat her and stroke her, and Stephanie did not like that.  She does not like to be touched by just anyone (there is a story behind that that I won’t go into here).  I did not detect anything behind the touches other than the nurse trying to show her care, but nurses probably should be aware that some patients do not like that.  If she was reading Stephanie’s body language, she would have known that, which makes it not an act of caring, but an act of invasion on her personal space.  But you hate to be rude and tell her not to touch her.  Maybe I will take her aside if she is her nurse tomorrow?  Stephanie doesn’t even like to be patted and stroked by me, much.

Anyway, on the way to work, I stopped at Braum’s and got their oatmeal they advertise (whole grain oatmeal with different fruits and a brown sugar topping; I was glad that the brown sugar topping was on the side.  I added the dried fruit (just a little package, about 90 calories) and a little of the topping.  It tasted bland – no salt and not sweet.  I decided to wait until I got to work so I could add some salt and I had some honey there that I felt better about adding.  So that is what I did – about a teaspoon of honey.  I also got a side of scrambled eggs (from what I could tell, there was not a bunch of fat in them, so I think that was a good choice).  Just trying to eat a lot of protein, and make my carbs whole grain and not bread, for the most part.

I think my headaches don’t want me to be alone.  They are my constant companion.  It did let up a little after some caffeine, but I still have a nagging one all day, which gets very old.  I am hoping dealing with my insulin resistance will help with this.  It said headaches can be a part of that and I have noticed that my headache will often stop when I am eating and for a short time after, but then comes back.  So it seems like eating must have something to do with it.

I miss my doggie and just being at home.  But all in all, this hasn’t been too bad.  I have handled it better than last time.  Today will be a quiet day with my boss gone, so that is good.  Things would be so much easier if I was already moved.  Bethany has been taking care of things at home, which is fine with me – somebody needs to take care of the dogs and keep things moving toward moving.  Steph feels a little put out because Beth hasn’t been up to see her.  It is so far up to Plano.  I wish Steph would not be so sensitive, but I guess it’s understandable when you don’t feel well.  I see it as Bethany being supportive by taking care of things we are not able to do because we are not at home.

It is definitely more difficult to eat as I should during times like these, but I am determined to stay on track.  However, I need to stop being afraid to use some of my weekly points.  I just want to use them in ways that are more productive for me.  Today, for lunch, I am going to get a Farmhouse Salad from Potbelly and put their vinaigrette dressing on it.  That comes to 14 points.  That is a lot of points, but I have them available and what I am spending them on is in line with helping with my insulin resistance problem.  Lots of protein, veggies and good fats.  Virtually no carbs, as far as breads, etc.

When I lost weight in 2009 (I lost 73 pounds), I did it the low fat way.  When I went for my annual check-up after doing that, my blood sugar was in the near-diabetic range and I had high blood pressure.  I was unhealthier, in some ways, than before I lost the weight.  That is because I was not dealing with my insulin resistance, I believe.  I think this way of eating will be much better.  Before, I was taking advantage of low fat foods, but they usually have more sugar and ultimately do me more harm than good.  So, now, I am less afraid of foods with some healthy fat in them than I am of those that are really low fat, but get their flavor from added sugar.  And WW helps me not overdo on that.

One thing I am not doing very well on is drinking my water.  I need to not make any excuses and just do it, so I am going to get me a big bottle of water and drink it with and after my lunch, and then refill it and drink another and then another.  Just do it.  (That’s what you said, right, Shelley?)  I actually have a sign on my refrigerator that says, “You will be glad a year from now that you started today.”  And I will be glad that I did not let this rough road trip me up.

I saw this picture Michelle posted on FB yesterday.  Good to keep in mind!  Another quote, from Joyce Meyers:  “Discipline is doing what you don’t want to do in order to have the things you say you want to have.”  So true.  So, although I might, at times, want to feed myself jelly beans to “comfort” myself in stressful times, what I really want is to live with no chronic pain and boundless energy and to feel good about the way I look.  I want to be able to wear whatever I want and look good in it, and the next time I see my ex, for his jaw to drop – the message being, comparing the old me to the new me, “This is how I looked with you, and this is how I look without you.  Get the message?”

I don’t have a plan for dinner, but I will get one between now and then.  I will use some weekly points today, but it’s okay; I am doing good.